Читать книгу The Rancher's Return - Kathy Douglass - Страница 11

Chapter Three

Mom? Donovan reeled at the word. Did Raven have a child? A husband? Although he’d told himself he wanted her to have moved on and made a happy life without him, the thought that she’d fallen in love with another man sucked the air from his lungs. He didn’t even try to reconcile the two opposing feelings. Emotions weren’t logical and it would be foolish to try to make sense of them.

He turned to see a boy of about eight or nine standing there looking straight at Raven. When she didn’t answer him, he directed his attention to Donovan. “Who are you?”

Donovan opened his mouth to answer but when he met the kid’s eyes he couldn’t speak. His stomach seized as if he’d been punched in the gut. The kid’s eyes were the exact shade of gray as the ones that stared at Donovan from the mirror each morning as he shaved. The same gray eyes Donovan had inherited from his father. Realization dawned fast and Donovan’s knees buckled. This boy was his son. Raven had been pregnant and he hadn’t known it. Was that what she’d planned to tell him that last day?

“Who is he, Mom?”

Donovan wanted to blurt out that he was his father but he didn’t. That would be selfish. For all Donovan knew, Raven was married and the kid might believe his stepfather was his dad. Was Raven married? Donovan looked at her left hand. No ring. Not that the absence of a wedding band meant anything. She could have taken it off to do work around the ranch. Or maybe she’d simply forgotten to put it on this morning. There were any number of reasons to explain why Raven wasn’t wearing a ring.

Raven glanced at Donovan before smiling at the boy. “This is Donovan Cordero. He’s Mr. and Mrs. Cordero’s son and a friend of mine.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Cordero are nice.” His eyes lit up and he took a step closer to Donovan. “Are you the guy who disappeared?”

Donovan managed a nod.

“Wow. Where were you? Why didn’t you come home?”

“Elias. Enough with the questions. What did you want with me?”

Elias grinned and a dimple flashed in his left cheek. Donovan also had a dimple in his left cheek. It was like seeing himself at nine years old. “I wanted to tell you there’s going to be a carnival in Sweet Briar this weekend and ask if you want to go with me.”

Raven smiled. “If I want to go with you? That’s a pretty sneaky question since I don’t remember saying you could go.”

“Oh, Mom. All the kids are going. Please.”

“I’ll decide after I see the grade on your math test.”

“Mom.”

Raven cut off Elias mid-grumble. “I need to talk to Donovan. Go start your homework.”

“Okay.” The boy took two steps then turned back around and grinned at Donovan. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks,” Donovan said but the kid had already sprinted from the room.

Neither Raven nor Donovan spoke for a minute. Donovan was in a state of shock and incapable of forming a coherent sentence. The world had completely tilted and he was struggling to get it back on its axis. Adding the new revelation to the emotional upheaval of the past five days had left him emotionally wrung out. He tried to grab hold of his rapidly shifting emotions but couldn’t get a handle on even one of them. Two thoughts kept circling his mind. I have a son. And he doesn’t know who I am.

He blew out a breath and then looked at Raven. Though she’d managed to hold it together while Elias was in the room, she was trembling again. She looked as weak as he felt.

He reached out a hand to her. “Raven.”

Her eyes filled with tears as she met his gaze. “What?”

“He’s mine, isn’t he? Elias is my son.” Although he’d known the second he’d seen the child, he needed to hear her say it.

“Yes.” That softly spoken word changed his entire life. He was a father.

He smiled. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For having my son. You didn’t have to. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

Surprise had her deep brown eyes widening. “You’re not upset?”

“Upset? No. Why would I be?”

“Because.” She gave a nervous laugh. “I don’t know. Back then I was so afraid you’d be angry at me for getting pregnant. I worried you might think I was trying to trap you. I guess that feeling popped up now because... I don’t know.”

Donovan was angry. But not at Raven. She’d given him a son. He was angry at Karl Rivers. Because of him Donovan had been a father for nine years and not known it. He’d missed watching Raven grow bigger as their child grew within her and then holding her hand as she’d given birth to their son. He’d missed every day of his son’s life. All because of Karl Rivers.

Anger at the man consumed Donovan and nearly bubbled over. He suppressed it. He couldn’t let his fury show. If he did, Raven would believe he was angry at her.

“Are you married?”

“What?”

“Are you married? Do you have a husband? Other kids?”

Raven took two steps and got in his face. Her eyes flashed with fury although he couldn’t imagine why she was angry. It was a logical question. “You have your nerve. You vanish, leaving me pregnant and alone and out of my mind worrying about what could be happening to you. And you were fine. You could have come home anytime. You could have called to let me know you were alive and well. But you didn’t care enough about what I was going through to do that. So you don’t get to know about my life. It’s none of your business.”

“It is, too, my business. Elias is my son. If some other man is around him, I have a right to know.”

“A right?” She sputtered and her hands fisted. He’d never known Raven to be violent but a lot could have changed in ten years. Even though he doubted her personality had changed that much, he didn’t want to test that theory, so he took a step back.

“Yes. I’m Elias’s father.” Raven sucked in a breath and Donovan spoke quickly before she could get wound up again. “I’m not saying this the right way.”

“No kidding.”

“Let me try again. I’m still in a state of shock here, so if I’m fumbling for words, I apologize.”

“You’re not the only one. I’m reeling myself.”

“I’m grateful to you for having my son. For raising him. I don’t know enough words to tell you how much. But he’s my son, too, and I want the opportunity to be a part of his life. I want to get to know him. Spend time with him.”

She shook her head. “So you think you’re just going to waltz back into town and into Elias’s life and act as if you haven’t been missing in action for the past decade? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I know I haven’t been a part of Elias’s life, but I want to be. I’m back now.”

“For how long?”

“I’m staying.”

Raven put a hand on her forehead. He wished he could know what she was thinking but maybe it was best that he couldn’t. His head was so full that he didn’t think he could hold another thought. “I haven’t seen or heard from you in ten years, Donovan. Ten years. Surely you don’t expect me to just let you hang out with my son. I don’t trust you that much. Or at all, really. For all I know, you could take my son and vanish for another ten years.”

“Our son. And no. I don’t expect you to let me take him places. At least not yet. But I do want to get to know him.”

She paced the room for several stressful minutes. Finally she looked at him. Her expression was firm, her eyes steel. “I’m not going to tell him who you are right now. That’s not debatable.”

Donovan was disappointed at Raven’s pronouncement but squashed the urge to fight with her. She already harbored animosity for what she believed was his callous disregard of her feelings. Arguing with her over this wouldn’t help. So he’d allow her to make the rules for now. Besides, it might be easier to get to know Elias if he didn’t know Donovan’s true identity. He might resent Donovan for being absent all of his life. It might be better to build a relationship than to tell Elias the truth. That way, if Elias was upset, they would have established a bond, making it easier to deal with his feelings.

“Okay.”

“And another thing. You aren’t going to be alone with Elias. If you’re with him, then so am I. Again, that’s not negotiable.”

Donovan nodded, keeping himself from smiling. He’d often thought of Raven over the years. On those endless, lonely nights when he’d longed to come home, memories of time they’d spent together kept him going. Though he’d never stopped hoping he’d be able to come home one day, he’d never let himself believe he and Raven would ever be together again. Now she was insisting on it. He knew she wasn’t saying they spend time together because she missed him or wanted to take up where they left off. She didn’t trust him. Still he was anticipating the next few days and weeks. “Okay. So when can I see him again?”

She breathed out a sigh. She looked drained. “I don’t know, Donovan. You’ve shaken up my life. You’re back from the dead and wanting to be a part of our son’s life. I need a minute to think about things and get my bearings.”

“That’s fair.” Truth be told, although he wanted to start spending time with his son and Raven immediately, he needed to get his bearings, too. He’d gone from trying to catch up with his first love to discovering he was a father in under an hour. Not to mention that he was home again, his exile over. Sure the changes in his life were all positive, but he still could use time to process everything.

“I’ll call you in a couple of days and we can set up something.”

“Okay.” He gave her his cell phone number and had her call him so he’d have her number, too. Once they’d saved each other’s info, she walked out of the room in a none-too-subtle hint that it was time for him to leave. When they reached the door, she held it open. Before he stepped through it he touched her hand. Their eyes met and held. “Thanks again for my son.”

Raven watched from the window as Donovan walked to his truck. She needed to make sure he didn’t turn around and come back. She had to make sure he was gone before she loosened the reins on her emotions. Only after he’d driven away did she allow herself to sag into a chair.

Donovan was alive. She’d always believed she’d know if he wasn’t, but recently she’d started to think her belief was simply misplaced hope. But he was alive and living next door to her. Lucky for her next door in a ranching community didn’t mean the same thing as it did in a town. He couldn’t see her as she came and went about her day so she’d still have the privacy necessary to maintain some semblance of order in her life.

Order in her life. That was a joke. Her life had spun out of control the moment she’d opened the door and seen Donovan standing on the other side. It had been a dream come true until it wasn’t.

She gritted her teeth, holding back the angry scream that was fighting to get out. She’d held on to her love for all those years—worrying about him—and he’d been fine. Happy and healthy. She couldn’t believe the man she’d loved had done that to her. But he had.

She’d waited for an explanation, hoping he’d give her a reason for vanishing from her life, but he hadn’t even tried to explain. Perhaps because there wasn’t a reason for hurting her that way. Or maybe he thought he didn’t owe her an explanation. Maybe she’d made more of their relationship than had actually been there. Perhaps she’d been the only one in love.

She needed to get out of there. The minute her parents got home from the grocery store, Raven asked her mother to keep an eye on Elias then she saddled Evening Dream, her favorite horse, and headed across the grass to a spot she knew she wouldn’t be disturbed. When she and Donovan had been young and in love, they’d spent blissful hours in their special place. Once he’d disappeared, she couldn’t go there without thinking of him and breaking down, so she’d found a new location where she could have a bit of peace. Somewhere she didn’t associate with Donovan. She’d ridden her entire ranch until she’d found a field where her soul felt at rest. It was as far away from the Cordero ranch as she could get while staying on her property. That’s where she headed now.

Evening Dream seemed to instinctively know where Raven wanted to go, so she let her mind wander as the horse crossed the ranch at a leisurely pace. When they reached the boulder where Raven frequently sat to think, she dismounted and let Evening Dream drink from a nearby spring. Rather than sit, Raven picked up long blades of grass and began to split them. When the silence became too much for her, she leaned back, lifted her head and let out a long scream, voicing all of the stress, confusion and pain churning inside her. Her yell startled several birds, sending them flying from their tree and across the cloudless sky. Evening Dream looked up and stamped her foot in disapproval before resuming her drink.

Raven brushed hair out of her face and was surprised to discover moisture on her cheeks. Sinking to the ground, she began to sob in earnest. She wasn’t exactly sure why she was crying, but she knew part of her sorrow had to do with the time she’d lost. Ten long years had come and gone and she’d been so consumed with fear and worry and undying hope for Donovan’s return that she’d barely experienced any of them. Life had passed her by.

She loved her son and did everything in her power to be a good mother to him. The first couple of years had been especially trying and she was honest enough to know she’d been a basket case and not the parent Elias had needed. Fortunately her mother and father had filled the gap, giving their grandson all the love and attention he’d needed. Her parents had constantly urged her to stop wandering around like a ghost and give Elias her full attention. She hadn’t had the strength. It wasn’t until she’d heard Elias call her mother “Mommy” that Raven had begun to focus on her son.

But when the night came and Elias was safely asleep, she’d let her mind wander down the road to the secret place in her heart where Donovan lived. In the quiet midnight hour, she’d write letters to him that she knew he would never get. She’d done that every night until two days ago when she’d realized that to go forward she needed to put the past behind her. She was engaged to a good man who deserved all of her heart.

And now Donovan was back. She couldn’t allow him to consume her life again. It was clear now that she’d loved him more than he’d loved her. Apparently he’d said goodbye to her years ago. Well now she’d said goodbye. She was engaged to another man and getting married in four weeks. Donovan might be back in town but he was out of her life. He was part of her past and that was where she intended for him to stay.