Читать книгу Brother and the Dancer - Keenan Norris - Страница 9

Touissant remembered a better world. Christmas candles set upon shelves and mantels, the spirals of wax melting away the green and red decorations, the little gold of the chandeliers, all of it shining so lovely. The small, low-ceilinged house of narrow snaking halls, of little rooms and crowded tension. Golden and shaded luster, nostalgic light, magical in his memory.

He could see the light in the steam and smoke that filtered from the kitchen, smell it burning behind the door like an unattended ache. People’s images misted over and their voices slowed and thickened with the hot old air. It was Christmas night, it was the family house, he was six years old and yet this beautiful world already seemed dark and distant to him.

“They did him dirty,” his gramps proclaimed, remembering his own dad, who was Touissant’s great-granddad, who had been dead the boy had no idea how long. “They did him dirty!”

“He was a criminal, how you expect he get done?” Granny’s gummy voice rose up in tired opposition. Touissant had heard the story once for every Christmas in his life; how many times had she heard it? Hundreds, probably. She might even know its words by heart.

“They did him dirty jus due to he wadn’t tryina fight in no World War they made like he hated his government, chased him across the South to put him on the chain gang. It didn’t have nothin to do with no government, it had to do with he wadn’t tryina die in Timbuktu. So one day he woke his woman up, said, ‘Tain’t happenin. This is one man won’t take it lyin down. You keep still now, girl, get yo rest. Don’t fret. I’m free ’n plannin to stay that way.’ Then he left.

“He left his life in Lou’siana, which he couldn’t keep no-way, then never looked back. If he had, all he’d ’a seen woulda been them dogs ’n federal agents on his tail. He tol me how he evaded them slave catchers, ’cause that’s what they called ’em, slave catchers, by hookin on with travel crews, then have hisself the time ’a his fugitive life. Ain’t matter, white, black or green, them crews courted his services ’cause too many they boys was gone overseas ’n not enough was comin back. So he’d get a train ticket for work in the next county, freight over there wit whatever work-crew, then sell the ticket for somethin ’n get a new one so’s to keep hustlin. Always snuck away first chance he got, them chasers on his tail. Seen the whole entire South that way. Womens e’rywhere, he tol me. So many husbands, boyfriends, lovers gone, they womens was lonely onto restlessness.

“So one night he was stopped in Jackson, had got down to business with this beau-ti-ful Coke bottle bird, ’n right while he’s obligin her, his ears commences hearin this rustle-noise outside the house. Gets to thinkin it’s them dogs ’n federal agents. He untangles from her, jumps out the bed, jumps out the window two-three stories down, ’n what do you know, on the backside ’a that broad’s house she been tendin her a graveyard! Her old man must had been a coffin-maker ’cause there’s all these empty coffins just a-sittin out brand new, all ’n whatnot. So he scared as hell, you gotta understand. He jumps hisself down in one ’a them there coffins, closes the lid, ’cause, what’d he always tell me, ‘Ain’t no Freeman dyin in no Si-beria, or wherever it was they fought that mother.’

“So he waits out the night, falls asleep in that coffin, ’n when he wake up all’s there is, is darkness. But he knowin it’s gots to be light outside. Then he remembers the girl. He wonders what it is she do with the coffins. He tries to open the thing, but he cain’t. It won’t open near as easy as it closed. So he starts to flustration. It’s bad times now. He feels hisself gettin borne up ’n there’s voices, old tired patty-rolled voices talkin, hollerin, ’n after a while they commences to singin them ol’ field songs. He thinks, they done took me back to slave times, oh Death. But then he gets a-hold ’a his composure, realizes that he bein borne along by the chain gang. He can hear they chains a-rattlin, he can hear they voices a-singin, ’n he can feel where it is he headed. So he musters all his strength, ’n he wadn’t no small man now, ’n straight pushes that coffin-top clean off. Breaks it off like it were a feather or somethin. Now he in the open air ’n the mens jus lookin at him like he Christ returned. Don’t nobody touch him, not even the authorities. He jus walk off nice as you please. He come back next day, finds the girl whose daddy had him such a lucrative business, ’n he tells her how he done lived through death. She laughs at his story, tells him the real news: e’rybody who had managed not to die had lived through the end-time, the Great War was over, it was safe to come out into the light again. So then he proposed to her, fell to his knees.”

“And then he divorced her. Moved on some more, to Alabama, where he finally married your great granny, settled hisself down. Crazy nigger,” Granny said.

“Language.”

Granny sniffed, then started back in: “Your gramps a natural storyteller, he know what to put in, what not to. But me, I done forgot my manners.”

“How did you forget your manners, Granny?” Kia asked.

“Got old. Got smart,” Granny said.

“Isn’t Gramps older than you?” Dea wondered, in her delicate voice.

“Yes and no,” Granny said, “Yes and no.”

“Why yes?” Kia asked. She twisted her beatific face into an expression of sheer beatific puzzlement.

“Because he was born in ’27 whereas I’s born in ’32,” Granny answered with thinning patience.

“Why no?” the twins asked in one voice.

“Because he ain’t made use of the head-start God given him.” She closed her eyes halfway and leaned back in her chair: “Don’t try to reason it out.” Her half-closed eyes were big and warm and sad, and golden-brown in the kitchen half-light. The skin around those eyes was wrinkled, worn slack, like God had patched her face of crumpled brown-paper bags. The twins counted the decades and the years on their hands and both came to the silent conclusion that their granny shouldn’t look so old at fifty-seven.

Touissant had already sneaked out of the living room. He was such a quiet, to-himself child that he could come and go and people would rarely notice his presence or absence. They only became aware when they wanted him for something. Since he was six years old they only wanted him around to give him gifts and since poor people could only give each other so many gifts their awareness of him fluctuated with their income. He drifted in and out of the lives of his grandparents and aunts and uncles, and even his sisters, without much notice: they hardly knew him, not that there was much to know just yet, and he hardly knew them. He thought of these people like fogged and sporadically illumined ghosts of an intense dazzling dream: they spoke fast and elaborate, retelling tales too old for him to comprehend; they sang and danced and showed-out; and they gave him what they had, their money, their food, their love. He loved them back in the uncritical way that people love when they are young and the world is given to them, before they grow up and look backward and measure their memories against their scars.

So he didn’t see the wrinkles around his granny’s eyes, he didn’t hear the weariness in her voice. Instead, he explored the house. Its construction was that of a slithering country snake, its head wide and densely packed, its body a slim, tortuous tunnel of fine skin, small pores and cuticles open and closed, locked and unlocked: these doors led into rooms that were the site of his exploration. Some rooms were too uninviting even for his curious mind. A makeshift tool shed that he was afraid to enter for fear that he would bump into something and his gramps’s vast store of tools and supplies would come raining down on his forehead—aside from the physical pain, how would he explain it when they heard the crash and came running? There was a room across the way from the tool shed that was equally ominous, though he chanced entrance here. The room had no lights so far as he could see and he had to stumble around inside it to find its treasures. Old dismantled rifles, a baseball bat with an incomprehensible signature scrawled across it, black mote-crusted books that looked too ugly to open; magazines with sleek naked women splayed along their worn-thin pages. Then, the grandparents’ room: a low bed and bedstand; a picture above the bedstand of them looking fine on their wedding day; a stained and tattered Bible opened to its first page where birth and death dates of Freemans familiar and unfamiliar to his eyes were scrawled in confusing combinations, and relations that may have made good common sense a long, long time ago now seemed as disordered as a dream to his young eyes. He looked until he found his father’s family line and name.

Sabine married R.W. Freeman 1833—New Orleans

Bore R.L. 1833

R.L. married Landine 1853—Slidell

Bore Diamond 1853 Crystal 1855 Quannis 1857 Alfonse 1858 Toussaint 1859

Immacula 1861

Quannis married Melva 1880—Slidell

Bore Hill 1879

Hill married Estrella 1917—New Orleans married Fern 1918—Jackson

married Celie 1919—Tuscaloosa

Bore L.A. 1917

L.A. married Ruth 1941—Tuscaloosa

Bore Hilda 1946 LaLa 1948 Ferna 1950 Celia 1951 Bobby A. 1954

He knew something was not quite right about the dates, numbers, names and places. Something was mixed up, wrong, but he didn’t know quite what. He felt that the dates, numbers and names were the vestiges of some older truth he would never be able to touch, never be able to know.

Placing the book back where he’d found it, he went exploring further. There were rooms and more rooms stretching off seemingly without end. He wondered if the house was really built invisibly up into the sky or down beneath the earth because looking at it from the outside it seemed so small and limited to him; he didn’t know how except by magic what seemed so little on the outside could be so vast on the inside. And behind all the rooms, back at the very end of the snaking house, there stood a screen door and then the yard. In the nights, the backyard looked haunted, the leaves of its trees over-wrapping it, branches splaying out like arms and hands arranged all crazy, grass grown high and too wild to tame. There were animals living in that wild garden whose night sounds he could hear, sounds like songs, a singing that broke out of the darkness, a strange night music. His senses were overwhelmed with it. He reached up and began to unlatch the door. Unoiled, the knob gave out a metallic creak as he turned it. Then he heard his mother calling for him: “Touissant. Touissant! Touissant!”

Her voice was an unwanted sunshine blinding him from premonition.

Later, in the dark, he could hear Dea and Kia’s riffing, one voice dancing light along the heavy, fragrant air. It was never hard to get away from them when they were concentrated on their singing: neither cared to look after him to begin with and they came up with every excuse they could think of to escape that chore. He was still too young to appreciate them, too young to see them as sisters and not restrictive roads forcing him back to his mother and the table and dinnertime.

He expected to hear his mother’s voice sheer across the darkness any time now, but it never came, and the night stretched on. He could hear a new record playing and the sounds of voices and feet moving in time. Apparently, they’d forgotten him this time and his solitude would be his to own. He tucked himself away in the unlit unadorned room with the open Bible with the names and dates in it. He lay on the sheets of his grandparents’ old, creak-ridden bed and tuned the small portable radio that sat near the nightstand.

There were men talking about Jesus on the first station he found. Jesus had not been a wealthy man. He had not prized wealth. Jesus, who was God’s Son, was without wealth. The conversation circled around itself and he wondered if this was what people meant when they said that God’s wonders were mysterious to men. But if he twisted the knob a little to the left he could hear mariachis singing. And if he twisted it to the right he could hear a brave new sound with singers who didn’t even sing, just spoke over the beat as fast and clever as his gramps entertaining the table at dinnertime. He wondered again at the story that to him was the beginning of the world: his great-granddad running from the War, pursued by the government, loving and marrying women as he went, and finally beginning a family in Alabama. Or was it Mississippi? And which woman had it been, Estrella or Fern or Celie, that gave him his son? Where had he gone to, this old man? The beginning of the family world was as mysterious as God, as mysterious as God’s wonders.

Touissant fell asleep and only woke when he felt his granny tapping her fingers against his stomach. Her hands were rough and reminded him of his mother’s touch, so infrequent that he wasn’t even sure if she meant to comfort or reprimand, the feeling was so mixed. He wanted her to explain to him what he should feel, but she was whispering to him in a register below hearing. He heard his gramps’s loud voice from down the hall, not his words, only the voice itself, deep and loose. Now he felt her fingers squeeze him a little tighter and now he felt her climb into bed beside him.

“That old boy,” she said, “that old boy. Think he got all the stories in the world, don’t he now?”

Touissant didn’t realize that that was a question and didn’t answer.

“See, Two-saint,” she went on, “we all got our stories, e’ry life got its story, but only some be yellin our business in the street, you see what I’m sayin? Yo’ grandaddy, he gotta tell the world.” Her fingers had stopped on his shoulder. “But it ain’t who shout the loudest. That’s why I like you, Two-saint. Not too many people be quiet like you.”

She paused and he could hear a quick wind beat its reproachful Godhand upon the low roof. He grew aware of the outside world, the night-darkened valley.

“You gon’ have yo’ own, baby, if you keep that quietness and don’t feel like you ain’t got you somethin important just ’cause you ain’t loud, carryin on.” Over the low and sagging sound of her voice he could hear the twins riffing away again. He wondered if his mother, who reminded him so much of Granny, could sing; and if Granny herself could sing. “E’rybody got theirs,” Granny said again. “E’rybody got stories. His old man was a nationalist runnin from his government; my daddy, on the other hand, he was good people, honest to the last degree, worked hisself to death out in them Alabama fields. I still remember his mule carryin him home . . . ”

Erycha was six years old. Erycha was six years old and a girl. Erycha was six years old and a black girl. Erycha was a little six-year-old black girl. Erycha was a little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of town. Erycha was a little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of town with her unmarried and impoverished parents: her father, who drifted in and out of the apartment and in and out of her life; her mother, who enabled him in his transience and unreliability with her forgiveness and by paying the bills on time and on her own. Their daughter, being only six years old, took things as they came.

Erycha was a poor little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of town whose distracted mother would occasionally pay her surprising affection, would buy her a book about ballet or let go an hour in first-grade gossip, rubbing her feet. Erycha was a poor little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of town whose changeable father, though unreliable and often unemployed, never was away from home for more than a few hours at a time, never truly absent. Erycha was a poor little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of town who took advantage of her parents’ distracted ways, escaping the cramped under-lit little apartment house by walking out the apartment, down the stairwell, across the walk and over the gates. Standing there, on the empty Avenue, she could see where her Del Rosa Gardens apartment complex ended and the empty street stretched on indefinitely. Erycha was a poor little six-year-old black girl living in a poor, cramped under-lit little apartment on the other side of a beautiful new town called Highland. And she was learning.

“Fresh food,” her mother would say. “Or-ganic. What’s so hard to understand about that word?”

“Best I could do.”

“O’viously. If you actually payin me attention an’ still cain’t buy the expensive ones that say organic on the label.”

“Those the only two options. Either I’m stupid or I ain’t payin you mind, huh? I’m tryin to save you some money. That’s the way I think, practical. I’m not no boojie gentleman like you want me to be, Evelyn. Jus a roughneck, I suppose.”

“Really, now?”

“I’m jus sayin.”

“I’m just askin, why not help me out, make some damn money so’s we don’t gotta go buyin this low-grade unhealthy shit?”

“I been explained this: Messicans take e’ry damn job where they ain’t gotta show papers, which is e’rything but security, an’ you know my paperwork won’t stand up to that background check.”

“Mexicans mess up your papers? Mexicans the reason you gotta mark ‘yes’ where they ask if you been to jail? I never had to trouble over that question, Mexicans or no Mexicans.”

Erycha would hear her father’s heavy steps nearing the apartment door, then the slow apprehensive opening of that door, and finally its close and lock. Then her mother’s voice would again scorch the air with questions. It was always this way, a known protocol: even when he was working and there were no issues around government assistance or staying away when the welfare woman came, even when he was bringing checks home regularly, there’d still be a fight if he brought the wrong groceries, or did something else that could be judged unreliable. Erycha hated it but she was used to it, too, how her dad would come back home after however long away and walk slowly in, sit himself down with that pain in his slouch, and commence to look down darkness. And how her mom would come from her kitchen with suspicion in her voice.

“Takes you this long to get groceries?”

“Stepped out.”

“Been steppin three hours now. Long time to shop. Short time to go to the casino with my paycheck money, though.”

“Wadn’t at the casino. I just don’t like shoppin in the daytime is all. A man shouldn’t go shoppin while it’s light out, all them girls at the stores, makes him feel unemployed. But you wadn’t even home three hours back so how you think you know how long I been gone?”

“Right, of course. I was at work. But Erycha said you left while it was still light out.” She nodded at the child.

“Babygirl.” Her father shook his head. “Dime-dropper.”

“Don’t bother her. She playin.”

“Solidarity, babygirl. We locked down together.”

“You think you’re funny.”

“I’m truthful.”

“Truthfully broke.”

“Warden.”

“Con-vict.”

Erycha remembered her father actually had been a convict at least one time in his life so she knew the joke was a joke with cutting power. The way his story went, he hadn’t infringed on the law in a felonious manner, he just lost control a little bit and ended up with his car in somebody else’s front lawn, a small Cupid statue severed at the loins. Early ’80s East Oakland was apparently so insane and calamitous with drugs and gunfire that drunk joyriding and minor vandalism wasn’t worth much police attention, let alone jail time. But when he was unable to pay his fine he ended up in the county pen. As this was not the first time that they had looked up and found him in County, his loved ones used up all his phone time counseling him bout how he needed to find a higher purpose in life. Religion. Or something like that.

He said that this time he spent his first free Sunday at Allen Temple Baptist Church trying to find that higher purpose. But instead he found the mechanics of praise and worship boring as the Good Book itself. All the gospel music in the world couldn’t hold a candle to a good Ant Banks record burning up a club past midnight, the most animated preacher’s sermon had nothing on the three in the a.m. testament of a girl moaning something that sounded like his name. The only worthwhile thing about church, he decided, was that there were so many fine young ladies there. Of course he knew these were morning, not night, women, but he found them irresistible nonetheless. So he spent each Sunday morning getting dressed as sharp as possible and showed up on the church steps just as the worshippers were filing out. He would pad at his face with his fingertips, whistle loud like the spirit was just too down deep inside him and would generally pretend that he, too, had come from the House of God weary with worshipping. Then, he said, he would go about meeting the righteous sisters with the blessed backsides. Maybe at eighteen, and impressionable, Erycha’s mother had been too naive to realize that he had worn more orange jumpsuits than church clothes. But seven years had smartened her.

“Con-vict . . . You know what, Morris? I love you. I love you, I love Erycha, ’n that right there’s my problem. That’s my one sole problem in this whole world. If I could just escape that, go off, do my own thing, be my own person, not have to worry bout, bout, all this. Just escape.”

“That food’s still fresh, warden.”

“I, I know, I know it is.”

Erycha knew this dance, knew its rhythms. She’d studied its intricacies of condemnation, forgiveness and eventual seduction and she knew its every last step. So even though she’d yet to learn the difference between a relevé and a Chevrolet, she could already sense the music and move out of her parents’ way, out the door, down the stairwell, across the walk. Up over the apartment gate, past the corner boys who posted like sentinels or statues along Del Rosa Avenue, across that street and into the scrub forest that lay in the narrow little gully there. Maybe after years of education and refinement, professors and critics would praise her for the naturalness of this art. But she was only six years old and for now the world was blind to her talents. Her parents had closed a door between them and her. The statues and sentinels remained blind, too. Only the small scrub forest hidden from the street seemed to know that she even existed, but it welcomed her as its child. Maybe because the forest was as unseen as she was, it became her private comfort, a shaded grove for imaginative play where the figures indifferent and dangerous that composed her usual life became dream-things. Where rude corner boys became goblins and her parents the comic jesters of the court, and she, of course, the queen.

Who knows. But Erycha conducted this shadow symphony from one thicket of scrub to the next. Piles of vegetation that to outside eyes would look like dead heaps turned into something more once she knelt down and gazed into their intricate work of dry brown branches and leaves. Then she saw the unique tangles and secrets in each. The most secret of all was the thicket where she found the white pagoda and its bullfrog: here, shadowed by a mound of abandoned construction work, piles of gravel, broken boards and such, she had chanced upon the pagoda. Gazing at it, looking it over absorbed her completely. Now she didn’t even need to use her imagination: the pagoda was about a foot high. Its white paint had begun to chip away in flecks, exposing the grayed wood from which it had been sculpted. She had seen pagodas before, in pictures in books, and always admired their spiraling design, the dragon twisted around the twisting tree, and the open house completing it. The only difference was that this one was painted white instead of black, and a bullfrog lived within its open house. Sometimes it would shade itself inside during the days and she would see it then. Other times she would have to stay awake till long after her parents and everyone else in Del Rosa Gardens, even the corner boys, had gone to bed, and then she would listen as its weird croak filled the silence. The sound mushroomed out and out, a gentle explosion. She imagined the way its head and gills had to fill up with air to make that sound. In the days when she found it stooping in the open house she would run her fingers carefully across its notched dry skin trying to learn its secrets.

The bullfrog never liked her touching him, though, and he’d bluster if she kept at it too long; then his body would expand, his eyes would get big and bright like she imagined them in the dark. But the croak never came except at night and from far away.

One night, he didn’t come home for a long, long time.

Her mother cooked dinner. They ate and waited. They took showers. Talked to Miss Simms on the telephone. Knelt and prayed for his eternal soul and ephemeral body, for their own souls and bodies, and waited for him.

About the time Erycha was used to hearing the bullfrog croak, instead she heard a different sound waking her from what had only been a light sleep. It was her mother. “Uphold Momma in somethin, OK, sweetie?” the sweetness-tinged voice asked from across the couch. “OK, Erycha?”

Her mother was a thin woman but her face was girlish with babyfat and tenderness sometimes. But looking at her across the space of couch where they’d fallen asleep, it was like God had painted her in blacks and blues: her looks had hardened and chilled with the night.

Erycha wasn’t sure what it meant to uphold a person in something and she didn’t want to ask. It was best not to ask about adults, just do as they said. She didn’t even ask what needed upholding. She followed her mother into the bedroom—the apartment’s only true bedroom, her own being an improvisation consisting of a makeshift curtain, some bedsheets, two pillows and an inflatable mattress—and let her eyes do the asking.

In the dark room she could make out a pile of her father’s things. They sat out like so much unbagged trash. Socks and shoes, two pairs of jeans, several pair of slacks, shirts and vests and thin coats; hats, a beret, a fluffy white Kangol, an open jar of Sulfur 8, a necklace and silver-colored promise ring. His car and girl magazines, his few, age-damaged albums. His manly supplies: cases of beer, a bottle of cologne. And maybe even his smell, she imagined.

His things lay heaped. It was strange that a man as big and impressive-looking as her daddy could get reduced so fast, to so little.

“Let’s gather this mess.” Her mother nodded at her. “As much things as he’s put me through.”

Erycha took a load of his things in her arms. She tucked the awkward objects in the crook of her arm like a great big football and tottered out to the center room.

She heard her mother’s voice behind her, over her shoulder. Keep it movin, girl. Keep movin. She noticed that the front door was open. The winter wind escaped inside, its quick jets stinging her skin. Her nostrils filled with the smell of freshly frozen air. She shuffled across the apartment and out onto the porch, where she waited for her mother again. She saw the boxes rowed one after the next leading down the steps and the miscellany of objects contained in them: now she caught on and understood what would come next. She didn’t want to put him out, not like this. She just stayed there, staring at each different-marked box.

“As much things as he’s put me through. Since the beginning, I had his back, Lord knows why. Cut my roots for this nigga. Didn’t judge him. Didn’t play him short. Not once. Not even when I’s eighteen an’ stupid an’ I’s cuttin from my roots, leavin home for a nigga in prison.” Her mother stopped and glanced fast at Erycha, like she was trying to judge something about her girl. Erycha was so confused now, she was half-ready for the world to end. She didn’t know why her mother was looking at her like this, or why she was putting her man out, or why winter was the beautiful season where she lived. Everything from plain little words to the turning earth was a mystery.

They started down the stairs, packing first the Salvation Army box, then the Goodwill box, then another Salvation Army box. They had scavenged so many clothes and things from Goodwill and the Salvation Army that now they had plenty of moving boxes, enough boxes to travel across the country and back.

As she went back up the stairs, Erycha heard a faint rustling just above her head, like the flutter of birds. But it was nighttime and no birds were out, only the moon and the stars. The sky and the street below and everything seemed wrapped in the same silence and emptiness, and she remembered again that she should have heard the bullfrog by now. She wondered when he would come back.

Re-entering the apartment, she asked, “Why idn’t he back yet?”

Her mother bobbed her braided head as she bent down to gather up the last of his things. “It’s what he gets for leavin the civilized labor force,” which didn’t answer the question.

“But why cain’t he come back?” Erycha wanted to know.

“Ask him.”

How could she ask him if he wasn’t home? How could she ever ask him if he never came home? Erycha wanted to know. But she could tell by her mother’s hardening face that she probably shouldn’t ask. It was such a tired, frustrated face. Erycha watched the face and the woman with it struggle out through the open door and down the stair-steps one careful one at a time and decided against any and all questions. She figured her father couldn’t stay away forever. He’d get hungry or cold eventually, just like the bullfrog would eventually return to the pagoda: as many times as he had left, he had come back home. She looked up into her mother’s eyes as she returned through the open door and closed it behind her, pushing back the frozen night.

By the time he returned, the bullfrog was croaking again. Erycha was listening for the occasional croaks and she almost didn’t hear her father’s small, resigned knock-knock noise on the apartment door. Then she heard it only faintly. But as she listened closer, she heard her mother rolling over in bed. How she made that old contraption creak and wail in ways that no inflatable air mattress ever could. She listened to her father’s retreating steps down the staircase and onto the cement walkway, where in the silence he fumbled clumsily through the cardboard boxes. But she didn’t hear him leave. She didn’t hear his brogans go down that walkway any further. The sound of his shoes told her where he stood and where he walked, and for now they made no sound and no stand at all, as if he had simply stopped.

She heard the bullfrog croaking.

She reached her head over the bedsheets and looked around. It was safe to come back into the world, she decided. When she pulled out of the sheets, the mixture of silence and sound felt strange in her ears: it was easing her through sleep and calling her out into the world all at once.

Excitement thrilled through her as she slipped out of the bedroom that was not a bedroom and past her mother’s closed door, out the apartment and down to where her father lay sleeping in amongst his scattered life. This was another new dance she’d made for herself, except now she had a partner to hold her in his arms.

Then, dawn. The boxes were looking down at them from the staircase when they came awake in each other’s arms. She noticed that some had been turned on their sides, their contents spilled along the steps. But despite all that, her father started in thanking God and Stevie Wonder and Raphael Saadiq: he made it seem like a miracle that he got to wake up with his stuff all put out of doors just as long as no one had robbed or cut him and his daughter up. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “Thank you. For not lettin these niggas do nothin. For not lettin none of these heartless-ass people take us out. Thank you.”

Erycha had never been afraid of her neighbors or her neighborhood day or night. It was her neighborhood, her home, after all. So it surprised her to see her big strong dad getting all thankful for divine protection when all that had happened was that they went to sleep and woke up. What was there to be frightened of? she wondered. Scanning their quiet, familiar surroundings she didn’t see anything new or exciting or scary. “Why you scared?” she asked, looking into his dancing eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head real slow. “Because.” She waited for more, but he didn’t elaborate.

Because. It was the kind of answer Erycha heard all the time in her classes and on the playground. It didn’t seem appropriate for any adult to be saying it and plain wrong for a dad-adult. Her teachers told her not to begin sentences with that word, and he told her to listen to her teachers, so why didn’t he have to, too?

“Because what?” she challenged him.

He looked at her with surprise and hurt. “Babygirl,” he said, his lips parting in the silence, his boyishly handsome face dropping as if suddenly loaded over with responsibility, “Babygirl.”

She stared back at him in frustration.

“Don’ turn into one ’a them type women. Please. For my sanity sake.”

It was only morning, but she already noticed his mood darkening over like a lowering sky: she could see the future as he saw it, not one but two women berating him. Telling him when to come and when to be gone, when to speak and when to elaborate even though he felt like he had already said enough. She was coming into intuition like into a bad cloud: her dad would never really leave. She realized that. He was too scared of something out there in the world to leave, and he was not enough of whatever it was her mother wanted him to be to make peace at home. He would always be somewhere between staying and going. Her poor daddy. He was about to go back up those stair-steps, pick up the boxes and return to whatever waited for him inside.

She felt him stir and then stand up, raising her off the ground with him. He held her there for a second, like a jewel, his and not his.

“OK, Erycha, I’ma drop you. We bout to go back up the stairs, K? Ladies first.”

“K.” She nodded. She seemed to have all the answers and he all the questions. “OK.”

She squirmed in his grasp, a signal to let her go. But he didn’t, not right away. She had the sense that he didn’t want his hands empty. She squirmed some more, but he kept her tucked in his arms. After her, there would only be boxes for him to hold and at that point he might as well be empty-handed. She wondered if her mother was waiting on them right now and listened for her call. She thought of the pagoda and the bullfrog, wondered if he was still in his little chamber, waiting for her too. It was nice to think that people and things thought of her and waited for and wanted her. Many years later, after she had become a college student and left her mother’s home for the last time, Erycha would buy a baby iguana that ate the rose petals from off the walls of her apartment building. The iguana would eventually grow to six feet in length counting its tail, and every day when she woke and left her room the iguana would see her and whack the thin wall with its thunderous tail, making the apartment shudder just a little. It was, she figured, its unique way of saying good morning and breaking the loneliness that was her life, just like the bullfrog of her girlhood had kept her company at night with its own reptilian kindness.