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INTRODUCTION

BY ANDY BRECKMAN

Andy Breckman is a television and film writer and a radio personality. He is the co-creator and executive producer of the Emmy Award-winning television series Monk on the USA Network, and is co-host of WFMU radio’s long-running conceptual comedy program Seven Second Delay. He has written screenplays for a number of comedy films including Sgt. Bilko and Rat Race and is frequently hired as a “script doctor” to inject humorous content into scripts written by other screenwriters. He has worked on Saturday Night Live and Late Night with David Letterman.

Let me tell you about my first day in Hollywood.

I had flown to Los Angeles to pitch some movie ideas. I had worked on some TV shows back in New York, but this trip was my first time trying to sell to a major studio. I pulled up to the main gate at Universal Studios. The guard handed me my drive-on pass, and waved me through. My movie geek heart was pounding! I’d been watching — absorbing — movies since I was a kid. All I ever wanted to do was make movies.

Write movies.

That was the dream.

There was a truck in front of me. It stopped. Some workers started loading movie scripts onto the back. They must have been cleaning out a warehouse or something. There were thousands — tens of thousands — of scripts piled up in cardboard cartons. I could see their titles — in bright magic markers — handwritten on the spines. Some — I suppose — were movies that had been produced. But most were scripts that had never been made, and never would be made. A truckload of broken dreams.

My heart sank. I felt humbled and intimidated. I suddenly saw what I was up against. In one horrific moment, I understood the odds against me. Each of those scripts had been written by professional screenwriters, right? How could I possibly compete with all of them? Why should I even try?

I pulled over. I was shaking. I wanted to go home.

Since you’re reading this, I assume that you have the same dream. Here’s my guarantee: You will soon be tested. It will feel like the whole town — the whole industry — is conspiring, in a nutty Oliver Stone sort of way, to break your virgin heart. To discourage you. To send you home. You’re going to feel like the guy in that Gladys Knight & the Pips song, “Midnight Train To Georgia.” I tear up every time I hear it. “L.A. proved too much for the man…”

Here’s my advice: DO NOT GET ON THAT MIDNIGHT TRAIN. If Gladys Knight calls, hang up! Avoid the Pips altogether. Persevere. Wait tables. Drive limos. Take improv classes. Work for free on the set of your roommate’s Godawful indie film.

Don’t give up. Keep your eyes open. Be prepared to be lucky.

And learn your craft. That’s where this book comes in.

As Professor Giglio says… sorry, it feels weird calling him “Professor” — I’ve known him since he was a kid.

As Mr. Giglio says… no, that doesn’t feel right either.

As Keith says… this book won’t write your script for you. Only you can provide the Divine Spark. Think of this text as an instruction booklet — the kind you get in the carton with your 500-piece Ikea computer desk. It will help you assemble — and arrange and polish — the pieces of your screenplay. What to do first… basic structure… finding a theme.... what pieces go where... molding a comedic character... building conflict!

Making it all fit and work together.

I was lucky. I couldn’t quit. I was blessed with a complete lack of any other marketable skills. So I stuck it out, and taught myself — by trial and very painful error — how to tell and sell a story. I wish I had this wonderful book back then; it would’ve saved me a lot of time and heartache. The truth is, I’m kind of pissed off at Keith for not writing it twenty-five years ago.

Here’s my hope: that you apply the lessons you learn in these pages and write a brilliantly funny, successful movie, then another, then form a studio-financed production company to oversee other writers and other projects, then remember how helpful and witty this introduction was, then hire me.

— Andy Breckman