Читать книгу The Scandalous Collection - Кейт Хьюит, Пенни Джордан - Страница 31

IT WAS almost exactly a month since her scan, but far from bringing them closer together those four weeks had, if anything, led to Ash putting an even greater distance between them, Sophia thought as she sat alone in her private courtyard garden in the welcome cool of the evening.

Where the twins were concerned, Ash was scrupulous about keeping a check on their health and her own, but whenever she tried to talk to him on any kind of personal level he retreated from her and changed the subject.

And most humiliating of all for her, as her own need and indeed craving for a loving gentle intimacy with him grew, along with her feelings of emotional insecurity, Ash had rejected her by no longer coming to her bed.

Whilst part of her—the old feisty Sophia—longed to demand to know what had happened to the sexual chemistry he had told her existed between them, the new mother-in-waiting Sophia was far too protective of the future emotional security of the babies she was carrying to want to risk a confrontation that could destroy the increasingly fragile bonds that held them together.

Besides, she seriously thought that Ash’s distance from her was the way things were going to be and that nothing she could say or do could change that, and that really scared her. Not for her own sake but for the sake of their sons. It was one thing for Ash to refuse to let her get close to him, but increasingly she was worrying that he might behave in exactly the same way with the twins, locking them out emotionally. Not necessarily deliberately—she knew how pleased he was about them—but because he simply couldn’t help himself?

She had grown up with a distant father whom she had felt had rejected every attempt she had made to get close to him. She couldn’t bear the thought of that happening to her precious babies. But they would have her, and Ash would be a good and protective father in many other ways. Right now, because her pregnancy was making her feel so emotionally vulnerable, she was achingly conscious of all that she was missing as a woman by not having a husband who loved her, but it was the twins who mattered most, not her. There was no sacrifice of her own personal happiness she was not prepared to make to give them the security of growing up with their parents living together. That didn’t mean that she wasn’t right to feel concerned that Ash might not be able to stop his attitude towards her from spilling over into his behaviour towards his sons.

In the privacy of his own suite, Ash paced the floor of his office. He had taken to working late into the evening, telling himself that he needed to ensure that all his projects were up to date ahead of the birth of the twins, but he knew that the reality was he worked late because that was the only way he had of blotting out the demons that were stalking him.

It was illogical and … and unnecessary, unwanted and unacceptable to him, this almost constant need he had to be with Sophia. And not just to be with her. He wanted … Ash stopped pacing, a dark frown slashing his forehead. He had told himself that it would be no hardship for a man of his level of self-discipline to deny himself Sophia’s bed as a precautionary measure to ensure the safety of her pregnancy—after all, as good and passionate as the sex between them had been it was only sex—but the truth was that with every night without her, his desire for her found a thousand different new ways in which to torture him. Just the memory of the scent of her skin, the sound of her breath as it accelerated with the desire he had stoked, the small mewling sounds of increasingly out-of-control pleasure she made when he aroused her, all of those just by themselves were enough to have a need coursing through him that left him feeling as though he had been burned with acid and left raw and close to crying out with the pain of his wounds.

He had lost count of the number of times he had woken in the night thinking he could hear her breathing, conjuring up out of the darkness the sound of her voice as she whispered his name so sweetly when she pleaded with him not just for the pleasure he gave her but also for the right to return that pleasure to him. How could one single woman in the space of a handful of weeks have come to have such a powerful effect on him? He had desired women before. But never as much as he desired Sophia, and certainly never as much as he needed the sweet agony the desire gave him.

That he should feel like this was a warning to him, Ash told himself. A warning and a test. He must surely prove to himself that he could stay away from Sophia’s bed—in the first instance for the practical reason of not wanting to endanger her pregnancy in any way, especially as she was carrying twins, but in the second instance so that by the time they were sharing a bed again the need he felt for her would be under his control, not the other way around.

Given all that, why was he right now walking down the corridor that led to Sophia’s room?

She knew it wasn’t the sensible thing to do. Surely she’d spent far too many hours preparing herself logically for what her life with Ash was going to be like to waste all that effort on some kind of irrational emotional outburst, or even worse, the kind of emotionally demanding behaviour that was bound to make Ash retreat even further from her?

This wasn’t about her, Sophia reminded herself as she hurried towards her bedroom door, intent on seeking Ash out to confront him with her growing concern about how his emotional distance from her could impact on their sons if he behaved the same way towards them. She’d been on her way to bed when the emotional firestorm that was now propelling her towards her bedroom door had struck, leaving her to pull a robe on over her cobweb-fine silk nightgown.

Ash reached out for the handle to Sophia’s bedroom door. He should not be doing this. An ice-cold river of self-loathing held him immobile whilst also trapping his emotions in its familiar numbing wasteland. Even his heartbeat seemed to have slowed in tune with the emptiness that had now filled the gap left by the rush of longing that had brought him here. His hand fell back to his side just as inside the bedroom Sophia pulled open the door.

The unexpectedness of seeing Ash there, outside her bedroom door, obviously on his way to see her—where else could he be going, after all?—flooded her with so much happiness that she immediately reached out to him, her hand on his arm as she urged him inside her room, her joy showing in the warmth in her voice as she said his name.

Automatically Ash allowed himself to be drawn towards her. Her open delight at seeing him was confusing the ice-cold deadening river of controlled self-loathing inside him. His gaze—the one that only seconds ago under the influence of that deadening flow had, like his other senses, assured him that there was nothing about any aspect of Sophia that could break through the barriers he had so regrettably allowed to weaken in the privacy of his own treacherous thoughts—could see the sweet warmth of the curve of her lips, lips which he already knew were so soft and incredibly responsive to his kisses that just to look at them was enough to have them quivering with longing, and her body softening with desire for him just as right now his was hardening with its desire for her.

He must not think about that. He dragged his gaze from her face and then realised his mistake as it slipped to her body, its burgeoning shape revealed to him through the flimsiness of the nightgown he could see beneath her open robe. Her breasts looked fuller, her belly rounding. His heartbeat had picked up and was now racing, thumping, in fact, with the renewed force of his longing to reach out for her and take hold of her, to discover her newly forming body with his fingertips so that he could learn its promise and rejoice in the gift it was holding.

Ash was here. She had been allowing her silly vulnerability to get the better of her. He was here and soon he would hold her and in the secret darkness of their bed they would share an intimacy that surely she could build on to sustain her. Only now that he was here could she admit to herself the true depth of the sense of loss and abandonment she had felt through his absence from her bed. In fact, she was physically trembling with the intensity of her relief—trembling inside and close to tears caused by that relief, as well. Perhaps there was hope for the future after all. It was obvious that she had misjudged the situation in thinking that Ash didn’t want her any more now that she was pregnant. Loving him meant …

Loving him? Loving Ash? Her heart felt as though it had been thrown into a theme park ride and was now racing upward towards the final terrifying drop. When had love crept into the equation? It wasn’t a question Sophia was in any state of mind to answer. All she did know was that in one blinding moment of clarity she had been shown the reality of her own feelings. She loved Ash. Hadn’t she read somewhere that women were engineered differently than men by nature, to produce a hormone during sex that automatically forged a unique bond by that woman’s senses and emotions to the man with whom she had shared the experience?

And wasn’t it the truth that she had already been programmed to love Ash by her own past even if she had genuinely believed that he had killed that teenage adoration with his rejection of her?

Love. For her husband and their sons. Surely that was something worth fighting for, something worth striving and hoping for? They were already married, and …

And Ash had sworn never to allow himself to look for love within their marriage.

But he was here. He had come to her.

Here in this room was everything in his world that held real value, Ash found himself thinking. Here was everything he could ever want or need because here was Sophia.

He moved closer to her just as she moved closer to him, an appeal in her eyes that he couldn’t misunderstand. His body certainly wasn’t misunderstanding it. His body was welcoming that soft look of female need she was giving him.

‘Ash.’ All Sophia’s pent-up emotion trembled through her voice. Ash was so close to her. He was within touching distance of her.

‘Ash.’ She whispered his name this time, and then felt the warm gust of his breath against her lips as he exhaled in response before bending his head to kiss her.

He wanted her so much. His body was on fire with that need. It had already gone far too long without her, and it hungered for her. As though something inside him had snapped Ash felt his self-control break. Wrapping Sophia in his arms he began to kiss her over and over again, the sensuality of his passion turning her weak with her own response to it as she returned each increasingly deep kiss.

Unable to stop himself, Ash started to caress Sophia’s body, the full curves of her breasts with their dark crests so clearly visible beneath the fine silk and so responsive to his touch, causing her to make small sounds of pleasure deep down in her throat. Her head was thrown back against his supporting arm as he brought those sweet moans of pleasure from her. He couldn’t wait to take her to bed and complete their lovemaking. His body ached and burned for that intimacy and that release; it dragged out the need racking him so that he could feel it in every nerve ending. He kissed her hungrily, savouring the sweet rich taste of her, the pleasure that lay within the warmth of her mouth, his free hand automatically moving lower over her body and then stilling when it encountered the soft swell of her pregnancy.

Lost beneath the intensity of Ash’s kiss and her own response to it, at first Sophia couldn’t quite take in what was happening when Ash abruptly stopped kissing her and pushed her away from him, releasing her.

‘What is it?’ she asked him shakily. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘The twins,’ was all Ash could bring himself to say, his voice terse as he half turned away from her to conceal from her his own disgust with himself. How could he have been so lost to all sense of what it meant to be a father to have allowed his desire to drive him towards an action that might have endangered the twins’ safety and Sophia’s physical comfort? He was disgusted with himself.

‘The twins?’ was all Sophia could manage to repeat as she tried to cling to the remnants of her dignity, pulling it around herself in much the same way in which she was now drawing her open robe around her body.

After the realisation that she loved Ash, his appearance in her bedroom and then her hopes heightened by what had looked as though it was going to turn into intense lovemaking, his rejection of her now was unbearably painful.

‘I don’t want …’ Ash began, but Sophia was in no mood to let him continue. Where there had been hope and arousal, there was now disappointment, hurt and anger—the hurt anger of a feisty woman who wanted her man but who was being rejected by him.

‘You don’t want me any more now that I’m pregnant, is that what you were going to say? I’m carrying your sons so you don’t have to have sex with me any more, is that it? What about that sexual chemistry between us you spoke of when you were persuading me to marry you, Ash, or did that only exist when you were thinking about me conceiving your heir? Or maybe it’s just that you don’t find me desirable now that I’m pregnant. But whatever the case, I want you to know that coming here and … and … and doing what you did and then rejecting me isn’t the kind of behaviour I expect from a man like you. It’s … it’s cruel and … and unfair.’ Her voice was becoming thick with the tears she was determined not to unleash. Ash was standing with his face averted from her, and not moving at all.

He was ignoring her, blocking her out, distancing himself from her. Because he didn’t want her in his life at all, really? Because he never had and he never would?

It was too much for her to endure.

‘Did you ever really desire me at all, Ash, or was it just something you forced yourself to pretend?’

‘No.’ The denial was ripped from Ash’s throat before he could silence it, the sheer intensity of the emotions inside him that had broken through physically forcing him to turn round, and look at Sophia. ‘Of course I wanted you.’ He wanted her now. He wanted to go to her and take hold of her and show her how wrong she was, but he had her to think of, and the twins. He was a husband and a father-to-be now and not just a man burning and driven by his own shameful lusts.

‘But you haven’t been near me for weeks, and just now …’

‘I was thinking of the twins and of you. I didn’t want …’ It was so hard for him to admit to any kind of emotional vulnerability but his moral need to set the record straight was stronger than his need to protect his defences.

‘I didn’t want to risk hurting them or … or you. You are so small and you are carrying two babies.’

There was a huge lump in Sophia’s throat. She couldn’t deny the truth she could hear in Ash’s voice. She couldn’t argue against such an obviously genuine explanation. But why couldn’t he have told her that before?

‘I’m a woman, Ash. I’m designed by nature to carry your sons safely. And women do have sex when they’re pregnant, you know.’

‘I didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks.’

Yes, she understood his fears. But why couldn’t he have opened up to her and explained what was in his thoughts? He couldn’t because Ash didn’t deal in emotions.

The warmth she had felt when he had explained why he had stayed away from her had turned to the cold chill of a returning fear that was already worrying her, namely that Ash would not be able to relate emotionally to his sons and that he would keep them at a distance, because he no longer knew how to relate emotionally to others.

Ash saw the pain darkening Sophia’s eyes and the sadness shadowing her face. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ he asked her.

‘I know how much the twins mean to you, Ash, but I’m worried that they’ll never know, because you will never be able to show them or tell them how much they mean to you. I’m afraid that you’ll distance yourself from them in the same way that you distance yourself from me. I know how much that hurts, having a father who doesn’t seem to care. That kind of thing can hurt a child so very badly and make them feel so rejected. A child can’t rationalise that it might just be that a father does care but can’t show those feelings. I want our sons to know the real Ash, the Ash that I knew whilst I was growing up, the kind, understanding, always ready to listen, happy Ash whom I loved so much. I want you to be that Ash for our children, but I’m afraid that they will never know him, because the Ash you feel you have to be now has locked him away and will never let him be free to enjoy his children and to love them.’

Every emotion-filled, spoken-from-the-heart word Sophia offered felt a like a seismic shock deep inside Ash that shook him to the core. He knew with a flash of insight and at the most powerful deepest intense level of himself that Sophia’s words had touched a nerve, set in motion a reaction like the clicking open of a series of locks that had opened doors inside him that showed him an inescapable truth. That truth was that he couldn’t bear to be the man Sophia had just described to him, the man who whilst loving his children could not reach out to them and so left them to feel that he didn’t care, and the husband who wanted and needed his wife so much that he was filled with fear because of those feelings.

‘Sophia!’ Her name broke from his heart and tore at his lungs, his stride towards her to reach her swift and slightly uncoordinated, his breathing unsteady. A fine tremor gripped his body as he held her hands in his own and told her thickly, ‘I promise you that I will be the father you want me to be for our sons, that I will try to be the Ash you remember for them and that they will never, ever have to doubt my love for them.’

‘Oh, Ash.’

‘And as for me not wanting you …’

He was kissing her so sweetly and tenderly, drawing her close to his body so that she could feel for herself his desire for her, that it was impossible for Sophia not to respond.

‘I don’t want to hurt you or the babies,’ Ash was whispering to her in a voice raw with a desire he wasn’t making any attempt to hide.

‘You won’t,’ Sophia assured him. ‘We can be careful and make it slow and sweet, and …’

The violent shudder that racked Ash’s body told her more than any words how much hers had affected him. But when he carried her to the bed and then carefully undressed her to gaze reverentially at her naked body, it was her turn to tremble with the intensity of her emotions.

Had she really thought that Ash might be turned off by the changes in her body? If so he was showing her now just how wrong she had been, with the warmth of the long, slow, deep kiss he was giving her.

All the new sweetness of the lives they had created together and the love she had now discovered for him were in Sophia’s response to Ash. Her lips clung to his, her arms reaching out to hold him, her heart melting with the tide of feeling that swept through her when Ash placed his hand on the rounding shape of her body. There was something so inexpressibly tender and special about such a touch, about the contact between father and child, and the warmth of his caress on her own skin at the same time conveying to her body a sense of care and protection.

But it wasn’t just care and protection she wanted from Ash. Her body ached with a hot but gentle sweetness for him and for his lovemaking. And as though he knew exactly how she felt and exactly what she needed and longed for, it seemed somehow to Sophia that with every touch and caress Ash brought a new and deeper meaning to their lovemaking, as though he wanted to bring a new and a deeper meaning to that lovemaking.

The kisses he placed on her belly, the sweet slowness of his possession of her as he waited for her to reassure him that she wanted that possession, spoke so clearly of a man who genuinely cared not just for the welfare of his children but for her, as well. And when the final moment of her pleasure came it brought with it for Sophia an upsurge of emotional tears. She loved him so much.

Feeling Sophia’s tears dampen his face Ash’s first reaction was one of concern that he had, despite the care he had taken, still managed to hurt her, and the shake of her head which she gave in answer to his question had him demanding urgently, ‘Then what is it?’

‘I’m afraid, Ash,’ Sophia admitted, the intimacy of their entwined bodies, the tenderness of the moment and her love for him overwhelming her natural instinct to conceal her feelings from him. ‘You see, I’ve fallen in love with you all over again, and sometimes I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to cope with that when I know that you don’t want my love.’

Later Ash would remember this second out of time and believe that he had actually physically felt the cracking apart of the wall he had built around his emotions, but right now it was the splashing down of one single tear and then another from his own eyes onto Sophia’s damp face that told him all he needed to know. He, who had never been able to cry for any of his own pain or grief, was weeping now for the pain he had caused Sophia, because he loved her, because her pain was worse for him to bear than his own could ever be, and he was the one who had caused that pain.

‘I do want your love, Sophia,’ he told her. ‘I want it and you more than I have ever or could ever want anything or anyone else in my life. I’ve known that for weeks, although I’ve been trying to deny it. You say that you are afraid. I have been afraid, too, afraid to admit how much you mean to me, so very afraid that I couldn’t even allow myself to admit to that fear. It was easier to pretend that it wasn’t happening. Easier to make rules for you to obey than to risk admitting that no rules on earth can overpower true love. I’ve known what’s been happening to me but I’ve still tried to fight it, to push you away, to punish myself for even thinking about how I feel about you.’

‘You really mean it?’ Sophia asked him tremulously. ‘You really do love me?’

To see his feisty, brave-hearted Sophia so vulnerable because of his cowardice tore at Ash’s heart. ‘Yes. I really do and I really mean it. I intend to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how precious you are to me. You’ll need to help me though, Sophia. I’ll make mistakes, and get things wrong. I’ll need you to show me how to love you and the babies in the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll have to teach me through your own sweet, loving, generous example.’

‘I will. I’ll show you every day, my darling, darling Ash,’ Sophia assured him tenderly as she cupped the side of his face with her hand and kissed him softly.

Tears for her, fallen from the eyes of the man who loved her, had washed the last of the doubt from her heart.

A tiny flutter of movement, followed by another inside her body, had her giving a small gasp and immediately reaching for Ash’s hand to place it over her stomach.

‘It’s your sons, letting us know that they definitely approve of two parents who love each other,’ she told Ash. And when he bent his head and kissed first on the place where his hand had been and then cupped her face to kiss her, Sophia knew that when it came to learning how to show his love for them, her husband was going to be a very good pupil, indeed.