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ОглавлениеTHE FLIGHT FROM London to Rome took two and a half hours. Ellie spent the time gazing out of the window, trying to escape the thoughts that haunted her. But in her heart she knew there was no escape.
She had thought of herself as sensible, controlled and disciplined. These were the characteristics that had enabled her to keep command of her life. Years of watching the aching unhappiness that had destroyed her parents’ marriage had made her overcautious. Feelings were dangerous things to be kept to herself.
Yet Leonizio had destroyed her caution without even knowing he was doing it. He was a hard man, protected from the world. That was how she saw him, how he preferred to be seen. But suddenly there had been a crack in his armour, giving her a glimpse of the pain concealed within.
Even more surprising had been the sympathy he’d shown for her own troubles. It was the last thing she’d expected from him, and it had softened her heart, making her reach out to him even more intensely.
The result had been devastating. She had meant only to offer him comfort. Yet the touch of his lips had sent desire and emotion blazing through her, destroying common sense, destroying caution, destroying everything but the need to travel this road to the end.
Night after night the memories returned as she lay alone. The sudden cool air on her skin as he’d stripped away her clothes and laid his lips against her breasts; the fierce yearning for him to touch her more—then more—and more. Finally the great moment when he had taken her completely, and everything in her had rejoiced.
It was something she would never forget: the fierce pleasure, unlike anything she had ever known before, the blazing satisfaction as they both climaxed. The feeling of empty desolation as they’d parted, each avoiding the other’s eyes.
When her mind cleared she was shocked at herself for having given in to her feelings without caution. But how could she have thought about it in advance when it had sprung on her out of nowhere, like a storm from a calamitous sky?
And if I’d seen it coming I wouldn’t have let it happen, she mused. Would that have been better?
She found that a hard question to answer. Would it really have been better not to discover the fierce pleasure of his lovemaking?
And could she have turned away from Leonizio when everything in her had flamed with need of him?
When it was over there had been the dizzying sensation of seeing her own reflection, her locks cascading about her shoulders. It was like meeting another person and trying to believe that it was herself.
Silently she’d addressed the woman in the mirror.
I guess you’re my other self. A different me, and yet the same me. I’ve never met you before, and I’m not sure I want you to hang around. You’ve already got me into trouble.
To make certain of it, she pulled her hair back again, fixing it tightly as before.
Now stay away, she told her other self, now fading into the mists.
If Leonizio noticed that she had changed selves he didn’t mention it. He’d paid his bill and they bade each other a polite farewell.
He’d soon returned to Italy and after that they had communicated only formally. He had abandoned his claim on his wife’s child and the divorce was moving to a speedy conclusion. That was the end, she told herself. Leonizio no longer needed her professional services and each could forget that the other existed,
Eight weeks had passed since she’d last seen him. She’d spent the intervening time telling herself that it had been a fantasy. Nothing had really happened.
But, with shattering impact, she had discovered that she was wrong. She’d been reckless to sleep with him, but they had used protection. Only it must have failed. It had to have failed. She was carrying his child.
To make her troubles worse, she desperately needed someone with whom she could share the news. But she was alone. Both her parents had died several years before, and there were no other family members that she was close enough to confide in.
Suddenly her life had become a desert. She was thirty-eight, and pregnant by a man four years younger than herself. Who else could she tell but her baby’s father? However hard it would be to manage, they must have one more meeting so that she could reveal the news that changed the world.
By good luck some papers arrived that required his signature.
‘Best not entrust these to the post,’ she’d said to Dallon. ‘I’ll hand deliver them.’
‘There’s no need for you to go all the way to Italy to be a messenger,’ he’d protested. ‘There’s a firm I can use to deliver this stuff.’
‘I think it would help if I was with him when he signs, in case he raises any problems.’
‘Fair enough.’ He’d given her a friendly grin. ‘You weren’t planning on doing some sightseeing in Rome as well?’
‘Well, it’s my grandmother’s city and I’ve always longed to see it.’
‘Ah, I see. Get a sneaky holiday under the guise of duty. Very clever.’
He’d winked kindly. ‘All right, I’ll fall for it. You’re due for a break.’
She’d smiled and let the matter go. Anything was better than having him suspect her real reason for going to Rome.
She’d emailed Leonizio that she would bring the papers and set off at once, without waiting for his reply. There was a flight due to leave that same day.
She landed in Rome in the evening, too late to go to his office, so she made for the Piazza Navona.
It was among the most prosperous places in the great city. Here, Leonizio’s business centre was located, with his apartment two streets away. Checking into a nearby hotel, Ellie asked herself for the hundredth time whether she was doing the right thing in coming here. But these days most of her own actions confused her.
I was mad to come, she mused. I should have sent someone else. I was also mad to go into his arms, but it all happened so fast I couldn’t think. I have to see him. I have to tell him everything myself.
Briefly, she considered letting her hair hang loose, but all her defensive instincts rose against it for fear that he would get the wrong idea.
‘I don’t want him thinking that other me is still around. He must have no doubt who he’s dealing with now.’
From their correspondence she knew his private address. As the light faded she slipped out of the hotel and made her way to the nearby street where he lived. There was an elegant block of apartments, with lights in almost every window. She looked up, wondering if she might see him.
Several minutes passed while she tried to pluck up the courage to ring the bell. But she couldn’t manage it, and had almost decided to retreat when the sight of him at a window made her draw in a sharp breath. He pushed it open, leaning out, while she stood, tense and undecided. She was just beginning to back into the shadows when he looked down.
His face was in shadow but there was no mistaking the shock that pervaded his whole body.
‘Ellie? Ellie?’
‘Yes, it’s me,’ she called back.
‘Wait there.’
He was with her in a moment, ushering her inside and towards the elevator, which took them up to the second floor. Once they were inside his apartment she walked ahead a few steps, then turned and saw him standing by the door, regarding her curiously.
‘I couldn’t believe it was really you down there,’ he said.
He approached and put his hands on her shoulders.
‘Let me look at you,’ he said. ‘It is you, isn’t it?’
‘Can you doubt it?’
‘Maybe. You look like a woman I once knew—just for a short time.’
A very short time, she thought. And we didn’t know each other, except in one particular sense.
Aloud, she said, ‘Nobody stays the same for ever.’
‘That’s true. So tell me, has the divorce hit a new problem at the last minute?’
‘No, you have nothing to worry about. Harriet has signed all the papers so far, and we’ve fixed a date for her to sign the rest. There are some more forms for you to sign, and then it will be pretty much over. I’ve brought a few of them with me.’
‘Instead of just putting them in the mail? Thank you so much.’
‘Things can get lost in the mail,’ she said. She was prevaricating as the crucial moment neared, but she knew she must soon summon up her courage.
‘Here they are,’ she said, drawing out the papers.
He seized them eagerly. Watching his face, she saw it flooded with relief tinged by a hint of sadness.
‘It’s nearly over,’ he murmured. ‘I’ll soon be free of her. But I’ll also be free of the child who should have been mine, and that’s a freedom I never wanted.’
‘But soon you’ll have the final documents, and then you can make a new life.’
‘That’s what I tell myself, but I keep thinking of that little boy. Even though he isn’t born yet, I loved him so much. But the love must stop.’
‘And now you think you have nobody to love,’ she said gently.
‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘But it isn’t true. I came to see you because—’ She paused. Now that the moment had arrived she was suddenly nervous.
‘I needed to see you,’ she said slowly. ‘There’s something I have to tell you.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant.’
She wasn’t sure what reaction she’d expected, but not the total silence that greeted her. At last he managed to speak in a voice so low that it was almost inaudible.
‘What—did you say?’
‘I’m pregnant. That night we were together—there was a consequence.’
He drew in a sharp breath. ‘Are you telling me that—?’
‘That I’m carrying your baby.’
‘But we used protection. How can that be? You’re sure? Quite certain?’
‘I promise I’m not trying to trick you. You’re the father. It has to be you because there’s nobody else it could be. I don’t know how but the condom must have become damaged. I swear I didn’t plan this...’
‘I wasn’t accusing you of— I only meant—are you sure you’re pregnant?’
‘There’s no doubt of it. I did a test. It was positive.’
Suddenly the tension drained from his face. Now there was only a blazing smile.
‘Yes!’ he cried. ‘Yes!’
He tightened his grip and drew her forward against him in a hug so fierce that she gasped.
‘Sorry,’ he said, loosening his clasp. ‘I must be careful of you now.’
‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I’m not delicate.’
‘Yes, you are. You’re frail and vulnerable and I must do everything to look after you and our child.’
He led her to the sofa and nudged her gently until she sat down.
‘How long have you been sure?’ he asked.
‘A couple of weeks.’
‘And you waited this long to tell me?’
‘I’ve been trying to get my head around it.’
‘Is that all?’ he asked quietly.
She felt she understood his true meaning and said, ‘Look, I told you, you’re the father. There are simply no other candidates. There’s nobody else. You have to believe me.’
‘I do believe you. You told me before that your relationships tended to be unsuccessful. It sounds like a lonely life.’
‘Yes,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘It has been.’
‘But not any more. When we’re married you’ll have me to care for you.’
‘Wait!’ She stopped him. ‘Did you say “married”?’
‘Of course. Why do you look so surprised? Did you think I wouldn’t want to marry you?’
‘To be honest, I never even considered it.’
‘But you must have been thinking of the future when you came here to tell me. What did you expect would happen?’
‘I thought you’d be pleased. You want a child. I can give you one.’
‘And I can give you a lot—a good life with everything you want.’
‘But I’d lose my career, which I enjoy. I’d lose my country. We barely know each other but you expect me to move into a new world with you—’
‘And our child.’
‘Our child will live with me in England. But I’ll put your name on the birth certificate and you can see him or her whenever you like.’
It was sad to see how the eagerness drained from his face, replaced by something that might have been despair. He dropped his head into his hands, staying there for a long moment while she thought she saw a tremor go through him.
‘It’s too soon to make a decision,’ he said at last.
Tact prevented her from pointing out that she’d already made her decision. Clearly he didn’t regard it as final until it suited him.
‘I’m going back to the hotel,’ she said.
‘I’ll drive you.’
‘No need. It’s only a couple of streets away. Just a short walk.’
‘But you must be careful about getting tired now. My car’s just below.’
‘Signor Fellani—’
‘Don’t you think you could call me Leonizio—under the circumstances?’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Let’s go.’
He put his arm protectively around her. She gave in, letting him take her downstairs, into the car and back to the hotel, where he escorted her up to her room.
‘I’ll collect you tomorrow morning,’ he said. ‘We have a lot to talk about.’ He grew tense suddenly. ‘You will be here, won’t you?’
‘I’ve arranged to have several days off, so I don’t have to dash back.’
‘Fine. I’ll collect you tomorrow morning.’
For a moment she thought he might kiss her, but something made him back off, bid her farewell with a nod and retreat down the corridor until he was out of sight. With any other man she would have felt that he’d fled for safety, but with Leonizio that was impossible.
Wasn’t it?
After the traumatic events of the day it was good to be alone. She needed to think. Or perhaps just to feel. She went to bed early, hoping to sleep at once, but sleep wouldn’t come.
She had a strange feeling of being transported back to the past, when she had been a child, watching the misery of her parents’ life together. They had married only because Janet, her mother, was pregnant. Ellie recalled an atmosphere of hostility between two people who didn’t belong together, even with a shared child.
‘I should have known it could never work,’ Janet had once told her bitterly. ‘But our families were thrilled at the thought of a grandchild, and determined to make sure of it. So they pressured us into marriage.’
‘Didn’t you love Dad?’ Ellie had once asked. ‘I thought that sometimes there seemed to be love—’
‘Oh, yes, sometimes. He was a handsome man and all the girls were wild for him. They envied me being his wife, but he only married me because he was backed into a corner. After a while I started to have feelings for him, and I thought I could make him return them. But it didn’t work. Why should he bother to court me when he already had me there to do his bidding? You have to keep a man wanting, and if you can’t do that he’ll take advantage of it.’
Thinking back now, Ellie remembered that the only happiness had come from her grandmother, Lelia, who was Italian. She had married an Englishman, given up her country to live with him in England, and been left stranded by his death. When her son, Ellie’s father, married she’d moved in with him and his wife.
Ellie had been close to her grandmother. Lelia had enjoyed nothing better than regaling her with tales of Italy, and teaching her some of the language. It had been a severe loss when she died.
Without her kindly presence Ellie’s parents had grown more hostile to each other, until their inevitable divorce.
‘Will you be all right on your own?’ Ellie had ventured to ask her mother.
‘I won’t be on my own. I’ve got you.’
‘But—you know what I mean.’
‘You mean without a husband? I’ll actually be better off without him. Better no man at all than the wrong man. Better no relationship than a bad one.’
Life was hard. Her father paid them as little as he could get away with, and Janet took a job with low wages. Determined to have a successful career, Ellie had buried herself in schoolwork, coming top of the class. In this she was encouraged by her mother, who told her time and again that independence was the surest road to freedom.
‘Have your own career, your own life,’ she’d urged. ‘Never be completely dependent on a man.’
Ellie had heeded the lesson, took a law degree at university and qualified as a solicitor with flying colours. Alex Dallon was eager to employ her. She was a success.
The firm specialised in divorce cases. In the years she had worked there she’d witnessed every kind of break-up for every kind of reason. She’d soon realised that wretchedly unhappy marriages were more common than she’d thought. Men and women swore eternal love and fidelity, then turned on each other in a miasma of hate and mistrust. She wondered if love was ever successful.
Her own experiences gave her no cause for comfort. There were men attracted by her wit and her lively personality. But the attraction soon died when they were faced with an intelligence often sharper than their own, and an efficiency that tolerated no nonsense.
Finally there had been the man she’d described to Leonizio, briefly interested in her but then leaving her for a woman of more conventional charms.
Besides, how could Leonizio want marriage after the disaster that was his last one? His divorce wasn’t even through. He’d be mad to even entertain the idea of getting involved again so soon.
No, whatever the solution was for her situation with Leonizio, it certainly wasn’t marriage. They were both adults. She felt sure that they could come up with a solution for sharing their child that would suit them both.
Reassured that her sensible side had returned, she turned over and drifted off to sleep.
* * *
Next morning she went downstairs to eat breakfast in the restaurant. Her table was by the window, looking out on the street. After a while she saw a familiar figure appear, heading for the hotel entrance. She hurried out into the lobby, waving to Leonizio, and he followed her back into the restaurant.
‘Did you sleep well?’ he asked as they sipped coffee.
‘Not really. Too much to mull over. You?’
‘Same with me. Have you done any more thinking about what we discussed yesterday?’
‘We agreed to be good parents, friendly for our child’s sake.’
‘That isn’t what I meant. I proposed marriage. You were going to consider it.’
‘I gave you my answer last night.’
He didn’t reply at once, seeming sunk in thought. At last he said, ‘We’re still virtually strangers. It can’t work like that. At least let’s spend some time getting to know each other. You might find I’m not the monster you think me.’
‘Or I might find you’re worse,’ she said in a teasing voice.
‘I’ll just have to take that risk. I want you to stay with me. You’ll find the spare room very comfortable. My housekeeper will take care of you.’
‘But—I’m not sure. It might be better if I stayed in the hotel.’
‘The more time we spend together the better it will be.’
‘But I don’t think—’
She stopped as she saw a young man approaching their table. He handed Leonizio a piece of paper, saying, ‘Ecco la ricevuta, signore.’
Ellie frowned, recognising just one word. Ricevuta meant receipt.
‘Receipt?’ she asked when the man had gone.
‘I’ve paid your bill here. I called them last night and paid over the phone. There’s no reason why the cost should fall on you.’
It sounded fine and generous, but something about it made her uneasy.
‘Last night?’ she queried. ‘Why? My bill won’t need to be paid until I check out.’
‘Actually—you already have.’
‘What? You mean you—?’
‘I told them you would be leaving this morning.’
‘Oh, really? And the little matter of consulting me slipped your mind. So this is your way of showing me that you’re not a monster?’
‘I just want you to stay with me. Ellie, you’re important to me—both of you. I couldn’t let you go.’
‘You mean you couldn’t let me do what I want if it conflicts with what you want.’
‘It’ll help us get to know each other really well so that we can plan out a future that’s good for all of us. Isn’t that what we both want?’
Ellie regarded him with her head on one side. ‘So that’s how you do it.’
‘Do what?’
‘Conduct your business. Nobody else stands a chance, do they? You get the better of the other guy by doing something outrageous that he can’t fight. Then you put on an innocent look and say, “Isn’t that what we both want?” And he gives in. Or so you hope. And that way you get everyone so scared of you that they can’t fight back.’
‘Are you scared of me, Ellie? Strange that I never noticed. You’re not afraid of anyone.’
‘True. And in my own way I too can be fearsome. I keep my worst side hidden until it leaps out and catches you unprepared. So be very careful.’
‘I’ll bear your warning in mind. As for persuading you to stay with me—I guess I used the wrong method. Perhaps I should try another way.’
‘Such as what?’
‘I could beg you.’ He assumed a slightly theatrical air. ‘Please, Ellie, do this for me. Please. Stay with me for the next couple of days, at least until we can agree on the best way to move forward with this situation.’
Ellie had to concede that he had a point. They did need to sort things out. And maybe a venue more private than a busy hotel was a better place to plan their future. ‘I will stay with you, but only for a few days. And I won’t be sharing your bed.’
He nodded, giving her an unexpectedly warm smile.
‘Whatever you want, Ellie. I only want to make this work. When you’re ready we’ll go up and collect your things.’
‘Let’s go,’ she said.
Be realistic, she told herself. He changed tactics and got his own way again. And he thinks he always will. But he’s got another think coming.
Upstairs, she packed quickly, then let him carry her bags down to the car. A few minutes and they had reached his home. As they approached the front door, a window opened high above them and a young woman looked out, smiling and waving down to them. Leonizio waved back.
The front door was already open as they approached. The young woman stood there, smiling.
‘Mamma indisposta,’ she said. ‘Non puo venire oggi.’
Ellie just managed to understand this as, ‘Mamma is unwell. She can’t come today.’
‘Better speak English,’ Leonizio said. ‘Ellie, this is Corina. Her mother is my housekeeper.’
‘But today she has a bad headache,’ Corina said. ‘So I came instead. I must go now, or my husband will be cross.’ She smiled at Ellie. ‘But first I show you your room.’
The room was large and luxurious, dominated by a double bed.
‘The signore left before I arrived,’ Corina said, ‘but he left a note saying everything in this room was to be perfect for you.’
‘How kind of him,’ Ellie said politely.
So he’d left those instructions before she had agreed to come here, she thought. Just as he’d checked her out of the hotel without asking her. Those were his methods, and she would have to be always on her guard.
Corina helped her unpack, then went out to Leonizio, who paid her and showed her out.
‘Let’s have some coffee,’ he said to Ellie.
He made good coffee, and they sat together in the kitchen.
‘We can make our arrangements,’ he said. ‘You can tell me how you want things to be.’
‘Is that meant to be a joke? How I want things? After the way you’ve controlled me today. You ordered the room to be fixed before I’d even agreed to come.’ She gave a brief laugh. ‘Suppose you hadn’t been able to get me here? You’d have looked foolish in front of Corina.’
‘It wouldn’t have done my dignity any good,’ he agreed. ‘And you’d have enjoyed that. I’m going to have to beware of you.’
‘As long as you realise that.’
Before he could reply the telephone rang. He answered it, spoke tersely in rapid-fire Italian and hung up.
‘I’ve got to go to my office for a couple of hours. Why not come with me and let me show you around?’
‘Thank you but there’s no need. I won’t escape. I promise.’
He made a wry face. ‘I wasn’t exactly thinking that—oh, hell, yes, I was.’
‘I wonder what your employees would think if they saw how easily you get into a panic.’
‘Only with you. You’re the scariest person I know.’
‘Then I’ll just have to stick around for the pleasure of scaring you.’
He smiled suddenly, but his smile was quickly replaced by a frown. ‘I have to be going. I’ll be back as soon as I can.’
He departed quickly, leaving her to lean from the window, watching him until he vanished. She had a good view of the neighbourhood, with its expensive shops and elegant roads.
So many roads, she thought. And no way of seeing where they all led.
