Читать книгу The Chatsfield: Series 2 - Эбби Грин, Кейт Хьюит - Страница 20

CHAPTER NINE

ZAYN STRUGGLED TO catch his breath, the weight of Sophie on his chest suddenly so great he couldn’t breathe.

He pulled away from her, rolling out of the bed, cursing himself in every language he knew, cursing his own weakness. He had sworn not to touch her again, and now he had. And now this. A wave of shame washed over him, a sick feeling that slid through his stomach like tar, coating everything it touched.

If it were only him. If he were all that mattered, he would break his engagement. He would keep her forever. But there was Surhaadi. And Christine. And Leila.

And, most of all, Sophie. Who deserved something better. Something other than him.

“Don’t do this, Sophie. Please.” He didn’t know why he was pleading with her, he should have done all this bargaining with himself, he should have done it before he ever touched her, before he ever touched her for the first time. But he had given in so easily, and then he had given in again.

“Don’t do what?” She sat up, her green eyes rounded.

“You know exactly what. Don’t bring feelings into this. There is no place for them.”

“This is the only place for them. I told you, I’ve spent far too long hiding to start doing it again now.” She flung the covers away from her body, revealing her soft pale skin, skin he had just tasted, just touched. Skin he had no right to look upon, a representation of trust he had no right to.

He wished that she would hide again, because looking at her like this was like staring into the sun. Too intense, too bright, a light that was too clean and pure for him to possibly process.

“Are you really going to do this?” she asked.

“Am I going to do what?”

“Are you going to marry her? Are you really going to marry her for your country?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” He pressed down hard on the wound in his chest that seemed to be flowing freely, stopped the bleeding. He shut it all down, redirected the walls that she had demolished only moments ago.

“You can’t live like this. You can’t live your life for everyone else.”

“Yes, I can. It’s what I should do. It’s what I was always meant to do, but it’s what I was too cowardly to do when I was a young man. But I do it now, I am determined to continue to do it. And a couple of brief moments of insanity are hardly going to change that. When Christine arrives here, I will confess what I have done. And for every moment hereafter I will be faithful to her. I will be faithful to my country.”

“That is no reason to take a wife. It is no reason to pledge fidelity to somebody. Because you want to show faith to your country? What about love?”

“What is love?” he growled, rage rising up inside of him, and he couldn’t quite figure out why. Why this was affecting him so deeply. Why did it hurt like he was being stabbed with a pike straight to the heart. “What does it matter, anyway? I’ve never seen it do any good. I’ve never seen it help a damn thing. Jasmine loved Damien. Do you suppose Leila loves James Chatsfield? Do you suppose it will do her any good?” He knew he was betraying too much, but he could not hold it back right now, could not stem the tide of anger that was pouring from him.

Dimly, he realized that he was raging against something far bigger than Sophie, that he was pouring it all out onto her petite frame, and yet he could not hold it back.

“What does love have to do with anything? What bearing does it have on the world, on the things I must concern myself with? Love cannot come into it. It is only duty.”

“What is duty without love? An obligation. It is empty.”

“It’s only empty if you don’t act on it. I am acting. I am doing what I must.”

“Do something for yourself.”

“Myself? I do not deserve anything. I had my years of debauchery, of serving me. It is over. And it is for the best.”

“Do you know, Zayn? I lived for that moment in my mind, when I would go up to my father and tell him the mistake he made. I directed my entire life for that moment. I stayed in New York because of that moment. Because I was going to claim what had been lost to me. I selected the school I went to for that reason. I worked hard for that reason. I took this job as a journalist for that reason. And suddenly I just...I don’t care. I built my entire life around that. Around a triumphant moment in front of a man who doesn’t care that I exist. I would give it all up for you. To be here, to stay here. I was going to stand before my father and ask him to choose me now that I was worthy. I’m standing in front of you and I know I’m not worthy. I’m not a princess, I can’t help you. I can’t help your country. But I love you. I’m not waiting until I feel like I’m worthy, I’m just asking. Because what’s the point of being afraid? What’s the point of trying to contort myself into something I’m not even sure I want to be? I can’t be a princess, but I can love you. And that’s what I’m bringing.” She spread her hands wide, totally exposed, totally open. It terrified him to see it. Because she was so unprotected, and he would be the one to take advantage of that. He would be the one to wound her. “This is all I have. But I will give it all to you.”

“I cannot accept it.” His throat was so tight, it was nearly closed. “I can make no other decision but the one that has already been made. I have promised myself to Christine, and I must keep that promise.” It was becoming harder and harder to remember why. But he knew that he must, because it served his country, because it didn’t serve himself. Because it would keep eyes on him while Leila figured out what to do with her pregnancy. Those reasons. He knew all of the reasons. And he could not forget them.

She nodded slowly, tears glistening in her green eyes. “Okay.”

He reached out and grabbed her arm, pulled her to him. “You are not alone. I swear to you, I will take care of you.”

* * *

Sophie looked at Zayn, her heart burning. She knew he was offering everything he could. At least, he was offering what he wasn’t afraid to offer. He was clinging to the idea of duty, because duty was important, she knew that. But she knew there were other ways. And she knew that for whatever reason, he was keeping himself from seeing them.

She needed to turn away from him. She needed to leave. But it was impossible. When he was offering to care for her, when he was there, bronzed, strong and naked. Everything she had ever wanted. A fantasy she had never had before. All of him, all of this. She’d had a goal, she had a dream, but it had been so narrow. So limited. Now, suddenly, she saw all of the possibilities, all of the things that she could want, and they were still out of reach. And even though she knew this would end, even though he was promising an end, she knew she wasn’t strong enough to leave now. Not while there was still some time.

So she stood, waiting for him to tell her to go. Because until he told her to go, she wasn’t going to move.

She breathed a sigh of relief when he closed the distance between them, wrapping his arm around her waist and bringing her into contact with his body. “I will take care of you.” His words were intense, steady, a promise she knew he intended to keep. Another duty he was adding to his list. “No matter how far we are from each other, no matter how the years distance us, I will make sure you lack for nothing.”

For a moment she simply let his words wash over her, a balm she hadn’t realized her soul had needed.

She said nothing, instead she stretched up on her toes and kissed him. She didn’t want any more words to pass between them tonight. She simply wanted to be held. She simply wanted to be with him.

He picked her up, and brought her back to bed. And for the rest of the night she thought of nothing but the moment.

* * *

When Zayn woke up the next morning to an empty bed, he was certain of two things. Sophie loved him. And he desperately craved that love. He didn’t know if he was equal to it. If he could return it in the way she deserved, but there was no limit to how much he wanted it.

So many years of wanting nothing for himself, and now that he did, he could think of little else.

Except for Christine.

Sophie was right. They would make each other miserable in the end because while they would both fulfill their function, they would never meet their deepest purpose.

Because when Sophie had said she loved him, he’d felt something shift deep inside him. It had changed him.

It had exposed his weaknesses. Brought them out into the light of day. Sophie didn’t let him hide. She made him face the truth, face himself. And he knew he could do the same for her.

But not for Christine.

Duty without love is void.

It would be so for both of them. An empty, wasteland of duty, dry as the desert heat.

But for a moment, when Sophie had spoken those words, he had imagined a future that did not stretch out before him, dull, lifeless and bleak. An endless stretch of time that would mean so little. Married to a woman whose face he could scarcely picture. Whose voice he couldn’t conjure up. Whose lips he had never tasted, whose body he didn’t want. Was he truly going to have children with her? Was he going to bind her to him knowing that all she would ever be was a political means to an end?

Could he truly consign himself and Christine to a lifetime of dry, empty duty?

He had been using Christine all this time. Using her to ensure his stability, using her to ensure the stability of his family. And certainly, she was using him, too, but there had to be more. He suddenly wanted more for them both.

And he knew no matter what, he could not marry her. Not now. Regardless of what happened with Sophie, and he still didn’t know what might, he couldn’t promise himself to Christine now.

His heart raged as he reached for his phone. His decision was made. It was not in line with his duty. It was not the most honorable.

But it was right.