Читать книгу Modern Romance April 2016 - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 20

CHAPTER ELEVEN

JAZ WAS TRYING not to show how nervous she was the next morning but Jake must have sensed it because he kept looking at her with a watchful gaze. She picked at the breakfast he had had delivered to their suite but barely any made it to her mouth.

‘At least have a glass of juice,’ he said, pushing a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice towards her.

‘I think I’m going to be sick.’

He took her hand from across the table and gave it an encouraging squeeze. ‘Sweetheart, you’re going to knock them for six down there.’

She bit down on her lip, panic and nerves clawing at her insides like razor blades whirled in a blender. ‘Who am I fooling? I’m just a gardener’s daughter from the wrong side of the tracks. What am I doing here pretending I’m a high street designer?’

‘Imposter syndrome,’ Jake said, leisurely pouring a cup of brewed coffee. ‘That’s what all this fuss is about. You don’t believe in yourself. You think you’ve fluked it, that someone is going to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder and tell you to get the hell out of here because you’re not up to standard.’

That was exactly what Jaz was thinking. She had been thinking it most of her life. Being abandoned by her mother had always made her feel as if she wasn’t good enough. She tried so hard to be the best she could be so people wouldn’t leave her. But invariably they eventually did. Three times she had got engaged and each time it had ended. Her fiancés had ended it, not her. She was ashamed to admit she might well have married each and every one of them if they hadn’t pulled the plug first. She was so terrified of failing, she over-controlled everything: her work, her relationships, her life. Her business was breaking even...just. But she’d had a lot of help. If it hadn’t been for Jake’s parents, she might never have got to where she was.

How long could she go on doing everything herself? She was constantly juggling. Sometimes she felt like a circus clown on stilts with twenty plates in the air. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d taken a holiday. She took her work everywhere. She had Holly’s dress with her in case there was a spare minute to work on the embroidery. She hadn’t had a chance to draw a single sketch for Miranda. How long could she go on like that? Something had to give. She was going to get an ulcer at this rate. Maybe she already had one.

‘You’re right,’ she said on a sigh. ‘Every time I get myself to a certain place, I make myself sick worrying it’s going to be ripped out from under me.’

‘That’s perfectly understandable given what happened with your mother.’

Jaz lowered her gaze as she smoothed out a tiny crease in the tablecloth. ‘For years I waited for her to come back. I used to watch from the window whenever a car came up the drive. I would get all excited thinking she was coming back, that she had got herself sorted out and was coming back to take me to the new life she’d always promised me. But it never happened. I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t even know if she’s still alive.’

Jake covered her hand with the warm solidness of his. ‘You’ve made your own new life all by yourself. You didn’t need her to come back and screw it up.’

‘Not all by myself,’ Jaz said. ‘I’m not sure where I’d be if it hadn’t been for your parents.’ She waited a beat before adding, ‘Do you think you could have a look over my books some time? I’m happy to pay you.’

‘Sure, but you don’t have to pay me.’

‘I insist,’ Jaz said. ‘Your family has helped me enough. I don’t want to be seen as a charity case.’

Jake lightly buttered some toast and handed it to her. ‘One mouthful. It’ll help to settle your stomach.’

Jaz took the toast and bit, chewed and swallowed but it felt like she was swallowing a cotton ball. ‘Do you have it?’

‘Have what?’

‘Imposter syndrome?’

He smiled crookedly, as if the thought was highly amusing. ‘No.’

‘I suppose it was a silly question,’ she conceded. ‘Mr Confidence in all situations and with all people.’

A shadow passed over his features like a hand moving across a beam of light. ‘There have been times when I’ve doubted myself.’

‘Like when?’

‘At boarding school, especially in my senior year,’ he said, frowning slightly as he stirred his coffee. ‘I played the class clown card so often I lost sight of who I really was. It wasn’t until I left school and went to university that I finally found my feet and became my own person instead of being Julius’s badly behaved twin brother.’

Jaz had always seen Jake as a supremely confident person. He seemed to waltz through life with nary a care of what others thought of him. She was the total opposite. Her desperate desire to fit in had made her compromise herself more times than she cared to admit. Weren’t her three engagements proof of that? She had wanted to be normal. To belong to someone. To be wanted. ‘I guess it must be hard, being an identical twin and all,’ she said. ‘Everyone is always making comparisons between you and Julius.’

There was a small silence.

‘Yeah. We look the same but we’re not the same,’ Jake said. ‘Julius is much more grounded and focused than I am.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Jaz said. ‘You seem pretty grounded to me. You know what you want and go for it without letting anyone get in your way.’

He was frowning again as if a thought was wandering around in his head and he wasn’t quite sure where to park it. ‘But I don’t stick at stuff,’ he finally said. ‘Not for the long haul.’

‘But you’re happy living your life that way, aren’t you?’

After another moment of silence he gave her an absent smile. ‘Yeah, it works for me. Now, have a bit more toast. It’d be embarrassing if you were to faint just when it’s your chance to shine.’

* * *

Jaz did a last-minute check with the model for the gown she had prepared for the show. It was the first time any of her work would be worn by a professional model on a catwalk. The advertising she had done in the past had been still shots with models from an agency and a photographer who was a friend of a friend.

But this was different. This was her dream coming to life in front of her. Hundreds, possibly thousands or even millions, would see her design if the images went global. It would be the start of the expansion of her business she had planned since she had left design college.

Why then did she still feel like a fraud?

Because she was a fraud.

A fake.

Not because she didn’t know how to design and sew a beautiful wedding gown. But because she wasn’t in a committed relationship and the ring she was wearing on her finger was going to be handed back in two weeks’ time. She was like the blank-faced models wearing the wedding gowns. They weren’t really brides. They were acting a role.

Like she was acting a role.

She was pretending to be engaged to Jake when all she wanted was to be engaged to him for real. How had she not realised it until now? Or had she been shying away from it because it was a truth she hadn’t wanted to face?

She was in love with Jake.

Hadn’t she always been in love with him? As a child she had looked up to him as a fun older brother. He had been the playful twin, the one she could have a laugh with. Then when her female hormones had switched on she had wanted him as a woman wanted a man. But she hadn’t been a woman back then—she had been a child. He had respected that and kept his distance. Wasn’t that another reason why she loved him? He hadn’t exploited her youthful innocence. Yes, he hadn’t handled her crush with the greatest sensitivity, but at least he hadn’t taken advantage of her.

Jaz was done with acting. Done with pretending. How could she stretch this out another week or two? Jake wasn’t in love with her. Didn’t their conversation over breakfast confirm it? He was happy with the way his life was a single man. He would go back to that life as soon as their ‘engagement’ ended.

Jake said she could keep the ring but why would she do that? It was little more than a consolation prize. A parting gift. Every time she looked at it she would be reminded of what she wanted and couldn’t have. It might be enormous fun being with Jake. It might be wonderful to be his lover and feel the thrill of his desire and hers for him.

But what was she doing?

She was living a lie. That was what she was doing. Fooling people that she was in a real relationship with real hopes and dreams for the future. What future? Two weeks of fantastic, mind-blowing sex and then what? Jake would pull the plug on their relationship just like her three exes had done. She would be abandoned. Rejected. Left hanging. Alone.

Not this time. Not again.

This time she would take control. Do the right thing by herself and set the boundaries. Two weeks more of this and she would want it to be for ever. Good grief! She wanted it to be for ever now. That was how dangerous their fling had become. One night of amazing sex and she was posting the wedding invitations.

It was ridiculous.

She was ridiculous.

Jake wasn’t a ‘for ever’ type of guy. He wanted her but only for as long as it took to burn out their mutual attraction. How long would it take? He had set the limit at two weeks. Most of his relationships didn’t last two days. Why should she think she was so special? Sure they knew each other. They had a history of sorts. They would always be in each other’s lives in some way or another.

It would be best to end it now.

On her terms.

Before things got crazy. Crazier...because what was crazier than falling in love with a man just because you couldn’t have him? That was what she had done. It was pathological. She was in love with a man who didn’t—couldn’t—love her.

It was time to rewrite the script of her life. No longer would she fall for the wrong men. No longer would she settle for second best...even though there was no way she would ever describe Jake as second best. He was first best. The best. The most fabulous man she had ever known—but he wasn’t hers.

He wasn’t anyone’s.

It would break her heart to end their affair. Weird to think she’d thought her heart had been broken by her three failed engagements; none of them, even all of them put together, had made her feel anywhere near as sad as ending her fling with Jake.

It wasn’t just the sex. It was the way he made her feel as a person. He valued her. He understood her. He knew her doubts and insecurities. He had taught her to put the dark shadow of the past behind her. He protected her. He made her feel safe. He had helped her heal. His touch, his kisses, his glorious love-making, had made her fully embrace her femininity.

He had given her the gift of self-acceptance, but with that gift had come realisation. The realisation she could no longer pretend to be something she was not. She had to stop hiding behind social norms in order to feel accepted. If she never found love with a man who loved her equally, unreservedly and for ever, then she would be better off alone. Settling for anything less was settling for second best. It was compromising and self-limiting and would only bring further heartbreak in the end.

But it would be hard to be around Jake as just a friend. She would go back to being the gardener’s daughter—the little ring-in who didn’t really belong in the big house.

The girl who didn’t belong to anyone.

* * *

Jake watched from the front row beside Jaz as her design came down the catwalk. She had only just got to her seat in time to see her moment in the spotlight. The dress was amazing. He found his mind picturing her wearing it. It had a hand-sewn beaded bodice and a frothy tulle skirt that was just like a princess’s dress. The veil was set back from the model’s head and flowed out behind her like a floating cloud.

If anyone had told him a week ago he’d be sitting at a wedding expo oohing and aahing at wedding gowns he would have said they were nuts. The atmosphere was electric. The ballroom was abuzz with expectation. The music was upbeat and stirring, hardly bridal or churchy at all. The applause was thunderous when Jaz’s design was announced and continued even after the model had left the catwalk. He clapped as loudly as anyone, probably louder. ‘Told you they’d love your work,’ he said. ‘You’ll have orders coming out of your ears after this.’

She looked at him with a tremulous smile. ‘You think?’

She still doubted herself. Amazing, he thought. What would it take for her to believe she was as good if not better than any of the other designers here? He tapped her on the end of her retroussé nose. ‘Sure of it.’

Jake took her hand while the press did their interviews after the show. He was getting quite used to the role of devoted fiancé. Who said he couldn’t act? Maybe some of that Ravensdale talent hadn’t skipped a generation after all. Or maybe he was getting used to being part of a couple. There was certainly something to be said about knowing who he was going to sleep with that night—earlier, if he could wangle it. Instead of wondering how the sex would be, he knew for certain it would be fantastic. He had never had a more satisfying lover.

Jaz’s body was a constant turn-on as it brushed against his as the crowd jostled them. He drew her closer as a photographer zoomed in on them. Her cheek was against his; the fresh, flowery scent of her made his sinuses tingle. She turned her head and he swooped down and stole a kiss from her soft-as-a-pillow mouth, wishing he could get her alone right here and now.

But instead of continuing the kiss she eased back, giving him a distracted-looking smile. Her hands went back to her lap where she was gripping the programme as if she had plans to shred it.

‘You okay?’ Jake said.

Her gaze was trained on the next set of models strutting their stuff. ‘We need to talk,’ she said. ‘But not here.’

Here it comes. The talk. The talk where she would say she wanted the whole shebang: the promises of for ever, the kids, the dog and the house. The things he didn’t want. Had never wanted. Would never want. Why had he thought she would be any different? He had broken his own rules for what? For a fling that should never have started in the first place.

Might as well get it over with. Once the show was over, he took her by the elbow and led her back to their suite. Their suite. How cosy that sounded. Like they were a couple. But they weren’t a couple. A couple of idiots, if anything. They had no right to be messing around. He had no right. She was a part of his family. By getting involved with her he had jeopardised every single relationship she had with his family. Would everyone treat her differently now they knew she had been his lover? Would they look at her differently? Would he be harangued for the next decade for not doing the right thing by her and leaving her alone?

‘I know what you’re going to say,’ Jake said even before he had closed the door of the suite.

She pressed her lips together for a moment. Turned and put the programme and her bag on the bed, then turned back to him and handed him her engagement ring. ‘I think it’s best if we end things now,’ she said. ‘Before we head back to London.’

Jake stared at the ring and then at her. She wanted to end it? Now? Before the two weeks were up? That wasn’t how ‘the talk’ usually went. Didn’t she want more? Didn’t she want them to continue their affair? Wasn’t she going to cry, beg and plead with him to fall in love with her and marry her? She looked so composed, so determined, as if she had made up her mind hours ago.

‘But I thought you said two weeks?’

‘I know but I can’t do it any more, Jake,’ she said, putting the ring in the top pocket of his jacket and patting it as if for safekeeping. ‘It was fun while it lasted but I want to move on with my life.’

‘This seems rather...sudden.’

She stepped back and looked up at him with those beautiful storm, sea and mountain-lake eyes. ‘Remember when we talked at breakfast?’ she said. ‘I’ve been thinking since... I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s not right for me or for you. You’re not the settling down type and it was wrong of me to shackle you to me in this stupid game of pretend. I should’ve just accepted Myles’s break-up with dignity instead of doing this crazy charade. It will hurt too many people if we let it continue. It has to stop.’

Jake wanted it to stop. Sure he did. But not yet. Not until he was satisfied his attraction to her had burned itself out. It was nowhere near burning out. It had only just started. They’d been lovers two days. Two freaking days! That wasn’t long enough. He was only just starting to understand her. To know her. How could she want to end it? They were good together. Brilliant. The best. Why end it when they could have two more weeks, maybe even longer, of fantastic sex?

But how much longer?

The thought stood up from a sofa in the back of his mind where it had been lounging and stretched. Started walking toward his conscience...

Jake knew she was right. They had to end it some time. It was just he was usually the one to end flings. He was the one in the control seat. It felt a little weird to be on the receiving end of rejection. ‘What about Emma Madden?’ he said. ‘Aren’t you worried she might make a comeback when she hears we’ve broken up?’

‘I think Emma is sensible enough to know you’re not the right person for her. It will hurt her more if we tell even more lies.’

‘What about Bruce Parnell?’ God, how pathetic was he getting? Using his clients as a lever to get her to rethink her decision?

‘Tell him the truth,’ she said. ‘That you’re not in love with me and have no intention of marrying me or anyone.’

The truth always hurt, or so people said. But it didn’t look like it hurt Jaz. She didn’t seem to be the least bit worried he wasn’t in love with her. She hadn’t even asked him to declare his feelings, which was just as well, because they were stuffed under the cushions on that sofa in his mind and he wasn’t going looking for them any time soon.

‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘Best to end it now before my parents start sending out invitations.’

She bit her lip for a moment. ‘Will you tell them or will I?’

‘I’ll tell them I pulled the plug,’ Jake said. ‘That’s what they’ll think in any case.’

Her forehead puckered in a frown. ‘But I don’t want them to be angry with you or anything. I can say I got cold feet.’

‘Leave it to me. Do you still want me to have a look over your business?’

‘You wouldn’t mind?’

‘Why would I?’ he said with a smile that was harder work than it had any right to be. ‘We’re friends, aren’t we?’

Her smile was a little on the wobbly side but he could see relief in every nuance of her expression. ‘Yes. Of course we are.’

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask for one more night but before he could get the words out she had turned and started packing her things. He watched her fold her clothes and pack them neatly into her bag. Every trace of her was being removed from the suite.

‘I’m getting a lift back to London with one of the photographers,’ she said once she was done. ‘I thought it would be easier all round.’

‘Is the photographer male?’ The question jumped out before Jake could stop it and it had the big, green-eyed monster written all over it.

His question dangled in the silence for a long beat.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But I’ve known him for years.’

Jaz had known him for years and look what had happened, Jake thought with a sickening churning in his gut.

She stepped up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. ‘Goodbye, Jake. See you at Julius’s wedding.’

Wedding.

Jake clenched his jaw as the door closed on her exit. That word should be damned well banned.