Читать книгу Santiago's Love-Child - Ким Лоренс, Kim Lawrence - Страница 8

I’M NOT thinking about him, but I should be.

Sucking in a mortified breath, Lily snatched her hand away. His question hadn’t just spoiled the mood, it had killed it stone-dead. And a good thing too, she told herself. Her marriage might be a total sham, but she was still married, and in Lily’s mind, despite yesterday’s reckless thoughts of revenge, Gordon’s repeated infidelities didn’t give her a licence to do the same.

If she had stopped to think about it, which she hadn’t, she would have assumed that Santiago hadn’t cottoned on to the fact she was married.

Easy to see how that could happen. She’d been partnerless when he’d seen her, and, unlike women, most men didn’t seem to notice things like a wedding band.

It now seemed that he had known she was married all along, and the fact nothing in his manner suggested he had a problem with it made Lily feel totally disgusted.

Not that she was in any position to condemn him. She hadn’t exactly run screaming for the hills, had she?

‘You shouldn’t feel bad.’

Bad! She deserved to feel wretched. ‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand,’ she choked contemptuously. Obviously he wouldn’t recognise a moral if someone gave it to him gift-wrapped.

A really stomach-churning possibility occurred to her. Had he zeroed in on her because she was married? Lily knew there were some men out there, generally commitment phobics, who targeted married women because they didn’t want things to get serious. A married woman had clear advantages for that type of sleaze bag.

‘I do understand, and what you are feeling is natural,’ he soothed.

The compassion in his manner increased Lily’s growing anger.

‘Done this sort of thing a lot, have you?’ She caught her lower lip between her teeth and turned her head away. Angrily she shrugged off the hand that he put lightly on her arm.

‘I have handled this badly,’ she heard him observe heavily.

Lily’s chin lifted. ‘So sorry things didn’t turn out the way you planned,’ she retorted bitterly.

Santiago studied her face before gravely observing, ‘It is natural to feel a degree of guilt, a sense that you are being unfaithful—’ Lily goggled incredulously at him; this man had to be the most insensitive ‘—to your husband’s memory. I respect you for the way you feel, I really do. In an age when so many place very little value on their marriage vows, your devotion is admirable.’

There was a short time delay before her brain computed what he had said and arrived at the unlikely conclusion—somehow he had the bizarre idea that she was widowed.

Oh, Lord! It should be fun explaining to someone who thought she was a faithful, devoted, grieving widow that her husband was alive and well, and her devotion was the sort that vanished at the first sniff of temptation.

‘But you are alive, querida, and you are a passionate beautiful woman, with your life ahead of you.’ He took her face between his hands. ‘I’m sure your husband would have wanted you to be happy. And though I’m sure you won’t believe me, one day,’ he prophesied confidently, ‘you will love again. And until then…’

‘Until then…?’

His hands fell away. ‘Until then you have needs…appetites…’

‘That’s where you come in?’ Why was she feeling so let down? He was hardly going to tell her that he wanted anything other than to take her to bed. At least he was honest.

‘You’re not going to deny the attraction between us exists.’

Lily shook her head and wondered what he’d say if she admitted she had never felt anything that even came close to this before.

‘Do not let being hurt once make you afraid to live.’

‘I’m not,’ she said, and realised that for the first time in a long time—perhaps ever—this was true. She took a deep breath; it was time to put him straight. ‘As for Gordon, you’ve got that all wrong. I’m actually totally furious with him.’

‘I believe it is not uncommon to feel angry with a loved one who dies. You blame them for leaving you.’

Eyes closed, Lily gave a frustrated sigh and let her head fall back. I tried, I really tried, and what do I get? Understanding and amateur psychology!

‘No, my husband isn’t—’

A nerve clenched in Santiago’s lean cheek as he cut across her. ‘We keep those we love in our hearts, but there comes a time when we must let go.’

Lily, who would have preferred to put Gordon in a damp, dark, rat-filled cellar, not her heart, stared up at him, her eyes scrunched up in concentration as she tried to figure out how on earth he could have got the idea she was a widow.

‘What made you think that my husband is dead?’

‘Everyone knows.’

‘People know?’ Oh, heavens, that explained some of the sympathetic looks she’d been getting. They all had her down as a brave, plucky widow on some sort of romantic pilgrimage!

And here was me thinking how lovely and friendly everyone was.

He nodded. ‘I know hotels are meant to be anonymous, but a woman alone in the honeymoon suite is a subject of conjecture. The staff knew the booking was made by your husband, so obviously when you turned up without him they speculated.’

‘You’d think they’d have something better to do,’ she snapped.

‘And then you told Javier…’

‘I didn’t tell Javier anything; I don’t know any Javier.’ She stopped. ‘Oh, no!’ Her questioning eyes flew to his face. ‘Do you mean the boy at Reception…?’

‘The “boy” has a three-year-old son, but, yes, he works Reception sometimes. He’s actually a trainee manager.’

Lily wasn’t really listening to his explanation; she was recalling arriving back from Baeza and going to pick up her room key. The details, due to the after-effects of the wine, were a bit hazy, but she could remember the chap behind Reception looking embarrassed when tears sprang to her eyes after he asked when her husband would be joining her.

‘He won’t be joining me.’ The realisation hit her. He never intended to. ‘He’s gone. He’s really gone for good.’

Lily absently massaged the tight skin around her temples. One problem solved—she now knew the why. She only had now to figure out how to tell him her husband was alive and well and therefore she was not available.

‘Have breakfast with me?’

‘What?’

‘Breakfast. Not here, if that’s what’s bothering you. I know a place about half an hour’s drive away. You need a four-wheel drive to get there,’ he admitted, ‘but, believe me, it is worth it. The setting is superb,’ he enthused. ‘The food is not fancy, but it’s made with fresh local produce and beautifully cooked. Luis has a huge wood-burning oven outside and you can eat alfresco.’

He seemed to take her silence as assent, because he said, ‘I’ll see you outside in, what…twenty minutes…?’ He smiled at her and then dived cleanly into the water.

‘You’re allowed to be upset, you know.’

‘What…?’ It took several seconds for Lily to drag her wandering thoughts back to the present and away from the man who had ultimately told her to go to hell.

Well, he got his wish.

Though, of course, she was post-hell now. She’d come out the other side, but would things ever get back to normal? She sometimes wondered if this was normal for her now; maybe she would carry this awful empty feeling around with her for ever…?

‘I said you’re allowed to be upset.’

A frown formed on Rachel’s crease-free forehead. ‘Are you coming down with something? You look awfully flushed.’

‘No, I’m fine,’ Lily lied. ‘It’s just warmed up this afternoon—’ she gestured towards the sun shining through the open window ‘—and this sweater is a bit—’

‘Of a disaster,’ Rachel completed. ‘I don’t mean to be brutal, but this bag-lady look doesn’t do you any favours, love.’

‘This is casual.’

‘No,’ Rachel denied brutally, ‘it is absolutely awful. Perhaps if you made a bit of an effort you might feel a bit better? If I’m down I buy a pair of shoes…’

‘Retail therapy isn’t the answer to everything.’

‘I didn’t mean to be terminally shallow,’ Rachel, who had flushed, retorted.

‘Of course you’re not shallow,’ Lily soothed, guilty for being snappy.

‘I do actually know a new pair of shoes isn’t going to fix everything, but it…Dear God, Lily, if you don’t have the right to fall apart after what has happened to you, who does? I tell you, if I’d been through what you have, losing the baby and Gordon, the total scumbag running off with that little—’

Lily did not want to talk about Gordon or his girlfriend, or the baby…especially the baby. ‘Am I falling apart?’

‘Ever so slightly maybe…Don’t you hate Gordon?’ Rachel turned her curious gaze on her friend. ‘If it was me I’d want to—’

‘Maybe I could do with a trim,’ Lily interrupted, running a hand lightly over her hair.

‘And a new pair of shoes?’

Lily grinned. ‘Don’t push it, Rachel.’ Her grin faded and she hesitantly added, ‘About Gordon—you know, he’s really not the bad guy in this.’

Rachel looked ready to explode. ‘Not the bad guy!’

‘And Olivia isn’t little.’ An image of the athletic redheaded figure of the sports psychologist her ex-husband planned to marry now their divorce was finalised flashed into her head.

‘She’s six feet in her bare feet and it was hardly a shock when Gordon asked for a divorce.’

Gordon had met her at the airport at the end of her Spanish holiday and Lily, who had been consumed with guilt and more miserable than she had thought possible, had not noticed at first that her husband had been acting oddly. She’d totally forgotten that he had a lot of explaining to do, because so had she.

He had waited until they’d got in the car to admit to her that it hadn’t been work that had stopped him joining her, but another woman.

Lily hadn’t bothered pretending to be shocked.

‘She’s called Olivia and she’s…well, the thing is, Lily, I want to be with her. I think we should get a divorce.’

‘All right.’

Gordon, who had obviously been geared up for a big scene, was gobsmacked by her reaction and slightly suspicious.

‘And you don’t have a problem with that?’

She shook her head listlessly.

‘Don’t you want to know…’ he flushed ‘…how long…?’

‘If you want to tell me.’

‘You do understand what I’m saying, Lily?’ He spoke slowly as though he were talking to a child. ‘This isn’t a fling.’

‘Not this time.’

Gordon flushed, and looked defensive. ‘Well, if you had been more…’ He stopped and made a visible effort to control himself.

She decided to move this along a bit. ‘Will there be any fallout…career-wise?’

‘I resigned.’

‘What about the promotion?’ The promotion that was all he’d been able to talk about all year.

A hint of defiance crept into her husband’s voice. ‘I realised that the civil service was stifling me. I need a change of direction.’

‘When did you decide this?’

‘I resigned two months ago.’

‘Should I ask what you’ve been doing every morning when you went off to work…and on those business trips…?’

‘Olivia and I are setting up a sports training facility in Cyprus.’

‘That’s different.’ She didn’t have to pretend total lack of interest.

‘Hell, I didn’t mean for it to happen, Lily, but you have to admit we’re not…but I don’t expect you to understand! The moment I saw her…’ he began in a low, impassioned voice.

Lily gazed through the car window not seeing the traffic streaming past. ‘Maybe I do understand.’

Gordon didn’t say so, but she could see he didn’t believe her. For a split second she was tempted to tell him that she had met someone too, and she now knew just how empty their marriage had been. She now knew that love could make a person buy very naughty underwear, and forget every principle she’d been brought up to believe in.

But there was no point. This was Gordon, who had once said comfortingly, ‘Of course you’re not frigid, you’re just not a very physical person. Don’t worry about it; not everyone is.’

The fact was Gordon thought she was a white-cotton girl. Santiago had made her feel and act like naughty black lace.

Rachel made a scornful sound in her throat. ‘Sure it wasn’t a shock—you expected your husband to leave you for his bit on the side when you were pregnant.’

Lily pushed her brown hair, which, without its normal monthly trim, had got long and uncontrollable, behind her ears. Maybe it is time to set the record straight?

‘It’s true.’ A light flush appeared along the smooth contours of her pale cheeks as she experienced an emotion close to relief as she admitted, ‘I really wasn’t surprised. Our marriage had been dead and buried for a long time before Olivia came along.’

Rachel’s jaw dropped, but almost immediately she began to shake her head. ‘I don’t believe it. You two were the couple everyone I know wanted to be.’

Lily looked away. That had been the irony, of course; they had appeared the perfect couple in public. ‘It’s true,’ she said.

‘Nobody’s that good at pretending,’ Rachel rebutted. ‘I don’t how many times I told people that you two proved marriage could work. I mean, you were practically childhood sweethearts.’

Lily ran her tongue over her lips…When did I last wear lipstick? When did I last wear make-up…? Rachel was right—it was time she entered the human race again. ‘In public, yes.’

There was silence before Rachel sank weakly into the nearest chair. ‘So you and Gordon weren’t happy? Seriously…?’

‘I wasn’t unhappy.’

Rachel folded her long legs underneath her and sighed. ‘I don’t mind telling you, you’ve really thrown me, Lily.’ Lily lifted her head. ‘I never had the slightest hint that things were that bad…or bad at all, for that matter. Why didn’t you ever say anything?’

Lily’s wide mouth twisted into a bitter smile. ‘You make your bed and lie in it—that’s what Gran would have said.’

‘I’m not your gran, and I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but she really was one cold—’

‘Leave it, Rachel,’ Lily begged.

Rachel acceded with a shrug. ‘If you were unhappy, why did you stay, Lily?’

‘I thought we might sort things…’ Lily stopped and shook her head. ‘It’s a question I’ve asked myself a million times. The truth is I don’t know why I stayed. Maybe I was lazy, or simply scared of change? Maybe I didn’t want to admit I had made a mistake? Perhaps,’ she speculated dully, ‘a bit of all three.’

‘But I never heard you exchange a cross word.’ A still-sceptical Rachel gave a mystified frown.

‘There were cross words,’ Lily admitted, recalling the constant sniping and recriminations. ‘But we were past that. The fact is, I think we were both too apathetic to argue by the end.’

‘That’s so sad.’

Lily, whose own throat closed over with emotion, could only silently echo the sentiment. ‘I suppose we were a classic case of two people who grew apart, not together.’

A stunned Rachel exhaled a gusty sigh and shook her head, visibly struggling to come to terms with these calmly voiced revelations.

‘I knew straight off that Olivia wasn’t like the others.’

It wasn’t until the designer bag Rachel had been reaching into to switch off her phone dropped from her nerveless fingers, the contents spilling unheeded over the floor, that Lily realised that she had voiced her thought out loud.

‘“The others…!” Gordon had affairs?’

Lily met her friend’s dazed eyes and admitted awkwardly, ‘Two that I know of. There might have been more,’ she added in an abstracted voice. Almost certainly were.

Rachel released a hoarse laugh. ‘I don’t believe any of this!’ She shook her head as if to focus her thoughts. ‘And you knew…?’

Lily nodded.

‘Did you care?’

The flash of her blue eyes lent animation to Lily’s pale face. ‘Of course I damned well cared!’ It had been deeply humiliating, but Gordon had always been filled with remorse afterwards…They mean nothing to me, Lily.

Rachel grimaced. ‘Sorry. I still can’t believe that you never said a word.’ Rachel shook her head in disbelief. ‘I’m your best friend.’

Lily’s hands lifted in a fluttery, helpless gesture. ‘It felt disloyal to talk about it and Gordon begged me not to tell anyone. Can you imagine what Gran would have said if she’d found out, and after she had loaned him the money for that car…?’ She stopped and angled a questioning glance at her best friend. ‘I suppose this sounds big-time weird to you?’

Rachel didn’t deny it. ‘And then some!’

‘And you think I’m totally pathetic?’

‘Well, it’s not as if there were children and—’ She broke off, a stricken look of horror written on her fair-skinned face. She leapt out of the chair and perched herself on the arm of the chair the other girl occupied. ‘Oh, Lily, I’m so, so sorry.’

Lily shook her head and smiled reassuringly. ‘No, you’re right, there weren’t.’

‘But you couldn’t have completely given up the marriage; you tried for a baby?’

Lily fixed her cornflower-blue eyes on her friend’s face and shook her head. ‘No, we didn’t.’

‘So it was an accident.’ Something that Rachel couldn’t identify flickered at the back of Lily’s eyes. ‘I’m not saying you weren’t pleased,’ she amended hastily. Nobody who had seen Lily in those early months could have failed to see she was delighted at the prospect of becoming a mother.

‘It’s the happiest I’ve ever been,’ Lily admitted.

‘Well, I don’t care what you say, I think he’s a total bastard to leave you when you were pregnant.’

‘I hadn’t slept with Gordon for almost a year before I got pregnant.’