Читать книгу Step Out of Your Story - Kim Schneiderman - Страница 8
ОглавлениеWe tell ourselves stories in order to live…. We interpret what we see, select the most workable of the multiple choices. We live entirely…by the imposition of a narrative line upon disparate images, by the “ideas” with which we have learned to freeze the shifting phantasmagoria — which is our actual experience.
— Joan Didion, The White Album
Sometimes the story of your life reads like a comedy; other times, like a tragedy. But if you read the text through the proper lens, you can always read your story as a personal growth adventure.
This book is built around a series of structured writing exercises designed to help you reimagine yourself as the hero of your unfolding story with the power to reclaim your personal narrative through choice and voice.
As a psychotherapist, former journalist, and consummate seeker, I offer you a framework, tools, and insights gleaned from both sides of the therapy couch. My aim is to help you respond to all the moving pieces in your life so that they conspire to help grow the best possible version of yourself — I want to help you to play your best role, so to speak, in the story of your life, your family, your society, and perhaps even the world.
To do this, I will guide you in applying classic storytelling elements to your own life, using the third-person narrative to elevate your perspective. This is not just a gimmick; rather, it’s a therapeutic technique inspired by a growing body of research that shows that viewing your life as an objective observer can help you see yourself through gentler, more compassionate eyes. It is also aligned with narrative therapy techniques that put emotional distance between people and their storylines so they don’t overidentify with their problems.
My book doesn’t follow any single ideology. Rather, it is a carefully constructed stew of ideas, consisting of several parts psychology; a few heaping tablespoons of Buddhism, Kabbalah, and Mussar (a nineteenth-century Jewish character development program); a dash of very basic literary theory; and a sprinkle of imagination sifted through my life-long fascination with human potential.
This method presumes that a) telling our story is a fundamental way that we come to know ourselves and make meaning of our lives; and b) how we “read,” or rather interpret, our story affects how we feel about ourselves, which can influence how our lives unfold. For example, if we tell the story of a cancer diagnosis as a tale of finding new sources of resilience and deeper connections with loved ones, this feels very different from telling the story as one of divine punishment or meaningless misery. In concrete terms, a positive narrative can influence prognosis, as study after study shows that positive emotions are good for our health and affect medical outcomes.1 Similarly, seeing a failed relationship as a lesson in intimacy, resilience, and humility will make us feel a whole lot better than shaping the story as one of self-sabotage and personal worthlessness.
In order to find the redemptive narrative, we first need to understand the transformational power of storytelling, be willing to wrestle with the scripts running our lives, and step out of our stories through the third-person voice so we can identify the places we get stuck. While it’s true that we can’t control everything that happens to us — in this way, we are not the sole authors of our stories — we can take charge of our story’s narration, actively mining experiences for positive meaning. This power of interpretation is the heart of your personal power as coauthor of your story and the key to making meaningful improvements to your character.
An essential part of reframing your narrative with this particular lens is to redefine success. As you craft your story, I will ask you to recognize the subtle, often unrecognized personal victories that build character — such as facing a fear, changing an attitude, or kicking a bad habit. This is not necessarily how society traditionally measures success. When was the last time you bumped into a friend who announced, “Great news! Yesterday, I conquered my need for my boss’s approval, and today I didn’t scream at my son when he accidentally spilled milk all over the floor!”
These aren’t the usual “happy endings” we crave. And that’s okay. Sometimes, what we think will make us feel happy and successful — a six-figure income or a trophy spouse — doesn’t necessarily bring us the same level of inner peace or satisfaction that we experience when we break old problematic behavior patterns and change in positive ways we never imagined possible. For psychotherapists and writers, these kinds of changes mark meaningful progress in someone’s lifelong development, whether that person is a client or an imagined character.
“Character development” is why I became a psychotherapist. It is also one of the reasons I go to the movies or pick up a book — I want to witness personal transformation and be transformed in the process. It is also the reason I wrote this book — to offer a new method for personal transformation by embracing one’s destiny as an ever-evolving protagonist.
So shamelessly dive into the wonder of your own character, knowing that the treasures revealed will not only deeply enrich your life but also the stories of others whose lives you touch. As you weave seemingly fragmented pieces of your life into a coherent and meaningful new narrative, my hope and wish is that you will discover how character development is the heart of any story worth reading — and worth living.
What This Process Is and Is Not
This is not a book about writing your memoir. In fact, it’s not about writing at all. Whether you can turn a nice phrase, or use punctuation properly, has no bearing on the nectar that can be extracted from this process.
Rather, this book is about deconstructing and reconstructing your personal narrative using a very specific type of architecture — the elements of a story. While there is no particular right or wrong way to do this, there is a best way.
For starters, I suggest you use this book to more deeply understand, work through, and of course positively reframe your experience of your life’s current chapter, especially if you are feeling stuck in old, unhelpful storylines. I emphasize the present moment because now is the optimal time to change your story, but also, applying this framework to your whole life is an enormous undertaking. That said, at the end of the book, I invite you to do so if you wish.
However, I think you will reap the greatest benefit from the exercises if you try to write only a single “chapter” of your life, one that, like a typical book chapter, restricts itself to a discrete, limited stretch of time — typically several months to at most a year.
As you identify that period, you will reconstruct your story, element by element, eventually reassembling all these pieces into an empowering new narrative about where you are now and where you’re heading.
How This Book Is Constructed
The book follows the classic story arc (as illustrated here and explained in chapter 1), which is designed to give you a sense of being walked through the natural progression of your story. Each step will provide you with a new piece of scaffolding for your story remodeling, with each element building on the one that preceded it. Here’s how the process flows:
EXPOSITION: Chapters 1 through 7 introduce the basic concepts of this method and invite you to explore who you are as the hero or heroine of your own narrative. You will:
• learn how “the story lens on life” or “novel perspective” can help you reclaim and reframe your personal narrative;
• see how writing about yourself in the third-person narrative can free you from your inner critic, helping you to see your storyline through gentler, more compassionate eyes;
• discover what it means to be the hero or heroine of your own story;
• identify your character arc through a common author technique known as the “character sketch”;
• look at the roles and scripts that get in the way of playing your character to the best of your ability;
• name and describe the current chapter of your life;
• look at how the ways in which you spin your story are working for and against you; and
• distinguish the objective outer story from the subjective internal story.
CONFLICT: Once you’ve gotten better acquainted with your story’s protagonist, chapters 8 through 11 harness this knowledge to help you identify personal growth opportunities in the current chapter of your life. You will:
• discover how the conflict for your narrative is really a character development workout;
• identify the primary antagonist in the current chapter of your story;
• redefine your antagonist as a personal trainer, pushing you (the protagonist) to strengthen and tone underdeveloped emotional muscles;
• craft illuminating dialogues between you and your vulnerabilities and growing edges; and
• take stock of all the positive forces assisting you in rising to the challenges presented by your antagonist.
CLIMAX: After marshaling your collective strengths and resources, you’re ready for the pinnacle of your story in chapter 12 where you will:
• envision your ideal climax and consider what you can do to make it happen;
• write a constructive dialogue with your antagonist; and
• give yourself the blessing you seek.
RESOLUTION: Having reached the climax, in chapters 12 and 13 you’ll have a chance to find the redemptive, silver-lining narrative as you:
• reflect on what closure means to you;
• envision a resolution that leaves you feeling inspired.
• identify salient morals and themes that give your story meaning; and
• celebrate the obstacles you’ve overcome, what you have learned, and how much you’ve grown.
As you near the end of your journey with story, chapters 15 through 17 offer a wide-angle lens on your narrative, which you will put together into a new story. You will do the following:
• write an epilogue in which you begin to envision the next chapter of your story;
• reassemble all the story building blocks into a new and improved personal narrative about the current chapter of your life; and
• if you wish, use the story structure to explore your larger life narrative and begin to come to terms with unresolved chapters.
Some Advice Before You Start
As I say, I’ve found there is a “best” or most fruitful approach to writing your story in this context. As you begin, keep these things in mind:
Complete the Exercises in Order
As a recovering self-help junkie and habitual flouter of convention, I understand the temptation to skip around, completing perhaps only those exercises that speak to you in the moment. However, because this book is designed as a progressive series of exercises that follows the arc of a story, I strongly encourage you to complete the exercises in order. With each exercise, you will acquire tools and insights that will assist you in completing subsequent exercises.
That’s not to say that you can’t complete the exercises out of sequence and be successful. Certainly, depending on how long you take to complete this process, the circumstances of your “chapter” may shift, requiring adjustments and revisions. However, if you don’t take too many breaks along the way, and if you define your chapter broadly enough, you should find that the basic elements — for example, the antagonist, the supporting characters, and the protagonist’s growing edges — remain relevant. If you do happen to stop partway through and pick up the book again after a long lag (say, over a year), I would recommend going back to near the beginning, either to the character sketch in chapter 2 or the plot summary in chapter 6.
Once you get the hang of the method, however, feel free to use this process more than once, perhaps skipping around to your favorite exercises or to those that you think will help provide needed insight into a given situation.
Use the Same Notebook for All Exercises
I also recommend using one journal, or one computer or laptop, to complete the exercises. Some chapters refer to previous exercises, and you will want all your work at your fingertips. If you’re like me, and you tend to use multiple notebooks, you may forget which one contains those inspired, middle-of-the-night epiphanies about your life purpose, and you may find yourself variously frustrated at different junctures. For example, chapter 7 asks you to identify the antagonist in the chapter 6 plot summary exercise, and you want to be able to turn to that plot summary immediately. Of course, you could write another summary, but consistency is preferred.
Write in the Third Person Unless Otherwise Directed
With a few noted exceptions (mainly for dialogues and at the very end), almost all the writing exercises are framed in the third-person voice. If you think, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that. That’s not how I normally write, and I’m not even sure I’ll like it,” try it anyway. Whenever I announce in my workshops that we will be spending an afternoon writing in the third person, participants often give me strange, worried looks. But 9.5 times out of 10, they end up surprised by how much freer they feel to explore their stories from fresh angles and perspectives. Think of it this way: The first time you send a text message, typing with your thumbs seems counterintuitive, but eventually it becomes almost second nature. Similarly, writing in the third person may feel unnatural at first. But do it once or twice and you’ll get the hang of it and really enjoy it.
Don’t Worry about Writing Well
As I say, your masterpiece of living does not have to be, and isn’t meant to be, a masterpiece of writing. While I encourage word play from time to time, crafting crisp, clean sentences is not the point of the exercises. In this case, writing is meant to serve as a tool for self-discovery, not self-torture or eventual publication. That said, several people have found that the third-person format and story arc structure is a useful springboard for writing their memoir. I’m happy if this process helps you in that way — more power to you — but once again, it’s not the point.
If you find yourself obsessing about the right wording, or worrying about how things read or might sound to others, I invite you to stop, take a deep breath, and think about what your seven-year-old self would write. In my experience facilitating workshops, I’ve noticed that the written equivalent of stick-figure drawings may actually teach us more about ourselves than carefully crafted (and controlled) adult sentences. The goal is not writing well; the goal is self-discovery. The goal is to write powerfully and authentically.
Even though I have provided you with a solid framework from which to explore your story, creativity is not linear. If you get stuck, try using images and metaphors (mixed metaphors are fine; don’t fuss over them) to help you move on. When appropriate, you might answer questions in a list format instead of writing a narrative.
I also provide several writing examples to illustrate how to do the exercises. Students have told me they find the examples tremendously helpful, so please refer to them if you’re unclear about instructions. I also use the Wizard of Oz and other pop culture references to illustrate how some of my concepts show up in recognizable stories.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
How do you begin this journey of personal transformation? One step at a time, and knowing that the journey itself holds the answers that you seek. As Dorothy learns, there is no Great and Powerful Oz who can whisk you away in a magic balloon and deliver you effortlessly to a happy ending. Instead, like Glinda the Good Witch, I offer you tools that will help you step out of your story, reclaim the power of your own voice, and find your way home by exercising your innate ability to be the master of your own magnificent work in progress. I also invite you to step into your power as a storyteller and spin doctor, fortified with the conviction that personal transformation is both literally and figuratively at your fingertips. All you need is a pen (or a keyboard) and a sense of adventure. So put on your story glasses, shift your perspective, and enjoy the journey!
