Читать книгу Big Spankable Asses - Kimberly Kaye Terry - Страница 9

The walk home after she’d exited the bus was only two blocks and Lilly felt safe in the upper-end neighborhood walking in the light dusk of early evening. She counted herself blessed that she’d secured the cottage that she lived in and knew that she owed Melinda a serious debt of gratitude for finding the affordable little house for her.

As Lilliana walked the small distance she had time to think back on her very…enlightening…conversation with Lee and laughed.

When Lilliana had placed the ad, she hadn’t given it as much thought as she obviously should have. What in the world had Simone been thinking when she told them all to ask a man to figure out the acronym for Big Spankable Ass in an ad? Hmmm. Maybe Simone was doing some freaky shit herself on the down low, Lilliana thought.

She reached her small home, opened the door and walked inside. Once in, Lilliana let out a deep breath, kicked off her shoes, and tossed her bag on the chintz-covered sofa that she’d carefully reupholstered and glanced around.

The cottage wasn’t large, but it was perfect for her. The living area was large and airy and opened up into a sizable bedroom. She’d separated the two rooms with large bamboo screens that she’d found at a flea market, and set side by side. She loved the ambiance she’d created throughout with her other unique finds.

She and her girls, Simone and Melinda, had spent a weekend sanding and refinishing her tables and whatnot stands, despite the occasional good-natured grumbles, usually from Simone, about messing up manicures and causing calluses. They’d helped her to make the cottage feel like home. The only things not donated or bought used were her mattress and her laptop.

With a happy sigh, she padded barefoot to the kitchen to search for something to eat. She opened the refrigerator and took out the pan of enchiladas she’d made two nights ago and popped them into the microwave and set the timer.

As she waited for them to heat, she checked her voicemail and laughed as Simone’s voice came on, complaining about one of her employees, whose behind she was about to kick to the curb if she came in one more time smelling like weed and fried chicken.

The microwave dinged and she took out her dinner and blew on it as she walked though to her bedroom, where she had her laptop connected to the Internet sitting on the small desk in the corner of the room.

She sat down, placed the plate of food near the keyboard and logged on, then reached out to pick up the remote control to her small stereo system and hit the play button. The crooning, NuSoul sound of India. Aire came wafting out of the speakers.

Lilliana bounced her butt in her seat and sang off-key along with the singer as she listened to the music and waited. She wished she could afford to get the high speed connection the cable company offered, but she’d have to wait until her money wasn’t so funny before she could afford to do that.

“Let’s see what’s going on in the world,” she mumbled out loud as her home page filled the screen.

She read the headlines until she noticed the small envelope icon in the corner that notified her that she had e-mail. She clicked on it and saw a handful of e-mails that had come in response to the ad and felt nervous excitement pool in her gut. She’d created a second e-mail name, solely for the ad, that would redirect to her main e-mail address.

She clicked on the first e-mail from mrbiggs@biggiesworld. com. What the…?

Lilliana was almost scared to see what Mr. Biggs’ answer would be. Any man that had to tell you he was Mr. Biggs, she’d lay odds he wasn’t all that big in the places he wanted you to think he was.

Hey girl, I like what I read and I think I got just the answer for YOU! First let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Tyrese Bigelow, but they call me Mr. Biggs for short, and I bet you can guess why! But don’t let the name fool you. Just because I’m big don’t mean I don’t know how to be gentle. I’ll treat you right, baby girl! So let’s just cut to the chase. You say you’re a BF (black female) in the ad, so I’m guessing that B.S.A. stands for Black Smelly Ass! But girl, if I’m wrong I won’t tell nobody if you don’t. Wink! Hit me up at 555-1920 and we can discuss what you want me to do with that Black Sexy Smelly Ass of yours! I can smell it from here…girl, you’re ripe for me, you’re ripe!

By the time Lilliana read the last line she was laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair. “Oh no, the hell he didn’t! Oh my God. Black Smelly Ass and I’m ripe for him?” But hell, it wasn’t any worse than what she, Melinda and Simone had come up with! Lord have mercy.

Okay, one down, two more to go. She opened the next e-mail. This one sounded halfway normal. At least he had a nice screen name, she thought—until she opened up the e-mail and got seriously confused reading the message.

Hello, Ma’am. My name is Clarence John, but my friends call me C.J. I’m hoping that you and I can become friends!

“Ooh, isn’t that nice?” Lilliana carefully bit into her enchilada and continued to read.

The minute I read your ad in the personal, I knew I had to answer! I, too, am a Boy Scout of America and was thrilled when I saw this ad!

What the…

Now, I’m not sure what you want me to do, but ma’am, I’m up for the challenge. The Scout’s motto is to be prepared at all times for all things! I’ve been a member of the Scouts for over thirty years and I’ve lived this motto for just as long!

“Okaaay…”

I’ve got some nice new rope and know just how to use it! My last one got really frayed with my ex-girlfriend. If only she’d just sat still! Anyway, recently, as a senior scout leader, I’ve learned a variety of new knots that I’d love to try on you guaranteed that you wouldn’t be able to escape from! I also have some really good, secure hand and mouth restraints, ball gag, the works, that I’d love to put on you!

“Oh no the hell you won’t, you damn freak.” Lilliana deleted the message so fast she almost hurt herself. “I don’t know if I should laugh or call the damn cops on his strange behind!” When she saw that there was one more message she almost deleted it without looking at it. “Oh, well, it’ll be good for a laugh anyway…or a good long cry.”

This one had a normal e-mail address so that was one point in his favor. She reluctantly opened the e-mail, almost afraid to read what this one had to say.

Hello, Miss. I’m not quite sure how to start this. In fact I have to admit that I feel a little silly.

Lilliana chewed her food thoughtfully, swallowed and continued reading.

To be honest, I wouldn’t have ever come across this ad had it not been by pure chance. But since I’m a man who believes in chance and destiny and star-crossed lovers…

Lilliana laughed out loud at that part.

That was the part that you were supposed to laugh at, ha ha.

She laughed again.

I knew I had to answer the ad. I’m a normal guy. At least my mother says I am. I’m six foot, two and a half inches. (I claim the half inch because I have three older brothers who beat the crap out of me growing up and the half inch gave me the edge a few times.) I have a pretty good job doing what I like to do, make money.

Hmmm, nothing wrong with that!

I like to read, like to collect miniatures…oh hell. I probably shouldn’t have written that. Now you probably think I’m gay, huh? Strike that. I collect fifties sitcom memorabilia…Damn! That was the wrong answer too, I can feel you laughing!

Lilliana was laughing so hard, her side hurt.

I work out and go to all sporting events, particularly world wrestling matches, like to go boating and fishing, among other manly pursuits—how about that? Is that better?

“Loads!” Lilliana said out loud and laughed when she read the next line.

Yeah, I thought so too! As I was saying…I found your ad purely by accident and was intrigued. I would love to meet you. But according to your ad, I have to figure out what BSA stands for, right?

Heck, even if he guessed wrong, at this point Lilliana was willing to overlook that part, this one sounded like a winner. She was left with her mouth wide open as she finished reading the e-mail.

At first I thought…hmmm? What could it be? Bright Shiny Apples? Then I thought that didn’t make any sense! Okay how about Big Sweet Apples? No? What about Bodacious Succulent Apples? Oh hell. Why did I try and figure this out on an empty stomach? Well, let me go out on a limb here…Big Spankable Ass? If any of the answers are correct call me. My phone number is 555-0860. But even if I’m wrong, call me. Please:)

~Josh

Oh my. He’d answered right. Lilliana had been so busy cracking up at his apple answers that she was totally left speechless when she read the right answer. How in the world did he guess? Her lunchtime conversation with Lee surfaced in her mind and she remembered him saying how many folks were into spankings in Chicago! Was this Josh one of them? How else would he have come up with big spankable ass?

She logged off the ’net but not before she’d jotted down his phone number. She quickly went to her side table, picked up the cordless phone, and punched in his phone number, not wanting to give herself time to think and chicken out. Yes, he’d find out her number if he had caller ID, but nothing else, no address or anything like that. She couldn’t be found in the reverse directory. As the phone rang, the nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach increased to the point that she felt physically sick and was tempted to hang the phone up and forget the whole thing until she heard a deep voice answer.

“Hello, this is Josh. I’m not in at the moment. Leave a message. Thanks!”

She almost laughed out loud in relief. Okay, so it wasn’t meant to be. No way was she going to leave a message. She hung up the phone. The sick feeling in her stomach receded as she lay back against the pillows on her bed.

She turned and curled around the soft body pillow and looked out the large window in her bedroom. What in the world had convinced her to take out that ad in the first place? Loneliness and stupidity were an ugly combination.

She stared out the window, at the pretty lit-up garden in the backyard of the mansion that the cottage belonged to. A lone tear escaped and fell down her cheek. Lilliana smiled a small half-smile and closed her eyes and eventually fell asleep.