Читать книгу Leaving the OCD Circus - Kirsten Pagacz - Страница 27

In the animal kingdom, especially with dogs, a fixation is an indication of an unbalanced mind and an unbalanced mind is a sign of weakness. Dogs attack weakness if they sense weakness.

—CESAR MILLAN, THE DOG WHISPERER

For a very brief time I went out with another popular boy in my high school. This guy, I really fell for. His aloof attitude, shiny jet-black Elvis hair and overall good looks made me feel like I needed to work even harder for his approval. Well, he lost interest in me, and I got dumped. He moved on quickly and easily. Of course, girls tend to obsess about these things more than boys do, but I absolutely could not move on. I became stuck in the thick tar of rejection. This boy not wanting me was an indisputable sign of my imperfection, right? If I didn't fix this, it would set the stage for my entire life! My world with Sergeant was black and white, no in between.

Leave it to Sergeant to swoop in with new taunts. The more I obsessed about being dropped like a sack of potatoes, the louder Sergeant got: “If you were smarter, more exotic, more interesting and beautiful, he would want you. But you are just not any of those things. I can't blame him. You have bad heredity, and that mixed with your ongoing stupidity is so undesirable.” I didn't merely have to suffer the excruciating insecurities of being a teenaged girl; I had to endure Sergeant, too. It was all too much.

I can practically hear you saying, “Enough. I don't want to hear about Sergeant anymore.” Believe me, I don't want to spend too much time on him either, best buddy. Just bear with me, though.

The plot thickens: The guy who broke up with me had a chum, and they were frequently seen together. A high school frick and frack situation.

I think the way these two boys interlocked with Sergeant is worth talking about. Precisely because I was a victim to Sergeant, first and foremost, I was that much more of an easy target to other mental bullies. Maybe you've been there, too.

Sergeant explained it like this: “The only way you'll know you really count in this world is if your unrequited love comes back and takes an interest in you. That's the only way!” There was no other alternative.

And I foolishly anointed these two as the authorities on my self-worth—or lack of it. They strutted around school and Oak Park as if they were in an exclusive club that only they knew about. And, of course, I saw their rejection as another clear reflection of my imperfection. Somehow I made getting acceptance from them everything, and they, both extremely intelligent cats, knew it.

What do young boys do when they know they have something to poke at that will react? They poke at it. Me? Unfortunately, I let them live in my head rent-free! I allowed them to avoid me, ignore me, laugh in my direction like I was a big joke, tell secrets when I was around, and openly reject me.

How I wish now that I could have said, “You two are assholes! I'm not a fucking punch line!” and called it a day. But I couldn't do that. I sucked in their collective rejection of me, and Sergeant drove it home.

It always felt that if I could just try a little harder or do things a little better, everything would be okay.

My closest girlfriend at the time knew what was going on and tried to help. With her help, she knew I could get the boy to take me back. She, I, and (secretly to me only) Sergeant were on a mission.

We would talk about improving our appearance just to “feel better.” She'd say things like, “How about some blonde highlights? That'll make you feel better.” Or we would focus on updating our clothes. “Let's go to Madigan's at North Riverside and get some new outfits. Don't you want to look cute tomorrow?” While we were there, “Let's get some long fake nails put on; those are sexy.” In addition, we both thought losing some weight would make us look “more happening,” so we went on a diet. I actually wrote a letter to myself saying that I could lose weight but not get carried away (this was an example of a good worry coming from my healthy self!). I signed it at the bottom and dated it like a contract. I don't remember if my girlfriend signed it or not, but I am fairly certain I communicated it to her.

Getting thin, now this was the target in the middle of the bull's-eye for a girl with OCD (still unbeknownst to me). I started out allowing myself a thousand calories a day and then over time got that number down very low. Scary low. Meanwhile, my girlfriend and I continued to plot new strategies for me to become more appealing to the boy who dumped me.

If she saw the two boys together, she would tell me as though she had the biggest news on the planet. Unfortunately for me, she did. I would feed on her words.

We would check our hair and makeup often, so we'd always be ready to run into them. I would curl my hair before school, and I even started bringing my curling iron to school to redo it if necessary.

The bangs were all it. If the bangs were fucked up, I knew that would make it that much more apparent how ugly my face was. I would stare at myself in the mirror and wonder why God had to make me so ugly. Now and then, when I was feeling particularly exhausted, light-headed, undernourished, and rejected, I would head to a Catholic church on Oak Park Avenue when mass was not in session. With the sun shining through the stained-glass Jesus, I would go up front to one of the pews, get down on my knees, and pray toward the large, highly detailed cross on the wall straight ahead of me. “Dear God, help me.”

I could not have been any further away from my playful and fun-loving self at Longfellow Park. The distance between me now and that little girl luxuriating in her body at Longfellow Park was like a spiritual crater.

I didn't know exactly what I should pray for as I kneeled there. Inside, I felt upside-down and my mind was like a scribble. Sergeant said, “You can't even sit up straight enough for the cross and Jesus. You want Jesus to know how terrible you really are?” You're a slacker! Slackers deserve to be punished!

I'd end up praying to lose more weight and to stay thin, and while doing that, I'd sit up straighter for Sergeant and, oh yes, Jesus.

I now believed that everything rode on my being thin enough. If I could just stay thin and do all my Sergeant drills right, my life would be good and I would be good enough . . . finally. Good enough that my dad might stop doing drugs, good enough that the yahoos would give me a pass into their club, good enough to have Sergeant let up on me, good enough to get my mom to spend less time at her job and be more available.

I believed OCD math: Do X and you'll get Y. By the way, because OCD is a tricky little bastard, X and Y were always changing variables. In this instance, X equaled “starve yourself and be perfect” and Y equaled “love and acceptance.”

Without knowing it, I was a pawn in a big OCD game. Yep, it was the dance that Sergeant and I did. Do this to get that. No matter how outrageous it got, I still played. Sure, I would have liked to have gotten out, but like a battered wife and prisoner, I just didn't know how.

It sounds so strange to say it now, but I still didn't realize that Sergeant was nothing more than my raging OCD. What I would do to get those years back! I also had no idea that my eating disorder was what's called a “shadow syndrome” of OCD—a common problem suffered by many with OCD. I just thought this was the way I had to be and accepted it. I was terrified not to. I was terrified of Sergeant. I believed that he had the ability to make my hellish life even worse, and it was proven, he did. That is exactly what kept him in power and me a puppet. “You have to get thinner. Don't you see that is the only way for you to be successful?”

I'd stumble along from one drill to the next, catching fleeting moments of satisfaction and calm from having followed orders, but as quickly as those good and satisfying feelings would come, they'd go. Without having a clue, I was caught up in the OCD cycle from obsessions (horrible unwanted thoughts that cause anxiety) to compulsions (doing what I had to do to get relief), and around and around we'd go. Sergeant was captivating. There was always more for me to do. He would change the games slightly, making them more challenging (levels within levels). This approach had my interest and even more holding power.

It's the same reason people can't stop playing Candy Crush Saga—there's always a new stage to unlock or level to beat.

—BEN PARR, CAPTIVOLOGY

Artist: Doug Horne