Читать книгу 488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct - Kitty Flanagan - Страница 11

2

Football jerseys are not art

Don’t frame them. And definitely don’t hang them on the wall.

3

Don’t waste your money on surround sound

Nobody cares, guys. And I say guys because it is usually guys who insist on surround sound. When I’m watching TV, I find it weird if the sound isn’t coming from the television. After all, the person walking on the television is on the television, in front of me, so it’s really creepy to hear footsteps behind me or, indeed, all around me.

Same goes for those elaborate sound systems that people (again, usually men) install. The ones where they wire up the entire house with speakers in every room so they can pipe their chunes throughout. It’s not a department store, it’s just your house, you don’t need the music to follow you around wherever you go. Spend your money on nice ham instead.

4

You don’t need a media room or home cinema

Just watch television in the lounge room like a normal person. Or go to the cinema.

5

Supersizing is for beverages not family portraits

There are many businesses that will blow up your family photo onto an enormous canvas, but that doesn’t mean you should get one. A few regular-sized photos will do just fine; you don’t want to turn your living room into some kind of in-memoriam shrine.

6

Don’t complain about your cleaner

Having a cleaner is one of life’s greatest luxuries and if you can afford one you should be extremely grateful. And no matter how lax you might think your cleaner is, remember, it’s still better than mopping your own kitchen floor or scrubbing your own bathroom and pulling your own disgusting hair-monster out of the plughole.

7

Wait a week before accusing your cleaner of stealing

People always accuse the cleaner. Never to their face but behind their back in hushed tones to their friends: ‘I think the cleaner might have taken my necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula, etc.’

Your cleaner is not stupid, cleaners know they will always be number one on the suspect list, which is why I guarantee the cleaner did not take your stuff.

Here’s the more likely scenario: you’ve put your necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula somewhere you don’t usually put it and then done what all middle-aged people do—completely forgotten where you put it.

Give it a week; whatever the cleaner has ‘stolen’ will turn up.

8

Flags are not curtains

A flag in the window is a tell-tale sign that backpackers have moved in. And if the NSW tourism department is at all interested in my amateur research, I would say that based on the number of flag curtains in my area, the majority of visitors to Bondi Junction are coming from Ireland and Brazil. Welcome to you all … now please go buy some curtains.

9

Glamour shots belong in a drawer

First, think very carefully about whether you really need a soft-focus, glassy-eyed shot of yourself dressed in high heels and a feather boa, kneeling on a whorish-looking bed surrounded by red satin cushions. And then think even more carefully about whether you need to put that photo on display anywhere.