Читать книгу Lost & Found - Kitty Neale - Страница 10

Lily woke up on Tuesday morning to find that Ron had taken most of the blankets. She shivered, snuggled up to his warm body, aware that this was the last time she’d be able to do this for a long, long time. He stirred, groaned with pleasure as her hand moved down to touch him, and soon Lily was wrapped in his arms, their lovemaking passionate. Lily relished Ron’s touch, his mouth as it devoured hers, and was taken to new heights, her nails raking his back.

When it was over, Ron collapsed by her side, and Lily wondered as she always did why their lovemaking had only resulted in one child—one who was nothing but a disappointment. It didn’t help that her neighbour and so-called friend next door, Kate Truman, had three kids, all normal, one so good at school that she was going on to college.

Kate was always bragging about how clever her Sandra was, and how her younger daughter, Ellie, was also showing signs of passing her eleven plus. Even Kate’s son was doing well as an apprentice plumber, though the boy was so ugly he reminded Lily of a bulldog. Oh, what was the matter with her? It was just sour grapes, Lily knew that, but she was sick of the pitying glances Kate threw at her whenever Mavis was around. And it wasn’t just Kate—others in the street were the same, proud of their kids; whereas Lily knew nothing but shame.

Lily knew that she should love Mavis, had waited for that wonderful moment that other women spoke about when their babies were first put into their arms, but for her there had been nothing. She had looked at her baby and felt nothing! And all these years later, she still didn’t. It added to her shame, made her sharp with Mavis but, unlike Kate, she had nothing to be proud about in her daughter. Was the fault hers? Was there something wrong with her? Did she lack maternal instincts? No, no, if Mavis had been normal, surely she would have grown to love her? Her thoughts making her restless, Lily threw the blankets to one side, but Ron turned to grab her, holding her fast.

‘Don’t get up yet, love.’

‘I’ve got work to do, and if you want to be away by eight, you’d better sort your stuff out.’

‘What’s to sort? I packed my case last night. Come on, let’s make the most of this last morning.’

Unable to resist, Lily turned into his arms again, their lovemaking slower this time. Like her, Ron knew that this would be the last time, his touch tender, caressing, until unable to hold back any longer they became frenzied: so in tune with each other’s bodies that they both climaxed at the same time.

Lily lay for a moment, panting, but knew that like it or not she had to get up. With a swift kiss she pushed Ron off and then clambered out of bed, quickly wrapping her old, fleecy dressing gown around her.

‘Lily, I don’t think I want to go. How about I get another job locally?’

‘Why the sudden change of heart?’

‘It’s you, love. I don’t think I can stand to be away from you for months on end.’

Lily was tempted to agree, but common sense took over. If Ron worked locally he’d be down the dog track as soon as he got his first wage packet and, as usual, she’d be left with hardly a penny. At least if he was working away, and if he stuck to his promise, the future would be rosy. Yes, she’d miss him too—well, she thought, smiling wryly, she’d miss the sex—but it wasn’t forever.

‘Yeah, it’s gonna be rotten,’ she placated, ‘but if you don’t go in with Pete, there’ll be no chance of your own business. Not only that, it’s a bit late now to let him down.’

Ron scratched his head, and then ran a hand around the stubble on his chin. ‘Yeah, I suppose you’re right.’

‘Of course I am. Now come on, get yourself up, and I’ll see what I can rustle up for your breakfast.’

‘A nice bit of bacon would be nice.’

‘Bacon! Leave it out, Ron. I’ve got ration points for four ounces, but no money to buy any. There’s an egg and I’ll fry that with a couple of bits of toast.’ And with that remark Lily left the bedroom to hurry downstairs.

Ron lay back on his pillow, flooded with shame. What was the matter with him? He’d asked for bacon, spoken without thought, and now Lily was going to fry him their last egg. What would that leave for her and Mavis? Sod all!

He’d been a shit of a husband, a shit of a father, but he really was going to change now. Lily deserved better. Mavis deserved better. Thinking about his daughter now, Ron frowned. He didn’t know why Lily was so hard on the girl, and when he got the chance he tried to intervene, yet somehow that only made things worse. Mavis might not be bright, but she was beautiful, with a personality to match, and surely she could do better than domestic work?

Ron dressed before he picked up the bucket to take downstairs to the outside lavatory. He emptied it first then sat down on the wooden seat, shivering with cold. Christ, to have an inside bog would be heaven, and once again he burned with shame. If he didn’t blow his wages every week they could rent a better house, one with a bit of comfort for Lily and Mavis.

Still, he thought, assuaging his guilt. Things were going to change. He’d send Lily five quid a week without fail and she could start looking for somewhere decent to live.

Still shivering, Ron headed for the tiny outhouse where he dashed cold water over his face, then shaved. When he at last entered the warmth of the kitchen, he found Lily had a pot of tea made, and said as he sat at the table, ‘Pete will be here in half an hour.’

Lily poured the tea, only saying, ‘It’s a bit weak. I had to use the same tea leaves again, and there’s no milk.’

‘It’s fine and I hope you haven’t cooked my breakfast.’

‘I was just about to.’

‘No, love, I’m not hungry,’ he lied. ‘We’ll have a bit of breakfast on the way to Bracknell. I’m just sorry I can’t give you any money before I go, but by the end of the week I’ll be able to put something in the post.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Lily drawled.

Ron couldn’t blame her for doubting him; after all, he’d let her down so many times before. Lily had been a diamond for putting up with him, but for some reason, and Ron didn’t know what had brought about the change, he felt as though the scales had been lifted from his eyes. He’d been a bastard, a mug who had made the bookies rich while his wife and child had gone without. No more! From now on he wanted a decent future, for all of them, and by God he’d work like a dog to see that they got it. ‘Lily, I don’t deserve you, but I swear I’m going to make it up to you.’

‘That’d be nice, but was that another pig I just saw flying past the window?’ was her sarcastic reply.

‘You’ll see, but for now, can we talk about Mavis? I won’t be here when she leaves school, but I think she could do something better than cleaning.’

‘Like what? She can’t read or write, so working in a shop is out. Forget a job in a factory too. She wouldn’t be safe around machinery. What does that leave?’

‘I dunno, but there must be something.’

‘Ron, like me, you’ve got to face it. Mavis is slow and when she leaves school she won’t be able to find a job. I know cleaning ain’t much, but it’s better than nothing.’

Ron drank his tea and then stood up, pulling Lily from her chair and into his arms. ‘Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Christ, love, I’m gonna miss you something rotten.’

Lily was stiff for a moment, but then as always she melted. ‘I’m gonna miss you too. But, Ron, please, don’t let me down. Not this time. I don’t think I can take any more broken promises.’

‘I won’t. In fact, now that I’m going to send you money every week, you could look for another house. Somewhere with an inside lav and even a bathroom.’

‘We’ll see,’ was Lily’s cryptic reply. ‘I’d best get Mavis up.’

Ron tightened his arms momentarily before releasing her, his expression grave as he watched Lily walk to the bottom of the stairs, her shout loud as she called to Mavis. He wouldn’t let her down, but only time would convince Lily of that. In the meantime he was leaving her with nothing. He cursed the race track, the money he’d lost on Friday and vowed never to set foot near the dogs again.

‘Mavis, come on, your dad’s leaving soon,’ Lily yelled.

Ron heard a thump, a door opening and then Mavis was running downstairs. She hesitated for a moment when she saw him, but then ran into his arms.

‘Oh, Dad, please don’t go.’

‘I’ve got to, but don’t worry, the time will fly and I’ll soon be back,’ Ron said. Mavis felt thin and fragile as he hugged her and Ron realised that it had been a long time since he’d held his daughter. As a little girl she had clambered onto his lap, but those occasions became rare as she grew up. He’d shown her so little attention—too little affection—and though the words felt thick in his throat he forced them out, ‘I love you, darling.’

Mavis pulled back, her lovely blue eyes wide as she looked up at him. ‘I … I love you too, Daddy.’

Oh, God, Ron thought, he didn’t deserve her love, or Lily’s. All he had cared about for so many years was his next wage packet, the chance to get down to the dog track, followed by the pub, and by the time he showed his face at home, nine times out of ten Mavis had been in bed. He’d shown no interest in her school work, had accepted it when Lily said that their daughter was backward. In fact, in all honesty, he had dreamed of a son.

Ron looked at Lily over Mavis’s head. They had tried so hard, but surely it wasn’t too late? There was still time, and once he got himself sorted out, maybe they could find out why she hadn’t fallen pregnant again. It would be different this time, he’d be a decent father, a good provider, and when he and Pete made a success of their business, he’d have something to pass on to his son. With money coming in, there’d be no need to worry about Mavis’s future. He’d look after her, see she was provided for, Lily too, his wife able to take it easy at last.

Lily went to answer a knock on the front door, leading Pete into the room. ‘Are you ready, mate?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, I’m ready,’ Ron said, gently moving away from Mavis. He stepped across the room, facing Lily. ‘Right, I’m off, and don’t worry, I’ll get some money to you soon.’

‘Here, Ron,’ Pete said, holding out a crisp white note. ‘Sorry it’s late, but I forgot about that fiver you lent me last week.’

For a moment Ron hesitated. He knew that Pete didn’t owe him any money, but this wasn’t the time to show stubborn pride. If he accepted it, he could leave Lily with something, and once they were earning he’d be able to pay it back. He grinned now. ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t like to remind you, but give it to Lily.’

She frowned, but her fingers closed around it as Pete stuffed the note into her hand. ‘He lent you a fiver?’

‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Pete said offhandedly before turning to Ron. ‘Now then, come on, let’s go or we’ll miss our train.’

Ron swiftly crushed Lily in his arms. ‘Bye, darling.’

‘Bye,’ she whispered, then kissed him fiercely.

He gave Mavis a hug, and then picked up his case, unable to look at his wife and daughter again as he walked out, leaving Mavis with tears streaming down her cheeks.

When Lily heard the door close behind her husband, she stared down at the five-pound note in her hand. She didn’t believe for one minute that Ron had loaned it to Pete. How many times had he bailed Ron out? She’d lost count, but nevertheless she was thankful for his consideration. Oh, why couldn’t Ron be more like Pete? A man who was so steady and reliable that it was a wonder he hadn’t been snapped up years ago. It was his looks, of course, women unable to get past his pugnacious face and baldness; yet if they got to know him, they’d realise that he had a heart of gold. Pete was thirty-eight now, but still a bachelor, and what a shame because he’d make someone a perfect husband. Unlike Ron, she thought, ruefully. Yet from the first time she’d seen him, he’d been the only man for her. Of course, she hadn’t known that he’d turn out to be an addicted gambler, and was mad to stay with him, but when all was said and done, she still loved him.

Lily’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud sob. Mavis was still crying, and though in truth she felt like crying too, Lily had long since learned to hide her feelings; had refused to let people see how their pity affected her. Not only that, when it came to selling, if people thought she was soft, they’d take advantage of her.

‘Oh, for goodness sake, Mavis, stop blubbing. All right, your dad’s working away, but it ain’t the end of the world. He’ll be back before you know it. Now shut your noise and get ready for school.’

Mavis fled upstairs and, thankful for the peace, Lily sank onto a kitchen chair. It was great to have a fiver but, with no guarantee that Ron would keep his word, she’d have to make it last. Still, with some decent stuff to sell, especially the biscuit barrel, it wouldn’t hurt to have a little treat. She’d start by cooking the egg and a couple of pieces of toast. Mavis could have that, but once the girl was at school, she’d buy a couple more eggs along with a bit of bacon. Bacon, Lily thought, smiling blissfully.

It was ten minutes before Mavis showed her face again, wan looking, but dressed. At least she wasn’t crying now, so Lily placed the breakfast in front of her, saying, ‘Go on, eat it up.’

‘Me! But what about you?’

‘I’ll have something later.’

Despite being upset about her father leaving, Mavis tucked in, bolting the food down as though frightened her mother would change her mind.

‘Come on, Mavis, wash your face and then get a move on. Don’t forget to go to Mrs Pugh’s after school.’

‘Can I go to Gran’s first? I was supposed to get her some jellied eels yesterday, but I forgot.’

‘Leave it out, you idiot. What sort of impression will it make if you’re late on your first day? I’m popping round to your gran’s later so I’ll get them. Keep the money your gran gave you and you can have a school dinner. Now as I said, get a move on.’

Mavis at last moved, but when she reappeared with her coat on, Lily saw the tell-tale bulge underneath it and her eyes narrowed. ‘Hold it, my girl. What are you hiding?’

‘N … nothing.’

‘Don’t give me that. Hand it over.’

‘Mum … please, let me take it back. Dad left you some money, and he’s going to send more.’

‘Take what back?’ Lily asked, but then the penny dropped and she looked at the sideboard to see that the biscuit barrel was missing. ‘You … you …’ she ground out through clenched teeth and, marching up to Mavis, she pulled back her coat to snatch the barrel. ‘I’ve a good mind to give you a bloody good hiding.’

Mavis cringed as Lily raised her hand, but begged, ‘Please, Mum, that old lady was really poor.’

‘Poor! Don’t make me laugh. She probably owns the big house you said she lived in. She could sell it—buy something smaller and be stinking rich—whereas all I’ve got to flog is this biscuit barrel.’

‘You … you’ve got five pounds.’

‘Yes, but it’s got to last us until God knows when, or are you daft enough to believe that your precious father is going to send me more?’

‘He … he might.’

‘Yes, you said it, he might. Now get out of my sight, you silly soft sod, and think yourself lucky you ain’t felt my hand across your face.’

Mavis fled and, after placing the barrel back onto the sideboard, Lily slumped onto a chair again. Mavis trying to sneak the bloody thing out was the last thing she needed. It was bad enough that Ron had left and she dreaded the time they’d be apart, her head thumping as she ran both hands across her face. Mavis had been upset when Ron left too, but despite this the old woman had obviously played on her daughter’s mind. Mavis didn’t have an ounce of sense—that was the trouble.

Lily gulped down her cup of insipid tea. She would go round to see her mother, but wondered what she’d say when she heard that Ron would be working away. There’d be no point in telling her that he was going to turn over a new leaf, especially as her mother had heard it so many times before. She had no time for Ron, and Lily couldn’t blame her. Yet maybe, just maybe, he did really mean it this time.