Читать книгу Star Wanderer writes. A soft whisper on the lips. Contemporary Prose - - Страница 42

On the threshold of the forties, one realizes that the past cannot be changed, like in a soap opera where everything is assumed and the end is included. Fate speaks, tries to justify its actions, and is not entirely wise. I think that’s the last thing that needs to be said out loud. It is natural to want to believe in the good things in life. Just as transgressions are also punishable, and not because of made-up rules. Humanity is not hard to lose, but it is hard to regain. It is easier to walk away than to forgive, and the paradox is that all our lives we resent those who have betrayed us and do not consider our own self-interest. It’s easier to make a decision after certain circumstances, justifying a sudden desire to start over in the hope of unlimited happiness. So much for fate, or maybe it’s just a lousy test, a certain stage depending on the characteristics of our selves. How primitive everything is except the soul, which suffers and tortures in earnest. Why? No one will answer. I stared at him as if I was watching what was happening, but I did nothing. My soul was wounded by mistrust, the main thing is to find the strength not to go back. It is hard to look into his eyes, knowing that there will be excuses for his selfishness. Sometimes helplessness in this or that situation gives pleasure to someone, that is human nature. And now, years later, as I found peace within myself, walking the streets of my city, I felt like an alien in a godforsaken place. Everything seemed strange, unfamiliar, some people were scurrying around, wanting something. There is no place for regrets or resentment, only good memories, but not all at once. Time is the best doctor, you say to yourself in the beginning, and at the end of the way you get out of the piggy bank all that has accumulated.

…Freedom to choose, incredibly difficult, but the choice is made and suddenly. I realize now that the sheer darkness and suicide in the face of his already quite satisfied selfishness was not for me. Would he have been so thoughtful and compassionate to me if he had the choice? I think not, and I was not wrong. All our actions, both good and bad, have their resonance in nature. By nature, we mean people close to us as well as the occasional passerby. Time is the best doctor…