Читать книгу Funny, but True - - Страница 8

I am a conscious man and don’t like surprises. It was time for a routine colonoscopy. For the entire year leading up to it, I read every article that contained the word “colon.” I wanted to know everything. The evening before the procedure, I decided to avoid any mistakes and used two bottles of Fleet instead of the recommended one.

The next day, my colon was crystal clear. But my mood was dark. My wife woke up with a fever. It was clear – she wouldn’t accompany me to the doctor’s office. The procedure required sedatives, and my rational mind told me to reschedule. But my subconscious chimed in: “Let’s take a chance!” Ignoring my better judgment, I drove to the doctor’s office alone.

After the procedure, groggy but eager to leave, I headed for the exit. A nurse stopped me.

“Do you have someone coming to drive you home?” She asked.

“Yes, of course,” I lied.

Half an hour later, nobody had shown up. The nurse asked again. Then again, fifteen minutes after that. Finally, five minutes later, she crossed her arms.

“You’re lying. No one’s coming to pick you up,” she said,

I tried begging.

“Fine,” she relented, “but I will test your consciousness. If you pass, I’ll let you drive home. If not, I’m calling the police to drive your home.”

“My consciousness is my strongest weapon,” I assured her.

“What day of the week is it?” she asked.

“Every week has seven days. Yesterday was Sunday or Saturday…” I began to panic. My rational side kicked in just in time.

“Tuesday,” I blurted out.

“Correct! And what month is it?”

I froze. My mind betrayed me. Then, I noticed a calendar hanging on the wall behind the nurse.

“October,” I answered confidently.

“Correct again!” she said, surprised by my quick and accurate responses.

Thanks to a bit of luck, the nurse let me go. Relieved and triumphant, I drove home.

That excitement was short-lived. On the way, the police stopped me.

“You’re driving under the influence,” the officer said.

“How can, you be sure? I haven’t made any mistakes!” I protested.

“You’re right – your driving is perfect,” he admitted. “But only someone under the influence would drive with their hazard lights and all other lights on… on a sunny day.”

Since then, I’ve learned to ignore my subconscious. I’m a conscious man.