Читать книгу First Came Baby - Kris Fletcher - Страница 15

CHAPTER FOUR

AFTER A LONG and exhausting day planning repairs, guiding Jamie toward Boone and revealing way too much about her past, Kate was more than ready for bed once Jamie was down for the night. She grabbed a book about restoring older homes, climbed under the covers, and fell asleep reading about crown molding. At least, she thought that was the part where she passed out, given that she had a wild dream in which Boone was really Prince Harry, but she was the only one who saw it.

She woke up to the sound of snuffles right before she was going to meet the Queen.

“Damn it,” she grumbled as she hauled Jamie’s sleep-warm body close and crawled back into bed. “All that practice curtseying for nothing.”

With the morning well and truly begun, she made her plan. Feed Jamie. Get him changed and dressed. Hop into the shower and... Ooh. Did she dare leave Boone in charge of the baby while she had a shower?

“I think you could handle it,” she said to the tiny head working so studiously. “But your dad might pass out.”

As if he agreed, Jamie ceased gulping to gaze up at her, swat her chin with his palm, and gurgle something that sounded like uh-huh. Kate burst out laughing and cuddled him closer, tickling his tummy with her hair until he giggled.

Boone should be here.

The thought hit her fast and hard, making her hands shake as she went through the pat, burp, resettle routine. What would it be like to have Boone in the bed right now? To lean against his bare chest and laugh softly together over their son’s antics...to look up and back for a quick kiss...to have him reach around her so they were all wrapped together in one embrace...

No. She couldn’t let herself think that way. Not when she knew it was nothing but an exercise in self-torture.

“I know he had a crappy childhood,” she whispered to Jamie. “But you would think that would make him want all the family he could get, not the other way around.”

Though she knew that wasn’t always true. Boone didn’t like to talk about his childhood, but the parts he did let slip set a whole armada of red flags flying in her educator’s brain. She knew the kinds of lingering effects a childhood such as his could have on future relationships. Given his insistence right from the start that he wasn’t a family guy, she had a pretty strong hunch that those long-ago traumas still had their claws sunk into him.

“I want him in your life, Jamiekins. I want you to know that you have an awesome and amazing dad who is making the world a better place for a lot of people.” Her voice dropped. “But I want you to have brothers and sisters, too. And I don’t want to be alone all my life.”

She’d hidden behind house repairs and getting reacquainted for two days. It was time to talk about the divorce.

* * *

BOONE HAD SET his alarm for five thirty, hoping that would give him enough lead time to jump in the shower and have the coffee going for Kate when she got up. But he woke on his own a few minutes after four, jerked out of sleep by the need to escape a bad dream. He couldn’t remember the details. There had been slamming doors and a child crying and a sense of deep loss that still clung to him. And cold. So, so cold.

He pulled the quilt higher, paying careful attention to the soft rub of the flannel sheets against his skin, the slightly floral scent of the fabric softener, the comforting weight of the blankets over his body. Tiny details. All those things that tied him to the moment.

What’s done is done. What’s ahead is unknown. But right now, you’re fine.

He distracted himself by carefully examining the decision he’d made the previous day, the one he didn’t dare reveal to Kate until he was certain he could pull it off. Logic said it was impossible. But if there was one thing he’d learned after years of writing grants for a cash-strapped nonprofit, it was that when it came to finances, logic didn’t always have the last word.

Kate wanted to stay in this house. She was putting a good face on the need to repair and sell, but he knew her. She was all about history and tradition and family.

Family.

He sent a mental scowl toward the bastard who had fathered her. To be rejected like that, sight unseen, would have been a killer for any kid. For Kate, who had just lost the only father she’d known, who had grown up steeped in family history, it must have been devastating.

He couldn’t make up for that. But he could damned well find a way to keep her in this house where her grandmother had lived and died, to get it fixed up to the point that she wouldn’t have to worry about falling through the frickin’ floor every time she crossed the porch.

He was going to need a second job. Or a loan.

Or, probably, both.

He had no idea how to make that happen. But if nothing else, mentally calculating interest rates and updating his résumé made it possible for him to fall asleep again.

Which was good—except he slept through the alarm.

Which was also good—until he woke up and heard Kate singing.

“Que huevon,” he said as he threw back the covers. Yeah. He definitely wasn’t acclimated if he was still relying on Peruvian slang to call himself a lazy ass.

Half an hour later, showered and dressed, he made it downstairs only to find Kate eating toast at the computer. Jamie lay tummy-down on a blanket by her side, staring at the stuffed alpaca Boone had brought for him. Jamie made a sound, and Kate stretched out one enticingly bare foot and tapped his back with her toes.

“Coffee’s ready,” she sang out without looking up.

“All this and coffee, too?” Boone let out a low whistle. “God, you’re amazing.”

He knew he shouldn’t have said it as soon as the words slipped out. It was the kind of thing he would have said last year.

Did he still mean it? More than ever. But now he couldn’t think of a single way it could sound anything but wrong.

Kate stopped chewing for a second, stopped tapping on the keyboard.

Then, with a deep breath, she turned to him with a smile.

“Yep, that’s me. Kate Hebert, semisingle mom, day care director, able to push those buttons and start that coffee like nobody’s business.”

Retreat seemed the best option.

He took his time doctoring his cup, giving them both a few minutes to find their equilibrium before he tried again, sitting in the rocking chair and focusing on Jamie.

“Morning, squirt.”

Jaime squealed and waved his arms in a swimming motion. Boone risked a glance at Kate.

“Is this how Michael Phelps started?”

“That, I can’t answer. But it’s good that he’s doing that. It helps with his bilateral coordination. Also, God help me, it’s a precursor to crawling.”

“Of course. I knew that.” He bent down and mock whispered in Jamie’s direction. “Here’s a hint, kid. Don’t give your mother an opening before you’re really awake.”

Kate huffed and hit the keyboard a bit harder.

“Do you need the car this morning? I should run to the hardware store.” And the bank, but he wasn’t going to mention that.

“Be my guest.” She leaned closer to the computer monitor, peering so intently that Boone wondered if the prime minister had been photographed shirtless in public again. “I need some things, too. You can be my lackey.”

He mock bowed in his chair. “Your wish is my command.”

Too late, he remembered another time he had said that. In a very different location. With a lot fewer clothes.

Would he ever learn?

“Here.” She grabbed a paper from the printer, made a couple of marks on it with a pen, then handed the printout to him. “You’re going to need this. Not today, but, soon. Ish.”

He read over the list of names and addresses, first in confusion, then with the sense of inevitability he hadn’t felt since he was a kid.

“Divorce lawyers?” It shouldn’t have been so hard to ask. He’d known this was coming. Hell, he had been the one who’d followed “You know, we could get married” with an almost-immediate “Temporarily, of course.”

With a start he realized his hand had gone to his throat, searching for the fake rabbit’s foot he used to wear when he was a kid. Good God. He hadn’t thought about that in years.

She cleared her throat. “Yes. Right.”

Sure. That was why he was here.

“I... Look, of course you’ll want to choose your own lawyer, but I thought it might be easier if I pulled together some names for you. A starting point, since I know who is most convenient.”

He ran a finger down the list, lingering over the names she’d starred, buying time. “It’s not like either of us is fighting this.” At least, not legally. “I don’t see why we need to pay two lawyers when we’re in agreement already.”

“Conflict of interest. Legal ethics.”

“Lawyers have ethics?”

Her head snapped up. For the first time since he walked in, she smiled.

“Crazy as it might seem, it’s true.”

She had what appeared to be a death grip on her pen. If it had been a pencil, he would have expected it to snap in half by now. He wanted to walk across the room, place his hand over hers and give it a squeeze. Remind her that they were in this together, the way they had been all along.

Well, as much as possible.

But the rules were clear. No physical contact. Maybe someday they could reach the point when a squeeze of a hand or a tap on the shoulder would be seen as no more than a gesture of support, but right now, there was too much else floating between them to risk it.

“We’ve done the hardest part already,” she said softly. “Figuring out support and custody. I mean, we’ll each need the legal eagles to give it their pricey approval, but as long as we’re in agreement, it should be smooth sailing.” She hesitated. “Unless, of course, you want to make any changes.”

“No. I’m good. Kate, we both know that there won’t be any every-other-weekend thing with us. Jamie’s life will be here, with you.”

She pulled the pen in close to her chest. It was almost like she was guarding it. Or cradling it?

Her actions perplexed him. Shouldn’t she be happy about this? He knew all too well how it felt to be traded from home to home. That wasn’t what he wanted for Jamie. He had no intention of swooping in like the Big Bad Wolf and disrupting their lives.

And yet Kate maintained her death grip on the pen.

“Is that a problem?”

She said nothing. Which worried him more than anything she could have said, because he had never known Kate to be at a loss for words.

“Hmm? Oh, no. No. I just thought... I mean, I want him here with me. Obviously. But I don’t want him to miss out.” She took a deep breath. “It’s fine.”

Boone might not be a family man, but that didn’t mean he was clueless when it came to family dynamics. On the contrary. He had learned fast and early how to read a situation and know when someone was telling the truth and when they were lying through their teeth—or through a smile. He didn’t always know what to do about it, but he could tell when there was a problem.

And right now, every instinct he had was telling him Kate was most certainly not fine.

I don’t want him to miss out.

“Kate.” Again, he stopped himself from reaching for her hand. “If we want any chance of making this work, we have to be honest. Even when we think the other person won’t like what we have to say.” He spread his palms wide open. “Cards on the table, okay?”

She stared at his hands. Silently. Like she was weighing her options. Which surprised him, because it all seemed pretty straightforward to him.

Then she said in a rush, “I want him to know that you want him.”

Her words sent him rocking back in his chair. Or was it the way she’d said it—low and desperate, like she wasn’t sure she had the right to ask but needed to anyway?

Did she think he didn’t love his son?

“Kate.” The hell with restrictions. He left the chair to kneel in front of her, tipping her chin up with one finger, steeling himself against the flood of remembered pleasure at the brief brush of skin on skin. “Kate, I know that what I feel for Jamie doesn’t come close to what you have with him, and it never will. I’m okay with that. But don’t ever doubt for a minute... I mean, it’s true I don’t know a lot about babies, and I’m still terrified I’ll do something wrong and hurt him.”

Some of the worry in her face was pushed aside by a slight smile. “I hate to burst your bubble, but I already figured that out.”

Ah. There was the Kate he knew.

He let his hand drop back down to his side. “We got caught by surprise. Things are more complicated than either of us expected. But complicated can still be amazing.”

“And wanted?”

“Wanted. And very much loved.”

This time, when she ducked her head, he was pretty sure it was to hold back the flash of moisture he saw in her eyes.

“I want to know Jamie.” If he had to spell it out, he would. “I want to talk to him as much as he would like, and come here to hang out with him every year, and maybe, soon, start having him spend some time in Peru. With you, of course,” he said when her head snapped up. “But I’m okay with leaving the details of when we take each step kind of fluid.”

“Fluid.” She said the word slowly, as if trying it on for size. After a moment, she nodded. “Okay. I see what you mean. As long as we both agree on what the next step should be, I’m good with leaving the timing loose.”

Down on the floor, Jamie grabbed a squeaky toy and smashed it on the blanket.

“Rock on, dude.” Boone cocked his head toward the baby but spoke to Kate. “Maybe he’ll be a drummer.”

“Oh, no. No wishing drums on him when you’ll be on another continent.” She reached behind her, grabbed a paper and squinted at it. “Okay, since His Highness is still happy down there, let’s talk about some things we haven’t covered yet. Like guardians.” She frowned before looking at him. “Right now, I have Allie listed. It made the most sense, since she’s here and he knows her. But do you want to leave it that way? Or if something were to happen to me...”

Boone’s mind went blank. He couldn’t help it. The thought of Kate not being alive drove all capacity for thought from his mind.

“Would you want to...” She carried on, totally oblivious that parts of him had frozen at the thought of her dying. “I mean, I think it would be easier on Jamie if he were to stay with people and places he knows, but you’re his father. It would be up to you.”

Oh, God. She expected him to answer.

The floor was hard against his knee as he pushed back upright. The chair was solid beneath him as he sat down once more, the wood of the armrests smooth and slightly warm against his palms as he gripped them.

He could handle this. If she had the guts to sit there and calmly talk about what would happen if she were to die, then surely he could manage something coherent.

“I...uh...I haven’t thought about that.” Start with the facts. Buy himself time. “I, uh, need to think about it, but my feeling is, yeah. Having Allie take over would undoubtedly be easiest on Jamie. As long as she’s okay with me still being in the picture.”

Kate smirked. “There’s a reason I asked her and not my mother, and let me give you a hint—it had nothing to do with age.”

Damn, it felt good to laugh. The tightness in his chest eased and lightness filled him.

“But while we’re on the subject,” she said, “we probably should think about what we would like to do when and if either of us remarries.”

“That’s not going to happen.” The words were out of his mouth before he processed them. He wasn’t even sure who he was talking about. Him, definitely. But her?

Though judging from the way she was watching him, as if he had suddenly sprouted alien antennae, he had a feeling that maybe he should have waited to speak.

“Kate, come on. We both know I’m not going to...that is, if not for Jamie...”

Oh, God. She was clutching the pen.

When she looked up again, her face was set in a resolve he’d seen only a couple of times before. When she’d told him that no matter what, she was keeping their baby. When she told Maggie that no matter what, they were getting married.

When she had taken him to the airport for his flight back to Peru. And why hadn’t he put that together until just now?

“I know that you don’t see yourself as a family man, Boone, and that’s...well, it is what it is. It’s part of you. But as we both know, things happen.”

She had a point. Maybe he should look into getting a vasectomy while he was here.

“But I’m not you. I want to have more kids. I would like to have them with someone I can build a life with.”

She wants to be with someone else.

Once, when he was helping build the expansion on the project’s office, the guy carrying the other end of a board had slipped and Boone had taken a solid chunk of wood to the torso. Kate’s words made him feel like he was doubled over in the yard once again, struggling to breathe through a chest that had forgotten how to move.

“I...guess that’s another thing I hadn’t thought about.”

Maybe because it was impossible for him to think about her being with someone else and still see straight.

And then he had to know. “Is there someone?”

“What, do you mean, like, am I taking applications?” She started at him blankly before bursting into laughter.

“No. No, Kate, I’m not...”

Her laughter faded into a bemused smile. “I’ve been kind of busy, you know?”

Yeah. He knew.

“Sorry.” He attempted a smile. “You caught me by surprise.”

“Obviously.” Her gaze slid sideways, though he doubted she was really seeing Jamie chewing on the alpaca. “I mean, it would be one thing if you thought that maybe, someday...”

His breath caught in his throat. She shook her head.

“But you’re there, and I’m here. And if it turns out this is the only life Jamie ever knows, then that’ll be his normal and it will be wonderful.” She stretched her foot out again to straighten the corner of the blanket. “I only remember a little from the years when it was just me and Mom, living here with Nana and Poppy, but I know it was good. Then she married Neil, and then Allie came along, and things just felt so different. Like we’d found something we never knew was missing.” Her voice dropped. “Someday, I would like to have that for Jamie.”

“And for you?”

He shouldn’t have asked. He had no right. Yes, she was his wife, but that was only a matter of time. She would always be the mother of his son, but that didn’t give him any say over who was in her life, or her heart, or her bed.

Jamie. Keep it focused on Jamie.

“As long as this future potential...person...is good to Jamie, I don’t see how I would have any input.”

“Well, you wouldn’t, really. But I want you to think about it. If someone else was in our lives, day in, day out, he would become the father figure. You would still be Daddy, but things would be...different.”

Different. Yeah, that was one way to describe it.

He was pretty sure he was okay with things being different. Change was good. But he was also pretty sure that Kate would prefer the version she had laid out.

That, he wasn’t so certain he could handle.

But he also knew that he had no choice.