Читать книгу Scarred Faith - Landon Alexander - Страница 4

A man’s falling out from monogamy begins in the weakness of his marriage. Admitting this basic fact is not to put the whole blame on either his wife or himself, but upon both of them. In my case, I’m to blame for doing what I did, obviously. I was in wretched shape at the time. That’s undeniable, as you will see. But the fundamental truth is that my marriage was a house divided. My wife and I were not strongly united in our relationship. A deep fault lay between us, beneath the surface. Our marriage was on shaky ground. The pressure below the surface was immense. I had built my marriage upon human hopes and desires instead of upon the foundation of a faithful relationship with God in Christ.

In a genuine Christian marriage, each spouse is accountable for what they don’t do, as well as what they actually do. A man like me must be deprived within his marriage to do things that can make him seem depraved in the eyes of others. But a husband and wife are partners in everything that happens in their marriage. The truth is, when a marriage gets into trouble, it’s usually not just one person’s fault, although if one commits adultery, he/she is the obvious culprit. In our case, that was me. I was the villain, the devil in the mirror, the one who went astray and committed adultery.

Who would go outside their marriage if they were happy within it? This is a pivotal recognition, important for understanding all that follows, so that this story will make more sense to you than it does to anyone who cannot tell the sinner from the sin. I believe that God always — ALWAYS — makes that distinction and never stops loving His lost child. If this were not the case, we sinners would have no hope at all.

”Though your sins be as scarlet, they will be as white as snow.”

(Isaiah 1:18)

You see, adultery is no accident; it’s not what causes the breakdown of a marriage. Something is already broken in the union before thoughts of committing adultery start in the heart of the man who acts out his lust and sins in the flesh.

Perhaps resorting to sex outside of marriage is a bit like losing the will to keep going. You might even say that adultery is to marriage what suicide is to life. They say that a suicide attempt is a desperate cry for help — for love, really. I think that an act of adultery, even as a thought in a cheating heart, can be a cry for love, too.

In his inspired letter to the Corinthians, Paul lays down the rules on how a husband and wife are meant to save each other from immorality, by keeping watch over each other’s needs. Paul’s prescription declares that, ”the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise, also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

(1 Corinthians 7:4)

Isn’t this a curious arrangement? Who among us could agree to it, today? This balance of mutual authority over each other’s body is mind-boggling to modern thinking. Maybe that’s part of our problem. Maybe we are simply wrong-headed in our presumptions, bent on exercising our assumed right to do whatever we want to do with our own body. You’ve no doubt heard the selfish justification: as long as I’m not hurting anyone else, I can do whatever I want.

Paul says, NO! Your spouse has authority over what you do with your body. You are accountable to your spouse for the desires of your flesh. But this is ideally balanced by your equal sway over the body of your spouse. Each partner is effectively accountable to the other. Isn’t that a beautiful balance? You can see the paradoxical logic of this basic concession: if each governs the other’s body, they look out for each other and keep each other from straying. At least, they do as long as each forsakes all others, and neither spouse acts on their own behalf.

A husband owes it to his wife to keep his body for her alone, and vice versa. They owe each other the bond of sexuality, to bind their union and sanctify their desire within the bounds of their holy matrimony. In effect, Paul says an unbelieving husband or wife can actually be saved by their believing spouse in a faithful marriage. (I Cor. 7:14).

Paul also takes into account those times when a husband and wife might agree to refrain from enjoying the one flesh they share, when they agree to devote themselves to prayer and spirituality. Paul wisely adds that a husband and wife are not to deprive each other, sexually. Why does he insist on avoiding deprivation within marriage? Because he understood how men are driven men by desire. A man who is deprived of the satisfactions of a loving marriage is at risk to be drawn into temptation.

Paul puts it this way: ”Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of control.”

(1 Cor. 7:5)

It’s not as if most men marry simply for sex on demand, but if a husband is denied what he needs for his well-being as a man, he’s not likely to be content with his marriage. He’s bound to feel trapped, maybe even emasculated — deprived by denial. In effect, he is refused a husband’s authority over his wife’s body when she denies him the common union that his human body demands. Is his need excessive to her?

As a civilized man, he must respect his wife’s decision, but does her power over her husband’s body include the right to deny his desire? Only by agreement, Paul says. Even the most domesticated husband needs to feel like a real man, honored with the power that is meant to be shared within the marriage. We’ll have more to say about a husband’s authority later, but for now, let’s be realistic and propose that any married man who doesn’t have a satisfying relationship with his wife is a candidate for infidelity.

If a man’s wife denies him (whatever her reasons), the deprivation can drive him to distraction, if not destruction. The lonely celibate husband’s complaint goes like this: what does it profit a man to marry and still burn with desire? To forfeit his freedom for a union that leaves him on his own? Wanting, unwanted?

A husband can experience unbelievable distress and misery when his need is denied by his wife, and he has to deal with it alone. It really is uncanny how obsessive the lack of sex can be to a man, compared with how natural it seems when he does have it regularly.

A man who is blessed with the affections of his wife and is satisfied within his marriage, especially a Christian man, should have no need to venture outside his marriage. He should be immunized against temptation by his loving wife. But a man whose desire goes on burning in a troubled marriage will be tempted to cheat.

Why would a conscientious man jeopardize everything he has built up over the years? Why would he risk it all for the pleasures of sin? It’s impossible to overestimate the importance that sex can assume for a married man whose wife does not fulfill the human equation and love him completely.

”The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.” (Eph. 5:28)

To any happily married complacent person, adultery can seem foolish, if not unthinkable. But beyond the legalities and obligations, the fundamental risks and ramifications on the human level, adultery is absolutely wrong. It breaks the Commandment of God.

Even so, I sinned. I followed the wrong way. I did not stand firm. I did not put on the full armor of God, and I did not follow the way of escape that would have delivered me from temptation.

Part of the problem men face these days is the sexualized atmosphere of modern life. Just look at our sexed-up commercial culture. It keeps sex right in front of our eyes, all the time, every day. This keeps sex on a man’s mind throughout his days, making ravenous wolves of us inwardly, even though we might seem to be clothed like sheep.

You might seem to be a conscientious dad, dropping off your child at the friendly daycare center, and then as you drive away feeling righteous and fatherly, you pass a riveting sight: from the back, she has long dark hair and she’s wearing a very short skirt tight round her perfect butt that’s shifting cheek-to-cheek above her stylish long legs, high-heeling her way before you. It’s automatic: demonic lust at first glance. If only she were yours? Get a grip, dad! How would you like her to be yours with all her charms, knowing she gets the look of lust from every man who sees her, all day long, wherever she goes? Who sees her wants to do her, as if she’s just asking for it. She’s no man’s wife.

The styles we see our sisters and daughters wearing these days make the streets look like Sin City, no matter how high-minded and innocent the girls wearing those styles might actually be. It’s provocative, to men. It’s in our face. It’s in our eyes and minds: sex-sex-sex!!! Men as victims of desire? Well, from this perspective, yes. Is it any wonder we lose ourselves in a carnal state of mind all day long?

”Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.”

(1 John 2:15-16)

Solomon’s Proverbs have much to say about the temptations we face as men, including the flattering adulteress who is perfectly persuasive and offers all manner of enticing reasons to go with her, “as an ox goes to the slaughter.” (Prov. 7:22) She is beautiful and cunning. She is believable and promises much that is irresistible to any hot-blooded man, but her appeal is fatal. The Proverbs cast a merciless eye on the temptations of the adulteress, clearly recognizing and revealing the dangers of her allure. While warning the reader against the attractiveness of such a woman, the Proverbs also understand how compelling woman’s appeal is to a man, and just how susceptible he can be to his destruction at the hands of her sexual beauty.

Still, the images of female flesh can remain in a man’s mind against his will, imprinted on his consciousness. That’s the visual style of temptation, today. You can’t keep your eyes open without being tempted within a whiff of death to earn the wages of sin. Temptation is found everywhere a man looks. How can he not respond to it?

Experts who claim to know how men’s desire works attribute it to male egotism and lust for power. It can be these, especially for the child molesters (priests, pedophiles) and the philandering exploiters (politicians, athletes and others famous for something), whose sexual opportunities are commonplace, and hard to resist, apparently.

Even a man of God, such as David in the Bible, can covet another man’s wife so powerfully it can lead him to commit an outrageous sin. David saw Uriah’s beautiful wife, Bathsheba, bathing on her roof and was driven to plan nothing short of murder, in order to sleep with her. He arranged for Uriah to be put in harm’s way, where he was killed. Such is the power of a woman’s visual beauty over a man’s desire. What to do?

”And if your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than having two eyes, to be cast into the fiery hell.”

(Matt. 18:8-9)

You can see the spiritual logic and absolute truth of the Lord’s counsel in the Gospel according to Matthew, but it is truly extreme in the literal sense. Who would deliberately blind himself to remove visible temptation from sight? Out of sight, once seen, it could still remain in your carnal mind and haunt your blindness like a curse.

No wonder another culture hides its women in shroud-like clothing, to avoid stimulating man’s lustful nature. In this way, they hope to avoid subjecting many helpless men to the provocative allure of women. The eyes of men cannot be satisfied?

These days, we have virtual temptation — sexual images accessible on the Internet. Mere generations ago, our grandfathers’ culture didn’t subject them to this flood of temptation. They had only fantasy and men’s magazines to fascinate their lust. Then came sex in porn films and videos, and finally the Web arrived, bringing universal sin within easy grasp, offering a world-wide reach of unlimited temptation, just a click away, putting us in league with that electronic beast of ubiquitous iniquity. We are virtually swamped by visual temptation. How much more difficult is the problem going to become for the boys now growing up in this beastly electronic environment?

What can you do? Pluck out your eyes? Don’t you need your sight to do so much more than avoid stumbling because of temptation? You need to see to do your work, of course, or even to read the Word of God, and to view the beauty of God’s creation, as well as the visible loveliness of your own family. But there’s an easy way to pluck out the world of virtual temptation: just unplug the damned thing!

”You have heard that it was said, you shall not commit adultery. But I say to you, that everyone who looks on woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

(Matt 5:27-8)