Читать книгу Snowbound With The Single Dad - Laura Iding - Страница 15

IT WAS THE middle of the night. The snow had given way to sleet and was currently battering the windows in the old Glasgow hospital.

Whilst the ward was dark, most of the windows were adorned with festive lights. A Santa, a snowman and a reindeer stood out twinkling against the black night sky outside. A tree with multicoloured lights flickered at the end of the ward, and strings of icicles were hanging from most of the windows outside the ward bays.

A few little bodies shifted under the starched white hospital sheets and coloured blankets. Almost everyone was sleeping—unusual for a children’s ward—with only a few little murmurs here and there. Alongside most of the beds were chairs and stools with an array of uncomfortable parents trying to catch a few hours’ sleep as they watched over their children.

Jessica padded along the ward in her soft-soled shoes. She loved Christmas in the children’s ward. Although most people in her circumstances would want to avoid this place, it was actually the one place at this time of year that gave her a little solace.

There were always people worse off than you.

Actually, no there weren’t. No parent should outlive their child.

Here, in the ward, she felt safe. Everyone knew what had happened. No one asked awkward questions. If she needed a few moments on her own, she got them.

If she needed to be amongst people and in company, it was here.

If she needed to feel of value, there was no doubt she was needed here. There was always a little one to cuddle. There was always a parent to talk to in the quiet hours of night—to give some kind of explanation, to give some kind of comfort.

Mostly, she just liked to watch the kids sleeping.

There was nothing more comforting than watching a child sleep.

Tonight she was watching Grace Flynn, a seven-year-old with a rare form of aggressive bowel cancer. She’d had her tumours operated on twice.

Grace was a beautiful child. She wanted to be a ballerina, or an air hostess, or a teacher. She changed her mind every day. But she was becoming frailer and frailer with every visit. The chemotherapy and radiotherapy were having ravaging effects on her body. The surgeries were taking their toll. The battle was becoming harder and harder.

So tonight she was taking a little pleasure in watching Grace sleep. Watching the rise and fall of her little chest.

Moments like this always pained her. What was worse? Your child dying suddenly, with no chance to say goodbye, or dying slowly, painfully right before your eyes?

Her brain couldn’t even begin to compare those issues. All she knew was that she would do everything in her power to help Grace and her parents.

Hopefully Grace would be able to be discharged home with her family tomorrow and get to spend Christmas at home.

She would love that. She might be the model patient but she always had a smile on her face when she was discharged home.

Jessica walked down the corridor, watching the twinkling lights on the windows and appreciating the stillness of the ward.

It wasn’t always quiet in here. Some nights it went like a fair. Some nights she didn’t even see the inside of her on-call room. Then there were other nights like tonight.

She sat down at the nurses’ station and tapped a few keys on the computer, bringing up the file of one of the kids admitted earlier. She would never have been able to sleep anyway.

Images of Callum were currently swimming around in her brain.

It was the oddest of feelings.

Because she didn’t know how she felt.

For the last few years she’d been sad. She’d worked hard to put one foot in front of the other and try and come out the other side. And now she finally felt as if she’d reached a plateau.

She didn’t cry non-stop any more. She didn’t spend every day wishing she didn’t need to get out of bed. She wasn’t insanely jealous of every woman pushing a stroller in the street.

Oh, she still had moments when things crept up on her and caught her unawares. When she needed a few minutes to gather herself or to wipe the stray tear that appeared on her face.

But things had eased. It was still the first thing she thought about every morning and the last thing she thought about at night. But it didn’t fill her every waking moment of the day any more. She’d allowed herself to think about other things. To care a little about other things.

And work was her biggest comfort. It helped her tick along. It gave her a sense of purpose. A little confidence that she did have a life worth living.

Then something like this happened.

A blast from the past, totally unexpected. Totally unprepared for.

Callum was evoking a whole host of memories. Most of which were good. Some of which were distinctly edged with tinges of pink—the way all teenage first-love memories were.

It was a little unsettling. Not just seeing Callum but the whole host of what-ifs that had her flooded her mind afterwards—some of which had permeated her dreams.

What if she’d married Callum? What would her life have been like? Would they still have been together after all this time?

She tried to push the thoughts away. It felt disloyal. Disloyal to the memory of her husband, Daniel, and her little boy, Lewis.

Daniel had been the love of her life. She’d been blissfully happy. she’d thought they’d grow old together. She’d expected them to grow old together.

But as much as she’d loved Daniel, the loss of Lewis was even worse. As if someone had ripped her heart right out of her chest and squeezed it until every last drop of blood was gone.

The pain had almost killed her.

Maybe that was why her brain was drifting into unchartered territories. If she’d stayed with Callum, Daniel and Lewis would never have featured in her life.

She would never have suffered such torment and hurt at their loss. She wouldn’t have found herself wondering if she wanted to go on. To live a life without them.

Maybe Callum was a safe memory.

She opened her eyes, looking around to see if anyone had noticed her hunched over the keyboard. Two of the nurses were standing at the door of one of the rooms but they hadn’t noticed a thing.

Her pager sounded and she was on her feet instantly. ITU. She had three kids in there right now. The baby with chickenpox and Marcus and Lily from the accident. She started saying silent prayers in her head as she walked swiftly down the corridor. She looked around. It was the dead of night and there was no one else about so she took off. her soft running footsteps echoed up and down the passages of the long building until she reached the doors and squirted her hands with gel before entering.

The doors swung open. The steady whoosh-whoosh of the ventilators was the first thing that she heard whenever she stepped inside. In most instances it was a soothing sound, often not reflecting the serious condition of the patients inside. She took a quick look around the unit. It was brighter than the rest of the hospital, even though some of lights were dimmed.

She recognised a figure next to Lily’s bed and walked over quickly. Pauline, the sister in ITU, was great. She’d been there for ten years, had a whole wealth of experience and, more importantly, good instincts. Jessica trusted her judgement, and she also valued her friendship. She’d been a pillar of strength for Jess in the last few years.

‘What’s up, Pauline?’

Pauline shook her head. ‘She’s gone from bradycardic and hypothermic to the opposite. Tachycardic and high temp. Isn’t it amazing how kids go from one extreme to the other?’

Jessica cast her eyes over the monitor. Thirty-six hours ago Lily had had a heart rate of fifty and now it was one hundred and sixty. ‘Darn it. The ECMO should be keeping her heart rate and temperature steady. She must have an infection somewhere. How’s her suctioning been?’

Pauline’s lips pressed together. She hated it as much as Jess did when kids got sicker. ‘She’s been suctioned every four hours and there’s been no increase in her secretions.’

Jessica rolled her shoulders back, trying to relieve the tension in her neck and shoulders. Everyone knew that ECMO could have complications—bleeding, infections, neurological damage and kidney damage.

Jessica unwound the pink stethoscope from her neck. ‘I’ll have a little listen to her chest. It was clear earlier and her chest X-ray was fine, but you know how things can change.’

She placed her stethoscope on Lily’s little chest and listened for a few seconds then frowned. ‘I can hear crackles in her lungs. Can I have her chart? I’ll get her started on IV antibiotics right away.’ She scribbled on the chart handed to her. ‘Are you okay to make these up or do you want me to do it?’

Most of the nurses in ITU had extended roles. The IV antibiotics could be sent up from the hospital pharmacy but that would take time. Time that Lily essentially didn’t have. Pauline nodded her head. ‘It’s fine. I’ll do it. It will only take a few minutes.’

Jessica continued to make a few notes. ‘I’m asking for another chest X-ray. I want to see if there’s any change from this morning. And I’ll be about for the next few hours. Let me know if you have any concerns.’

‘Not planning on having any sleep tonight, Jess? You know that’s not good for you.’ There was concern in Pauline’s voice. And it was sincere—she always tried to look out for Jess.

Jess just gave her a little smile and kept writing. Sometimes she just liked to keep her head down.

‘I meant to ask you, how do you know Callum?’

The question took her by surprise. she felt on guard, even with a woman she’d always trusted. But Pauline’s face was open and friendly. ‘Callum Kennedy?’ she asked.

‘Yeah, the fireman—the rope rescue guy. He was on the phone earlier, enquiring after the kids. He knows we can’t give him any specific details. He just wanted to check everything was okay. Apparently he was in yesterday too. The staff say he’s gorgeous.’

Callum was in here yesterday? Why hadn’t she known that? ‘What did he say?’

Pauline’s eyebrows rose. ‘He said you went way back—that you were old friends.’

She was obviously piquing Pauline’s interest, and it made her wish she hadn’t asked. Jessica felt the colour flare into her cheeks. What on earth was wrong with her? Callum was a good-looking guy and in a gossip hive like a hospital it was obvious people would comment.

Pauline was still talking as she adjusted the controls on Lily’s monitors. ‘Even David knows him. Says he’s played five-a-side football against him. Apparently he’s single.’ She gave a little laugh. ‘He also says the firefighter football team are a bunch of break-your-leg animals. He says he always volunteers to be goalie when they play against them.’

David. The solitary male staff nurse in ITU who was usually the butt of everyone’s jokes. Just as well he was fit for it. He always gave as good as he got. And it was good to have a male in a predominantly female environment. Some babies responded better to a male voice—even seemed to be soothed by it.

And he always told any little boy who woke up scared and ventilated in ITU that the same thing had happened to him as a kid.

Some people were just destined to work with children.

Then again, David had just given her a vital piece of information. Callum was single. It seemed ridiculous. He was a gorgeous man, with a good job, and was fun to be around. Women would be beating a path to his door. Why on earth was he single? And, more importantly, why would she care?

‘Jess? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.’ She could hardly look Pauline in the eye. Pauline was too perceptive by half. Her cheeks were practically bursting. She felt like some crazy teenager again.

‘Jess, honey, no one would ever dare say these words to you. But I will because I care about you. Things are looking easier for you, Jess. Your mood has lifted, you don’t have quite as many dark circles under your eyes. And once you start eating again…’

‘What do you mean, Pauline?’

Pauline bit her lip. ‘I mean that if you and Callum have history, good history, that might be a good thing.’ She hesitated then continued, ‘It might be something to embrace instead of run away from.’

‘You think I run away from things?’

Pauline reached over and touched her arm. ‘I think that you’re ready. I think it might be time to start living your life again. I think it might be time to lift your head above the parapet and see what’s out there. Whether that’s Callum or someone else.’ She gave Jess’s arm a little squeeze. ‘The next step will be hard, Jess. It might be easier if you took it with someone you used to know.’

She looked at Pauline’s hand on her arm. The same place that Callum had touched her. The touch that had made every tiny hair on her arm stand on end and little unfamiliar sparks shoot up her arm. It had felt odd.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about any of this. She’d spent a long time with one man and the thought of another—even one who was familiar—was alien to her. There was still that burning edge of disloyalty. Right now she couldn’t even consider that Callum could be anything but a friend. No matter how her body reacted to him. It didn’t help that her confidence was at an all-time low.

She caught a glimpse of her reflection in one of the windows in ITU. She hardly recognised herself these days. Even she was aware of how thin she was.

She’d once been proud of her figure. She’d liked the glow about her skin. But all that had been lost in the last three years. She barely even looked in a mirror any more. She got her hair cut when it took too long to dry in the mornings. She only put make-up on to stop people commenting on how pale she looked. What man could ever find her attractive now?

‘It’s only work, Pauline, nothing else.’ The sadness in her voice surprised even her. Why were thoughts like this even entering her mind?

‘But maybe it could be something else?’ Pauline had raised her eyebrows and there was a hopeful tone in her voice.

Everything about this made her uncomfortable.

‘If it hadn’t been for the accident, our paths would never have crossed again. It’s just some crazy coincidence. Callum isn’t interested in me.’

‘Isn’t he? Well, he apparently asked after you while he was in.’

‘He did?’ She hated the way her heart had given a little jolt at those words.

Pauline finished checking the controls on the ECMO machine and recorded them in the log. ‘Yes. He did.’ She stared at Jess. ‘All I’m saying is there’s a world of possibilities out there. Just leave yourself open to a few.’ She hung the chart at the end of the bed and moved across to the next patient.

Jessica gazed at her reflection in the glass. A world of possibilities.

How on earth would she cope with those?