Читать книгу Rekindle Your Love: Psychological Tactics for Big Success In Relationships - Leanne M. Shine - Страница 6

Couples break up for many reasons. In this chapter we are going to explore some of the most common ones, and what the real underlying cause is for these problems.

One of the most common causes for breakups is infidelity, cheating and dishonesty. There are several reasons why you or your partner might feel compelled to cheat.

People cheat because

Often it’s the ego boost. When women first show interest in a man they agonize over their outfits, spend time on their hair and makeup, flirt and behave differently. Some men begin to miss those actions that made them feel special and interested in their partners in the first place.

Often they became in danger of cheating when they are faced with a woman showing interest in them and going out of their way to make them feel special.

On the other side of the equation, when a guy is first showing interest in a woman, he tends to be responsive to her needs, to make her feel like he is really listening and to go out of his way to surprise her with little gestures that make her feel adored. As the couple becomes more comfortable these little gestures become less common.

Ladies you can avoid this by making sure that you pay attention to and appreciate your partner. One great way of doing this is to make sure and dress up every now and then, especially if you know he loves you in heels, or a favorite pair of jeans, or likes your hair down. These little gestures will remind him of the early magic phase of your relationship, and as an added bonus that little effort will go a long way towards reminding you that you’re still a sexy, alluring woman. Mom jeans and sweats definitely have their place, but mixing it up sometimes shows your still interested, not only in him but in yourself as well.

Guys don’t take your partner for granted. Notice when she changes her hair or does something new, it doesn’t matter if you have been together six months or sixty years, she still needs to know you find her attractive. Consider planning little date nights or adventures to keep it fresh, and now might be a good time to pick up some flowers or her favorite candy, little gestures can go a long way toward preserving that first date feeling for years to come.

Remember it’s not that they are cheating because they found someone younger, more attractive or more interesting, often they are cheating because this person is showing the interest in them you USED to show, and making them feel the way you USED to make them feel!

Reconciliation with a cheating partner is one of the most difficult things that most of us ever try to do. We are caught up in our own feelings of hurt and betrayal and we wonder how we can ever trust again.

Oddly sometimes the way we find out can make a big difference in how we react and if reconciliation is possible.

If your partner confesses

They say confession is good for the soul, but what is good for the soul may not be good for your relationship. On one hand the air is cleared and the person has been brave enough to tell you about their mistake. This is a good sign as it often means that they value you and your relationship. However it could also be based on personal guilt and a selfish need to confess so that they can stop feeling like a bad person. No matter the motivation the cheating party is the best person to hear it from, and finding out from this source offers you the best chance at reconciliation.

You find out from a friend or acquaintance

Not only do you experience all the feelings of being cheated on but now you have an extra layer of embarrassment. You start to imagine that everyone knew but you and you feel foolish. Often it forms a rift between you and the friend who told you, as your mind initially denies the truth or you take out some of your resentment on the person who told you.

If you can get past this and approach your partner in a calm rational way you can open a discussion, if they admit it then it’s easier to move towards healing, but if they lie or deny that they cheated then it’s more difficult to reconcile.

Caught in the act!

This is the absolute worse way of finding out and visual evidence can be etched in your memory seemingly forever. If you catch your partner cheating, turn around and leave.

Go to a friend or family member’s house, go to a crowded restaurant, do not under any circumstances confront them then. Get away from the situation; it’s healthier and safer for everyone involved to avoid the drama and intensity that direct conflict will surely arouse.

If your partner pursues you or tries to get you to come back and talk to them just say you will talk tomorrow, or that you will call them when you’re ready to talk about it and escape the situation as quickly as possible.

It is possible to reconcile if you have caught your partner this way, but it is the most difficult, and you will both have to work even harder to gain trust.

Also remember if your partner has cheated it is their fault, and a little bit your fault. It’s a sign that something was really wrong in your relationship. Take the high road and don’t blame the person they were cheating on you with, it does no good and it is a barrier towards personal healing not to mention a recipe for embarrassing and potentially dangerous confrontation. Remember this is your life not reality T.V. and you will be a lot happier if you keep the drama to a minimum.

Now back to reasons people break up!

This next one is equally common in both genders. Sometimes it’s because you have grown apart. Without common ground couples will often end up bored or disinterested in their partners.

So when the straying partner finds someone who connects with them deeply about something they are passionate about the temptation can sometimes be unbearable.

There isn’t an easy fix for this one. One option is to try and find a new interest that’s fresh that you both share. Or try to become more interested in each other’s hobbies. But the truth is if you have drifted apart in this way you might both be happier with someone else, and should consider trying to let things go gracefully.

Human beings are not stagnant creatures everyday a thousand tiny catalysts change us in imperceptible ways. Over time our daily experiences can change our values and goals.

An ideal partnership is between two people heading in the same direction, or at least a parallel one, there is nothing wrong with letting go if you have grown apart, there is something wrong with letting a fizzled relationship linger if there is nothing left, this only prolongs the suffering.

Another common one is because you and your partner are fighting all the time. No one wants to deal with someone who is negative and constantly sniping at them.

The best way to deal with and prevent this problem is to figure out the real cause, are you that angry because he doesn’t pick up his dirty socks? Or that she leaves clumps of her hair in the sink?

Or are you lashing out at the person you love because you are stressed by work or finances? In those cases take some time to get some perspective and maybe consider a vacation, getaway, or just a weekend at home alone to help unwind, and rekindle your feeling for each other. Remember when you return from that weekend or vacation bring some of that relaxed atmosphere back with you to your normal life. Whether it’s the awesome recipe you learned at a resort, or just recreating that margarita on the beach feeling in the living room, using sensory items like food, scented candles or souvenirs can help you both to remember a romantic and relaxing time, and can help relieve the stress once you return to your real lives.

One of the most common reasons marriages fail in the first year is financial. If you are cohabitating then both partners need a personal checking account and there should be a joint shared account.

The joint account is used to pay all household bills, rent, mortgage, electric, grocery, whatever. Couples should discuss how much each is depositing in the account each month and who is going to actually pay the bills.

This can be done by one person or divided between the couple. You should also create a budget for the month and make sure you have similar priorities. Discuss large purchases, over a hundred dollars with your partner, or more accurately figure out what you both consider a large purchase based on your budget and then always discuss anything within that range with your partner. Financial insecurity and spendthrift ways can lead to fights, and secretiveness, both are poison for a relationship. If you entered your partnership and already had personal debt then embrace a plan to fix it so you can work toward future goals together. Remember in a true partnership His and hers is just something printed on the towels, the two of you are in this together.

The final reason is often insurmountable. Sometimes a couple doesn’t agree on an important moral issue, such as whether or not to have children, or political beliefs, while this difference may seem small at first over time if one person desperately wants kids, or passionately disagrees with the others social, religious and political views it can cause a huge problem in the relationship.

Avoiding this is simple, when the relationship becomes serious both partners should think about what values and goals are most important to them and then have an open honest talk about where the other person stands on these issues. If you are already in a relationship that you and the person have divergent beliefs try to be understanding of their viewpoints and to decide if you would be happier with someone who shares your perspective. Do not under any circumstance agree to have a child if you do not want one to make your partner happy, or ignore your core beliefs in favor of your partner, these temporary fixes will only lead to long term unhappiness, and resentment.

People also sometimes break up because one partner is afraid of commitment, or feels things are going too fast. This can be difficult, especially if the relationship has been a whirlwind romance and the other person feels no desire to put on the breaks.

What you can do, if you sense the other person is pulling away because they feel overwhelmed is ensure that they get the “Me” time or time with friends they may be missing.

Suggest that your each go out with a group of friends, sometimes a person needs to be reminded that being in a relationship doesn’t mean they have to lose the identity they had before, they can still go out with friends, engage in hobbies with their buddies and be themselves. Relationships should add to your life not limit it.

Sometimes this strategy can backfire, depending on the influence of those friends, but showing that you are willing to be a trusting and flexible partner can be just what commit phobic needs to get them back in their comfort zone.

However be prepared sometimes a person just isn’t prepared for commitment and some people are better at monogamy then others. Never force, cajole or convince someone to enter into a committed relationship if they don’t want it, it’s a recipe for cheating and distrust later.