| Introduction: WASHINGTON CONFIDENTIAL | ix |
| Part One—THE PLACES (Confidential!) |
| 1. | DISTRICT OF CONFUSION Washington’s whys and wherefores, guaranteed to mystify, amaze and amuse. | 1 |
| 2. | “GORGEOUS” GEORGETOWN No relation to the wrestler, only sometimes he makes more sense than the rich big domes and fancy queers who reside in this made-to-order Greenwich Village. | 8 |
| 3. | NW COULD MEAN NOWHERE North West is the only section of Washington which counts. On the other hand, what is there in it you won’t find in Denver, Detroit or Dubuque, except the White House? | 12 |
| 4. | NOT-SO-TENDER TENDERLOIN Where the hustlers hustle. | 21 |
| 5. | HOBOS WITH NO HORIZONS They can’t vote the bums in Washington’s flophouses, otherwise these skidrows are like your home-town Bowery, except there are three. | 30 |
| 6. | GREEN PASTURES Here the poor, downtrodden colored folk are not equal, they’re superior. And there are more of them. This is a Negro Heaven. | 34 |
| 7. | MIGHTY LIKE A ROSE Where the blackest crimes are hatched. | 46 |
| 8. | CHINATOWN CHIPPIES Washington’s Chinatown offers inducements other than Chop Suey and Chow Mein. | 56 |
| 9. | THE OVERFLOW A. The Free State—where anything goes for a price. B. The Policy of the Old Dominion is policy. | 62 |
| 10. | UNCLE SAM: LANDLORD The government owns 40% of the land. Read this and find out what happens on it. | 70 |
| Part Two—THE PEOPLE (Confidential!) |
| 11. | THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A DAME You can say that again about those in Washington. | 74 |
| 12. | G-GIRLS They come in two grades: A. Government Gals—they’re many and not so glamorous. B. Glamour Gals—they’re few and not so glamorous. | 77 |
| 13. | COMPANY GALS Being a dissertation on a specialty known only to Washington and how one finds same. | 83 |
| 14. | FOR IMMORAL PURPOSES The capital was made for lupos. An elucidation on how one goes about being one. | 86 |
| 15. | GARDEN OF PANSIES The hand-on-hip set wins the battle of Washington. | 90 |
| 16. | THE LITTLE RED HERRINGS Agrarian reformers—that’s what the bright State Department lads call them, in other countries. We call those in Washington traitors. | 99 |
| 17. | KICKING THE GONG AROUND When we speak of hopheads, we don’t mean Congressmen. | 107 |
| 18. | THE YOUNG IN HEART Until we read this book we liked children. In Washington the little dears are devils. | 118 |
| 19. | BOOZE AND BOTTLES Washingtonians imbibe three times as much as you. Where they get it, how and why, with pointers on what to do with your hollow leg. | 123 |
| 20. | CAFE AU CORN That’s Washington’s Cafe Society. | 131 |
| 21. | CALL ME MADAME With apologies to Irv Berlin. Being the story of the Social Climbers who climbed in when SOCIETY climbed out. | 134 |
| 22. | STRIPED PANTS Elsewhere men who wear ’em bury the dead; in Washington most who wear them are dead but not buried. That’s the sad tale of what happened to the once oh, so gay diplomatic corps. | 144 |
| 23. | LOBBYIST’S LICENSE—THE RIGHT TO PETITION The population consists of so many five percenters, lobbyists, fixers, lawyers, press agents and men from Missouri, you’d think everyone was taking advantage of the Constitutional guarantee. | 155 |
| 24. | RACKETS BY REMOTE CONTROL Washington’s underworld is operated by local overseers for absentee landlords. This is how the system works. | 171 |
| 25. | WHO’S WHO IN MOBOCRACY The Blue Book of the silk-lined aristocracy who own the works. | 177 |
| 26. | THE TERROR FROM TENNESSEE Estes in Plunderland. | 194 |
| 27. | LUCKY NUMBERS After all, politics is a gamble, so why shouldn’t the citizens do it too? | 206 |
| 28. | IT’S A CRIME Murder and mayhem, rape and robbery are pastimes in Washington. Jail? Don’t be naïve. | 213 |
| 29. | THE LAW The poor, underpaid coppers, who try to enforce it. | 220 |
| 30. | HOW TO STAY OUT OF JAIL Hire the right lawyer and bondsman. This will name him. | 229 |
| 31. | THE BOSSES They’re responsible for the works working. Maybe that’s why they don’t. | 234 |
| 32. | THE MONARCHS OF THE METROPOLIS The “Honorable” members of Congress. | 240 |
| 33. | WIRETAPPERS, SNOOPS AND SPIES The only thing they can’t tap is sign language. | 245 |
| Part Three—THE ESCAPE (Confidential!) |
| 34. | THE TUESDAY TO THURSDAY SET Where shall we go? Anywhere, but most head north to New York, Philly and Atlantic City. | 254 |
| 35. | BALTIMORE CONFIDENTIAL Baltimore is less than an hour away, but what a difference! You’ll find things here they never heard of even in Chicago. | 258 |
| Part Four—THE LOWDOWN (Confidential!) |
| 36. | INSIDE STUFF What they don’t teach you in school. | 276 |
| 37. | TIPS ON THE TOWNS Advice for the visitor with much that’s unknown to the natives. | 281 |
| 38. | CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO WASHINGTON AND BALTIMORE Where to find what, when, including much you should never want, but if you do— | 292 |
| Part Five—THE APPENDIX (Confidential!) |
| A. | HEADWAITERS’ NAMES This and a sawbuck will get you an insult. | 298 |
| B. | GUSTATORY GUIDE Where to find what food, when. | 298 |
| C. | DINING AROUND THE WORLD For those who don’t rate bids to embassies, but want to eat foreign. | 300 |
| D. | BARE BABES Where to find ’em. Or where to keep away from ’em, which is harder. | 301 |
| E. | LUPO’S LOG BOOK Being some notes to file away where your wife won’t look. | 301 |
| F. | THE INNER CIRCLE Extracts from the list of 800. | 302 |
| INDEX | 307 |
