Читать книгу How To Save A Marriage In A Million - Leonie Knight - Страница 10

CHAPTER TWO

THE ward round with Richard had been an ordeal and Joanna knew she should have had more control. But she’d felt self-conscious. For no logical reason, she’d thought she had to prove she was a capable nurse; to show the man she had once been so dependent on that she’d managed to do something worthwhile with her life, something that didn’t hinge on her being the perfect wife and mother.

On reflection she realised she’d been trying too hard. That realisation hadn’t stopped her going into panic mode when he’d asked to accompany her on her break.

After the ward round finished she headed to the ladies’ and glanced at the mirror. She looked no better or worse than usual but needed a moment to herself before going back. She took a couple of deep breaths.

A moment later, Tracey burst in and looked at her curiously.

‘Are you all right? You look a bit flushed.’

‘I’m fine. I worked a few extra hours yesterday and I feel tired, that’s all.’

Without expecting a reply, Joanna left the restroom and hurried back to the main part of the ward, not wanting to keep Richard waiting. As she rounded the corner she saw him leaning up against the counter, all long legs, broad shoulders and sandy-coloured hair that seemed to have a mission to create its own style. He was deep in conversation with the pharmacist and looked up when she arrived.

‘I won’t be a minute,’ he said with a friendly smile and then resumed his conversation.

How could he be so blasé when her emotions were in such turmoil?

She busied herself by checking through a bundle of test results that had recently arrived.

‘Are you ready?’ He stood looking over her shoulder and she could feel his warm breath on her neck. As she straightened up and turned he paused for a moment, dangerously close to her, eyes searching hers as if for the answer to an unspoken question, before he stepped back.

‘You can finish what you’re doing. I don’t mind.’

‘No, it can wait. I have to be back by ten because Lynne has—’

‘A teaching session,’ he interrupted with a smile. ‘Where were you planning to go on your break?’

‘To the canteen, if that’s okay with you?’

The expression on his face changed. The relaxed cheerfulness and downright charm he’d spread through the ward by the bucketload that morning vanished in the time it took Joanna to replace the pile of reports in the ‘in’ basket.

‘I was hoping for somewhere more private.’ Richard loosened his tie and then cleared his throat, the only indication he wasn’t as calm as he made out. ‘You must realise we need to talk, and the sooner the better. If we’re to work together…’

‘Yes, of course.’

The space between them hung heavy with apprehension and she knew they had to reaffirm that the remnants of their marriage were unsalvageable. The debris of their broken relationship had to be tidily packaged and disposed of before they could comfortably move on and work together as part of the smooth-running oncology machine.

‘The sooner the better,’ she said quietly, and was glad Richard appeared not to hear.

He began to stride towards the doorway leading out of the ward and Joanna found herself battling to keep up with his pace. When he reached the door, he waited for her to go through first. It was a gentlemanly gesture that reminded her again of the man she used to know.

‘Well? Have you any suggestions of where we could go without the company of half the hospital?’ He kept walking towards the lifts and stopped when he arrived, pressing the button to go down. ‘We could buy something to take away.’

Joanna suddenly had no appetite as thoughts scuttled through her mind.

Was it wise? To spend time alone with him?

She’d thought she’d never see him again. Her life had been uncomplicated, her future predictable. But now…

She didn’t have time to think of an excuse to back down, though.

‘What about the courtyard behind the clinics? It used to be so neglected…in fact, very few people knew it was there,’ Richard suggested, and smiled for the first time since they’d left the ward. ‘When I was an intern, about a hundred years ago, we used to call it lovers’ lair.’

‘Yes, it’s still there.’ Joanna looked away and somehow managed to suppress the bitterness that rose like burning acid in her throat. She’d been so young when she’d fallen in love with Richard. In her third and final year of nursing training, she’d naively thought she was a woman of the world.

He’d been her first and only lover, though, and she’d never wanted to know about his past. Of course he would have had girlfriends before he’d met her and probably had spent more time than she wanted to think about in lovers’ lair. The fact that he was eight years older than her and had the kind of eye-catching good looks that stood the test of time…He’d probably also had lots of girlfriends since they’d split up.

The secret garden was what she preferred to call the hidden patch of jungle tucked behind the outpatient block.

Yes it was still there but she used it as a place of peaceful solace. She would often take advantage of the solitude the secluded area provided when she needed to compose herself, usually after one of her charges had died. Fortunately life, and remission from the terrible disease, was the more common outcome for children with cancer these days, though the word ‘cure’ was still used cautiously.

‘What’s the matter?’

Richard’s words broke her reverie at the same time as the lift arrived.

‘Nothing,’ she lied. She wasn’t about to reveal to Richard that everything about being alone with him was the matter.

A slight upward tilt of his eyebrows was the only indication he didn’t believe her.

‘Okay, let’s get some food and then we can talk.’

The stilted conversation came to a standstill as they travelled to the ground floor but it didn’t seem to bother her companion. When they arrived at the canteen, it was full to overflowing with orderlies and domestics, fortifying themselves for the working day ahead. There was also a scattering of nurses and every table was taken so Richard’s suggestion to find somewhere else made good sense.

They bought cartons of iced coffee and, despite Joanna’s insistence she wasn’t hungry, Richard loaded up with snacks.

‘I haven’t had any breakfast,’ Richard said as the woman behind the counter packed a large paper bag with his purchases.

‘Your appetite’s still as hearty as ever.’ Joanna regretted the words as soon as she’d uttered them. Already she’d noticed so many things about Richard that hadn’t changed—the slight swagger of his hips when he slowed his usual brisk stride to a walking pace; the way his brow furrowed and the tip of his tongue protruded when he concentrated; the endearing dimple that appeared in his right cheek when he smiled, giving him the cutest lopsided expression.

But at least he didn’t know how often he was in her mind.

He apparently read nothing more into her comment than a simple statement of fact.

‘A bit too hearty at times. I’ve put on a couple of unwanted kilos during my stay overseas.’ His tone was casual, as if he was discussing football scores with a mate. He didn’t seem to expect a reply and continued, ‘I need to get back into regular exercise.’

He paused as they arrived at the entrance to the canteen and waited for a group of chattering student nurses to come in then guided her out of the eating hall with a gentle hand on the small of her back. The simple gesture probably meant nothing to him. He’d always been free with those easy, tactile gestures that could set her heart racing.

He dropped his hand when they were through the doorway and set off at a slower pace she could keep up with.

‘What was I talking about?’ he said with a grin, and Joanna wondered if he’d been distracted by the group of giggling, nubile students who had cast blatantly flirty glances in his direction. A jolt of jealousy took her by surprise.

She had no hold on him, no right to be jealous, she reminded herself. They were about to discuss the best way to end a marriage that had floundered and failed dismally long ago, not have a friendly discussion about old times.

‘Exercise,’ she said in a voice barely above a whisper as they approached the clinic block.

‘Exercise…that’s right. I need to start swimming again, maybe join a gym. Do you know any decent ones around here that have a lap pool?’

She blushed, suddenly remembering all the weight she’d put on over the years since their separation. These days she never seemed to have any spare time for a disciplined fitness programme and her attempts at dieting had always been halfhearted; she liked food too much.

‘Sorry, gym workouts aren’t my thing.’

He hesitated. They’d arrived at their destination and it only lasted a few short moments but Joanna was acutely aware of her companion’s head-totoe appraisal. It was as though he’d stripped her completely bare.

‘No, of course not,’ he finally said with a smile. ‘I imagine you get a decent workout with all the running around you do on the wards. Shall we go in?’ He glanced at the entry to the garden.

Joanna’s heart began to pound and her naked scalp prickled as if each hair follicle had a direct connection with the emotions centre in her brain.

Why had she agreed to come?

But it was too late now to change her mind.

Joanna opened the vine-covered gate to the courtyard, which was indeed well hidden.

They sat on one of the bench seats in a corner. Richard handed her a drink and set the food between them, showing no indication he’d guessed how nervous she felt.

‘Help yourself,’ he said as he opened his carton of milk and took a long gulping drink. Joanna glanced at her watch. She definitely had no appetite.

‘No, thanks.’

He raised one eyebrow as he peeled the paper casing off the muffin and popped a generous chunk into his mouth.

‘Not on a diet, are you?’ His eyes again wandered over her generously proportioned body but there was no sign of criticism in his tone. He had an unmistakeable twinkle in his eye, as if the statement was a challenge. Reminding herself she’d long ago stopped worrying about what people thought of how she looked, she refused to be unsettled by his question.

‘Do you think I should be?’ she said, rather more brusquely than she’d intended. She defiantly chose a Cellophane-wrapped portion of cheese and crackers from the selection of food, unwrapped it and began to eat.

‘No, of course not. You’re perfect just the way you are.’

Joanna nearly choked on an errant crumb. As she coughed to clear her throat, her eyes began watering and she felt a strong, warm hand first patting and then rubbing her back. It took all her self-control to stop herself from leaning into the blissful touch of his fingers on the exquisitely sensitive area between her shoulder blades.

She pulled away in alarm at the signals her body was sending. Fortunately Richard didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were full of concern.

I am a good nurse, I love the children I care for and that’s all that matters.

She repeated the affirmation in her head but it did little to divert her attention from the unsettling whole-body warmth she was experiencing in response to Richard’s touch.

‘Are you all right? Have something to drink.’

Clearing her throat, she tried to restore her self-control but Richard’s eyes were firmly fixed on hers as if he had something important to say but was uncertain how to say it.

‘I’m fine now.’ She took a sip of the offered drink.

He put his carton of coffee down, ran long fingers through his mane of unruly hair and cleared his throat. He finally spoke.

‘I guess it’s time to talk…about you and me.’

‘Yes,’ she whispered, and fixed her gaze firmly on the ground.

* * *

‘I saw you have your head shaved yesterday…’ Richard hesitated. He was trying to break the ice by not launching into a discussion of their marriage as soon as they’d sat down. But the distressed look on Joanna’s face left no doubt in his mind that he was being totally insensitive. She’d succumbed to a sacrifice most women wouldn’t even consider, because of Sam. And probably because of every child with cancer that had been in her care.

‘I’m sorry.’

Her eyes, which had been defiantly cast downward, found his and melted into a pool of heart-ache and exposed vulnerability. But it didn’t last long. She slammed the door on her emotions and attempted a smile.

‘What for?’ Her expression was now as hard as steel.

‘For…er…’

Why was it still so difficult to even mention the death of their son? He’d thought he’d regained some of his objectivity, but he should have realised that seeing Jo again would bring it all back.

She grasped his hand as if sensing his insecurity.

‘We didn’t come here to talk about Sam. He’ll always have a special place in my heart and I’ll never stop missing him but I can cope now. I’m no longer an emotional cripple and I’ve somehow managed to move on. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve survived.’

From what he had initially thought of as Joanna’s weakness had emerged a single-minded strength he envied. He was lost for words.

‘We need to talk about our relationship,’ she added.

She looked at him questioningly, expecting a reply.

‘Yes.’ Richard coughed to try and clear the stubborn lump in his throat but it refused to move. ‘What do you want to do?’

He’d thought he’d worked through denial and regret and could finally deal with seeing Joanna again…for closure. But he still had strong feelings for her and was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that he wanted to save his marriage; he was reluctant to mention what had been his initial intention—that they finally divorce.

It had seemed to be the logical solution to a problem that had been simmering in his mind ever since he’d made the decision to accept the position of head of the oncology department at Lady Lawler. But now he’d seen Joanna again, it wasn’t that simple. He needed to find out if she still had any feelings for him.

‘Do you want—?’

‘A divorce?’

Apparently easy for her to say and there was no avoiding the issue. But the goalposts had moved. He needed time. They were both older and, he hoped, wiser. When they’d married, Joanna had been nineteen and pregnant with a child she expected she’d never have. The doctors had told her the scarring from a ruptured appendix three years previously had blocked her tubes and her only chance of bearing a child would be through microsurgery or IVF.

When she’d found out she was pregnant, they’d both been over the moon. Although they’d only known each other for a little over six months, they’d been insanely in love and the pregnancy had somehow validated that love. Maybe they’d jumped into marriage too quickly and for the wrong reasons. Many times he’d agonised over whether that was why their relationship hadn’t been strong enough to survive the shattering stress of what had happened to their son.

Was it a bad thing to want to start over?

It had to be Jo’s decision. She was the one who had suffered most and he didn’t want to cause her any more heartache.

‘Yes, I guess it comes down to that. We probably should have finalised things before I left for England, but—’

‘I was an emotional vegetable and you couldn’t bring yourself to add to my stress by going through a divorce.’ She was actually smiling. ‘I hated you for leaving me, you know. But I realise now that living with me at that time in our lives must have been a nightmare. Looking back, you certainly pulled out all the stops to try and bring me out of my depression. I don’t blame you.’ She sighed and then hesitated. ‘I’ve moved on, Richard. I have a fulfilling life that doesn’t involve a husband or children. Our marriage ended years ago and now it’s time to formalise our separation.’

He cleared his throat but couldn’t bring himself to say what he was thinking—he didn’t deserve to be forgiven and it had been fanciful to even contemplate that she would give him another chance. Even if he hadn’t gone away he had a feeling their paths would have diverged.

Why did he feel so gut-wrenchingly disappointed?

‘I suppose so,’ he finally said. ‘Do you want me to get the wheels turning? I should have time to contact my lawyer some time in the next week.’

He couldn’t go on. It all seemed so final, but Joanna was right. Why cling to the memory of something, no matter how beautiful, that could never be regained? They were different people from the young, naive nursing student and the indestructible, ambitious doctor who’d fallen in love more than a decade ago. Joanna had told him what he needed to know.

‘That’s fine by me. Let me know what I have to do.’ She glanced at her watch, took a hurried sip of her drink and then stood up to leave. ‘I have to go. I’ve got less than five minutes to get back to the ward and take over from Lynne.’

She paused a moment, as if waiting for his response, but looked anxious to leave. He needed a few moments to reprogramme his thoughts into work mode, though.

‘Yes, of course you must go back. I have an appointment with someone called Jodie to discuss accommodation, so I might see you later, back on the ward.’

She nodded, then leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the cheek, as if he was one of her charges to whom she’d had to impart particularly bad news.

At that moment he knew the thread he’d been clinging to in the hope they might get together again was finally broken. She’d stopped loving him long ago, and she was right. He needed to get on with his life. They both did. So why did it hurt so much?