Читать книгу Sea of Tranquility - Lesley Choyce - Страница 8

Lonely without whales, Sylvie craved womantalk. Words to fill empty spaces in her life, chinks in the walls. Kit Lawson would do. It was a Saturday, schoolteacher’s day off, and Kit would be alone now that her dope-growing young man was gone off to rehab or jail. Sylvie hoped it wasn’t terrible punishment. He’d been a cheerful lad, seemed to care about the bees and the soil conditions. Understood rotting kelp and seaweed, was willing to learn all the tricks of gardening on an island like this. She hoped his motivation had not just been profit.

Kit lived in a large one-room house with a loft area for a bedroom. Once a fisherman’s house, it was a dream come true for her. “When I first set foot in here,” she told Sylvie,“this place reeked of authenticity. I asked Ned where the toilet was, and he asked if I needed to pee or do the other. I said I just had to pee, and he pointed to a little piece of one-inch black plastic pipe in the wall. I looked at it, then through the window, and saw it went outside and emptied into a little stream that grew ferns and cress. Ned had never encountered the problem of a woman having to take a pee in his old house, owned up to it, said it’d been a lonely several years. Then he built a first-rate outhouse. I had to tell him it had to be away from any watercourse. He said women were funny creatures, but he built it where I wanted it all the same. Built it like he was building a dory. Only certain materials, certain types of spruce wood he cut himself. Enough timber in it to withstand a gale. Guess he didn’t want me to come to harm if I was inside one day and a hurricane happened. Men are funny creatures.”

“Men are,” Sylvie said.“Men certainly are.”

“Sylvie?”

“Yes.” Sylvie had a dreamy look on her face. Talking about how funny men are as creatures.

“Sylvie, do you know there is something about this place.”

“The house?”

“No, not Ned’s house, although I think it is special too, but the island. Do you think there is something indefinable about this island. I felt it the first day I arrived.”

Sylvie worried through the pockets in her loose skirt looking for a handkerchief. “Oh, my dear. Something, yes. Not everyone can feel it, but you can, can you?”

“There’s doubt in your voice, like you think I’m teasing. It’s because I’m from away, right?”

“People from away don’t always understand. Lord, many people who grew up here don’t even understand.”

“But I do.”

“I believe that.”

“It’s not just the land,” Kit said.“It’s the sky, too. Everything is much clearer. Clearer up in the sky and space above this island, too. Last night I had my telescope focussed on the moon, on a place on the moon called the Bay of Rainbows.”

“You’re lying to an old woman. There’s no place on the moon called the Bay of Rainbows.”

“No lies. There is.” Kit picked up, of all things, a teacher’s pointing stick and went over to the wall where hung a big, round, blue saucer of a map. The moon. She pointed to a place and read it off: “Bay of Rainbows, just north of the Sea of Rains.”

Sylvie was hamstrung. Felt like a little girl in school again. “So there it is,” she said, as if the universe was a stranger place than she had ever thought, something like a fairy tale complete with astronomers sitting on mountaintops coming up with exotic names for places on the moon.

“Sylvie, I saw a bright light there as I was looking at the Bay of Rainbows. A flash.”

“Moonmen?”

“No, I think not. Another asteroid on impact.”

“That’s what all the craters are about, I suppose. A wounded old thing, the moon is, isn’t it?” She felt a kind of kinship there. All her men dying, belligerent asteroids battering the face of the moon in the night.

“Wounded indeed. Look at that sorry old girl.” Perfectly natural that the moon must be feminine. Not a man in the moon at all. Wounded old girl. A couple of million years old. Up there hanging over the earth. No atmosphere to help ward off chunks of rock gamming about in space.

“I’ve never felt closer to the moon than I do on this island. Back in Massachusetts, back when I taught in Boston, I sat on my rooftop and the moon kept me sane when I felt like I was going crazy.”

“Some people used to say the full moon made you crazy. Women especially, our blood all controlled by the movement of the moon, our periods and all that.”

“Oh, women are tidal, for sure. I’m certain of that. Back then in Boston, I always found myself looking at the big crater called the Sea of Crises — Mare Crisium. Everything in my life seemed in perpetual crisis. Men at my door in the night trying to bust through seven locks to steal my TV set. Children in my classroom, high as killer kites on crack cocaine. Air sick as the sea and all the while noise, noise, noise. I’d sit up there on a clear night in my lawn chair on the roof camped out on the Sea of Crises. Thought that was what life was all about.”

Sylvie felt slightly dizzy suddenly. The mention of children did it to her. Sylvie had never had any children. Not exactly the way she had planned it. Husbands were like children sometimes. But she knew it wasn’t the same. But there were plenty of other people’s children out there in the world. Without family, sometimes Sylvie felt totally and hopelessly alone. Not often. But sometimes. It was like she had moved to the moon, camped out in a lawn chair in the sea of whatever — Sea of Sylvie Alone. “What about the children?”

“The ones back in the city?”

“Yes. Did you try to help them?”

“Yes. I did.” Kit had suddenly lost her enthusiasm for the geography of earth’s satellite. “And almost died trying. Every time I got involved, it would be the parents or brothers or some guy selling the stuff who came at me and threatened me to stay clear. I tried and tried until I realized it was killing me. If I’d stayed I would have gone after one of them, the big dealers, would have gone after him with a can of gasoline in the night and burned him to hell.”

Sylvie wanted to ask if she was so dead set against men selling drugs to her students, how did she end up with a guy growing weed on this island. But she kept her thoughts to herself. Knew it was part of life’s complications. Nothing simple, clear cut, ever. The idea of children stoned out on something called crack cocaine filled her with a big pool of sadness in the very centre of her being, made her feel ancient.

“The island restored me,” Kit said.“The island children too. So polite. Call me ‘miss’ all the time. The one-room schoolhouse. Boys in big rubber boots. The fact they all cheered when I brought back a wood stove for the middle of the room, to supplement the electric heat. The fifth-grade boys carrying in firewood to feed the stove while we studied ancient Egypt.”

“Too bad the school board made you get rid of the stove again. I always liked the smell of softwood burning, brought your mind alive.”

“Spruced up your senses, so to speak,” the schoolmarm said with a clever inflection. “Oh well, it reminded me I wasn’t beyond the leash of civilization. Taught me a lesson. Kids suddenly seemed to be all that much more helpful once they saw I had lost a battle with authority. They were even kinder after John was arrested. I guess I knew what he had been up to, but John had this silly dream, believed marijuana would do no real harm. Felt that if he could bring a milder, more natural, and less harmful drug back into use, sell it cheap — no, not to kids — well, that would keep people from getting all caught up in the dangerous stuff. Mind you, I wasn’t fully convinced of this. But he always had a way of putting a good spin on everything. Even this. Something good will come out of it for John. You wait. He believes in lifelong learning. Self-education. Probably learn from his time in the institutions. Write a book about it, rise back above it. I miss him, though.”

“I know all about that.”

“I’m sorry. I guess you do. I have no idea what it must feel like to lose a husband.”

“It takes some practice, but you never get used to it. Men underfoot can be an annoyance, but when they are gone, it seems as if they get themselves all polished up in your memory. Can’t remember a bad thing about them. I still find an old shirt in the back of the closet and put it up to my face and it’s like he was a prince, a king among men, finest man ever to put two feet on the floor on any morning. You forget the other stuff.”

Then silence arrived like an unexpected house guest, didn’t knock on the door or anything. Just barged in, took the place over. Silence, a masculine silence. Sort of commandeered the big one-room house, tromped about, rattled the dishes, bumped into things like men do. Silence nonetheless. Two women staring away from each other for an instant and then back.

“John said he’d make some money from his plants and then we’d set up a camp here for kids from the city. A safe place, a happy place. They’d study the moon at night and we’d watch whales in the day. Go back to growing cabbages without pesticides.”

“Men have to have dreams, don’t they?”

“While women do practical things, is that what you mean?”

“Not always. I just think our dreams are more down-to-earth. At least mine were. But now I don’t know anymore. Living alone, you turn a bit inward. A good thing and a bad thing. Winter was hard but now this is summer. It feels good, but I need my whales back out there. They’ve never failed to show up.”

“There’s time,” Kit said. “Moses’ll be in some sour mood if they don’t show up. All those tourists coming out on the ferry to get on his boat. If he doesn’t have whales, he’ll be a sorry captain.”

Sylvie looked back at the map of the moon, its big, round, sallow, hurt face. She read the name of the great crater she was staring at: the Sea of Tranquility. She tried to imagine the man who would have named it thus. But Sylvie knew the real, true sea of tranquility. It was here surrounding this island on a summer morning and it took up residence in her heart, kept her tides in check during the hard times.

“It’s not just a big dead thing, is it?” Kit said.

“No, it’s not. It’s alive. Everything is. Everything. In its own way.”

Kit saw silence creep back in the room, wandering around, looking into cupboards, thought it wonderful that an old woman who had lost so many men to graves, a woman who must’ve hurt a hundred times more than what her hurt felt like, could still say a thing like that. Sit there, a little damp-eyed, and just spit it out without question. Everything alive, nothing dead. That was the lesson of the island. You can’t really kill a thing. It’s all alive, all you have to do is understand that, see it with your eyes, feel it in your bones. Dig deep and the news would always be there but you needed to hear it out loud from someone like Sylvie sometimes. Those few words embraced by masculine silence. And silence finally giving up on its own power, stopping to listen to a woman speak words, words that worked their way into all the important little crevices in the wooden walls. Words, sealing the place up against the cold. Words married to the silence in a good way. Ceremonies like that. Island ways.