Читать книгу Demon Hunting in Dixie - Lexi George - Страница 11

Chapter Seven

The town of Hannah nestled in a cluster of rolling hills created during the Cretaceous period when a chunk of rock tired of spinning through space and crashed into Behr County, rumpling the earth like an unmade bed. Hannah’s business section was situated at the south end of Main Street, a frayed gray ribbon of asphalt that ran past the flower shop and other stores and the Methodist and Baptist churches, and chugged up a steep hill to the town square. At the top of the ridge, Main Street split into a round-about that circled the park and rolled down the hill on the other side, spilling into North Florida where it became Highway 97. The funeral home was located at the north end of Main Street past the river bridge and near the edge of town.

Addy flew down the street, her thoughts focused on avoiding a tongue-lashing from her mother. She skidded to a stop at the employee’s entrance of Corwin’s and paused to finger-comb her hair and smooth her twisted skirt. She smelled something burning and looked down. Good grief, her shoes were smoking and she’d blown a heel. She limped inside and hurried down the hall to State Room A or the “Camellia Room” as Mama liked to call it.

Mr. Farris’s casket stood open against the right wall. Her gaze skittered past the burial box and moved on. She did not want to see Mr. Dead Dude. Death was good business. Death was money. Death was dependable. The flower shop wouldn’t survive without dead people. Sooner or later, everybody took the old dirt nap. But the simple truth was Addy hated dead people. She despised the Southern ritual of mumbling over the body. Don’t he look natural, people would say. What did they mean? Her brother Shep was an excellent mortician, took pride in his work, but she’d never seen a dead person she thought looked good. How could anybody look natural with their cheeks jammed full of cotton balls and their lips superglued shut?

She looked around. No sign of Mama. Thank God. Maybe she could finish what she had to do and slip back out without getting caught. So she was a major league weenie. But, she did not want to face her mother, not yet. Setting down the basket of flowers, she headed for the knot of memorial sprays clustered in one corner of the room and grabbed a standing arrangement of gladiolas and carnations. A familiar ladylike Southern drawl drew her up short.

“Adara Jean Corwin, what have you done to your hair?”

Startled, Addy dropped the flower arrangement. Elegantly coiffed and dressed in a tasteful linen suit and matching heels, Bitsy Corwin glared at her from the doorway.

“God, Mama, you scared the pea turkey out of me.”

“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, young lady, and answer my question. What on earth have you done to your hair?”

Addy lifted the wire frame with care and placed the arrangement at one end of the casket. She whirled and trotted across the room for another. Always make yourself a moving target. That much she’d learned. Stand still and you were dead meat. “Nothing, Mama, it was like this when I woke up this morning.”

Addy felt her mother’s laser vision bore into her back and picked up the pace. It was no use, she was done for. She felt her liver curl and her lungs shrivel to husks under the heat of that maternal stare. The woman should be requisitioned by the government as a weapon of mass destruction, for Pete’s sake. She was a thermonuclear device. Point her at the enemy, and wham! Summa exstinctio maternus. Total extinction by the mama.

“Uh huh,” her mother said. “If you think I’m stupid enough to swallow that line, you got another think coming. Hair doesn’t turn white overnight unless you’re a mother—put those two sprays of roses over there . . . no, not there, further to the right . . . and we both know you’re not that. Don’t even have a boyfriend, though Lord knows I’ve introduced you to every eligible bachelor in town. You’re too picky, Adara Jean, and that’s the truth. I despair of having grandchildren.”

Oh, dear Gussie, her mother had whipped out the grandchildren card. Next came the wilting ovaries speech. Addy’s, of course. At fifty-five her mother had long since sailed down the menopausal highway. Holding a peace lily in front of her like a shield, Addy turned. “You have two beautiful grandchildren, Mama, or are you forgetting about Shep?”

“You two talking about me again? You can’t help yourselves, can you?” Addy’s big brother Shep stood in the doorway dressed in the somber hues of the professional undertaker. Shep’s permapressed blond hair was as neat and crisply starched as the spotless white shirt he wore. He smiled and walked over to Addy. “Hey, Cotton Top, what’s with the new do? You look kind of like that Tempest chick from X-Men.”

“You mean Storm,” Addy murmured.

“Yeah, that’s it, Storm.”

“It’s dreadful.” Mama shuddered. “Peroxide blonde. I can’t imagine what possessed her. The roots are going to be a nightmare.”

“Hello, I can hear you.” Addy waved a hand at them. “Remember me, the Invisible Woman? I’m standing right here.”

It was a waste of time. Her two nearest and dearest went on talking about her like she wasn’t in the room. Nothing new about that. Shep was Mama’s right-hand man, had been for fifteen years since Daddy died. Mama always went to Shep when she had a “problem” with Addy. Translation: Addy wouldn’t do what Mama wanted. Good old Shep, he always went to bat for her. Calmed Mama down and got her off Addy’s case. Nothing fazed Shep, not even Mama. And that was saying something, ’cause Mama could piss off the Pope. Shep was as laid back as a rat in a quaalude factory. Shep, the Teflon Man, the perfect son; the one who stayed to run the family business. Unlike Addy, who’d hauled boogie out of Dead Folks Be Us as soon as she could.

“Relax, Mama, it’s a wig,” Shep said. “You know Addy wouldn’t bleach her hair.”

“Oh, thank heavens. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that myself. I was so upset. You’re right, son. Of course it’s a wig.”

Oh, so she believed Shep, but not her? Peachy. Still, it was her way out. Keep her mouth shut and let Mama think she wore a wig. No scenes, no recriminations, no long-suffering looks. Be quiet and go with the flow.

Addy set the peace lily down with the other potted plants in front of the casket.

“It’s not a wig,” she heard herself say. What was the matter with her? Was she nuts? “It’s my hair and, no, Mama, I did not bleach it. And I’m sorry if you don’t like it, because it’s going to stay this way. I’m not sure I could change it if I wanted to.”

Shep chuckled. “She’s kidding, Mama, pulling your leg. Hair doesn’t grow six inches overnight.”

Her mother’s lips thinned. “Stop kidding around, young lady, and take that wig off right this minute before folks start to arrive. You want people to think you’re cheap?”

“Cheap? That’s not fair, Mama,” Shep said. “I think Sis looks gorgeous. That pale blond hair with her brown eyes is a killer combination.”

Her mother’s expression softened. “Well, of course she’s gorgeous. She’d look good with a chicken on her head, but that’s beside the point. Everybody will be looking at that wig. We don’t want to take away from Dwight’s Big Day.”

“Big day?” Addy stared at her mother. “The man’s not having a party, Mama. He’s dead. And you can be darn sure he won’t care what color my hair is!”

“But his family might, Adara. It’s our job to make a painful time easier for them. So, for the last time, take off that wig.”

Something snapped inside Addy. She danced up and down in front of the casket. More of a lopsided jig thanks to her broken shoe. “And for the last time, I’m telling you it’s not a wig!” She grabbed her hair in both hands and yanked. “See, it won’t come off. Here, Mama, pull on it yourself, since you don’t believe me.”

She knew she must look like a crazy person with her wild hair and her raggedy shoes. The very least she expected was a lecture from the Mom-i-nator. Never mind that she wasn’t using her inside voice. She was dancing right smack dab in front of Old Man Farris’s bone bucket, and he was a good Southern Baptist. Well, maybe good was a bit of a stretch. The man was a serial adulterer, after all. His tally whacker had been handled more than a FedEx package. But Dwight Farris never danced, unless you counted the horizontal mambo, so doing the funeral home bop in front of his casket was definitely uncool.

But, to her surprise Mama and Shep did not say a word. Her first real hissy fit since the age of thirteen when Mama made her go to the country club Christmas dance with Pootie Jones—dubbed Pootie by folks because of the dooky-scented cloud of effluvium that hovered around him like rush hour smog over Mexico City—and neither one of them paid her any mind. They stared at the casket behind her, their faces all waxy and funny. Shep looked rattled, and that in and of itself scared Addy. Nothing rattled Shep. Shep was so cool his boxer shorts were refrigerated. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. She should look. She knew she should look. She did not want to look. Look and she’d get dead man cooties on her eyeballs. Gross.

She looked anyway.

The casket was empty. The white satin lining bore the imprint of the body, but Dwight Farris was gone.

“Where’d he go?” Shep sounded stunned.

Her mother turned an accusing glare on her. “Addy, did you do something with Mr. Farris?”

“Sure, Mama, I got him right here in my back pocket. Of course I didn’t do anything with him! What do you think I would do with him?”

“I’ve never lost a body before.” Shep’s tone was conversational. “Oh, sure, one or two have hit the floor while I was working on them. But I figure bodies are like Oreos and the ten-second rule applies. No big deal. But this . . .” He shook his head. “I don’t know what to do about this.”

“Maybe it’s somebody’s idea of a prank,” Addy suggested, desperate to help Poor Shep. He looked so forlorn. “You know, like when the seniors roll the mayor’s yard at homecoming.”

“You think somebody stole Old Man Farris?” Shep groaned. “Oh, Lord, I wonder if Corwin’s is liable. I’d better call Sammy Gordon down at Bama Farms and check on our coverage.”

Great, she’d made things worse. Way to go, Addy.

Her mother shot her a basilisk glare. “Don’t you worry about it, son. We’ll find him. He can’t have gone far.”

“Find who?”

The three of them jumped like they’d been shot, and spun around. Shirley Farris, Dwight’s wife, stood in the doorway. Everything about Shirley was round, her face, her bright blue eyes, her melon-shaped breasts and wide hips. She was a round little blueberry of a woman in a belted Sunday dress and orthopedic shoes. Her gray hair was round, too, worn in tightly permed sausage curls that bounced when she walked. She was as soft and plump as a newly risen yeast roll, a cherubic Southern Mrs. Santa Claus with rosy cheeks, a double chin, and a tiny pink bow of a mouth. If the Teletubbies had a mom, it would be Shirley Farris. Addy could see her tripping across the sterile, green golf course Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po called home.

“Find who?” Shirley repeated. She tilted her head and widened her baby doll eyes at them. “Is something wrong?”

Mama’s mouth worked, but nothing came out. Beside her, Shep made strangling noises. Great, both of them down for the count. Addy took a deep breath and gave Mrs. Farris a bright smile.

“Wrong is maybe too harsh a word, but we do have the teensiest, little situation here with Mr. Farris.”

A tiny, adorable wrinkle formed in the space between Shirley’s brows. “Oh, dear, was the blue suit too small? He has put on a few pounds in the last few years. Maybe we should have gone with the gray.”

“No, ma’am, the suit is not the problem.” Addy looked past Shirley’s plump figure. The rest of the family was gathered in the hall for the visitation . . . visitation for a dead man who’d taken a powder. Oh, Lord, things were about to get ugly. Addy waited, hoping—no, expecting—her take-charge mom to leap in and take over. But, for once, Bitsy seemed content to let her daughter do all the talking. Huh? Who would’ve guessed that all it took to shut Mama up was an itinerant corpse? Either that or she’d had a stroke. Addy forged ahead. “It’s—uh—like this. Mr. Farris is not exactly where we want him to be.”

“Where would you like him to be, dear?”

“In the casket, for starters.”

Plink, plink. Shirley blinked her doll-like eyes at them. “I don’t understand.”

“Neither do we. Mr. Farris is gone.”

“Gone?”

“Yes, ma’am, gone, as in ‘he ain’t here no more.’ ”

Shirley Farris clutched her pocketbook to her generous bosom. “Praise the Lord, he’s been raptured.”

Good grief.

“I don’t think so, Mrs. Farris. ’Course, I’m Episcopalian, and I’m pretty sure we don’t get raptured. But, Baptists get raptured, don’t they? So, I guess Mr. Farris could have been raptured, but we’re thinking it’s more likely someone took the body. Can you think of anybody who might have borrowed Mr. Farris for some reason?”

“No, I can’t thi—” The furrow in Shirley’s brow deepened. “Unless . . . No, no, she wouldn’t.”

Shep seemed to wake from his stupor. “She?” he said eagerly. “If you have any idea who did this, Mrs. Farris, you need to tell us. It’s a violation of state health law to be toting around a dead body, not to mention disrespectful to the dearly departed.”

“Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before! We should call the police,” Bitsy said.

“Not yet, Mama,” Shep said. “Let’s see what Mrs. Farris has to say first.” With an effort, he seemed to shake off his shock and became, once again, the consummate professional. “Mrs. Farris, what were you going to tell us?”

“We-l-l.” Shirley leaned closer. “You may not be aware of this, but Mr. Farris had a wandering eye.”

Wandering eye? With a struggle, Addy kept her face straight. All of Dwight’s parts wandered, especially his doodle. He had the wandering-est doodle in three states. His doodle had its own set of legs. His doodle was hardly at home. Heck, according to rumor Dwight Farris’s doodle was hardly ever in his pants.

“Course, now that he’s in heaven with Jesus, all his earthly sins are forgiven,” Shirley added.

“Yes, ma’am,” Addy said, “but Mr. Farris’s body isn’t in heaven. In fact, we don’t know where the Sam Hill he is, and that’s the problem. There’s a funeral scheduled in less than two hours, and we got no body. Do you have any idea where he might be?”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, dear.” Shirley’s pink mouth trembled. “My husband had a girlfriend, a painted hussy by the name of Bessie Mae Brown. Maybe she can tell you where Dwight is.”

“Did somebody say my name?” A middle-aged woman with Elvis Presley shoe-polish-black hair pushed her way into the room. She wore a lavender dress that strained across her generous breasts and thighs, and spiked purple heels. Rhinestones glittered on her long, manicured nails, and on the barrette she wore perched at a random angle on her stiffly teased and sprayed hair. She propped one hand on her hip and winked at Shep, then turned to address Mrs. Farris. “Hello, Shirley. Sorry for your loss.”

Show up at her married boyfriend’s funeral and offer condolences to the grieving widow as cool as you please. Wow, the woman had a major set. This was the funeral parlor version of a twenty-car pileup, and they were all caught in the twisted, metal wreckage. Fascinated and horrified, Addy looked over at Mrs. Farris. The widow looked like she wanted to blow groceries all over Bessie Mae Brown. Of course, being the Teletubbies’ mom, she’d probably blow marshmallows or Skittles. Addy’s stomach rumbled at the thought. Rainbow Skittles, or maybe Lucky Charms with all those little pink hearts and green clovers . . .

“What have you done with my husband, you Jezebel?” Shirley’s shrill voice recalled Addy to the nightmare.

“Me?” Bessie Mae’s heavily mascaraed eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

People in the hall heard the commotion and wandered into the room. A low, murmuring buzz began and grew as folks noticed the empty satin-lined box.

Shirley pointed a fat finger toward the casket. “I’m talking about the fact that my husband is missing. I want to know what you did with him.”

Bessie Mae teetered across the room on her four-inch heels. “Sugar Scrotum,” she cried. She flung herself on top of the metal box. “What have they done with you?”

Sugar Scrotum? Eww.

“Please, Ms. Brown.” Addy hurried over to the wailing woman. “This is highly inappropriate, not to mention downright tacky.”

She put her arms around Bessie Mae and tried to peel her off the casket.

“No!” Bessie Mae screeched and hung on tighter, kicking her purple heels. “I won’t go. Not until somebody tells me what happened to my sugar.”

“Oh, Lord have mercy, Jesus,” Shep groaned, relapsing. “What else?”

“I can’t take any more.” Addy’s mother toddled over to a chair. “Somebody tell me when it’s over.”

Shirley waved her pocketbook. “I got your sugar right here, Bessie Mae Brown,” she quavered in her Aunt Bea voice, “or at least the only part you cared about.”

A shiver of dread shot down Addy’s spine. She let go of Bessie Mae—the damn woman was stuck like a tick to the casket, anyway—and turned to look at Mrs. Farris.

“Uh oh,” she said when she saw the triumphant gleam in the widow’s china-blue eyes.

Bessie Mae must have had a premonition, too, because she unsuckered herself from the casket and turned around. “What have you done, Shirley?” she hiccupped.

Mrs. Farris opened her pocketbook and pulled out a ziplock baggie. Some kind of watery fluid smeared the inside of the see-through plastic. Formaldehyde, maybe. Addy tried not to think about the particulars of her brother’s work. At rest in the bottom of the bag like an abandoned hotdog was Dwight Farris’s one-eyed monster. Or, at least Addy hoped it was Old Man Farris’s one-eyed monster. She’d never met this particular monster . . . until now, thank goodness. As Addy stared, she could have sworn the thing winked at her.

“Your sugar’s not here, and even if we find him, he won’t be the same,” Shirley said. “What’s more, you won’t be diddling my husband in the afterlife. Nobody will, ’cause I got his winky right here. This winky is finally all mine, and it’s going to stay that a-way. I’m going to have it buried with me. I’m going to hold it in my cold dead hand. I’m taking this winky with me through the Pearly Gates. Not even Saint Peter’s prying this cold dead winky out of my hand. But maybe—if Dwight asks me real nice, mind you—I might let him have his winky back in the hereafter. But only on special occasions and only if he plays tiddley winks with me, and nobody else.”

“You crazy bitch!” Bessie Mae launched herself at Mrs. Farris.

Growling like a pack of dogs after a meat wagon, the two women hit the floor and wallowed around. The family gathered in a circle to watch the catfight. Shirley’s dress rolled up like a window shade, exposing her chubby behind. The moon was full, and it wore support hose and flowery granny panties.

“My eyes, my eyes.” Shep staggered back and collapsed into a chair beside his mother.

“Shep, don’t just sit there,” Addy cried. “Do something!”

“I can’t. All I can see is Shirley’s big flowery butt. I think my retinas may be permanently scarred.”

“Well, somebody has to do something. They’re going to murder each other.”

“Give me that weenie,” Bessie Mae screeched, making a grab for the baggie in Shirley’s hand.

Shirley slammed her fist into the side of Bessie Mae’s head. “You stay away from this weenie, Bessie Mae Brown. This weenie’s been Fabreezed and Cloroxed. I like to never got your coochie juice off it.”

“Mercy,” Bitsy Corwin moaned, and slid off the chair and onto the floor.

“Mama!” Addy rushed over. “Shep, what’s the matter with her?”

Shep’s shoulders shook. He lifted his head. Tears streamed down his face. “Fainted,” he gasped. “I think it was hearing the words ‘coochie’ and ‘juice’ in the same sentence.”

Bessie and Shirley crashed into the flowers in front of the casket.

“My flowers!” Addy cried. “Shep, call the police before they wreck the whole place over Dwight Farris’s ding dong.”

Shep whooped and fell out of his chair.

Addy grabbed a vase of cut flowers off the lacquered chinoiserie table by the door. She was standing over Shep and Mama pouring water on them when Brand stalked into the room.