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CHAPTER 5

Mind, heart and soul in pregnancy

Pregnancy often turns out to be quite an emotional rollercoaster and, in fact, it’s normal to feel more emotional during pregnancy or to feel exceptionally stressed. You may feel irritable, angry, anxious, tearful and as though you simply need your personal space back.

THE EMOTIONS OF PREGNANCY

Sometimes moodiness is worse during first pregnancies because of the unexpectedly huge adjustment. Other times, subsequent pregnancies are worse because you’ve already got a small child who drains your resources, and perhaps the people around you are less understanding and supportive, thinking you’ve “been there, done that!”

The fluctuations in hormone levels definitely contribute to emotional swings, but these tend to settle somewhat by the end of the first trimester. There are other factors to consider too:

•Pregnancy is an overwhelming experience in many ways, and poses a challenge physically, mentally and emotionally. Your body, mind and emotions have never been anywhere near this before, and every facet of your life is affected. Some women handle this better than others, but it can lead to tears, anxiety and even depression in pregnancy.

•Women often feel very alone when pregnant. Even those close to a pregnant woman don’t always offer the support she really needs. Partners don’t always understand just what these changes mean – a woman can hardly forget for a moment that she’s pregnant and that her life is changing forever, whereas he probably still forgets about it for long periods when he’s busy with other activities.

•Close female relatives and friends often discourage a pregnant woman with anxiety-provoking stories about pregnancy and birth. This anxiety is mostly about pain and how to deal with it, and often also about the effects of birth on one’s body. It is very sad that women think that a typical “normal” hospital delivery with all the usual procedures is the same as a “natural” birth. Remember, so-called “normal” vaginal delivery and a caesarean section are not your only options and natural birth (as Mother Nature intended) is beautiful and empowering. Giving birth may need you to dig deep but you are made to be able to give birth well! Read more about birth and pain relief options in the next section and you will see that there are a wide range of resources you can rely on to ease your experience.

•If you work, you have to keep up with your job as well as being a 24-hour baby-making factory. This can also make one feel rather weepy, especially if you aren’t sleeping well, are generally a sensitive person or you tend to be a perfectionist.

Extra tender loving care and nurturing from those close to you (and you will have to try to explain your feelings, using some of the ideas suggested here) will help a lot. Also be kind to yourself and take things a little easier. This is a more “feminine” and sensitive phase in your life and you’re supposed to be more emotional!

SPECIAL PREGNANCY STRESS RELIEVERS

There are a number of stress-relieving techniques that can benefit everyone, not just pregnant women. Turn to them when you notice that your stress levels are on the rise or if you are someone who becomes anxious or uptight easily.

Tongue trick

Sit in a comfortable chair, gently close your eyes but resist the impulse to go to sleep. Rest the tip of your tongue against the fleshy part of your upper gum just above and behind your front top teeth. You will feel how your facial bones and muscles immediately realign, leaving your face and neck feeling relaxed. This is often one of the first areas to register tension. Migraine and other headache sufferers profit enormously from this very simple yet effective technique. Try to empty the mind of all angry and resentful thoughts while you do this, for maximum effect.

Magic mini-massage points

Sit comfortably and, using your index finger, gently and slowly massage the point between your eyebrows using a circular motion. Massage your temples too. Now, using an up-and-down curvy motion, lightly massage behind your ears. This will help induce peaceful sleep and relaxation.

Visit nature often

Very few people do not respond positively to the inherently relaxing, soothing and energising effects of a picnic under a tree, sitting alongside a lake, breathing in the fresh aroma of rain while walking barefoot through puddles, and so on. Make this a priority and Mother Nature will help you cope better with the stresses and strains of pregnancy.

Music

Make music a habit, in the background as you work, in your car and frequently in the home as you go about your daily life. Different people respond to different kinds of music and there are no absolute guidelines about what music is the most soothing and inspirational – choose whatever relaxes you best.

If you still feel depressed and nothing seems to improve matters, here are three things you can do to help yourself:

1.Take a homeopathic remedy for safe self-help, as often as you like – you cannot overdose on homeopathy and Baby will not be affected.

2.Use the many resources found on the Sister Lilian Centre website: www.sisterlilian.co.za.

3.Contact the Postnatal Depression Support Association as they also advise on depression during pregnancy. Go to www.pndsa.org.za or call 082 882 0072.

You don’t need to worry too much about how heightened stresses, strains and emotionality will affect Baby though. Newborn babies may be a little more restless and colicky if their moms are very unhappy or stressed during pregnancy, but usually no more than that.

MAKING LOVE IN PREGNANCY

Your pregnancy shouldn’t affect your love life adversely – in fact, it is often far better! If you have a normal, healthy pregnancy, it’s completely safe for you to make love. Here are a few perspectives to consider:

It might feel different physically

During pregnancy, you’ll have increased blood flow to your pelvic region, which means you’ll experience heightened sensation in the genitals. This generally means more pleasure, but may feel a little painful for a few women – relax, enjoy the hormonal high and you might just find that lovemaking has never been better. Your breasts may be very tender too but generally, the more caring and tender your relationship, the better the experience of lovemaking during pregnancy will be. However, if you’re unhappy or anxious, you could experience inadequate lubrication and even pain.

You may notice a change in libido

This could go either way – you may notice a greatly increased desire to make love, or sex may become the last thing you feel like. There are many factors involved here, including:

•Pregnancy symptoms: Fatigue, nausea, aches and pains, swollen limbs, heartburn… None of these really generates passion, does it?

•Shyness about your changing body: Most men find a woman’s changing shape delightful and interesting, so try not to worry about this.

•Anxiety about upcoming motherhood: This can usually be overcome with open communication and goodwill.

Remember, there is more to intimacy than just sex – cuddling, talking, kissing and even going on a date night can all go a long way to ensuring a little pregnancy passion.

Your partner may have reservations about sex

Many men think that lovemaking during pregnancy will hurt the baby. Others feel embarrassed, almost as if the baby is watching them! Men generally don’t talk about these fears, so take the initiative and let him know you’re keen to make love and that it’s fine to do so. It really is, if you’ve been given the all clear.

You may need to experiment a bit

Most couples will need to find positions other than man-on-top, because as your belly swells, it may become too uncomfortable, and your partner should avoid pressing too hard on your belly. This could be a fun way to spark up your relationship!

In addition, there are some common concerns expectant couples have about lovemaking, including the following five:

•Q1. Is it safe to make love during pregnancy? Yes it is, if you and your baby are healthy, you have no abnormal vaginal discharge or your doctor hasn’t asked you to abstain. You won’t hurt your baby; just take care that not too much pressure is put on your abdomen.

•Q2. Will making love during late pregnancy initiate labour? This is partly true, because the release of the hormone oxytocin can initiate contractions, but it won’t induce labour before Baby and your body are ready.

•Q3. What causes bleeding after making love? This can be caused by a raw patch in your vaginal wall, or by a low-lying placenta. The former should heal spontaneously, but if it’s related to an infection, it will need treatment. A low-lying placenta needs to be diagnosed by your doctor, who might ask you to avoid lovemaking for a while. If bleeding doesn’t stop or there are any other symptoms, like a change in Baby’s movements, fever or pain in the womb area, immediately report this to your doctor or midwife, who will determine whether it’s safe for you to make love for the rest of your pregnancy. You should also tell your doctor if you notice any abnormal discharge, a change in Baby’s movements or pain in your womb, or if you feel unwell in any way.

•Q4. What do I do about pain during lovemaking? Pain during sex is seldom an indication that something’s wrong, although if there are other worrying symptoms, you should see a doctor. If you’re anxious, the pain could be caused by tension of your vaginal muscles, or because there’s inadequate lubrication. Relax now you know it is mostly safe and use an approved lubricant to ease any discomfort.

•Q5. What do I do if we’re not making love at all anymore? Ask yourself why not. You may be tired due to pregnancy hormones or perhaps you’re insecure about your changing body. Make an effort to set time aside for intimacy, and remember that most men find a woman’s changing shape attractive. Communication is key – let him know that you’re keen to make love and that it’s safe to do so, and this can be overcome.