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CHAPTER THREE

The trouble with reality!

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. Decouvertes

It’s only during the past few years that I have started to think about the true nature of my thoughts. Previously, everything I thought and believed was supposedly true and I had never really questioned anything before. It rarely crossed my mind that what I read in the media or in books, or saw on TV, may not always be true, and of course, things that my parents told me as a child (apart from the existence of Santa), were absolutely true because my parents are good people.

During my late thirties, when I was undertaking training to become a professional life and workplace coach, I suddenly became aware of an amazing thing – beliefs may not be true. A fabulous insight that completely changed my world. Recognising that my reality is based upon what I think, and what I think may not be true, opened up a new world of possibilities for me.

It’s worth exploring this subject further so that you may gain more insight into an understanding of your own thinking, and why questions become even more important. Therefore, I’d like to spend some time in developing an understanding about beliefs and where most of our beliefs come from.

At an early age, we are exposed to influential people, and, given that our mind is like a sponge, we ‘soak up’ everything that we are told without question. We have no basis upon which to challenge or question, and most of our early beliefs come from our parents and close family members.

To give you an example, I found myself telling someone that I didn’t like the word ‘belly’ and preferred to use ‘tummy’. When I was questioned about my reason for this preference, I found that I did not have a good reason other than that was the word my mum had always used. How often do you hear yourself speaking and realise it’s not you talking, instead it’s one of your parents? We have so many unconscious beliefs that are driving our lives, but we rarely stop to question whether they are something we want to believe, or choose to include in our own reality.

In addition to beliefs being passed on to us, we are also influenced by other sources such as the media, our culture, workplaces, religion, and of course our own experiences. For example, if I put my finger in a flame then it will hurt and so I learn not to do this again. That said I used to believe that if I walked on hot coals I would burn my feet. Having undertaken a ‘fire walk’ several years ago without getting even the tiniest blister meant that this belief has been proven not to be true.

Some of our beliefs are formed and influenced in a manipulative way. The advertising world is well aware of this and will use powerful and persuasive techniques to influence our decision-making without us even knowing it’s happening. The suggestion that something like two out of every five children’s first word is likely to be a brand name is of great concern. No longer do they say “mama” or “dada” but things like “Nike” or “McDonald’s”.

I’m sure as I mention this you will recognise how frequently this manipulation is happening. When we are watching TV or listening to the radio we are bombarded by advertisements. Similarly, when waiting at traffic lights or watching sporting events, advertising appears on billboards and on electronic advertising devices, particularly when it is known that we have nowhere else to cast our gaze. When I recently dried my hands under an electric hand dryer, as soon as I placed my hands under the dryer, an advertisement appeared directly under my eye line. What will they think of next?

It can be quite concerning to become aware of how much our behaviour is driven by our beliefs. While travelling on a tram a few months ago a young girl aged about four years old and her mother sat near me. The little girl started to sing and it was beautiful to hear her voice. After a few minutes, a thought suddenly struck me – what would happen if I had started to sing? Whilst the very thought of it made me smile, as I don’t consider myself to be a good singer, I seriously thought about the consequences if I had begun to sing. Perhaps people would move to another seat, others might conclude that I was of a strange disposition, or that I was drunk. In any case, it is most unlikely that they would have appreciated my singing, and highly likely that I would be judged in a way that was not very positive.

Although it doesn’t worry me too much that I held back from singing on the tram because of our societal norms, it does worry me that there are likely to be other aspects of my life where, if I’m giving advice from my own belief system, I may be holding myself, or indeed others, back. This is where being conscious through better questions is important because we can start to identify what influences us in the choices we make and the way in which we live. Knowing what is the root cause of our decision-making gives us somewhere to go, not only in understanding ourselves, but also in challenging and changing what is happening, if that seems to be a good thing to do.

Not all beliefs are bad or limiting. Some beliefs will clearly support us and help us to be the successful people that we are today, so this isn’t about changing everything, this is about using questions to become aware of our limitations that we can choose to influence or change if we want to.

By being conscious of the right choices for us, we start being more in control and in the driver’s seat of our lives – able to live from the ‘inside out’ rather than the ‘outside in’. Questions will make us more conscious.

As previously mentioned, Socrates is known for his famous quote, “I cannot teach you anything, I can only make you stop and think.” His life was dedicated to making people more conscious of their thoughts with a view to supporting them to challenge their thinking and try to find the truth in an objective way. He did this through asking questions and even today, some people refer to a questioning technique as a ‘Socratic’ approach.

Unfortunately, the people of Socrates’ time did not appreciate the fact that his questions were meant to help them become more self-aware and to challenge their own way of thinking. People misunderstood his intentions and thought that Socrates was trying to outsmart them or prove them wrong, and he was sentenced to death for being too threatening.

I too have a passion for asking questions – it is about finding the truth and becoming more self-aware, it is not about proving someone else wrong.

I trust by now that you are starting to understand why it is important to begin to ask ourselves better questions. If beliefs and ways of thinking go unchallenged, we will continue to think as we’ve always thought and as a result we will do what we’ve always done, and nothing will change. Somewhere along the line, we need to break the cycle and confront our perception of reality by challenging the way we think, if we want to change.

Several years ago, I came across a verse that is an interesting, but potentially confronting, read in that it clearly says that our reality is totally subjective and driven by how we think. I have reproduced this with the permission of the author and it summarises the concerns I have shared so far very well. Enjoy.

Reality is what we take to be true

What we take to be true is what we believe

What we believe is based upon our perceptions

What we perceive depends upon what we look for

What we look for depends upon what we think

What we think depends upon what we perceive

What we perceive determines what we believe

What we believe determines what we take to be true

What we take to be true is our reality

Gary Zukav, The Dancing Wu Li Masters:

An Overview of the New Physics, Harper Collins.