Читать книгу Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage - Linn Halton B. - Страница 12

Picking up Joe is always a bittersweet moment. It’s great to know I have some quality time with him and yet the handover is always upsetting. What I wish is that we could have family time together, all three of us. It can’t happen, I know, as whatever was good between Anita and me has completely disappeared. Maybe it’s just too soon to expect her to be able to put her feelings to one side to join in our fun. But I always try.

‘We’re going swimming, would you like to come?’

She looks directly at me, raising one eyebrow with disdain.

‘Swimming? You know the chlorine isn’t good for my hair. I think I’ll pass. Besides, I’m meeting up with a friend at the mall to do some shopping. Goodness knows, I don’t get much time to myself and I deserve a few hours off.’

I’m such a fool, I didn’t mean to upset her, or make her feel guilty for grabbing a few carefree hours. I just thought … hoped—

‘No, it’s fine. I understand. I thought I’d ask, as you know what Joe’s like. He loves splashing about in the water and it’s great fun.’

The eyebrow doesn’t lower and I hold Joe up for a goodbye kiss. She hugs him close, plants a kiss on his forehead and says, ‘Mumma loves you. See you later, little guy.’

I know she’s pulled between the sadness of letting him go and the desire to grab some precious me time. It’s different for the guys, isn’t it? Most men don’t even consider that when a baby arrives it’s a truly life-changing event being a mum. It’s often something we take for granted. We tend to dip in and out of our kids’ lives, a lot of men still being the traditional main provider. And even when both parents are working, I wonder how many men jump out of bed in the middle of the night when the kids start crying? I like to think I did my share, but Anita was always awake before me and out of bed before it registered with me that Joe was even awake. Perhaps it’s all down to how we are wired up.

Joe wriggles, clearly eager to be put down and for us to get on our way. He looks up at me expectantly as I grasp his little hand in mine.

‘Swimming, Joe?’

He nods. ‘Water,’ he says in that sing-songy little voice of his. It sounds more like ‘vauta’, but his words are getting much easier to understand as the weeks go by. Apparently he’s a little behind on his speech, considering he’s now seventeen months old, but my mum says boys are often like that. Girls, apparently, are much quicker to talk.

‘Right, little man. We have one job to do on the way to the pool. Daddy has to drop something off as Granddad forgot, so we’re taking the scenic route and going via the forest. Trees, Joe? Wanna see some big trees?’

Joe nods enthusiastically, although I’m not sure he understands. You don’t get many big trees in the middle of a busy town, so I hope he’s going to love the detour.

He’s happy enough in his car seat and as we leave behind the built-up area of town and the landscape changes, he’s fascinated by the open fields.

‘Look Joe, sheep!’

‘Eep.’ He repeats, pulling his finger out of his mouth and pushing the wet digit against the car window. ‘Eep.’ A once-clean window is now covered in smears and it makes me smile. Today I feel like a dad again.

As we pull up outside Bay Tree Cottage, I unclip Joe from the seat and he claps his hands. ‘Baa, baa,’ he shouts. He thinks we’re going to look at the sheep up close.

‘No, Joe. But we are going to see a great view.’

I grab the roll of flashing from the boot and walk down to the cottage, both arms full. Then I realise I need to ring the doorbell, but the lead is even heavier than Joe. Just as I’m considering my dilemma the door opens and it’s Maya.

‘Hi, Maya. I’m just dropping this off and wondered if your mummy was around?’

‘Baba,’ Joe says, not wanting to be left out.

‘Maya’s a big girl, Joe. You’re the baba.’

Maya laughs. ‘He’s funny and cute!’ She reaches out and he grabs her hand. Elana walks up behind Maya, smiling.

‘Ah, what a sweetie. Who is this little chap?’

‘His name is Joe.’

‘Mum. Can he come in and play, please?’

Elana looks at me and then smiles down at Maya.

‘I think that’s rather up to Luke.’

She tilts her head in my direction, clearly quite happy to invite us in.

‘Well, I didn’t mean to interrupt your day. I was just going to ask if I could store this in the hallway. I’ll need it on Monday and it’s not something I can leave outside. It’s just that I don’t have the van at weekends.’ I turn my gaze in the direction of Joe.

‘Oh, sorry. That’s heavy and you have your hands full. Step inside, please. I’ll put the kettle on.’

Elana disappears and I put Joe down. At first he clings to my leg, but Maya starts talking to him and, before I know it, he’s toddling after her as she encourages him inside.

I’m relieved to dump the roll of lead as I’m not sure how much longer I could have carried it. It’s only as I turn to enter the cottage that I notice the photo on the windowsill. It’s Elana and her husband. I recognise him from her screensaver; he’s holding Maya, who is probably only a few weeks old.

‘What will Joe drink?’

Elana’s voice catches my attention and I quickly check on the kids before I join her in the kitchen.

‘Water will be fine. He’s not very good with a cup still, but he’s okay if I hold it for him.’

She hands me a mug of coffee and carries a tray through into the sitting room.

‘Take a seat, Luke. So, do you babysit often?’

Maya is on the floor showing Joe one of the apps on her iPad. There’s a small monkey running around collecting bananas and as they both stab their fingers at the screen, he runs faster and faster.

‘Sort of, he’s my son, actually.’

Elana takes the seat opposite me, a look of mild surprise on her face.

‘Oh, I didn’t realise you were a family man.’ Her face looks a little flushed.

‘I’m older than I look,’ I retort. Her cheeks are now beginning to glow. ‘It’s complicated. We split up when Joe was six months old. I have him every Saturday.’

Quiet ensues as we both turn our attention to taking sips of coffee that is way too hot to drink. Maya and Joe are having lots of fun and now they have crayons and a colouring book.

‘Just make sure he keeps his crayon on the paper, Maya. He’s still learning the rules.’ Maya smiles back at me as Joe does a squiggle all over a Christmas tree she drew for him.

‘That’s sad,’ Elana says after a few minutes have elapsed.

‘Yeah, well, it wasn’t my decision. But you know what it’s like, life has to go on.’ The moment I finish speaking I realise that she might think I was referring to her situation, too. She probably doesn’t realise I know, so now I’m the one feeling embarrassed. I glance across at her and our eyes meet.

‘It certainly does,’ is all that she says. There’s no emotion in her voice, though, and no hint of acknowledgement beyond the obvious. It’s a relief, as I have to remember she’s a client.

‘He’s a happy little chappie, so you must be doing something right. It’s hard for the kids when things go wrong. It’s a constant worry, isn’t it?’

‘Yep. I don’t like to think of him paying the price for our mistakes. But you’re right, he is happy most of the time. Sometimes on handover he wails when I have to leave and that breaks my heart.’

‘Do you want to try him with his drink?’ Elana holds out the plastic cup.

I take it and hold it out to Joe. He immediately toddles over and with his hand on one handle, and mine on the other, he drinks half of it in one go.

‘Ta,’ he mutters and then heads straight back to Maya and the colouring book.

‘Aww … he’s a little darling. I can’t really remember Maya at that age; I’d have to look back at the photos. I vaguely remember that every time she tried to pick something up off the floor she would topple over. Her head seemed to be heavier than her body for ages, as she was very slim. She constantly walked around with a forehead that looked like she’d been fighting!’

We laugh and for some reason Joe decides to join in, which makes Maya laugh, too.

‘Look, I really didn’t intend to disrupt your day and we’d better get off. I’m taking Joe swimming and then we’re going to visit my parents. Thanks so much for the coffee and I’ll be here at seven on Monday. The weather forecast is dry but overcast, so fingers crossed I can get that lead work sorted and then make a start on the repointing.’

‘It’s been a real pleasure and Maya has enjoyed playing with Joe. Next door are away this weekend and she’s missing the company of her friend.’

‘It must be nice having a best friend living next door. Lucky too, given this location. I haven’t seen many other kids around.’

As I scoop Joe up and he gives Maya a big wave, we head out to the front door.

‘It’s one of the drawbacks when you have kids, but we thought the benefits outweighed the negatives. It’s safe for them to play outside, there isn’t much passing traffic, and nature in all its glory is literally on the doorstep.’

I don’t think Elana realises she said we and I pretend not to notice. I guess it’s hard to switch from being one half of a happy couple to being a widow. Even the word itself sounds grim and it doesn’t suit her. Grief is a process, I believe, so I’m sure it’s not easy going through each stage. I suppose splitting up with someone is quite similar in some respects. I’m grieving for what could have been and still trying to work out what to do next.

As I strap Joe back into his car seat I can’t help thinking that this is the sort of life I’d envisioned for my family. I just thought it was a few years away and by then I’d be financially secure. Instead, it’s all one big sorry mess. They do say you get the life you deserve and I guess Anita and I aren’t being punished, but paying the price for letting life sweep us along. No baby should be a surprise, it should be something that is planned. My aim now is to make sure I keep them both as happy as I can, given the circumstances.