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Introduction

Imagine for a moment sitting in your car in the parking lot of a busy Denny’s restaurant around five o’clock in the afternoon. You haven’t slept or eaten much in the last two weeks. You’re dealing with dehydration because you’ve cried every tear your body could possibly produce, yet somehow you could still cry a river at the drop of a hat.

This was me back in August 1993. I was sitting in my car, mustering up the courage to go inside that restaurant and meet with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Two weeks before this day, he had walked out and filed for divorce. He had lived a double life for our entire marriage. I had also lost three children in miscarriage by this point, and after surgery to correct the problem I was told by doctors I was sterile. I now had a less than 1 percent chance of ever conceiving a child. The pain I felt was so heavy in my heart, it felt as if it would physically crush me.

The priest who had been counseling me during those two weeks had been very compassionate, but he also told me I had to ask my husband to consider reconciliation. At first, I was insulted and offended at the suggestion. After all, I was not the one who had left! I was not the one who had been unfaithful! What in the world would possess me to put myself in such a vulnerable position? How humiliating! But the more I thought about it, the more I knew Father Joe was right. I knew that if I didn’t at least throw the offer of reconciliation out there, I would always look back and wonder, “What if?” What if I could have done more to save my marriage?

My heart was pounding so hard I thought I would have a heart attack. My hands were shaking, and I didn’t know if I would be able to talk, but I had convinced myself that I had to do this. So I went inside and sat down at the table and waited for him. When he arrived, I could see he had visibly changed. The man I married was gone, and now someone very cold and indifferent was in his place.

That was probably the most painful conversation I have ever had, and I will never forget it. My request was declined. There was no going back. Soon, regardless of the fact that I took my vows seriously and had married for life, the no-fault divorce laws would ensure that I would be divorced.

The next few years for me were like wandering in the desert, never finding an oasis. I made a lot of mistakes during that period of my life, choices that only brought more pain. I blamed my ex-spouse for everything, even two years later, which made me a victim. And the sad truth is, victims never heal. They just stay stuck in their misery.

And then came an epiphany of sorts — I realized I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I didn’t like this version of myself. I didn’t like being a victim. So I decided I would change. Part of that change was starting the annulment process. I had heard conflicting reports from various people about the annulment process — personal horror stories or warnings, mostly — but I felt compelled to give it a chance. I needed to restart my life, and if that were to happen I had to face the truth of my past.

I eventually received a decree of invalidity in 1997, and in June 2000 I got married in the Church to my husband, Jim. And despite what the doctors said, we have three beautiful, healthy teenagers. God has blessed me immensely!

I share that with you because you are likely reading this book because you or someone you know has gone through a divorce, and you are looking for answers about the Catholic annulment process. But, if I may guess, you don’t just want technical answers about the process. You want to know what the experience is like, yes? You’re seeking answers to deeper questions as I was. Questions like: How in the world did I end up here? How could God allow my marriage to end in divorce? Am I still accepted in my Church? And probably most importantly: Where do I go from here?

These are critical questions that deserve answers, and I’ve written this book in the hope of helping you find those answers. Some answers you will find in the black and white on these pages, and some you will find through self-reflection and prayer. As you read this book, the information will naturally cause you to pause, remember, and reflect on some pretty deep things. I always find that when this part of the healing process takes place, it is most helpful to unite those remembrances and reflections in conversation with God because he will illuminate your thought process and speak to your heart.

In the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes, we read a very bittersweet passage:

For everything there is a season, and a time

for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace. (Eccles 3:1–8)

This passage is bittersweet because at least half of it seems to negate our reasons for living. “A time to kill … a time for war … a time to tear down … a time to mourn” — these words directly contradict the sense of hope for the future that has been instilled in us since childhood. Life should be happy, and the promise of future happiness should never pale. But it does. Our lives are filled with crosses, big and small. The cross of divorce, in my opinion, is one of the heaviest you can bear. So I offer you these words of wisdom from Scripture, not to emphasize the tragedies that befall us, but to underscore the truth that with every suffering we encounter comes growth and refreshment. With every challenge, there can be triumph, for Ecclesiastes also promises “a time to heal … a time to laugh … a time to dance.”

And that is what God intends for you despite your divorce: personal triumph.

It begins with simply understanding that nothing you could ever do can make God love you less. It doesn’t matter if you initiated your divorce or if your ex-spouse did. God loves you as much today as the day he breathed life into your soul in your mother’s womb. Despite all the heartbreak of losing your marriage, God wants to heal you.

I speak from experience. I never wanted to be divorced, but it happened anyway. The pain I endured for so many years felt as though it should have killed me, and at times I thought it would. But it didn’t. And the very fact that it didn’t speaks of the great hope there is for each of us. If the pain and suffering is so terrible that it feels as though you’ll die, but you continue to live, it means there is hope, there is a future, and God still has good things in store for you.

But how do you go from being desperately miserable to happy again? One very important step you can take is the Catholic annulment process. In my experience, although it was difficult to sift through the details of my failed marriage and revisit painful memories, it changed me. It helped me become a better, wiser, stronger person. It helped me accept the truth of what had happened and recognize that, although I fought for my marriage, I had contributed to the divorce. I had not been a perfect spouse. This was very freeing for me. And in the end, it helped me come to terms with the fact that we never had a valid marriage in the eyes of God. That’s what the annulment process does: it brings clarity on all fronts. These are the reasons why I encourage you to consider going through this healing process yourself.

Not every divorced Catholic is required to go through the annulment process — only those who want to remarry in the Church. If you don’t see yourself ever marrying again, you are not compelled to apply for the annulment process. Yet you still might consider doing it for a few important reasons. First, going through the annulment process offers a level of healing that is unique and difficult to find through any other means. Also, the annulment process offers you the opportunity to know without a doubt where you stand with the Church after your divorce. Everyone deserves the chance to have this confirmation and clarity. There are spiritual and eternal ramifications to divorce and annulment. That is precisely why the Catholic Church offers the annulment process, so that you can look beyond what a civil court has ruled and the social implications of divorce to what the actual spiritual reality may be.

Just thinking about starting the Catholic annulment process can be very confusing. There is a lot of material out there, and much of it is unhelpful. Myths and misinformation have been perpetuated for many years, and too many people — both within the Church and outside — have accepted them as truth. Following Pope Francis’ changes to the annulment process in 2015, and the inaccurate reporting from the secular media about what those changes entailed, things have gotten even more puzzling, and it can be tough to know where to look for answers.

Rest assured, you are not alone in seeking answers. There are millions of Catholics, both divorced and non-divorced, who do not understand what the annulment process is all about. And because this is truly a legal process within the Church, the language is not necessarily easy to grasp. As a result, people don’t feel comfortable looking to the primary sources for information, and they fall prey to the wide range of myths and misinformation that others, who also do not understand, have circulated.

It is my hope that in reading this book, you will not only receive the answers you are seeking but also a greater sense of the hope and healing that can come from going through the annulment process.