Читать книгу Paper Butterflies - Lisa Heathfield - Страница 6

‘Drink it.’ She’s holding the glass out to me. It’s so full that if she tipped her hand just a bit the water would trickle down the side. ‘Now.’

‘But I’m not thirsty.’ I want my voice to be big, but it’s just a whisper.

Kathleen bends so low that her eyes are level with mine. Her eyelashes are black. The blusher on her cheeks is too red, like two little apples sitting in puddles of cream.

‘Drink it,’ she says again.

My bladder is full. She hasn’t let me use the toilet since I got up this morning and I’ve already had my glass of warm milk.

I reach out my hand. I wish I didn’t touch her cold fingers as she passes it to me.

She watches as I bring the glass to my mouth, as I tilt it against my lips and begin to drink. My throat tries to squeeze shut. My body doesn’t want it. But the water flows down and into my stomach.

‘All of it.’ She’s smiling at me, the way she does. The way no one else ever sees. As though I’m a mouse caught in her trap and she is the cat and she’s got me.

I finish the glass and my bladder is stinging.

‘I need the toilet,’ I say. I know she’s heard me, but she’s walking towards the sink and turning the faucet on. The glass is filling up. Maybe it’s for her. Maybe she’s thirsty.

My stomach hurts as she comes towards me. She holds out her cold hand once again and I know what I must do.

I try to drink it quickly, but it’s so hard. It makes me ache and it burns my bladder. I step from side to side. She takes the empty glass.

‘I really need the toilet,’ I say.

‘Come on, you’ll be late for school.’ Her voice is almost sing-song. ‘I’ll do your hair quickly.’

I shake my head. The pain in my tummy is hurting my eyes.

Kathleen walks quickly out of the kitchen.

‘Megan,’ she calls up the stairs. ‘It’s time to go.’

Then she’s back, a red ribbon in her hands. She pulls my hair until my scalp stings. I can’t hold my bladder much longer.

‘Please, Momma,’ I say, trying to make my voice so sweet. Trying to sound just like Megan. ‘I’ll be quick. Please let me.’

She turns me to look into those eyes.

‘I’m not your momma,’ she says.

Megan is at the bottom of the stairs. She’s one year younger than me, but taller already. Her skin is as white as mine is black.

‘Quick, you’ll miss the bus.’ Kathleen bends to kiss her. ‘Have a good day.’

I take my coat from its peg and push my arms in. I try not to think of the hot ache in my bladder. If I concentrate on doing up my buttons, picking up my bag, then I can hold it in.

But it’s difficult to walk. Every step along the path to the pavement, I think it’ll be too late. I look up at the clouds. There’s one like an elephant. I trace the shape of its trunk with my finger. It’ll help me to forget. I can hear Megan walking beside me, but I won’t look at her. I’ll look at my elephant.

I’m ten tomorrow, I tell it. It moves slightly and its trunk begins to separate into tiny little pieces.

At the bus stop, there are other children. Megan goes to stand with them. She glances at me quickly.

I move from one foot to the other. I can’t hold it in.

The bus is coming. It turns the corner and pulls up alongside us. It’s as yellow as the sun. The sun, I tell myself, in the sky, with my elephant. Think of anything, anything but the need to go.

I let them all push each other up the steps. The boy called Greg with the broken nose is laughing so much that I can see his tongue moving. His mouth looks wet, so I look away.

I try to squeeze the muscles between my legs as I walk up the steps. Each movement makes my head pound.

The bus is almost full. I have to take my bag from my shoulder and hold it by my side. There’s a seat and I must sit down, but it squashes my stomach and I know I can’t hold it.

I scratch my arm, over and over. One two three one two three.

My arm stings, as I feel the wet between my legs. I can’t stop it. It soaks my skin and the seat underneath me. I feel it slide its warm path towards my shoes. If I looked down, I know I’d see it on the floor.

I sit still. I don’t move even the slightest bit. Just my eyes, which I close and wish that I was anywhere but here. That the seat I’m on would float off through the roof of the bus and take me away forever.

Paula is next to me. She doesn’t say a word. Maybe she hasn’t noticed. Her face is still pressed tight to the window. The pain in my bladder has gone. But soon I’ll have to stand up and everyone will know.

I could pretend that I’m sick. The bus driver would let all the other children off and he’d have to drive me home. He’d ask me why I did it. Why I didn’t use the toilet at home and I’d tell him. Everything. And he’d take me away from Kathleen and I’d never have to see her again. His wife would cry with happiness when she saw me and they’d lead me up to my own pink room, with my own desk, with colouring pencils sitting on the top.

The bus stops.

The children are getting out. The seats are emptying and Paula has picked up her bag and she’s ready to move.

‘All out,’ the bus driver calls.

‘Move,’ Paula says.

She knows, as soon as I stand up. I look back at the seat and the material is soaked through.

‘Ugh,’ she says, loud enough for others to turn and look. I put my bag on my shoulder and walk down the aisle. The wet sticks my skirt to my legs. I know that there’ll be a big dark patch. The smell is sharp and sits on my tongue.

I want to hold my head up, but I can’t.

‘Ugh. Stinks of piss,’ Ryan says. ‘Was it you, Lauren?’

‘No!’ she laughs, and swings her bag towards his head.

‘Well, someone’s pissed themselves.’ He ducks again, just in time. And he must see, because there’s a prod on my shoulder and although I don’t turn round I know it’s him.

‘Oi, Juniper. You’ve wet yourself.’

‘My name’s not Juniper,’ I say quietly as I keep walking.

‘You stink.’ And the girls with him laugh.

My wet legs rub against each other as I walk. With every step, my ankles can feel the stickiness. The canvas of my shoes rubs against my skin.

‘Do you need a diaper?’ Ryan says. I won’t look at him. I can’t let him see that I want to run far away from here.

We go through the school doorway and the corridor is swirling with people. I think I might cry, but I won’t let myself.

‘Ugh!’ the girls from the bus shout loudly. They squeeze their noses with their fingers. ‘Someone’s wet themselves.’ And they’re pointing at me and everyone is laughing as the bell rings.

‘You’ll have to come to class now,’ Ryan says. ‘You don’t want to get into trouble, do you?’

Somehow, I get to the classroom. Miss Hawthorne is already here. She’s sitting on her chair, talking to the children on the carpet in front of her. I go to my peg, take off my coat and hang it up. I hang up my bag too. When I turn round, all I can see is them pointing and sniggering and waving their fingers under their noses, their voices screwed up in disgust.

‘What is it?’ Miss Hawthorne asks. Her smile is warm, but she looks confused. My feet won’t move. I don’t know what to do, where to go.

‘June had an accident,’ Cherry says. They’re all laughing and looking at me. The smell of what I’ve done stings my skin.

Miss Hawthorne comes towards me. She knows, as soon as she comes close, that it’s true.

‘Come with me, June.’ We step outside the classroom, all eyes watching. Miss Hawthorne closes the door so they can’t hear us. And so I can’t hear them laughing. I look down at the floor. I feel myself blushing violently, but she will barely see it through my skin. I wish I could sink into the ground and never come back.

‘What happened?’ she asks kindly.

‘I couldn’t hold it in.’

‘You should have gone before you left home.’

‘Sorry.’ I won’t cry.

‘You’ll have to go to the nurse. She’ll sort you out with clean clothes. Then you can come back to class,’ she says. I look up at her. ‘I know it’ll be hard, but you have to come back. They’ll all have forgotten about it, you’ll see.’ Her hand is on my shoulder and she’s smiling, but I know she’s lying.

It’s quiet in the corridor. It’s just the sound of my feet, soft on the floor. I could walk along here, turn the corner, push open the door and never come back. I would survive – I know I would. I would hitchhike all the way to the coast and I’d meet a family on the beach. They would love me and they would be mine.

The nurse’s door is slightly open and I barely knock before I go in. She’s standing by the chair, shaking a thermometer. A girl sits with a bowl on her lap. Her skin is so white she looks dead, and I know I shouldn’t stare.

‘I’ll get the office to phone your mother,’ the nurse says briskly. ‘She’ll have to come and pick you up.’

‘She’s at work,’ the girl says.

‘Well, she’ll have to come back.’

The girl nods and hunches further over the bowl. The nurse squeezes past me, heads out of the door and is gone.

‘Are you OK?’ I ask the girl. She looks up at me briefly and turns away.

The window is pushed halfway up. Somewhere, someone is mowing a lawn. The hum stretches into the room.

I can hear the nurse coming back before I see her. Her shoes click on the polished floor.

‘Right. That’s sorted,’ she says.

And then she turns to me.

I could tell her, tell her the truth, tell her everything.

‘I need some clean clothes,’ I whisper. And now I know that she can smell my damp ones.

‘Right,’ is all she mutters as she reaches into a cupboard. She holds up some underpants and chooses a pair. ‘A little bit small, but they’ll have to do.’ She passes them to me. ‘Come over here and I’ll draw the curtain.’

I do as she says. I pull my wet underpants down. I don’t know what to do with them and she looks like she doesn’t want to touch them, so I put them on the floor.

I step out of my skirt. The material is damp to touch. I don’t want to look at the size of the wet patch that everyone has been laughing at. My shoes feel sticky. And the smell is glued to my skin.

‘Let’s wipe you down a bit,’ the nurse says. She’s at the sink, squeezing out a cloth and then using its warmth to clean me.

When she’s dried me, she helps me into another skirt. It’s tight over my legs and on my belly. I know what she thinks. It’s what everyone thinks.

The nurse picks up my clothes and puts them into a plastic bag. She ties a knot in the end of it and passes it to me. I’ll have to walk through the corridors holding it, but I can’t throw it away. I can’t go home without it.

‘Thank you,’ I say, and I look hard into her eyes. Please ask me, I beg her. Ask me now and I’ll tell you everything.

‘You’re really a bit old for this,’ she says. ‘Try not to let it happen again.’

And I’m gone, walking back to the class of circling sharks, my bag of clothes waiting to be hung like bait on my peg.

I wake up early the next morning, because it’s my special day. I imagine plucking the butterflies out of my belly and putting them in a box by my bed – I’d like to watch their colours, to see their wings beating against the glass.

The door opens and they’re all here. Kathleen, Megan and Dad. He promised he’d go into work late this morning.

‘Here’s the birthday girl,’ Kathleen says. Her hug is tight and smells of soap. She kisses me on the top of my head.

‘Ten years old today!’ my dad says ‘Here, hold this.’ His smile takes over his whole face as he passes me the end of some string.

‘That’s all you’re getting!’ Kathleen laughs, and my dad puts his hand in hers.

‘Follow it,’ he says. So I get out of bed and I pull on the string and I twist it into my palm as it leads me from my room.

It goes into Megan’s room and over her bed. They watch me from the doorway as I step over the mattress, pulling my nightdress over my knees. They all laugh excitedly as I follow the string around the chair and back out again.

‘So it’s not in there,’ my dad laughs. I don’t look at Kathleen and Megan. I don’t want them to spoil this.

The string goes down the stairs, into the kitchen. I gather it clumsily in my fist as I crawl under the table. Back across the hallway, into the living room.

And there it is.

Attached on the end is a shining new bike. It’s painted pink, with yellow handlebars. For a moment, I think my heart stops. I look up at my dad and try to speak. He puts his arm round my shoulders.

‘It’s all yours, pumpkin. You deserve it.’

‘You sure do,’ Kathleen says as she takes my hand and we go towards it. ‘Do you like it?’

‘Yes.’ I nod my head, over and over. ‘Can I touch it?’

My dad laughs. ‘Of course you can – it’s yours.’

It’s mine. It’s really mine.

I trace my fingers over the handlebars, down its cold frame and across the seat.

‘It’s got a bell,’ Megan says excitedly.

‘Yes,’ I say.

‘Well, you haven’t got time to try it now,’ my dad says. ‘But I promise I’ll take you out on it tomorrow.’ He leans over to kiss Kathleen. ‘I’ve got to go.’

I follow him to the front door and try to hold on to his hand as he puts on his coat.

‘Save me some cake from your birthday tea,’ he smiles. He picks me up and holds me, my feet hanging not far from the ground. ‘Your mom’d be so proud of you,’ he whispers into my hair.

Then he puts me down, quickly picks up his bag and is out of the door before he can hear my reply.

‘Thank you for my bike,’ I say quietly, and I imagine him smiling back.

‘Was it you?’ the bus driver asks when I step on. I look around and pretend that he’s not talking to me. ‘You decided to use my bus as a toilet?’

I shake my head.

You were going to save me. You were going to drive me away and I’d live with you and your wife.

‘It was you.’ Lauren pokes me as I carry on walking. ‘You’ve got underpants as stinky and wet as a fish.’ All around me, people pop their mouths open and closed like a million stranded fishes.

When I sit down, the boy next to me gets up, pushes past me and is gone.

I try to think of my new bike, sitting waiting for me at home. In my mind, it glows. And my dad is going to take me out on it tomorrow, just me and him.

‘No one likes you,’ the voice hisses from the gap in the seats behind me. I recognise it straight away. It’s Megan. I hear Anne giggle next to her.

I move along, so that I’m sitting next to the window. Outside, I look at the fields, blurring by in a patchwork. I’ll get on my bike and ride so far until I get so lost that I can’t find my way home.

‘Everyone hates you.’

But I won’t be scared. I’ll be happy. And then my dad, who’s been looking for me, will drive past me and stop.

I’ve changed my mind, he’ll say. Three years is enough time to live with Kathleen and Megan and now I want it to be just you and me. I’ve bought a new house. It’ll be just us. He’ll put my new bike in the back and we’ll drive and drive until no one else can find us.

‘You’d be better off dead,’ Megan says.

We all sit cross-legged on the carpet.

‘So,’ Miss Hawthorne says, ‘we have a birthday today.’

I feel the blood rushing up my cheeks as she smiles at me. I wish she didn’t know. She thinks that she’s being nice, but I don’t want to do this.

‘Come up to the front, June.’ She pats the empty chair beside her.

She doesn’t hear the air-popping noises that have started again. I stand up awkwardly, step over the knees of those sitting in front of me.

‘Now, remember, don’t sit down on it,’ Miss Hawthorne says. ‘This is the one day that you’re allowed to stand on a school chair. Make the most of it.’

I step on to the wooden seat. I’m worried that the people in the front can see up my skirt, so I smooth it down with my hands and keep them clasped there.

‘Fishy,’ I hear someone hiss.

‘Right. On three,’ Miss Hawthorne says. ‘One, two, three.’

And they’re singing, all their faces tipped up towards me. Ryan moves his hand, as though it’s swimming through water, so subtly that Miss Hawthorne would never know. Stuart looks like he’s singing, but he’s not. His wet lips are just smacking open and closed in a circle, like a dying fish. But all Miss Hawthorne can hear is the sound of their voices, making my day special.

I don’t want them looking at me. I don’t want any of them looking at me.

As soon as they finish, I get down from the chair and hurry back to my place on the carpet, willing a tornado to suddenly break through the sky and whisk us all away.

‘What did you get for your birthday?’ Jennifer asks. We’re sitting on a wall, safely away in the corner of the playground. Our legs swing down, sandwiches balanced on our laps.

‘A bike,’ I tell her. I’m so proud. I just want to get home so I can see it. Even if Kathleen will be waiting.

‘Lucky you.’ Her red eyes widen, as she pushes a strand of her snow-white hair from her lips. ‘What’s it like?’

‘It’s pink.’ I take a bite from my sandwich. The tuna paste is sticky on the bread. ‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, my mouth full.

‘I only got a watch when I was ten.’

‘That’s nice too,’ I tell her, but she just shrugs.

There are two of them, working their way over towards us. Two girls from the year below, their hair in identical bunches on their heads. They look behind them briefly, but keep walking.

Jennifer stares at them as they stand in front of us. I’ve never spoken to them before and I don’t know what they want. I pick at a piece of bread that’s stuck at the top of my mouth.

‘We’ve got you a birthday present,’ the blonde one says. She’s smiling, as though she means it. But this feels wrong.

The smaller one thrusts a paper napkin towards me. There’s something wrapped inside.

‘Thank you,’ I say, although my breath feels heavy. I don’t want to look up to see who’s watching. I’m going to just play along with their game, so they can’t beat me.

I hold my head high as I peel back the napkin. One of the girls screams and they both run away.

The goldfish is lying dead. The perfect circle of its eye stares up towards the sky. Its tiny mouth is open in a desperate pout.

They killed it, just for me.

‘Fishy!’ The shout stumbles across the playground. I knew Ryan had been behind it. I won’t look up. Instead, I wrap the dead fish back up and put it gently in my bag.

Miss Hawthorne is standing by the door and she stops me when I go in.

‘June, I need a quick word.’ I wait outside the classroom as she settles everyone down. The walls of the corridor are very white, as if I’m in a tube of light.

‘Right,’ she says, clicking the door shut. ‘I need to look in your bag.’

‘Why?’ I ask.

‘Some of the children have told me that you’ve done something you shouldn’t have.’

My stomach feels heavy. I had only kept the fish because I’d wanted to bury it. It hadn’t felt right to throw it in the bin. Not when it’s died for me.

Miss Hawthorne doesn’t have to look for long. She picks out the paper napkin with the soft fish inside.

‘Why?’ she asks me. Her voice is gentle. She’s not angry.

‘It wasn’t me,’ I tell her. But she just shakes her head.

‘A lot of the children saw you do it. They’re very upset.’

‘It wasn’t me,’ I whisper.

‘Lying will only make it worse.’ There’s such disappointment in her voice that it almost makes me cry.

‘I’m not lying,’ I say, but I can tell by her eyes that she doesn’t believe me.

‘I’ve got no choice. I’ve got to take you to Mr Cleadon.’

I nod at her. It’s easier this way.

I feel so alone, even though Miss Hawthorne walks beside me. I thought I could trust her. I thought one day I’d even tell her about Kathleen and she’d save me. But now I know she never will.

I look outside the windows as we walk. The clouds look like a pixie, but it’s hard to see, because soon we’re gone.

‘Close your eyes,’ Kathleen says. Megan and I have barely walked through the door when she’s fussing around us, taking our bags and coats and hanging them up.

She stands behind me and covers my eyes with her hands.

‘Walk forward,’ she says, so I shuffle in the direction of the kitchen. ‘Ta-da!’ She takes her hands away.

The table is covered in birthday food. There’s jelly and sandwiches and cookies. And, in the middle, an enormous, round chocolate cake, dotted with sweets.

Megan seems confused as she looks at Kathleen.

‘It’s her birthday, sweetie,’ she says. ‘Have a look at the cake. I made it myself,’ she smiles.

I step towards it. There’s a new tablecloth, and balloons tied to the chairs.

‘What do you say?’ Kathleen says.

‘Thank you,’ I reply.

‘Come on, let’s light these and take a photo.’

She holds a match to all ten candles. It’s my cake and it’s beautiful.

‘Blow them out and look at me and smile.’

I puff out my cheeks and my smile is real as I look at the candles and blow out the flames into little streaks of smoke.

‘Let’s tuck in, then.’

We all sit down.

‘There’s fizzy juice too.’ She smiles, pointing to my cup.

‘Thank you,’ I say.

‘Let’s start with the cake.’ She cuts a big slice and tips it on to the plate, then passes it to me. ‘Don’t wait for us.’

I hesitate with my fork, but it’s too tempting. Chocolate cream oozes out between the sponge. The taste makes the world feel better.

‘It’s a good one,’ Kathleen laughs as she eats a mouthful. And it is. Mouthful after mouthful is delicious, until my plate is empty.

Kathleen puts another slice on my plate. I look up at her and she nods at me. Maybe this is the day she changes. Maybe she’ll put her arms round me and say she really does love me and she’s sorry. I smile back. A little bit of the grit in my heart feels like it’s floating away.

I eat my cake, the chocolate filling my mouth. Megan stares at me, but I don’t care. Kathleen can love me too.

I run my fingers along the crumbs on my plate, smudging dropped bits of chocolate cream.

‘More?’ Kathleen asks.

I laugh slightly. ‘I need to leave space for a sandwich.’

‘But the cake isn’t finished.’ Just like that, the look is back. Her eyes burn into me.

She puts another slice on my plate. I look down at it. If I eat it, I’ll feel too sick to remember the special taste.

‘Eat it,’ she says. Megan looks at me. She has a glimmer of panic in her eyes.

I pick up the fork and push it into the cake. Slowly, I spoon every last bit into my mouth, until I’m sure I’ll be sick.

‘Have a drink,’ Kathleen says. I want liquid, but it’s too sweet.

‘Eat.’ There’s more chocolate cake on the plate in front of me.

‘I can’t,’ I whisper.

‘Eat,’ she says.

‘I’ll be sick.’

She’s beside me so quick that I jump back.

‘If you vomit, you’ll eat that too.’

I pick up the fork and force the cake into my mouth. I gag slightly on the sponge and I have to work hard to make it go down. My tummy is cramping – it doesn’t want it.

‘She’s disgusting, isn’t she?’ Kathleen says to Megan.

‘Yes,’ Megan agrees.

I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop myself. I can feel the tears rolling uselessly down my cheeks.

I want to see my bike. I want my dad to come home and take me away from here.

The sweet smell sweeps through my nose. I gag again and am almost sick. The salt from my crying is in my mouth too.

‘More,’ I hear her say. My fork scrapes the plate and goes past my lips, again and again and again, until I have to stand up and run for the bathroom.

I won’t be sick, I can’t be sick. I lock the door before she can get to me and I curl up on the floor. Everything hurts. My head feels like it will crack open. My stomach is filled with a thousand burning bricks. My throat is sandpapered raw.

I lie on the floor and I cry and I cry.

I want my mom. I want her to come out of the water and come back to us. And my dad will love me enough and Kathleen would never exist.

There’s a tap at the door, so gentle.

‘June?’ It’s Kathleen’s voice trickling underneath it. ‘Happy birthday.’

My dad is keeping his promise. He has to get his bike from the back of the garage, but I don’t mind waiting. I’d wait all day if it means I can get on my bike.

Kathleen stands in the front doorway. She’s leaning on the frame, her arms crossed in front of her, a big smile on her face.

‘Do you need help, Brad?’ she calls out. He doesn’t reply. There’s clattering coming from the garage and I doubt he can hear her. She shrugs. ‘I guess not.’ She smiles at me.

But there’s something, just at the back of her eyes, that I can see. I look away. Out here, I’m safe. Just by being here, my dad protects me.

He appears from the garage. ‘Sorry, pumpkin. Took me ages to find the pump.’

‘That’s fine,’ I say. His front wheel looks a bit wonky.

‘Are you sure you’re all right on that?’ Kathleen asks.

‘It’s straight out of the showroom, this beauty,’ my dad says, slapping the frayed seat and laughing loud enough for the birds to hear. ‘Ready, June?’

‘Yup.’ I begin to put my foot on the pedal, when I see her out of the corner of my eye, coming closer.

‘No going too fast,’ Kathleen says. She hugs me and kisses the top of my head. ‘Look after each other.’

‘We will,’ my dad calls as he wobbles off down the road. I go after him quickly and I don’t look back.

My bicycle makes me free. The wind pushes against my cheeks and arms. My legs pedal round and round and round and I’m so happy I could fly.

‘You’re all mine,’ I whisper to my bike. The whirr of its wheels calls back to me. It loves me too.

The road disappears beneath my feet, taking me further away from her. I want to call to the clouds, shout out to the sky.

I watch my dad not far ahead. He’s hunched over, looking forward. He’s my dad and he gave me this bike and I love him love him love him.

His T-shirt moves slightly in the wind.

Today, I’ll tell him. Today, I’ll tell him everything.

He turns off to the left, towards the towpath. My heart squeezes cold and I want to stop.

‘Not this way,’ I say, but I’m not loud enough for him to hear.

It’s bumpy under our wheels. I can see the river in the distance, a thick line of black. I never admit to him how much I don’t like coming here.

He looks back briefly and tries to put his thumb up, but it makes him wobble, so he carries on looking straight ahead.

The water is here and my dad follows the path, so that the river runs along the side of us. I won’t look at it. I won’t hear it. I’ll see only his wheels going round and round. If I go slightly to the side, I can see the spokes spinning so fast that they almost disappear.

I know we’re not far.

I see it in the distance and suddenly I can’t and won’t take my eyes away.

I love you, Mom.

I hadn’t meant to cry today. It’s difficult to see, but I can’t wipe my eyes without the bike toppling.

The little wooden statue of a heron, stuck tight into the grass, looks out, motionless, over the water. I can see the flowers that Dad and I tucked next to it.

My fingers pull the brakes and my bike slows until I’m right next to my mom’s heron.

Up ahead, I hear my dad stop. The path crunches louder as he makes his way back. I look up at him.

‘Our flowers are dying,’ I tell him. The petals are curling, their colours fading.

‘They’ve been here a week,’ he says.

‘I wanted them to last longer.’ They were for my mom, three different bunches, for each of the years without her.

My dad leans over to try to hug me, but our bikes make it awkward and his arms are heavy.

I won’t look at the water.

‘Shall we keep going?’ my dad asks. He’s sad and this was our happy day. I nod, even though I want to stay here, with my mom’s heron staring out, looking for her.

He begins to pedal slowly away and I stay close behind him.

‘Shall we go to the High Point?’ he calls over his shoulder.

‘Yes,’ I shout back.

It’s not far to bike and the bottom of the hill is close to the path.

‘There’s no way I’m biking up that,’ my dad laughs. It stretches green and steep, the war monument perched proudly on the top. ‘But I’ll race you!’ And he’s off, way ahead of me.

‘That’s cheating.’ I put my bike down gently next to his and I’m running like a leopard. I’m getting closer to him. My legs ache and my breathing burns, but I love it. I push myself faster, but he gets there first. He’s lying on his back, his tummy going up and down so quickly.

I fall down next to him.

‘You need to get fit,’ he laughs. ‘Less eating so much party food and more exercise.’

I hold my breath.

The thought of chocolate cake creeps up my throat.

‘I’m glad your friends came round though,’ my dad says. He stretches out on his side and leans his head on the triangle of his arm. ‘So it’s getting easier, is it?’

I look down at the grass. I pick a blade and another. Picking them and just throwing them away.

‘It’s not going to change overnight, honey, but having a few friends round for your birthday is a start.’

Tell him. There were no friends. It’s all a lie. But my head can’t seem to start the words.

‘Kath tried so hard to make it good for you.’ He sweeps his palm gently across the top of the grass. ‘We’re lucky to have her, aren’t we?’ When he looks at me, I know I can’t say it. He’s got a happiness in his eyes that was burnt out when Mom died. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without her.’

‘I wish I had skin your colour,’ I say. I don’t know why that suddenly comes out now. And it’s sort of not true. Not all the time, in any case. I got my skin from my mom and I want to keep it.

‘Oh, honey.’ He puts his arm out for me and I curl into him and suddenly I feel so safe. I want to stay lying like this forever, where no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. ‘Have other kids been saying things again?’ I don’t move. I don’t nod, or shake my head. Nothing. ‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve just got to ignore them. You’re a beautiful little girl. Every part of you – your brown skin, your big smile, your eyes like perfect chocolate buttons that I want to eat every time I look at you.’

He pretends to eat my cheek, but it tickles and I squirm away.

‘I wish I had long, blonde hair,’ I say. ‘And it’d be so straight.’

‘No, you don’t want that,’ my dad says.

But that’s what she’s got, I want to say. You love Kathleen because of her hair.

‘You see, hair like yours is special. You don’t want to be one of the crowd. It’s good to stand out. To be a bit unique.’

No. I want to sit on the bus with blonde hair. I don’t want Ryan sticking pencils in it, because he says they’ll get stuck. I want to walk down the corridor without them making bird noises at the bird’s nest of my hair.

‘You are so like your mom,’ my dad says. ‘She learnt to keep her head held high and that’s what you’re doing too. You’re worth something, June.’

I press my head into his chest until I find his heart, the steady beat of it. Yes no yes no.

I can’t imagine that my mom’s heart stopped. If it had just kept beating, she’d be here with us now.

I move on to my back and stretch my arm out. If I concentrate really hard, I can feel her fingers in mine. There they are. The warmth of her palm. She strokes my thumb with her own.

Oh, Mom, I miss you.

‘Come on.’ My dad jumps up suddenly. He tugs at my arm and I stand and we walk hand in hand to the monument at the very top. We step on to the stone base and turn to look down over the land. We’re giants and this is our kingdom.

The sun is so warm on my face, my arms, my bare legs. Below, there are tiny fields and houses that I could balance on my fingernails.

Somewhere, Kathleen is the size of an ant. I lift my foot and stretch it out. I see her raise her hands and I smile as I bring the sole of my shoe down hard on her face.

My dad laughs. ‘What are you doing?’

I close my eyes as he puts his strong arm round me. It’s just me and him now. Together we can conquer the world.