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Chapter 4

At the Feet of the Master

Lessons in Love

“The family that prays together stays together.” Servant of God Patrick Peyton, C.S.C.

Living the unique vision of marriage we’ve described in the last few chapters doesn’t come naturally. Many of us didn’t witness this in our parents’ marriage, and we certainly don’t see it on television, in the movies, or on the Internet! The fact is, no matter how much you and your spouse love each other, there is a point in every marriage where every couple hits the wall — a point where it feels like all the human love you can summon on your own just isn’t enough to make it. In those times, couples need to plug into a power source that is bigger than both of them put together. They need to create a direct line that taps into the love that comes from God’s own heart.

In order to have any hope of succeeding at living out the radically different, deeply soulful, and ultimately transformative, free, total, faithful, and fruitful marital love to which we’re called, we are going to have to sit, together, as a couple, at the feet of the Master, and learn from him one day at a time. We’re going to have to learn to pray together as a couple, every day, about every aspect of our marriage and the life we are building together as a couple.

But Isn’t Prayer “Too Private”?

Many Catholics mistakenly believe that prayer is a private affair that is simply too personal and too intimate to be shared with one’s spouse, but nothing could be further from the truth. As Catholics, we believe that while prayer is certainly an intimate affair, and deeply personal, it is never private.

Even when you think you are praying alone, in reality, the entire communion of saints is praying with you! Prayer is always a communal activity. As the Catechism tells us, “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (2565, emphasis in original). By definition, then, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others. While there is certainly a place and a time for praying on your own, there is really no such thing as a prayer that you keep to yourself. It would not be a stretch to say that you are never less alone than when you pray.

If a couple truly wishes to live a full and joyful Catholic marriage, praying together is anything but optional. This is more than just a pious sentiment. There’s actually a solid body of evidence that backs up the practical benefits of couple-prayer.

Science Says — Benefits of Couple-Prayer

If there was a completely affordable pill that was completely without side effects and proven to make you up to 20 percent happier, would you take it? Well, God has something even better for you.

A joint study by the University of Virginia and the University of Texas at San Antonio found that up to 83 percent of couples who pray together are happy with their marriage compared to only 69 percent of couples that do not pray together. On average, couples who pray together tend to be about 15 to 20 percent happier with their relationships than couples who don’t (Rushnell and DuArt, 2011). Likewise, research by the Florida State University Family Institute shows that couples who pray together display higher levels of marital commitment and are significantly less likely to fall prey to infidelity (Fincham, Lambert, Beach, 2010). These are just two examples of literally hundreds of studies that show that when couples pray together, they are dramatically more secure and happy with each other than couples that don’t. In fact, according to sociologist Andrew Greeley, of all the factors known to contribute to marital happiness and stability, couple-prayer has been found to be “the most powerful correlate of marital happiness that we have yet discovered” (1992).

Couple Prayer: How Do You Begin? What Do You Say?

First of all, relax. Just like there is no one right way to talk to a friend, there isn’t one right way to pray. God, who indeed calls us “friends” (Jn 15:15), is happy to receive our prayers as long as they come from our heart.

Try to choose a regular time (e.g., 9:00 p.m.) or at least a regular time of the day (e.g., “right after dinner” or “right before bed”) and a consistent place. This way you can create a prayer ritual, and it will be easier to remember. Don’t worry if one of you tends to remember to initiate prayer more than the other. Although, ultimately, it is both of your jobs to make prayer happen, the most important thing is that it happens.

Once you’ve managed to find a good time and place, then what? What do you say? The short answer is, “Whatever you want.”

Because there isn’t a right way to pray, you have a lot of freedom about what your prayer time might look like. That said, here are some things you might like to keep in mind so that you and your beloved can get the most out of couple-prayer.

1. Remember the Point

No matter what you do, always remember that the point of couple-prayer is not about checking off certain boxes or jumping through certain spiritual hoops. At its best, couple-prayer is a shared, intimate conversation with God that brings you closer to him and to each other. Keep thinking about what kinds of prayer might have the greatest chance of helping you accomplish those ends.

Do you have a favorite prayer from childhood? A particular devotion (like the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet) that you’d like to try? Is there a Scripture study guide or prayer book you’re familiar with or that someone has recommended to you? Maybe you’re just more comfortable talking out loud to God in your own words. Feel free to experiment. It’s normal to feel awkward the first few times you try to pray together as a couple. But if, after a while, you aren’t feeling inspired by your present efforts, try a different approach. The beautiful thing about our faith is that there are so many ways Catholics can pray, you’ll never run out of options.

2. Formal or Informal Prayer?

There are two basic forms of simple (aka “vocal”) prayer: formal and informal. Formal prayer involves prayers that have been provided by the Church — such as the Hail Mary, the Our Father, or the Rosary — or perhaps other devotions or a Scripture study. Formal prayer isn’t formal in the sense that it’s fancy and requires you to wear a tuxedo or ball gown, but in the sense that it follows a particular form. We like to think of formal prayer as a love poem or a love song. Even though someone else wrote it, singing “your song” to each other or quoting lines from a meaningful passage of a favorite poem can be a beautiful way to share your heart with someone you love. In the same way, using different types of formal prayers can be both a great way to get started with couple-prayer (because it eliminates the guesswork) and a great way to go deeper (because you are praying with the mind of the Church). Some of the greatest couple-pray-ers began with something as simple as a nightly commitment to say one Hail Mary or Our Father together for “the intention of our marriage.”

That said, it would be a little odd if, when you want to tell each other how much you love each other or say something important, you only sing love songs or quote poetry. You need to talk to each other in your own words too. In fact, it’s all the personal conversations you’ve shared and all the meaningful moments you’ve created together that give those songs and poetry their power. That’s why informal prayer (that is, prayer in your own words without a predetermined form) can also be an important part of couple-prayer. Informal prayers can become most meaningful when they help you recall all the times you’ve shared your heart with God in your own words. If you’re not used to praying in your own words, you might begin with some simple statements like “God, thank you for X” or “God, please help me/us with Y” or “Please bless my friend, so-and-so.” You don’t have to be flowery or even wordy. Just put your heart into it like you would any really good conversation with a really good, mutual friend, and let things develop from there.

3. Take Turns

For some people, the most intimidating thing about couple-prayer is figuring out who says what and when. Be casual about this. You can even work it out while you pray by looking at each other and asking, “Do you have anything you want to say/add?” The normal way couples approach figuring out who-says-what-and-when is by simply taking turns. For instance, one of you might say the first half of the Hail Mary (up to “… the fruit of thy womb Jesus”), and the other might say the second half (from “Holy Mary … hour of our death, Amen”). Or you might spend a minute or two thanking God for the blessings of the day in your own words and then, before moving on to whatever the next part of your prayer might be, you could stop and give your spouse an opportunity to thank God for something in his or her own words. Once both of you have said your piece, you can move on to the next part of your prayer time. Like learning a new dance, with practice you’ll be able to be more flexible about who-says-what-and-when. But for starters, taking turns responding to each part of the prayer can be a great way to kick things off.

4. Think About Your Goal

Each time you pray, it can be helpful to think a little bit about what you hope to take away from your prayer time. For instance, sometimes we pray to thank God either for a particular blessing or just for being God and loving us. Sometimes we ask God for help, for us or a friend who is suffering. Other times, we need to ask God for his forgiveness and his help to not let us commit the same sin again. It can be good to think a little bit about what is the most important thing to communicate to God today. If you’re stuck, that’s okay too. Just tell God that you’re not sure what to say and ask him to put the words he’d like you to say into your heart. Sometimes the best prayer times come when words fail us and we just let the Holy Spirit do all the work in us. Regardless, when a couple prays together, it can be good to start your prayer time with a brief discussion about what you’d like to take from the experience. You don’t have to have a spiritual plan ready for filing in triplicate with the Home Office, but knowing what you’d like the focus of your prayer time to be can help couple-prayer be a more meaningful experience.

5. Be Flexible

Some nights you’ll have more energy and time than others. It’s okay to vary how you pray from day to day. Perhaps there’s a day you can only manage to say a Glory Be. The next day might be the same. The following day you might pray in your own words together. Maybe the time after that, you’ll both want to pray a Rosary, and the next day you might be back to the Glory Be. Making the commitment to a regular couple-prayer ritual is more important in the long term than how you pray on any given day. Just try to build on what you usually do as time progresses. Learning the process of prayer — especially couple-prayer — is more of a journey than a destination. No matter how simply you start out, you will find that in time, with a regular commitment, God will take you deeper into his own time, as you are ready. Trust him. In fact, that’s one of the most important parts of the process.

The Praise Format

In our own efforts to cultivate couple-prayer, we use all the ideas we’ve recommended above, but something else that has been very helpful for us is having a semi-structured prayer time. Many couples that pray together find that they get the most out of it if they spend a little time with different dimensions of prayer. Because of that, we like to use the acronym PRAISE to serve as a guide to our couple-prayer time:

P = PRAISE and thank God for his blessings.

R = REPENT of the small ways you’ve let God or each other down.

A = ASK for God’s help with special concerns that are on your heart.

I = INTERCEDE for others.

S = SEEK his will about bigger decisions/questions that are on your heart.

E = EXPRESS your desire to serve him until you meet again in prayer.

Depending upon our energy on a given day, this format could take as little as five minutes or as much as an hour or more. It can include elements of both formal and informal prayer, as you see fit. Over the next few pages, we’ll take a look at each step and give you a brief example of what it might look like in practice.

P = Praise and Thank God

Praise refers to honoring who God is, while thanksgiving refers to honoring God for what he has done. Take a moment to praise God for who he is to you and to thank God for the little blessings you’ve experienced throughout the day. Again, don’t feel that you have to say anything fancy. Just take turns between you and your spouse, thanking God for the ways he has shown that he is taking care of you. For instance:

Husband: “Thank you, Lord, for letting work go so well today. I’m really grateful for your help.”

Wife: “Yes, Lord. And thank you for helping me get everything together for the class I’m teaching in the parish school of religion.”

Husband: “And, God, I just want to thank you for letting my wife and me get some time for a date this weekend. Thanks for giving us the time we need to take care of each other.”

As we said, this doesn’t have to be fancy. You can thank God for everything from the great parking spot you got that was close to the mall entrance to the miraculous recovery your mom made from that illness. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. Being thankful is a simple way of giving God the praise he deserves. God doesn’t need our praise. But when we praise him, it reminds us of all the little ways he is present in our lives, and it enables us to trust him more — and as a bonus, taking a moment to recall the things you are grateful for is good for your mental health. One study has shown that the simple exercise of listing things to be grateful for increases the average daily level of happiness a person experiences by 25 percent (Eammons, 2007).

Happier spouses make for happier marriages!

R = Repentance

We’re not talking about confessing your sins here. You can save that for confession. But this would be a good time to reflect together on the little ways you might not have done as good a job taking care of each other, and asking God to help you do better the next time similar circumstances arise:

Husband: “Lord, I’m sorry for being short-tempered with my wife when I got home from work today. She really didn’t deserve it. Thank you for not letting it turn into a ‘thing.’ Help me to do a better job taking care of her when I feel frustrated about my work.”

Wife: “And Lord, I’m sorry for not trying to be more understanding. I know that he wasn’t really upset with me, but it’s hard not to react. I’m grateful too that you gave us the grace to not turn it into an argument, but help me to be more understanding and sensitive next time.”

Keep in mind that this PRAISE format is just a guideline. You don’t have to use all the steps all the time (or at all). Some days, you might not feel that you have anything to repent of, but most days there will probably be something you’d like to get God’s help with. Admitting your simple flaws in front of your spouse and God requires humility — but so does having a great marriage. Letting God, and your spouse, know of your commitment to do better the next time is a great way to keep resentments from building up — God will give you the grace to overcome those weaknesses so that, in time, they won’t be weaknesses anymore.

A = Ask

This step comes fairly easy to most people. We’re good at asking God for things. Take a moment to ask God for help with any practical concerns you might have. They don’t have to be particularly noble or spiritual concerns. Just invite God into your everyday life and acknowledge that you can’t do anything — even the smallest things — without him:

Husband: “Lord, please help me to get everything done. I feel really overwhelmed by all the things going on right now, and I really need your help clearing my head so I can get on top of it all.”

Wife: “Yes, Lord. Please help my husband have a peace about all he has to do and help me be a good support to him. Also, Lord, please help me get over this cold quickly. I’m really feeling run down, and it’s really hard to be the person I want to be when I feel like this.”

Husband: “And help me to be sensitive to the fact that she’s feeling poorly and to find ways to take care of her and let her know how much I love her.”

When possible, don’t just ask God for help with the specific concerns; ask him to help you do a better job of being there for each other and supporting each other as you address those concerns. God wants you to be each other’s helpmate. Let him teach you how to do it.

I = Intercede for Others

Don’t forget to pray for the people in your life who have special needs or concerns. Take a moment to not only ask him for his grace and blessing on them, but to give you the grace and wisdom you need to find ways to be a blessing to those people whenever possible:

Husband: “Please bless Andy. His son is giving him and his wife such a hard time. Give them your wisdom and grace to know what to do. Lord, sometimes it’s hard to know what to say to him. Help me support him in ways that enable him to draw closer to you through it all.”

Wife: “And Lord, please bless Ann at church. She is having so many struggles with her health. Strengthen her, and help me find ways to be there for her and make things a little easier on her.”

S = Seek His Will

This is similar to asking for God’s help, but it has to do with bigger concerns, which might take a little longer to figure out what God wants you to do about them. Learning the steps of hearing God’s voice (i.e., discernment) is beyond the scope of this book (for more information on this, check out our book, The Life God Wants You to Have), but suffice it to say that when you consistently ask God for his advice and counsel, he will find ways to get through to you. When you’re Christian, everything doesn’t have to be up to you anymore. God wants to help. And when you seek God’s will together, God will speak to both of you so that you can check each other’s math, so to speak.

Husband: “Lord, we aren’t really sure if we should start looking for a new house. We’re starting to outgrow this one, but everything is so expensive. Help us to know your will, whether that is to stay here or to go somewhere else. Find us the home you would want us to raise your children in. And even though I’m nervous about looking at homes, please give me the wisdom to know what’s really best for us and the courage to do your will, whatever it is.”

Wife: “Yes, Lord, help us to really know what you want. And even though I really want to move, help me to be sensitive and considerate to my husband’s concerns. Help me to be open to all the ways you want to provide for us. And let us work well together as we try to understand what you want us to do.”

In addition to asking God to let you know his will, make sure to bring your desires to him in a way that says, “This is what I would like, but your will, not mine.” The good news is that even when God’s will is different from yours, it will still make you happy. He made you, after all. He knows better than anyone else what it is going to take to make you authentically happy. Don’t be afraid to pray for his will.

While you’re at it, as we showed in the example, when you and your spouse are of different minds about a bigger decision, ask for God’s grace to be sensitive to each other’s concerns and to find ways to be a support to each other as you find your way forward. This will go a long way to preventing those arguments where you each stake out an opposite position and then just verbally hammer away at each other until one of you — resentfully and angrily — surrenders.

Couple-prayer is especially important when you’re seeking God’s will about any decision that affects your marriage and family life (which is pretty much everything, when you think about it). We regularly talk to couples who pray individually about such big decisions but come to different places in their prayer time. For instance, a wife says that, in prayer, God is telling her it’s time to have a child (or another one) while the husband says that God is telling him to wait. What’s going on here? Is someone lying? Is God sending mixed messages?

Assuming that both the husband and wife are sincerely seeking God’s will, even if they are coming to different places in their prayer, it may not be that one is mistaken, and it is certainly not that God is sending mixed messages. What we usually find is that God is showing the husband and wife difference pieces of the same puzzle, but that the husband and wife are mistaking their piece for the whole picture. For instance, in the example above, it may be that God is showing the wife that it is time to have another child, but he is showing the husband that it will be important to overcome a particular challenge in the marriage (e.g., already not getting any time together, frequent arguments, etc.), or difficulties with a child they already have, as a way of clearing the road for that next child.

It isn’t that God is saying “yes” to two different and mutually exclusive ends. Rather, God is giving the husband and wife different pieces of the same puzzle and then asking them to exercise their communication and couple-prayer muscles so that they can learn to be better helpmates to each other, as he teaches them how these two different pieces of the puzzle fit together.

E = Express Your Desire to Serve Him Until You Meet Again in Prayer

This is basically where you wrap up. Couple-prayer shouldn’t just be limited to the specific time that you’re sitting together praying. Because your marriage is a sacrament, your whole marriage is a prayer. God wants to use everything that happens in your marriage as a way of opening your hearts to him and to each other. Because of that, it’s a good idea to not just end your prayer and put it away like it was a piece of exercise equipment. Instead, end your prayer with the understanding that God wants to keep reaching out to you both throughout your day. Ask him to help you be attentive to what he is trying to tell you so that the next time you meet in prayer, you will have more to share, more to be thankful for, and more questions to put before him. This way, your whole married life can be the prayer that it is because your whole married life can be an ongoing conversation with God.

Husband and/or Wife: “Lord, thank you for this time together. Help us to know what you’re saying to us through the things that happen in our lives and all the movements of our heart. Help us to always put your will first. Amen.”

Concluding your prayer in this manner helps prepare your hearts to receive whatever God might wish to share with you and makes you mindful that God wants to spend every moment of every day with you — not just at prayer time. When you wrap up your couple-prayer time with a request to stay open to the movement of the Holy Spirit, you begin to make a personal connection to the idea that married life is, itself, a prayer. It helps you see the truth in what Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said, that “every moment is pregnant with divine purpose.”