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Chapter Five

SAL

‘God, Sal, you look like shit.’ Laura pops her head round the back door, the sun glinting off her red hair as she pushes the door open with one hand and shoves her sunglasses onto the top of her head with the other.

‘Thanks, Laura, you really know how to make someone feel special.’ I don’t mean to snap but I’m tired and ninety-nine per cent certain I do actually look like shit. I feel like it, that’s for sure.

‘Oh, touchy. Rough night last night? Did Charlie get in late?’ Laura pushes her way in and slings her bag onto the kitchen table.

‘You know how it is when Charlie’s got a big case on. And apparently this is a huge one – the firm stands to make a bajillion quid or something, if Charlie can pull it off. It means major pressure, even a possibility to make partner if it all goes to plan. And you know how badly Charlie wants to make partner before the big 4-0. So yeah, Charlie did get in late, and it was a bit of a rough night. I just need some sleep, that’s all.’

‘Ha. I know that feeling, Fred had me up four times in the night, didn’t you, dude?’ Laura smiles down at the chubby little boy who toddles into the kitchen behind her. Looking me over, she frowns. ‘Jesus, Sal, aren’t you hot in that outfit? It must be nearly thirty degrees outside; speaking of which, has Maggie got sun cream on? She’s outside playing dolls under the apple tree, I’ve left Lucy out there with her.’

‘What? Yeah, she’s got sun cream on; they’ll be fine out there, and it’s shady under the tree. And no, I’m not hot, I’m fine.’ I turn to the sink and start to fill the kettle, feeling the weight of Laura’s gaze on me. I am too hot in my jeans. It’s June and the heatwave that was forecast last week is in full force today, but the only other option is shorts, and that would mean revealing the red, angry scald marks left by the splashes of food from last night, and that would mean questions. Questions that I really, really don’t want to have to answer. Questions that I’m not even sure I have the answers to – I have no idea how events like last night’s ended up being almost the norm in our relationship.

Laura settles herself at the kitchen table, spreading out across it with Fred’s juice bottle, a pot of grapes, Fred’s dummy and Lucy’s security blanket. She brings over a hell of a lot of stuff for someone who only lives next door.

‘Are you sure you’re OK, Sal? I thought I heard shouting last night, that’s all. You know how thin these walls are; I just … well, I just wanted to check that’s all.’ She doesn’t look at me, pretending she is busy with Fred’s juice bottle.

‘Laura, I’m fine, I promise. Charlie must have just had the telly up too loud; you’ve just said these walls are hideously thin! Nothing to worry about, honestly. And I appreciate your concern, but believe me, I’m big enough and ugly enough to look after myself.’ I squeeze her shoulder as I lean over and place a cup of tea on the table in front of her and swing Fred up for a cuddle. Nearly two, Fred still has that chubby baby feel about him that I miss so much in Maggie now she’s four and almost ready for ‘Big School’. I would have loved another baby, a boy, to balance out our family and keep Maggie company. I would have loved lots more, coming from a big family, but you weren’t keen on even having one more, let alone three or four, saying, ‘We can provide a better lifestyle if we only have one child, Sal. Don’t be an idiot.’ I can’t help feeling that Maggie is missing out somehow. I give Fred a big nuzzle and blow raspberries on his neck until he shrieks with laughter and squirms to be put down. Lowering him gently to the floor, Fred runs over to the toy box in the corner of the living room, ready to search out toy cars and bits of Lego that I’ll be scooping out from under the sofa later on.

Laura sips at her tea and eyes me closely. ‘So, if you’re not too tired, or too hot …’ – she winks at me – ‘what do you want to do today? Shall we take the kids to the park? Get an ice cream and slag off all the yummy mummies with their bugaboo pushchairs and glamorous white-jeans-and-heels summer park outfits? It’s roasting out there, and before you know it it’ll be September, Lucy and Maggie will be starting school and you’ll spend all your days cleaning and tidying like a proper housewife.’

‘Fuck off.’ Smiling, I throw a tea towel at her and she bursts into laughter, her mouth open so wide I can see her back teeth, filling-free thanks to a dad who practises as a dentist.

‘To be honest, I think I’m going to give it a miss today, Laur. I am really shattered from last night, and I’ve got a ton of stuff to do today. I might just fill the paddling pool and let Mags go crazy in there this afternoon.’ I look at her apologetically, not sure of her reaction, but I really can’t risk going out today, not after last night.

‘Loads to do? Like what? What could be more fun than spending the afternoon in the park with your fantastically gorgeous, pale-skinned, red-headed mate, in a thirty-degree heatwave, while she bitches and moans about the perils of being so fair-skinned in said bloody heatwave?!’ Laura laughs again, and I am relieved. I need to learn that not everyone reacts in the same manner you do to things. I remember why she is one of the best people in my life, despite what you say about her behind her back. I laugh, too, and then decide to tell her my plans.

‘I’m going to look for a job. I’ve decided that once Maggie starts school I want to go back to work. I only stopped working for Maggie. Charlie could earn twice what I earned, and we agreed that I would stay home and look after the baby, but I think it’s time. Charlie doesn’t want another baby and I don’t want to sit around here, twiddling my thumbs all day while Maggie is at school. And I want Maggie to know that it’s OK for both parents to go to work, that it’s not a case of one parent going to work while the other stays home.’ I look down at my feet, suddenly feeling a bit shy that I’ve actually told someone.

‘Shit, Sal, that’s brilliant.’ Laura stands, and comes over to give me a hug. ‘But what is Charlie going to think? I mean, I thought the whole “stay home and bring up baby” thing was most important? God, I envy you, Sal. Since Jed left me bringing up these two on my own I can’t see myself ever getting back out there in the real world.’

‘I think Charlie is probably going to go mad in all honesty,’ I say. I am not looking forward to talking to you about it, which is the reason why I think, if I look for a job now, and tell you when, if, I land one, hopefully the fallout will be less. Don’t get me wrong; I know there’ll be fallout – it’s almost something to be expected now any time I do something that you don’t approve of – but I’ll be able to use the salary and the fact that I’ll be around in the school holidays as a bargaining chip. ‘But I can’t sit around all day here, Laura, not without Mags to take care of. I’ll go mad.’

‘I know, Sal. You still need to be your own person.’ Laura kisses my cheek, and scoops all her debris from the kitchen table into her bag. ‘Listen, good luck. I’m going to take Fred and Lucy to the park, sneer at some yummy mummies and bitch to myself about lobster skin and red hair. You let me know if you need anything, OK? And Sal? You can do it. I know you can.’ She squeezes my hand and scoops Fred up from the Lego that’s exploded all over the living room carpet.

Once I’ve waved Laura and her brood off, I fill the paddling pool and clear up all the Lego, including the rogues that have hidden under the sofa, just waiting until someone sneaks down for a midnight glass of water before they pop out to savage bare feet. I am going to look for a job, starting today, but I didn’t want to tell Laura the real reason I didn’t want to take a trip to the park. I didn’t want to tell her that I need to be at home, just in case. Just in case Charlie rings and I’m not here. I need to be home in case the house phone rings, and if I’m at the park and Charlie calls my mobile I might not hear it. I just want one peaceful night tonight, and if it means staying indoors and waiting for the phone to ring, then that’s what I’ll do. I check the ringer on my mobile for the hundredth time, making sure the ringer is turned up to full volume and not on silent. Just in case.