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Give Your Parents the “Money Talk”

* Read this if you are a student and you want to know how much help you can expect from your parents.

* Read this if you have recently graduated and you want to live at home while looking for a job and/or starting your career.

Regardless of whether you are living in the family home or have already moved to a place on your own, I strongly recommend you have the “money talk” with your parents. Fashions and social mores may have changed, but what has not changed is parents’ love for their children and their desire to see them off to a good start as they begin life’s journey.

All parents have expectations for their children. Sometimes these expectations are heard loud and clear. At other times it seems like expectations are secret until one of you experiences disappointment with the other. It is best to have an open dialogue with your parents about the expectations you have of each other. During this dialogue you may find that your expectations of each other are similar or you may discover that your ideas do not coincide. That said, this is important information for each of you to know in advance.

The purpose of this conversation is to gain a clear understanding of what you can and should expect from your parents. While it is your parents’ responsibility to raise children to become self-sufficient adults, this does not mean giving in to your every wish. Thus, you must recognize your parents also need to be planning for their own retirement — unless of course you would prefer to support them in their old age! Be respectful and let your parents know how grateful you are to them for all the support they have given and are willing to provide you.

If you and your parents are able to have an open dialogue on these topics, I believe all of you will gain greater insight into the values which are important to each of you. What values do you share? In which ways are you different? You will also have a good idea of the amount of financial support you can expect while you’re a student and after graduation. Knowing what to expect from your parents will help you develop a strategy for meeting your educational and career goals. The rest will be up to you.

1. Topics to Discuss with Your Parents

The following topics are intended to serve as a guide. You may wish to add some of your own. Begin with the questions you feel most comfortable asking. Similar to Cassie’s example in Chapter 1, you may wish to begin by asking your parents about their own early years and the values they believe led to their success.

1.1 Values

Each family is guided by the values in which they believe. You might call it the moral compass for what is right and wrong, good and evil, and smart or foolish. Families may not often speak of their values, yet family values drive decision making. A lively discussion can be had by talking to your parents about your family’s values. A greater understanding of family values will assist you in developing your own personal value system. The following are some samples to begin your discussion:

• Ethical values: Honesty, justice, trust, and fairness

• Personal values: Modesty, gratitude, loyalty and faithfulness, diligence, and perseverance

• Relationships: The importance of family, friends, and colleagues at work, church, and community

• Emotional values: Compassion, kindness, and generosity

• Health: Good health, physical fitness, relaxation, regular medical and dental care, protecting one’s good health, longevity, and care of the ill or disabled

1.2 Education

Many parents, given the financial means, are prepared to assist their children in the quest for higher education. Parental values and financial abilities may differ. Some parents are prepared to pay for their child’s education while others believe their children will benefit by contributing to the cost; and some are ill-prepared to assist their children in any capacity.

Asking the following questions of your parents will provide you with important information as you choose your educational path:

• Is it important to you that I achieve a college diploma? University degree? Beyond? Why?

• Do you have the resources to help pay for my education?

• Can I expect your support while I am completing my postsecondary education? To what extent?

• If you can help me financially, how much can you contribute?

• Can I live at home while going to school or would it be better if I lived on campus?

• Will I have access to transportation (e.g., a vehicle or help with paying for a bus pass)?

• Am I expected to pay my own way by using scholarships, applying for student loans, and/or getting part-time work?

1.3 Returning to the family home after graduation

What can you expect of your parents once you have graduated, assuming you wish to live in the family home until you are employed? Is it necessary for me to mention that you are now an adult and as such you cannot expect a free ride? For example, many parents are agreeable to adult children living with them while in school or while looking for a job. These same parents may not look kindly upon children planning to live at home while lazing around all day playing video games and entertaining friends. For many parents this would, rightfully, be the deal breaker.

Maintaining a home costs your parents money. What are the monthly expenses for maintaining the family home? Think about the cost of a mortgage, utilities, food, and the use of a car. Discuss this with your parents; you may be surprised at their answers. Now consider how much you can afford to contribute as your fair portion. Be grateful for your parents’ support and remember, it is your parents’ home, and as an adult, you are a guest. As such, you should be prepared to contribute something and abide by your parents’ values.

Before moving back in with your parents it is a good idea to ask them the following questions:

• How long am I welcome in the family home after graduation (e.g., one year, two years, longer)?

• What can I do to contribute to the household while living in the family home (e.g., chores, purchase groceries, pay bills)?

• How much rent can I afford to pay? How much rent do you want me to pay?

• Do you plan to assist me when I move out of the house? The ability and willingness to help varies among parents. Some are prepared to help financially (e.g., a contribution to the security deposit for the new apartment), while others will give their children home-cooked meals, old furniture, and anything else to see them off to a good start.

• What are the house rules while I am living with you? The house rules will more than likely be different than when you were a teenager and in high school. New rules for privacy, lifestyles, and housekeeping may be implemented.

Your parents may be so happy to see you launched into the big, wide world they will give you kitchen items, furniture, TVs, and computers that have been collecting dust in the basement. Accept all gifts gratefully, even if you end up re-gifting the items later on. Consider the money saved by not having to purchase everything at once.

Let’s reflect on Cassie’s situation again. Cassie asks the questions above and is very surprised by what she learns. She discovers that her parents have very definite ideas about her future, some of which they have been planning for many years.

Since her parents did not have the luxury to complete university, having Cassie complete university was very important to Cano and Francesca. They are very proud of her accomplishment.

Francesca and Cano are happy to have Cassie stay in the family home while she searches for a full-time position. Cassie tells them it may take her up to six months to secure a full-time job.

Cassie asks herself, “What if after three months of searching for my dream job I am unable to secure a position?” After three months of looking she is prepared to accept an entry level position with a major industry employer, just to get in the door. Not only are her parents happy to help, they worry about her student debt and realize Cassie will need to save for her first and last month’s rent. She will also need an emergency fund. Cassie and her parents agree that she is welcome in the family home for up to a year after she is employed, on the condition that she uses this time to reduce her debt and start a savings program. Cassie will be expected to help with the household chores and do the yard work while she is in their home.

Cassie is feeling a lot better about her future. She is very much aware of her parents’ love and grateful for their support. With her parents’ help she will have a solid start to becoming self-reliant.