Читать книгу Wedding Wishes - Liz Fielding, Christie Ridgway - Страница 12

The dress. Individual, unique, it is a statement of everything the bride feels about herself. A matter for secrecy, intrigue and speculation…

—The Perfect Wedding by Serafina

March

JOSIE steeled herself for the usual prurient inquisition—was it rape or abuse? No man had ever asked her if he’d done something to turn her off. Not that Gideon had. For a moment she had so utterly forgotten herself that she was still shaking with a surge of need unlike anything she’d ever experienced.

But the question never came.

‘Don’t worry about it, Josie,’ he said, so casually that if she hadn’t been so relieved she might have felt insulted. ‘It was nothing.’

Nothing?

‘You don’t have to apologise. Or explain.’

‘No?’

Easy for him to say. He probably had women throwing themselves at him all the time. Not that she had. Thrown herself. She’d had a giddy spell, had been off balance physically and mentally or she would never have reacted so wantonly to his closeness.

The kiss had not been forced upon her. It had been inevitable from the first moment she’d set eyes on him. She’d recognised the danger, thought she could control it…

‘No,’ she said, turning the word from a question to a statement as she eased herself carefully to her feet—she didn’t want a repeat of that giddy spell…‘Nothing at all.’ Then, because he hadn’t moved, ‘Do you need a hand up?’

He looked up at her for a moment as if considering the physics of the skinny girl/big bloke leverage situation.

‘Not a good idea.’

No. It would be too easy to repeat that tumble and it was obvious that he didn’t want to risk that.

Nor did she, she told herself hurriedly.

‘Shall I call someone?’

‘Forget about me,’ he said, apparently content to sit on the deck, his back against the hard frame. ‘You’ve got a bride to worry about.’

‘Yes…’ She backed slowly away—any injudicious move was likely to stir up all those hormones swirling about her body, desperate for action. ‘Did she say where she’d be?’

‘Her room, I imagine.’

‘Her room?’ She finally snapped out of the semi-inert state where her brain was focused entirely on Gideon. ‘This is her room!’ she declared.

‘Yes, well, that was the other thing I was about to tell you. Before you threw yourself on me.’

‘What a pity I didn’t do more damage.’

‘Is that any way to speak to a man who, while you were snoring your head off, has single-handedly sorted out your accommodation problems?’

She was fairly sure that the snoring slur was simply his attempt to put up a wall between them and who could blame him?

Ignoring it, she said, ‘What did you do? Rub a magic lamp and produce another tree house out of thin air?’

‘Is that what you do when, on the morning of the wedding, the bride tells you that a long lost cousin from New Zealand has arrived with all his family and you have to find room for half a dozen extra people at a reception?’

‘I don’t need magic to produce an extra table,’ she snapped back. ‘It’s my job.’ Then, because this was no way to cool things down, she extended a hand, palm out like a traffic cop. ‘Stop.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Back up.’ He waited, a questioning tilt to one of those devilish brows while she took another breath. Started again. ‘Thank you so much for involving yourself with my accommodation problem, Gideon. Would you care to update me?’ she enquired politely.

She got an appreciative grin for her efforts and all those escaped hormones stampeded in his direction and she took a step forward as she almost overbalanced.

Maybe he noticed because he said, ‘Sit down and I’ll fill you in.’

She did but only, she told herself, because he was having to peer awkwardly up at her in a way that must be hurting his back. Not that he’d been feeling pain a few minutes ago…

Stop. Oh, stop…

Ignoring the low lounger—she wasn’t risking a second close encounter with all those free roaming pheromones—she crossed to a canvas director’s chair that David had fetched so that they could have a cosy chat over her supine body.

Tempted as she was to pitch in with yet another sarcastic comment, she suspected he was waiting for it and, since she hated being predictable, said, ‘When you’re ready?’

‘The best man and his new girlfriend have been allocated the captain’s cabin aboard the river boat. It’s not like this, but they’ll have the deck for game viewing and the pool if they want to cool off.’

‘What about the captain?’ she asked.

‘He can use the first mate’s cabin.’

‘And the first mate?’ She held up a hand. ‘No, I don’t want to know.’ She swallowed. He was in pain, he didn’t want the wedding here, but he’d still gone out of his way to help her. ‘Just…well, thank you. That’s an enormous help.’

Gideon, the dull ache of unfulfilled lust competing with the hard frame of the sunlounger digging into his back for attention, was concentrating so hard on Josie that they didn’t stand a chance.

A woman had every right to change her mind and she didn’t have to apologise. It was obvious, from the moment he’d set eyes on her, that there had been something between them, that rare arc of sexual energy that could leap across a room on a glance. An exchange between two people destined to be naked together in the very near future. For a night, or a lifetime. Or not.

You were with someone else, or she was and there would be a shrug, an acknowledgement of what might have been.

On this occasion it had not just arced, there had been lightning and it was going to take a lot more than a shrug, a regretful look to make him forget how she’d felt in his arms. That look on her face as she’d scrambled to distance herself from him. Dismay, desperation…

It wasn’t what he’d done that had sent her running. It was what she’d come close to doing.

‘You’ve been very kind, Gideon,’ she said, her words, like her body, as stiff as a board.

‘Well, you know what they say. There’s no such thing as a free lunch.’ He lifted a brow, hoping to provoke her, get her to loosen up, let go. Get back the Josie who said exactly what she thought instead of what she thought she should say. ‘I imagine that surrendering your lunch wasn’t an entirely altruistic gesture?’

‘Not in the least,’ she admitted without a blush.

Better…

‘Which brings us to the larger problem of the bridal suite. What’ll it take to fix that?’ Then she did blush, possibly remembering his earlier comment about incentives.

Much better…

‘Nothing. It’s sorted.’

‘Really?’ She brightened.

‘We’re going to be room mates.’

Gideon saw the blush fade from her cheeks as she rose slowly to her feet.

‘Well, you and David have had a busy afternoon,’ she said.

He’d known that she wasn’t going to be happy about it and, under the circumstances, it didn’t take a genius to see what she must be thinking.

‘I’m sorry, but David and I went through the guest list to see if there was any way either of us could double up. But, like the Ark, everyone is coming to this wedding two-by-two. We are the only singles.’

‘You could leave,’ she pointed out.

‘I did consider it,’ he admitted. ‘I even made it as far as the bathroom, but it seems that the very thought of getting on a plane was enough to make my back seize up again.’

‘How convenient.’

‘You think I’m enjoying this?’

‘Oh, God, no,’ she said, her face instantly softening, full of compassion, and that made him feel like a heel because right at this moment he was enjoying the situation rather a lot. ‘I’m sorry. That was a horrible thing to say…’

He could have told her that she had an instant cure, but under the circumstances he thought it unwise and instead watched as, for the second time in ten minutes Josie struggled to come to terms with a situation she couldn’t quite get her head around.

‘Is flying a problem for you?’ she asked.

He laughed. He knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help himself. ‘Are you asking me if I’m afraid of flying?’

‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of,’ she assured him.

‘Have you any idea how many miles I fly each year?’

‘Well, no, but it’s a fact that the more miles you fly the shorter the odds become…’

‘Stop. Stop right there. I have a pilot’s licence, Josie. I own my own light aircraft. I stunt fly for fun.’

‘Stunt fly?’

‘It’s one of the extreme holidays my company offers.’

‘Oh. Right. It’s just that if the problem is psychological…’ She stopped. ‘No. Right.’ Then, ‘But if you can’t move, how are you going to move rooms?’ she asked.

‘I’m not moving anywhere. You’re moving in here.’

Josie frowned. ‘Say that again?’ she said, hoping that she’d misheard him, misunderstood.

‘You’re moving in here.’

‘Dammit, Gideon, you are not listening to me,’ she exclaimed, throwing her arms up in the air, walking around the deck in an attempt to expel all that pent-up emotion she’d been keeping battened down. Refusing to look at him. ‘This is Tal and Cryssie’s room. It’s all been planned.’

‘Yes, well, the first casualty of battle is always the plan,’ he said. ‘You—or rather Cara’s aunt—looked at the layout and saw privacy. Cryssie took one look and saw herself isolated about as far from civilisation as it was possible to be and her response was a firm thanks, but no thanks.’

‘What?’ Josie came to a halt. In front of her, at the water’s edge, a line of zebras raised their heads, looking for all the world like a row of startled dowagers at a wedding who’d just heard the vicar swear…‘But she had already approved everything,’ she said, turning back to face Gideon.

‘Maybe it looked different on paper. Whatever, she flatly refused to be “stuck out here where anything could eat me”.’

He put on a high-pitched girly voice and, despite the fact that she was already furious with him on a number of counts, would have happily throttled him at that moment, she snorted with laughter.

‘She didn’t say that.’

‘No? Ask her.’ Then he smiled too. ‘I really do think you’d have been better off with the petting zoo.’

‘It would have been my choice too, but it’s too late for that,’ she replied. ‘So where have you put her?’

‘She’s in the tree house nearest to the central lodge, which was, fortunately, vacated this morning. David has put the photographer and make-up artist who flew in with her next door.’

‘In my room? I close my eyes for ten minutes—’

‘Three hours.’

‘—and you move someone else into my room.’

‘You’d already accepted that you would have to surrender your room, Josie—’

True, but she didn’t have to like it.

‘—and the rest of the guests won’t have gone until the morning. You might believe that we’re in need of a major PR hit, but Leopard Tree Lodge is always full at this time of year. Cryssie did turn up a day early with her entourage and she’s lucky to have any kind of room.’

‘I know and I’m sorry about that, but you should have woken me up.’

‘I’m too soft-hearted for my own good.’

‘You’re too chicken. You knew you’d get an argument and hoped that if I was faced with a fait accompli I’d just roll over.’

‘That too,’ he admitted, with just enough of a grin to suggest he believed he’d got away with it.

‘I’d better go and shift my things,’ she said. ‘But this isn’t over.’

‘No need. Alesia did it for you.’

‘Alesia…’

Not only her client, but half the staff had apparently walked through here this afternoon. Seen her “snoring her head off”. Discussed what was best without reference to her.

He’d been right about one thing. She’d needed the sleep. But that was all he was right about.

This was her job, her responsibility, but she didn’t bother to say what she was thinking. Instead, she turned on her heel and went inside.

Her toothbrush was sitting in a glass beside his on the bathroom shelf. Her clothes were hanging beside his cream suit. Her purple wheel-on suitcase was snuggled up cosily alongside his battered soft leather grip.

Even her briefcase had been brought in from the deck and placed tidily on the desk. And she knew exactly what he had done.

He hadn’t discussed this with David. Employee or not, as the manager of this hotel he would never have agreed to something like this without consulting her. It was Gideon. Determined not to leave either Leopard Tree Lodge or surrender his own precious tree house to the unwanted bride and groom, he’d told David that this was her idea.

No doubt he’d shrugged, brushed aside the inconvenience, done a good job of presenting himself as the nice guy who was putting himself out to do everyone a favour.

And why wouldn’t David have believed him? After all, there she was, fast asleep, totally at home in Gideon’s tree house. Jane to his Tarzan.

It was all as neat and nice as the vast bed that Gideon seemed to believe she would share with him.

‘Is everything there?’ he asked when she emerged, blinking, into the late sunshine. Looking up at her from the deck, where he was looking more comfortable that he had any right to be.

‘Oh, yes. They haven’t missed a thing,’ she said, sliding her dark glasses over her eyes.

‘Well, good.’ She noted that he sounded a little less certain now. ‘I know how busy you are and I thought it would save you some time.’

‘You thought that, did you?’

He shook his head. ‘Okay. Tell me what’s wrong.’

‘Wrong?’ she repeated, keeping it light, casual as if she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, all the while holding in the urge to laugh hysterically. ‘What could possibly be wrong?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve sorted out your accommodation problem. Your bride has got the room she wants. And that bed is big enough for both of us to sleep in without ever finding one another.’

There wasn’t a bed big enough in the entire world…

‘You were prepared to take the office floor, Josie. This has got to be better than that.’

‘Maybe so, but it should have been my decision.’

‘I made it easy for you.’

‘No, you made it easy for yourself. No argument. Decision made. Everyone happy. Job done.’

He didn’t bother to deny it but, with a shrug that could have meant anything, he said, ‘I get the feeling you’re about to prove to me how wrong I was about that.’

‘It’s just as well that sleeping on a hard surface is good for the back, or that since you’re not going to sue yourself, there can be no objection to you sleeping on the office floor. You are so out of here.’

Josie didn’t wait for his response, but went in search of Crystal, muttering a furious ‘damn’ with every step.

What was really galling was that she knew Gideon was right. She should be grateful to him for taking the time and trouble to summon David and sort everything out, relieving her of at least one worry.

He owned this place and he didn’t have to share one inch of his precious space with her. It wasn’t even the fact that he was a man that bothered her. She would have moved in with one of the Celebrity staff, male or female, without a second thought if they weren’t already doubled up.

It was the obvious answer, the grown-up answer, one she might even have got around to suggesting herself, given enough time and a lack of any other option—although she’d still have taken the office floor, given the choice.

But, while he’d no doubt acted from the best of motives, Gideon couldn’t possibly know how it made her feel to have control over what she did, where she slept, taken out of her hands.

How helpless, powerless that made her feel.

Or that it was something she’d vowed long ago would never happen to her again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought, slowing as she approached the last set of steps.

There were two rules.

One—never make a threat you aren’t prepared to carry out or, worse, make one that you’re powerless to deliver on.

Two—if you can’t control the things around you, you can at least control yourself.

She’d just broken them both.

She stopped as she reached the steps to Crystal’s tree house. Took a moment to regain control over her breathing, wipe Gideon McGrath from her mind.

Crystal appeared, swathed in a gorgeous silk kimono wrap, before she’d managed either.

‘Josie! I was just going for a swim. Want to join me?’

‘I haven’t got time for a swim, but I’ll walk down with you. I’m sorry I was asleep when you arrived. You should have woken me and I’d have sorted out your room for you.’

‘No need. Gideon was so sweet; he sorted it all out in a minute. You must have been totally wiped to have slept through all that coming and going.’

‘Even so. It’s my job, Crystal—’

‘Cryssie, please.’

‘It’s my job, Cryssie. Come to me if you have any problems, okay? Day or night.’ Then, ‘How’s your tree house?’

‘Great. Really cute, although I have to admit that when we flew in I thought I’d arrived at the end of the earth. Then, when David took me right out there into the woods…’

‘Serafina thought, I imagine, that you and Tal would welcome the privacy.’

‘Oh, please. This is a media wedding; there is no such thing as privacy.’

‘So why did you do it? It’s not as if you’re keeping the money.’

She shrugged. The boldly coloured silk wrap shimmered in the sunlight and as they walked through the boma a couple of middle-aged men, showing off their day’s ‘bag’ of photographs over a sundowner, nearly broke their necks as they did a double take.

‘People think I’m just another dumb underwear model who’s bagged herself an equally dumb footballer,’ Cryssie, said, apparently unaware of the stir she was creating. Or maybe she was so used to it that she no longer noticed.

They were much of a height, but that was all they had in common. Cryssie was absolutely stunning and Josie, who’d never worried about her lack of curves or the fact that the only heads that turned in her direction were in disbelief, felt a pang of something very like envy as she realised why Gideon had suddenly become Mr Helpful instead of Mr Obstructive.

Who wouldn’t fall under the spell of such beauty?

‘We were going to have the press all over us anyway, so we decided to make it mean something.’ Cryssie stopped by the edge of the pool, oblivious to the sudden stillness as she slipped off her wrap to reveal a matching strapless swimsuit and a perfectly even tan. ‘We’re using the money to set up sports holiday camps for special needs kids.’

Not only beautiful, but caring too. Who could compete with that?

‘That’s a wonderful thing to do.’

‘We’ve been lucky and it’s worth the circus to put something back. But this is the last. We’re not going to be living our lives, having our babies on the front pages of the gossip mags. So,’ she said, turning a hundred watt smile on Josie, ‘we’re going to have to give them their money’s worth.’

‘I’ll certainly do my best.’

As she settled on a chair and stretched out, a white-jacketed waiter appeared.

‘Sparkling water, please. No ice. Josie?’

Josie glanced longingly at the pool, but shook her head. ‘Thanks, but I have to get on.’

‘Maybe we could have dinner together later? Talk things through. About seven?’

‘Of course. Is there anything you need before then?’

‘No. Oh…’

‘Yes?’

‘There is my dress. I’ve unpacked it and hung it over the wardrobe door.’ She did something with her shoulders that was far too pretty to be called a shrug. ‘It’s not very big, is it? There’s no room inside and we’ve got a photo shoot tomorrow.’

‘You want me to look after it?’

‘Please. I don’t want Tal to see it before the big day.’

‘No problem. I’ll pick it up on my way back.’

‘Thanks. Oh, and I expect he’s told you, but I invited Gideon to the wedding’

‘Gideon?’ Josie managed to keep the smile pinned to her face but the wretched man had been a problem since the moment she’d first set eyes on him and she’d thought she would be safe at the wedding.

‘One extra won’t be a problem, will it? You’ll have to redo the seating plan anyway because of Darren and Susie’s bust-up,’ Cryssie said, blissfully unaware of the turmoil in her breast. ‘I’ll be happy to give you a hand. I’ve got nothing to do after dinner.’

‘That’ll be fun,’ Josie managed. Rearranging the seating plan was the least of her worries. It happened at every wedding, although, as she’d told Gideon, normally it was simply a matter of a few extra dining chairs. Beds was a new one. ‘You can tell me about all the guests at the same time. That way, I’ll be prepared for every eventuality. In the meantime, just ask someone to find me if you need me for anything.’

‘Great.’Then, ‘Oh…’

She waited, wondering what other bombshell Cryssie was about to explode.

‘I think Darren’s new girlfriend is a vegan.’

She let out a sigh of relief. ‘She won’t be the only one. I’ll make sure that the chef knows about it.’

Her cue to visit the kitchens.

Gideon stayed where he was for a while, lost in thought. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what he’d done wrong. Josie had left him in no doubt.

She’d got it all wrong, of course. He hadn’t for a moment imagined that she’d throw a virginal strop if he suggested she move in with him. Although maybe kissing her hadn’t been such a great idea under the circumstances. If he’d been thinking with his head, it would never have happened. And she’d made it perfectly clear that if she’d been thinking at all, it wouldn’t have happened.

But that wasn’t what was bugging her.

She wasn’t concerned that he’d make an unwelcome move on her. The way that kiss had ended had left him in no doubt that, spontaneous, passionate, urgent as it had been, she had problems. Despite a very natural urge to hold her, reassure her, kiss her again, taking his time about it, he’d taken his cue from her and backed off, acted as if it had been nothing. Made a joke of it, even though the heat of her strawberry-flavoured lips had been burning a hole through his brain and he’d been feeling no pain.

He knew he’d convinced her; she wouldn’t have offered him her hand to help him up if she’d been in any doubt. It would have been too easy to simply pull her down into his lap.

No. It was the fact that he’d taken the decision without consulting her, choosing to let her sleep on rather than disturbing her, that had made her so mad.

‘It should have been my decision.’

And she was right. He should have waited until she’d woken up but he was so used to taking decisions, leaving everyone else in his wake, that he’d forgotten that this was her show, not his.

He hauled himself to his feet. Steadied himself. The back was in a co-operative mood despite the row, or maybe because of it. If it was psychological, stress-related, it wasn’t this kind of adrenalin rush that triggered it. But he’d known all along what the problem was.

It had begun on the day he’d decided to offload Leopard Tree Lodge, rid himself of the one resort in his portfolio that he couldn’t bear to visit. Couldn’t stop thinking about.

He moved carefully across the deck to the tree house; the pain had definitely eased, but he wasn’t about to take any chances. Once inside, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the different light level, but then he opened the wardrobe door and saw exactly what Josie had seen.

A stunning piece of feminine kit made from purple chiffon hanging next to his suit. A pair of high heeled shoes that appeared to consist solely of straps beside his loafers. His grip, her suitcase.

Alesia had only done what he’d asked her, but the result did not give the impression of two strangers sharing a room out of convenience—her stuff at one end, his at the other. It had the intimacy of the wardrobe of two people sharing a room, sharing a bed because they were together, an item. Because they wanted to.

He could have asked Francis to pack for him, but it was time to go, get out of here. If he called an air taxi now he’d be in time to get away tonight and, without waiting, he bent to pick up his grip.

The chef had been able to spare her an hour to go through the menu for the pre-wedding dinner.

After she’d gone through the menu, including special dietary needs, she’d checked the linen, then she and the head waiter had laid out a table so that they both knew what they’d be doing on the day of the wedding.

She had thought that the colours might be a bit overpowering, but strong light needed rich colours and the orange cloths and pale blue draw sheets looked stunning against the evening sun. The table flowers would be marigolds and forget-me-nots. To her intense relief, there were no balloons; the chance of small pieces of latex being ingested by animals was too great to risk.

It was almost dark by the time she headed back through the trees, but there were solar lamps along the bridge, on the steps and decks, threaded through the trees. It gave everything an ethereal fairyland quality.

‘Are you okay on your own?’ she asked Cryssie when she stopped to pick up the wedding dress. Now it was dark she could understand why she might not want to be alone out at the far end of the lodge. Might have felt a little nervous herself…

‘Absolutely. It’s been mad for the last few weeks. It’s great to get a bit of peace, to be honest. I’m looking forward to an early night.’

‘Well, you know where I am if you need anything. I’ll see you later.’

That done, she straightened her shoulders and headed back to face Gideon. Eat a little humble pie.

The deck was bathed in cool, low level light, but there was no sign of Gideon and no candles had been lit inside.

He couldn’t have surrendered, surely? Taken her at her word. He could barely move…

‘Gideon?’ she called, assailed by a sudden rush of alarm.

‘I’m on the floor. Please try not to fall on top of me.’

‘Where are you? What happened?’

‘I’m in front of the wardrobe.’

She felt her way cautiously in the direction of his voice and collided with the edge of the open wardrobe door.

‘Ouch!’

‘Sorry. I should have warned you about that.’

‘I’m okay.’ Apart from the crack on her forehead and the odd whirling star.

She felt for the top of the door, carefully hung the dress over it, then got down on her knees and felt around until she’d found his leg. Warm, strong…

‘Careful where you’re putting your hand,’ he warned as she edged forward and she jerked it away.

‘What happened?’ she repeated. ‘Did you fall? Have you hurt your head?’

‘No and no. I bent to pick up my bag so that I could pack and my back seized again.’

‘You are such an idiot.’

‘I’ve been lying here for hours just waiting for you to tell me that. Where the hell have you been?’

‘Doing my job. Talking to the chef, discussing arrangements with David, counting tablecloths.’

Putting off the moment when she’d have to face him, apologise.

‘Vital work, obviously,’ he replied.

‘It’s what Celebrity is paying me for. Nursemaiding you isn’t part of the deal,’ she snapped. Then, not sure whether she was more furious with herself or with him, ‘Damn it, Gideon, I came back ready to apologise, play nice and you’ve set me off again.’

‘Play nice?’ he repeated, with a soft rising inflection that suggested all manner of pleasurable games. ‘Well, that’s more like it.’

In the darkness, with no visual stimulus, his low, gravelly voice was enough to send a sensuous curl of heat winding through that hidden central core that she kept locked away. Just as his eyes had lit up her body when she’d come face to face with him that morning. As his touch had seduced her into a reckless kiss.

Every part of him seemed to touch her with an intimacy that effortlessly undermined her defences.

Control…Control…

‘Are you in pain?’ she asked, summoning up her best ‘nanny’ voice, the one she kept for panicking brides, weeping mothers-of-the-groom and pageboys intent on mayhem. Determinedly ignoring the seductive power of his voice. Blocking out feelings that she couldn’t handle.

‘It’s getting better. Isn’t lying on a hard surface supposed to be therapeutic? Maybe bringing me down was my back’s way of telling me what it needs.’

‘Smart back. Maybe you should sleep down here,’ she suggested.

‘Is that your best offer?’

‘Oh, shut up. I’ll light the candles,’ she said, shuffling back the way she’d come so that she could move around him. She misjudged his length, caught his foot with her knee.

‘Ouch!’

‘Sorry…’

She backed off carefully, crawled towards the bed, banged her head against the wooden frame. ‘Ouch!’

Gideon began to laugh.

‘It’s not funny!’

‘No. Sorry…’

That was enough to set her off and, as he peppered his laughter with short scatological expletives each time he jarred his back, she broke down and, helpless with laughter, collapsed beside him, provoking another, ‘Ouch!’

For a moment the two of them lay, side by side in the dark, trying to recover. It took an age for her to smother the outbreaks of giggles, but every time she said ‘Sorry’ it set them both off again. Then his hand found hers in the dark and all desire to laugh left her.