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Chapter Two

Steph arrived as I was ordering at the bar. She had persuaded me to come out after I called her on the way home. She said I simply had to come and I was not allowed to waste perfectly good beer garden weather.

‘Steph, do you think I am going to be a mad cat lady?’

Her eyes darted around as she looked for a table out in the beer garden. All I wanted her to say was ‘No, this will never ever happen to you. Ever. And I will do all in my power to prevent it.’ But she didn’t. She was too focused on bagging us a seat, probably motivated by her need to escape the pain of her ridiculously high shoes. Steph always looked effortlessly glamorous. She had wavy long blonde hair and although it wasn’t natural, she never ever had roots. She was the only person I knew to have highlights which actually looked natural.

My hair had always been a challenge until the invention of Frizz Ease. Remarkably, even though I’d stood all the way home from town on a packed, sweaty number 50 bus, it was holding up okay today. It was stifling on that bloody bus, but I couldn’t take my coat off as there wasn’t enough room. I’d thought about it, but there were women and children around and there may have been flailing arms as I tried to escape the coat.

Steph shrugged ‘I don’t know.’ She was so focused on her mission. ‘Do you like cats? Is this something to do with your plan? Quick! Table!’

Steph swiped up the bottle of wine and two glasses from the bar and made a dash for the doors, shouting behind her ‘Get another glass for Sinead.’

As we settled ourselves at the table I continued my cat lady chat. ‘I mean, cats are okay. I do like them. But I don’t want loads or anything. And I do want to come out on Saturday nights but I have to save. ‘I took a long drink of the chilled white wine. It was still really hot outside, even at seven o’clock. I took my shoes off and felt the grass under my feet.

‘How many cats do you need to be a mad cat lady then?’ Steph pushed her sunglasses on to the top of her head, more attentive now she’d grabbed us a table.

‘Four.’ I said this confidently, now knowing it to be fact.

‘Get three then. Or maybe only two. Why are you getting a cat, again? Does Connor like cats?’

‘I don’t know, actually,’ I said realising it was strange that after a couple of years together I didn’t know if he liked cats or not. I worried that it should be something I absolutely knew. ‘I don’t really want a cat at all but I’m worried that I will end up like Doris if I don’t leave my stupid job. Where’s Sinead?’ Sinead was great at giving thoughtful advice and words of wisdom, whereas Steph was more practical – apart from when it came to heel height.

‘Doing some of her hippy bollocks, she’s having her chakras cleared with Tibetan bowls or Himalayan bells or something,’ Steph rolled her eyes. ‘It’s supposed to make you feel calm. I told her the only bells that actually makes you feel calm is the whisky. But wine is much nicer. Cheers. Hey, you know what? Stroking cats is supposed to make you calm and happy.’

‘Well, Doris at work isn’t calm and happy. Quite the opposite in fact. She’s always miserable. She only has three so she’s not full mad cat lady. It’s definitely four for that. And I have four on my mug and Doris only has three on hers and I barely see Connor so I might as well be single.’

‘It’s not that bad, is it? Have you two been arguing again?’ said Steph with her eyebrows raised, looking concerned.

‘Oh I don’t know, Steph. I haven’t really seen him to have an argument with him!’ I said and slumped down. ‘It all seems like such hard work, you know?’

‘I know,’ said Steph. ‘Maybe it’s time to change your plan then?’

Even though I had considered it earlier, I now bristled at the thought of it.

‘Hmm,’ I said ‘I’m not sure.’ I had spent so long saving, and all those Saturdays at work would be for nothing. I didn’t want to give up on my dreams now. I’d only have to do Doris’s job for a few years. I could still leave long before I became a cat lady.

Steph rolled her eyes. ‘What’s the point in having a plan if it doesn’t make you happy? And what’s the point of a boyfriend you never see? Honestly Fi, he ought to be making a bit of an effort.’

‘He said he won’t be so busy once summer is over. There won’t be so many festivals and events and I’ll see him more.’ This was one of things I was hanging onto; once the festivals and the summer parties were over, he’d be back to working less brutal hours, and things would be back to normal. This is what I hoped for anyway.

‘It kind of is the end of summer,’ said Steph, delivering a crushing blow as I realised it was almost September and I had spent barely any time with Connor. No summer picnics, no strolls in the park, no weekends away, holidays or days out on the beach. No time to stop all the planning and to just be for a little while.

‘I feel like I’ve missed it,’ I said.

‘I know what you mean, I am so tired. I could do with a holiday,’ said Steph, sighing. Steph had not taken any holiday since Christmas, she’d been working so hard trying to win accounts which would get her a promotion. She worked ten-hour days but at least she was doing what she wanted and was successful. But it was taking its toll on her – she looked a little dark around the eyes, as though she’d not slept for weeks.

With both of us now feeling really miserable, we did the only thing to do in this situations; we checked in with Facebook, tagged each other and uploaded smiling selfies of ourselves ‘feeling happy’ while we waited for Sinead to arrive.

‘Seriously though, Fi, are you happy?’

I thought about her question for a moment, and was relieved when Sinead arrived so I didn’t have to answer.

Steph sniffed her to check for patchouli in case she’d gone full hippy.

‘Good, no patchouli, you may still be my friend,’ she teased while pouring her a glass of wine.

‘Clear off, Steph.’ Sinead gave her a gentle shove. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Connor let Fiona down again last night and now Fiona is getting a cat. Four cats, actually.’

‘Oh, no, again? Very calming, and pets are also good for moving the energy around. Very good feng shui,’ said Sinead. ‘Plus, nice company, you know, if you’re lonely?’

‘I’m not getting a sodding cat! And I am not lonely. I don’t think.’ I winced.

Sinead had managed to hit a nerve while simultaneously hitting the nail on the head.

‘She doesn’t need her feng shui sorting out,’ Steph started to laugh. ‘What she needs is to be sorted out. What she needs is a good sh-’

‘Steph!’ Sinead and I shouted at her.

‘What? I was going to say Chardonnay! Ha. Christ knows I do. I haven’t been on a date in years. Don’t have the time.’ Steph winked and topped up my glass and laughed the dirtiest laugh. I found it hard to believe Steph would be struggling to meet anyone.

‘What about that bloke from Fiona’s work who you went for a balti with on Ladypool Road last month? That was a date wasn’t it?’ asked Sinead, smiling encouragingly.

‘That doesn’t count. I have erased it from my memory.’ she said. ‘His favourite film was Jurassic Park Two. And he said he liked the smell of bleach. Seriously, who likes the smell of bleach? A mad axe murderer or a serial killer, that’s who. Therefore, it does not count as a date. It was more like a sociological investigation into the mind of a psychopath. Or a prison visit.’ She shuddered.

It was a very ill-informed decision of mine to set up Steph on a date with Ken from work. Not my finest moment. I didn’t know about his liking for dinosaur movies or cleaning products before the date, but still, it’s never a good idea to set up your friends with work colleagues.

‘And he ordered a korma too,’ said Steph. ‘He said he didn’t really like spicy food.’

‘Oh no,’ Sinead looked at her with pity and touched Steph’s hand. Perhaps slightly overreacting.

‘I know,’ said Steph. ‘What a wuss. That is such a girly thing to do. Where are all the real men, for heaven’s sake?’

‘They’re not in here for a start,’ ‘I said. ‘Look at the state of them. I used to love it here.’

It used to be an old man’s pub before it got hipster-y and uber-fashionable, when the only food they served was a cheese cob wrapped in cling film. We would spend hours in here and treated it like our living room, meeting up after work and staying until closing at the weekends before heading into town. Me and Connor had our first date here. Now it was all black walls and chandeliers and blackboards full of cocktails and ridiculous tapas creations and I hated it. The people were different too. Once it had been full of all sorts of people, old men popping in and out of the bookies, supping pints of mild. Now it was full of hipsters, wearing the same sorts of clothes the old men used to wear but with designer labels on them.

Connor still liked it in here, he mingled with all the hipster types, but it didn’t feel real to me any more. It was all so pretentious.

‘I can’t believe we haven’t been on holiday this year,’ Sinead said, interrupting my thoughts. ‘We could all do with a change. A rest. We’re all overworked. We’re burnt out. I was reading about it on Goop. Women our age are tired because we want it all but what we really need is some fresh air,’ she announced. ‘We need fresh air, peace and quiet, country walks. A break away from it all. We could go camp–’

‘Forget it.’ I interrupted. ‘I know what you are going to say. I’m not going camping. Not after last time. If I could afford to go on holiday, which I cannot, I’d want to go somewhere warm or to a spa. Somewhere nice where you don’t have to put your coat on to walk to the showers.’

‘A break would be nice,’ said Steph wistfully. ‘A holiday would do us all good.’

‘Can’t afford it,’ I continued. ‘I haven’t budgeted for a holiday. I need to get this deposit saved and get this promotion at work and then I can go on all the holidays I want.’

A holiday did appeal to me massively; I wanted a change of some sort and maybe a holiday could be just the thing I needed. Time to get some clarity.

My thoughts ran through all the things I wanted to change: I was unhappy at work, unable to pursue anything I really wanted to do; I hadn’t saved enough for my own place; Connor was around less and less. My five year plan was already crumbling and I didn’t know whether a holiday would fix any of that. ‘I feel like I need a new thing, you know?’

‘What kind of thing?’ asked Sinead.

‘What I mean is, you have a thing Steph – you have a proper grown-up career and you are glamorous and can run in skyscraper heels. That’s your thing.’ I turned to Sinead. ‘And you Sinead, you have all your stuff going on. And your interests.’ I waved a hand up and down in front of her gesturing to her rose quartz jewellery. Steph and I had both said we would never speak to her again if she a) started wearing patchouli oil or b) started wearing any kinds of clothes that had mirrors in them. As it was, she was fairly stylish and a little bit quirky and we hoped it would remain that way.

‘But for me, everything is just so boring and repetitive! I haven’t achieved anything from my plan. I don’t have my thing. I haven’t found it.’

‘You have lots of things! Let’s see. You are excellent at cooking. And you are excellent at listening,’ said Steph.

‘That’s true,’ said Sinead. ‘You always listen to us and you come up with great solutions all the time. Plus, your new coat is nice.’ It was nice of her to say but Nice Coat wasn’t really the sort of thing I was looking for.

‘Maybe I should ask for a change at work,’ I announced.

‘But you hate change,’ said Steph, ‘That’s why you’re always moaning about this place. You’re always plotting and planning your way through everything.’

‘You should take small steps. If you want opportunities to come your way, you have to make room for them,’ said Sinead. ‘I know what you need,’ she continued, ‘I picked this up at the Himalayan Healing Centre. Listen, this could be the thing for all of us.’ She rummaged in her bag and pulled out a flyer and when I saw it, I knew that this was going to be the worst idea ever. Worse even than Steph going out with Jurassic Bleach.