Читать книгу Accidental Dad - Lois Richer - Страница 11

Chapter Three

It seemed the entire town of Buffalo Gap turned out for the joint funeral of Marina and Jake Denver. For Kelly, busy preparing the kids and answering their many questions, the full impact of this final goodbye finally hit on Saturday afternoon as she sat in a pew next to Sam, listening to Pastor Don speak of the couple with love.

“We can’t wish them back, though we miss them terribly,” he said. “They’re in a much better place, with their heavenly Father, at peace in His presence. We must trust Him to help us look past our own grief to help the family they’ve left behind. The children Jake and Marina loved so much will need us to be there, to listen, to comfort and to support. So will their families. It’s time to show our love, people.”

There was more, but the rest of the words flew over Kelly’s head as her gaze meshed with Sam’s. He looked utterly bereft, so terribly sad that it hurt to look at him. She had to do something. Kelly slipped her hand into his and squeezed. He turned his head and studied her for a long moment before he returned the squeeze. A very faint smile tilted his lips before his attention slid to the front of the church and settled on the large photo of Jake and Marina laughing at some shared joke. Sam had told her this morning that he’d taken that picture, snapped it the day Marina had learned she was pregnant with Jacob Samuel.

Oh, Marina.

Emotions of all descriptions tore through Kelly; loss, grief, guilt, pain—but most of all a question. Why? She wanted so badly to understand why God had chosen this way and yet, hadn’t she learned not to question His will? She kept her head bowed to hide her expression from the kids until Sam’s fingers, still holding hers, returned the squeeze a second time. He leaned toward her.

“She’s happy,” he murmured in her ear. “We have to remember that.”

Kelly nodded, surprised by how easily his soft words and gentle touch soothed her sore heart. Finally, the service was over. They filed out of the church and into limos that took them to the graveyard. Kelly heard her mother’s sobs but kept her focus on the kids, watching for signs that she was needed, stuffing down the grief that waited to overwhelm her.

She and Sam had carefully explained every step to the twins, who stood clinging to each other, silenced by the somber occasion, though their big blue eyes took in every detail. Jacob Samuel slept quietly in his uncle’s arms, his thumb shoved between his lips.

Once everyone was gathered in the graveyard with the chilly wind tugging at their garments, Pastor Don spoke about the resurrection when they would see Jake and Marina again. After a gentle prayer, the matching caskets were lowered into the cold ground.

“Ashes to ashes...” The familiar words took on new meaning as Pastor Don tossed a handful of dirt over the caskets and then led them in reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Then it was over, the sad celebration for two vibrant lives.

It was over but Kelly couldn’t move. Time seemed to freeze. It isn’t enough, she wanted to yell. There should be something more to leave the mark of two wonderful people. But she couldn’t dwell on that. Her job was to ensure the twins were all right. She glanced sideways at the two small girls who, hand in hand, stepped to the edge of the grave. They hadn’t discussed this. Kelly glanced at Sam, knew he was about to restrain them until Sadie spoke.

“Bye, Mommy and Daddy. We love you.”

Emma simply whispered, “Bye.” Then after a moment she added, “We’ll look after Jacob Samuel.”

Kelly could no more have stopped her tears than stopped breathing. A quick check told her Sam’s eyes were also moist. He handed Jacob Samuel to his mother then drew Kelly with him to stand beside the girls. Then he hunkered down and wrapped an arm around each of them.

“I’m very proud of you two,” he said, his voice cracked and broken with love. “I love you very much. I always will.”

“We love you, too, Uncle Sam.” Sadie, always the most verbal, kissed him on one cheek, and Emma kissed him on the other before drawing Kelly into their circle.

“Sadie says you’re going to be our mommy and daddy now.” Emma’s whisper barely penetrated the hushed conversations of friends and neighbors around the gravesite. “She said we’re still a family. Is that right?”

Kelly didn’t know what to say. How could she give them hope when they didn’t know what was going to happen with the adoptions? But Sam had no such compunction.

“Auntie Kel and I are going to look after you the very best we can,” he assured them. “Don’t you worry about that.” He rose, his big strong hands around the girls’ tiny ones. “We’re going to go back to the church now.”

“For lunch.” Sadie nodded wisely. “I hope they have cupcakes. I love cupcakes.”

“Me, too.” Emma slipped her free hand into Kelly’s. “But I love Mommy and Daddy better,” she murmured in a sad, forlorn voice that brought a lump to Kelly’s throat.

“Me, too, Emma,” was all she could say.

The girls sat uncharacteristically silent on the ride back to the church. Once there, their grandparents took charge of them while Sam’s friends and neighbors offered their condolences and help with whatever he needed. He thanked them then scrupulously introduced Kelly. The names blurred in Kelly’s brain. Until he introduced Abby Lebret.

“You’re the woman from the adoption agency,” Kelly remembered. “Family Ties, right? You found the twins for Marina and Jake.” It hurt to say her name, knowing her sister was forever gone.

“That’s me.” Abby smiled as she introduced her husband, Cade, then her face sobered. “Not now but sometime soon I need to talk to both of you.”

“That sounds ominous,” Sam said. When Abby didn’t respond, he added, “Can you come over later today?”

“We can wait a day, Sam,” Abby protested. “It’s not that urgent.”

“I want—” He gave Kelly a sideways look and began again. “Kelly and I want to get things settled with the twins as soon as possible, for their sakes.” His face took on a grim look. “They need to feel secure.”

“I agree.” Abby finally nodded. “Okay. I’ll come out to the Triple D later this afternoon.”

“Thank you.” Sam nodded. When Abby and her husband had moved on, he turned to Kelly. “I don’t like the sound of that. Something’s going on.”

“What?” she asked.

“Beats me, but Abby wouldn’t ask for a meeting if there wasn’t a good reason.” He turned away to accept sympathy from someone else, leaving Kelly to stew about the upcoming get-together. Since her mother was now supervising the twins at the lunch table, she slipped away, wandering from the fellowship room into the sanctuary of the church, where she sat down in a window nook.

She’d thought this trip would be a simple matter of helping Sam get things settled, figuring out a care schedule for the kids, something of that nature. But everything was becoming more complicated, and that included her reactions to the big, handsome rancher.

I’m beginning to rely on him, to seek his opinion. She grimaced. It’s not what I’m used to.

These past nine years, she’d made her own decisions based on proving herself by rising to the top of her field. Now suddenly it seemed she couldn’t decide anything without considering how it would affect the kids, her parents, the ranch and especially without hearing Sam’s opinion.

The trouble was, she liked Sam. He was earnest, trustworthy, a guy who put others first. He wasn’t afraid to show his emotions as were so many men. He didn’t bolt when hard problems came up. He searched for a solution that would benefit everyone. Kelly found that so admirable. In fact, Sam was as close to a hero as she’d ever met.

But this confusing soft spot for him couldn’t blossom into anything else. She wasn’t here for romance. For a long time she’d prayed for a family, a husband, a home of her own. God hadn’t answered that prayer. Just because she felt welcome here, was needed for a little while, didn’t mean anything had changed. Her mother was right. Kelly could not step into the middle of Marina’s family and take over.

Not that she wanted to, she reminded herself. There were so many places she had yet to explore, so many things to discover. For three years she’d dreamed of visiting Indonesia. Okay, that had to be put on hold, but the goal hadn’t faded. She still wanted to go there.

As much as you want to see Sadie and Emma grow up?

I can’t support myself here, she told that contrary voice in her head. The only job I know is cruising. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, even if Mom doesn’t think it worthy of her daughter.

Which meant that come August, once Sam and the kids were settled, Kelly would return to her life on the seas. She’d trod a hard path to learn that was God’s plan for her, and having done so, she was committed to following God’s will no matter what the personal cost.

“Face it, kiddo. This is only a temporary stop on your life’s path,” she whispered. “Be a blessing however you can so that when it’s time to go, you leave with no regrets.”

But even as she said it, Kelly had a hunch that when she finally left the Triple D, saying goodbye to Sam would be difficult.

* * *

Sam glanced around the fellowship hall, worried when he was unable to spot Kelly’s slim figure among the few friends still left in the room. Neither his parents nor hers knew where she’d gone. Sadie and Emma were in a corner playing with their dolls. He walked over and crouched down beside them.

“Did you two see where Auntie Kel went?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

“Into the church,” Sadie said.

“She’s sad,” Emma whispered.

“In the church?” He frowned. “But we’re already in the—oh.” Realizing they meant the sanctuary, he made sure they were under supervision then rose to search out Kelly. It took a minute to spy her seated in the dim light. When he did, the tears streaming down her face made him swallow, hard. “Kelly, what’s wrong?”

“This is where Marina prayed, Sam. She brought her kids here to learn about God. She came here to gather with her friends to share her dreams.” She gulped then lifted her heavily lashed lids to gaze at him, eyes shiny. “I can’t seem to accept that I won’t ever be able to hear those dreams or tell her mine, or find out what she loved most about living on the ranch. I can’t tell my sister how sorry I am I didn’t come earlier.” She wept as if her heart was breaking.

“She knew.” Sam drew her into his arms, holding her as he tried to comfort her with the only words he had. “Sisters, brothers, twins—we all have an intangible bond, Kelly. We know we’re loved, even if we don’t get around to saying it to each other often enough.” He smoothed a hand down her back, hoping his words would offer her a bit of ease. “Marina knew you cared about her.”

“Did she?” She took the handkerchief he offered and dabbed at her eyes.

“I know it. And deep inside, I think you do, too.” Even red-eyed and weeping, Kelly was a stunning woman. As she drew away, Sam’s arms felt bereft. For a moment he recalled the companionship and affection he’d found with Naomi. Then he remembered that God had let her die, and the lump of hurt inside him that had begun to soften solidified once more.

“I’m sorry to weep all over you.” Kelly forced a smile to her pretty lips. “I guess I needed a moment to regroup.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I should have made sure you had some free time earlier,” he apologized ruefully. He’d been so worried about the kids he hadn’t given a thought to Kelly’s grief. Was that because he didn’t want to think about his own loss and the emptiness of his life without Jake?

“How do you handle it, Sam?” Kelly stared at him curiously. “Do you question God?”

“About many things,” he said with a dredged-up smile. “I’m trying to accept that even though I don’t like it, it was time for Marina and Jake to go.” He hesitated then spoke what lay on his heart. “At least God didn’t let them linger and suffer first.”

“He did that with someone else?” Kelly’s soft voice soothed like a cool palm on a thudding forehead. “Someone you loved.”

That part was not a question, but Sam nodded anyway.

“Naomi?” It wasn’t sheer nosiness that made Kelly ask. He could tell from her body language, the angle of her head and the way she leaned forward, that she was searching for something to help ease her own bereavement.

“My fiancée.” Sam swallowed. It had been a long time since he’d discussed this with anyone, including Jake. “She got cancer.”

Kelly waited, hands folded in her lap, watching him. He stared at the picture of the Good Shepherd. Jesus cradled a small lamb in one arm. His eyes oozed kindness and understanding, but Sam wouldn’t let himself be swayed by the lure of faith because he couldn’t survive being let down by God again.

He felt her warm fingers curl around his, nudging away the lingering sadness. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“So am I. She was a great person, served God with everything she had. Nothing was too much for Naomi if it was for her Lord.” He rose, paced in front of Kelly as all the old questions bubbled up once more. “She was His child,” Sam blurted, unable to harness the anger roiling inside. “Why make her suffer?”

“I don’t know.”

Though embarrassed by his outburst, Sam liked that Kelly didn’t make excuses or offer a silly reason like “for the greater good.” Neither did Kelly trot out the familiar adages that God is always good or that He always does what’s best for His children. She was the only person he’d spoken to about Naomi’s death who didn’t try to make him the bad guy for questioning God.

“I wish I had answers for you, Sam.” Kelly rose, smoothed her clothes then looked directly at him. “I get through the days by hanging on to one thing. God understands what I’m feeling because He suffered, too. His son was murdered so He knows all about grief.” Her voice dropped almost to a whisper. “I’m sorry you’re suffering.”

“Thanks.” Why was he crying on her shoulder instead of trying to comfort her? Sam shook his head to disperse the past. “I wish you didn’t have to leave,” he admitted quietly.

“More time wouldn’t help.” Her lovely mouth lifted in the beginning of a smile. “Anyway, I have six months to do whatever I can to help you adopt the twins. But then I have to go back where I belong.”

“You belong here with your family,” he protested, intrinsically knowing it was true.

“I don’t have a place in your family, Sam. I don’t even have one in mine.” Her voice wobbled slightly, but she got it under control with a halfhearted chuckle. “I belong on a cruise ship.”

“That’s not true. Your father—”

“Soon won’t notice if I’m here or not,” she finished, her voice sad. “This morning he forgot my name. That’s not going to improve, so I’ll just have to make the most of the time we have together.” She inclined her head. “We’d better get back to the others.”

“Yes. I’ve left the twins too long,” he agreed with a wry look. “Stay here if you need a few more moments alone.”

“I don’t.” She gave him a spunky grin. “But even if I did, I’m too afraid of what we’ll find if we don’t get back to the twins now.”

“You’re learning.” Sam chuckled as he walked with her to the fellowship room. Sure enough, Sadie stood toe-to-toe with Arabella.

“No, you can’t say that about Auntie Kelly,” she told her grandmother in an iron voice. Sadie turned her back, took Emma’s hand and led her toward Sam. “We’re going home. Now.”

“Yes, we are,” he agreed, thankful that the room was empty except for the two sets of grandparents, the pastor and some of the church ladies who’d served the food. “You two get your coats on but stay inside. We’ll go home in one of the big white cars.” He shot Kelly a look, hoping she’d recognize his silent request for help.

“I’ll come with you, girls,” she said immediately. “Uncle Sam, do you think they’ll warm up the car while we’re getting ready?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He leaned down near her ear to tease, “West Coast weakling. Can’t take a little cold?”

“It’s not a little cold.” Kelly leaned back to inform him in a pert tone, eyes sparkling with challenge. “It’s an Arctic blast, and I can hardly wait to get out of it.”

“You can’t leave us, Auntie Kel!” Sadie grabbed her hand and clung. “Please? I’ll be good. I won’t yell at Grannybell anymore, even if she does say bad things.”

“Bad things like what?” Sam immediately demanded with a frown at Arabella.

Sadie risked a look over one shoulder before she answered in the quietest voice Sam had ever heard her use.

“She said Auntie Kelly is going away because she never stays anywhere, and that Aunt Abby is gonna get us a new mommy and daddy. She said Emma and me might have to live in different houses.”

With steely control, Sam swallowed his anger. This was the house of God, a place Jake and Marina had taught the girls to revere. He wasn’t about to set a bad example, but he was going to straighten out Arabella and now was as good a time as any.

“That’s not right, Sadie.” Sam hunkered down to her level, unable to help himself from issuing a heartfelt prayer that God wouldn’t make him wrong about this. “Your home is on the ranch with me, Sadie Lady. You and Emma are my family. Aunt Abby’s going to help us make sure it stays that way. Okay?”

“Sure?” Sadie studied his face, eyes trusting. “Certain sure?” It was their special code, a cross-your-heart kind of promise that Sam wouldn’t break his word.

Please don’t let me disappoint her, God. Prayer number two—from a man who no longer prayed?

“Certain sure,” he insisted, too aware of Kelly watching him with a warning in her dark gaze. Sam ignored it as Sadie threw herself into his arms. He hugged her close, closed his eyes and inhaled that special fragrance that could only be Sadie while he mustered his third plea.

Just this once could You answer my prayer?