Читать книгу Meant-To-Be Baby - Lois Richer - Страница 14

Chapter Three

With her stomach upset, her mind troubled by the aunts’ grandiose plans for The Haven and her heart even more bothered that Ben was considering letting Mikey be adopted, Victoria couldn’t sit still, so she did what she always did when she needed to think. She went for a long walk through the forest—with Mikey.

“What’re those marks in the snow?” he wanted to know.

“Rabbit tracks.” Kids, here at The Haven?

“What’s that big block?”

“Salt. Deer like to lick it.” Why not kids at The Haven? As Auntie said, we four sisters found plenty to do here.

“Why is that tree black?”

“Forest fire.” Victoria smiled at his worried look. “We don’t have forest fires in the winter, Mikey, and even if we did, there’s a lot more equipment to fight them now than there was when this one happened.”

Safety—another reason why inviting kids out to the mountains wasn’t a great idea. They could get lost or injured.

“I wish I could live here.” Mikey’s comment jerked her out of her thoughts.

“You do?” Victoria hid a smile as he veered away from the panting dogs. “Even though Spot and Dot live at The Haven?” Mikey’s emphatic nod said a lot. “How come?”

“There’s no bad men here,” he whispered. “They won’t get me an’ Unca Ben.”

“No, they sure won’t,” Victoria assured him.

But that was hardly comfort enough. She tried to imagine what she would tell her own child in such a situation. For sure she’d want to soothe him. Maybe she’d gather him on her knee, hug him close and tell him the Bible story of how God protected little Samuel, just as her foster aunts had told her.

As Mikey’s anxious face searched hers for answers, Victoria knew she couldn’t fail him so she crouched beside him and drew him into the circle of her arms.

“Nobody’s going to get you, sweetheart,” she comforted, moved by his little-boy-lost expression. “Uncle Ben’s nearby. And God’s looking after you.”

“He didn’t look after my mommy an’ daddy.” Clearly Mikey was troubled.

Victoria wasn’t sure how to respond, but she didn’t have to because he added in a very quiet voice, “Me an’ Unca Ben woulda been there to ’tect Mommy and Daddy if I didn’t ask for ice cream.”

“Oh, no, my darling.” Victoria’s heart ached for the blame he carried. Mikey and Ben both felt responsible for something over which they had no control. “Listen to me, Mikey. Having ice cream with your uncle didn’t make those men hurt your parents. You are not to blame.”

“But Unca Ben coulda stopped them if we’d gone home. He coulda,” he assured her with a frown. “Unca Ben is big and strong. His job is to ’tect people.”

“I know.” Victoria bit her lip. She could hardly reassure Mikey that his uncle would be here to protect him because that wasn’t true. Ben felt he had to find someone else to do that—unless she, or perhaps the aunts, could change his mind. “Mikey, God’s even bigger than Uncle Ben. He can keep you safe when Uncle Ben’s not there. You can trust God. When you’re afraid, you can pray and ask Him to make the fear go away. God’s your Heavenly Father and He loves you very much.”

After studying her silently, Mikey resumed plodding through the snow. Victoria inwardly winced at his sad expression, glad for the silence as recrimination filled her. How dare she tell others to trust—she who hadn’t trusted God to find her a man deserving of her love? She’d failed to live up to standards her aunts had ingrained in her. What kind of example would she be to kids who came to The Haven? How could a pregnant single woman talk to them about God, about keeping His commandments? Her cheeks burned with shame.

She kept glancing at Mikey as they walked. Why couldn’t Ben see that Mikey needed him? Now more than ever. She sighed with frustration. Walking had failed to provide her with the answers she craved.

When they returned to the house, Ben waited for them in the kitchen.

“Are you all right?” His dark blue eyes inspected her face.

“I’m fine.” She turned away to make some toast. “The fresh air up here always does wonders for me.”

“Uh-huh.” Something in the way he said that made her twist to look at him. Disliking the speculative look on his face, she quickly changed the subject. “Mikey saw lots of interesting things.”

Thankfully that sent the boy into a long-winded explanation of the sights and sounds around The Haven, leaving Victoria, who was suddenly ravenous, to munch on toast and peanut butter between sips of well-creamed coffee.

“What do you have planned today?” Ben asked when she finally rose to put her dishes in the dishwasher.

“Well, since Olivia and Adele are gone, I suppose lunch will be up to me. Unless—” She checked the fridge and then pumped her fist. “Yes! My dear sister left us a huge pot of soup which means I don’t have to cook.”

“I can cook if you need help,” Ben offered.

“That’s nice of you, though I can cook. Tillie and Margaret would never have allowed us girls to leave The Haven without knowing how to care for ourselves.” She wrinkled her nose as she set a coloring book and crayons in front of Mikey. “It’s just that cooking’s not my favorite activity.”

“What is?” Ben accepted a refill of coffee before leaning back in his chair and waiting.

“Almost any kind of sport. Or anything to do with kids or animals.” She glanced from him to Mikey before asking, “Were you able to discuss—things, while we were walking?”

“Yes.” He studied his nephew with a frown. “The ladies are writing a few letters. This afternoon they’re going to town to mail them and—er—check into some possibilities.”

“Ben, are you sure about this?”

“Pretty sure.” His mouth tightened in a grim line. “I can’t think of any other way.”

Victoria studied Mikey. “It’s just—”

“What do you think of Tillie and Margaret’s idea for The Haven’s newest outreach?” Now he was trying to change the subject.

“Over the top.” Victoria grimaced. “But that’s par for the course for them.”

“I think it’s amazing.” Ben’s face blazed with interest. “Think of the possibilities. What kid wouldn’t want to come here?”

“If only it were that easy,” she muttered.

“You mean your aunts don’t have the qualifications or certifications or whatever they need?”

“I’m pretty sure they do. Tillie and Margaret took all the necessary courses to foster long before they brought us here. And they’re diligent about keeping up with the foster system, constantly adding to their knowledge.” She tapped her finger against her mug. “But more importantly, they have good contacts.”

“In Jasper, you mean?” Ben looked confused.

“Jasper, Edmonton, Vancouver, Toronto. You name the place and I can almost guarantee my aunts know someone there who knows someone who knows someone.” Victoria grinned at his visible skepticism. “It’s true. How do you think they got to know so many people?”

“Tell me.” His shrug made her chuckle.

“Their colonel, of course.” Victoria shrugged back at him. “When vets the aunts had written to came for a visit here at The Haven, they told the ladies about the appalling situations they and some of their buddy veterans now lived in. Of course, the aunties had to do something. They enlisted the colonel and his colonel and general buddies to petition the government to spend more on those who’d given their service to this country. Because of the huge support, government response was enacted.”

“Good for them,” Ben said.

“Yes, but more importantly, as folks learned of Tillie and Margaret’s original letter-writing, they began asking the aunts to write to their deployed family members. My dear aunties’ letter-writing ministry grew.” She smiled. “They always include a word about God and invite everyone to visit. Many come to thank them or seek their advice. My aunties have led a lot of people to Jesus and thus continues their missionary work,” she said proudly.

“Now they want to extend it to foster kids. Judging by their past success, I’d say their idea has a good chance of success,” he mused quietly.

“Of course it does,” Victoria said crisply.

“But you don’t want it to?” The words had barely left Ben’s lips when he recanted. “No, that’s not right. You love these ladies. Naturally you want them to succeed. So what’s your stumbling block?” He watched her closely.

“The amount of work. They can take a rest from letter-writing if they need to, but running this place as a retreat will be nonstop. They’re seventy-five, Ben.”

“They seem younger.”

“They can’t run the kind of place they’re describing alone. They’ll need employees, payroll, insurance, programs, knowledge of regulations and, I’m sure, renovations,” Victoria sighed. “There will be a ton of stuff involved.”

“You don’t want to help? Because you’re afraid of the work or...? Say, what do you do again?” he asked suddenly.

“I am—was, a fixer for a hotel chain.”

“A—huh?” Ben’s confusion made her smile.

“A fixer. Solver of problems. If hotel rooms are empty too often, I figure out why and devise strategies so they’ll be booked. If a hotel restaurant isn’t working to capacity, they send me to figure it out. If clients are complaining about something too frequently, or we’re not getting enough repeat business—actually any problems the hotel couldn’t solve on its own were my problem. My job was to fix them. And I did.”

“Sounds interesting and challenging.” Ben’s blue eyes stretched wide.

“It was. But it meant a lot of traveling, and I’m tired of that. I’m a Big Sister to several preteen girls in Edmonton whom I dearly love. So much travel made it difficult to interact with them as much as they need.” She grimaced. “I guess I haven’t made things better by coming here either, though I tried to explain.”

“How do you train for a job like that?” Curiosity filled Ben’s question.

“I didn’t. I trained as a teacher. I loved it, but my salary couldn’t cover all the things I wanted to do with my Little Sisters, so I started as a part-time host on the hotel’s main desk.” She shrugged. “Stuff came up and I handled it. Then my school closed and I was laid off. I couldn’t get on anywhere else. The hotel manager offered me full-time hours.” No need to tell Ben about Derek. “After the first year, head office noticed our hotel didn’t have the volume of complaints others in the chain did. Somebody decided I was the reason and things kind of took off from there.”

“Good for you.” Ben’s stare seemed riveted on her.

“Thanks. I loved my job, but I need a break, so I’ve taken a leave.” She shifted uncomfortably, answering Mikey’s question about the right color to use for the stone house he was drawing while trying to think of a way to ignore questions she knew Ben would ask.

“You could do the same sort of thing here, with your aunts’ ideas,” he mused. “But you want to go back to the city.”

“No.” Victoria’s emphatic denial startled him. “I’m happy to bend over backward if the aunts ask me to. I just don’t want them doing it.” She could see he still didn’t get it. “They should be retired, enjoying life.”

“They’re not enjoying life now?” He chuckled. “Could have fooled me. I’ve only been here a day but it looks as if those two ladies are having the times of their lives.”

“I mean I want them to slow down, not take on even more. They’ve already got their fingers in so many pies.” She ticked them off on her fingers. “Missionary society, teaching quilting to high school girls, programs at the seniors’ center, not to mention their letter-writing and tons of stuff at their church.” She bit her lip before lowering her voice. “Tillie and Margaret are my family, Ben. I don’t want them worn out or tired. Inviting kids, keeping them busy, handling the seesaw of teen emotions and staff issues—I don’t want them upset by that.”

“Because you love them.” Ben nodded in empathy. “And maybe you’re afraid of losing them?”

Victoria jerked her head up to glare at him. Then she wearily nodded. It was an unspoken truth she’d never dared voice.

“I get all that, believe me. You’re a good daughter and you want the best for them.” Ben held her gaze. “But Tilly and Margaret aren’t the type to be content sitting in their chairs, watching television or playing cards. You must know that, Victoria.”

“Yes.” Slightly annoyed that he was so perceptive, she was also relieved to have her thoughts challenged. “I guess it’s a good thing I’m here.”

“Part of God’s plan,” he agreed with a grin.

Single mom—God’s plan? Victoria gulped. If Ben only knew.

“I don’t think God had much to do with my coming back to The Haven,” she muttered, feeling her face burn with shame. “Excuse me. I need to change before I make lunch.”

“But you said the soup—”

Victoria ignored him, scurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs as if dogs were on her heels. In the privacy of her room, she collapsed on the bed and gazed at the molded plaster ceiling.

Part of God’s plan, Ben said. As if God would be part of the mess she’d made of her life.

May the Lord bless and protect you; may the Lord’s face radiate with joy because of you; may He be gracious to you, show you His favor, and give you His peace. Numbers 6:24–26.

The aunts’ prayer over her the day she’d left The Haven made her wince. God’s face hardly radiated with joy because of her now. Except maybe in embarrassment.

Victoria’s hand slid to her stomach. Her fingertips probed, trying to feel some sensation that spoke of a baby nestled inside. She felt nothing physically. But deep in her heart, awe blossomed. That she was now responsible for another life brought tears to her eyes.

And yet—the aunts would want their young guests to be taught about God’s love, to see it reflected in the staff. Victoria had messed up so badly; she felt unworthy of preaching to anyone. She’d face dismay and revulsion in people’s—Ben’s—eyes when they realized that she hadn’t followed the Godly precepts she’d been raised on, hadn’t walked her talk.

He’d be disgusted when he found out she wasn’t the worthy daughter he thought.

Why did Ben’s opinion matter so much?

* * *

“Good morning.” Ben had been at The Haven for six days. He no longer doubted his theory that Victoria was pregnant.

Each morning, when he arrived in the kitchen, she was there, pasty-faced, desperately trying not to show her nausea, though she didn’t race from the room as she had before. He knew why. He’d seen her outside, before the sun rose, and figured she was trying to get the worst of her morning sickness out of the way while she walked alone through the cold, snowy world. When she returned, she was always pale yet composed, munching on a stash of crackers she kept in a container on the counter. She acted as if she thought no one noticed.

But Ben noticed and he felt a strong sympathy for her. In fact, he couldn’t stop thinking about Victoria and her baby, couldn’t stop wondering how a strong woman like her had wound up pregnant and unmarried. This morning was no different. His heart raced at seeing her standing in front of the massive gas range, stirring scrambled eggs as if it was what the two of them always did on Sunday morning.

Dream on, Ben.

“Good morning. Church today,” Tillie announced as she and Margaret came sailing into the kitchen.

“I think I might stay home today, Aunties.” Victoria slid fluffy eggs onto a platter, set it in the middle of the big round table. She added buttered toast and a carafe of coffee.

“My dear, are you still unwell?” Though she ducked, Victoria couldn’t avoid Margaret’s palm on her forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”

“I’m fine. Just lethargic. I think I need to rest.” Victoria set a glass of milk in front of Mikey, smiled and ruffled his hair.

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have gone for such a long walk this morning then, dear.” Tillie sat, placed her napkin in her lap and bowed her head. Silence fell as she said grace aloud. Then she looked directly at Victoria. “I’m sure you’ll feel better once the service begins.”

Ben smothered his smile when Victoria exhaled. Weak, timid old ladies? Hardly.

“You’ll come along, too, Ben.” Margaret nodded at his start of surprise. “You can sit in the front seat of the car. There’s plenty of legroom.”

Thus, when breakfast ended and the kitchen was restored to order, they all attended the local church. Inside the white-steepled structure, Ben silently commiserated with Victoria’s reluctant presence, while obediently sitting where indicated, next to the ladies. Victoria was dispatched to escort Mikey to the children’s service upstairs. When she didn’t slide onto the pew next to him until the congregation was well into the first hymn, he knew she’d taken her time returning. She managed a smile when the pastor welcomed her back and nodded at those who turned to glance at her.

But Ben knew Victoria longed to be anywhere but here. In fact, during the minister’s sermon on the love of God, he happened to glance at her down-bent head and saw her dab at her eyes several times, accompanied by a sniff.

Strong, capable Victoria was crying. Why did that make him feel so helpless? Why did he want to comfort her? She wasn’t his responsibility and yet this plucky woman’s distress tugged at his heartstrings. He intrinsically knew that she’d lost at love, that what she’d hoped for had not come to fruition and that, besides leaving her job, she’d left behind the guy who held her heart. The guy who was the father of her child. Yet, as far as Ben knew, she’d still told Tillie and Margaret nothing. Why?

As they rose to sing the closing hymn, Ben glanced at his hosts. Couldn’t these usually astute ladies see that something was wrong? That the young woman they’d raised was desperately unhappy?

But as they chatted with friends in the foyer, on the ride home and all through lunch, Tillie and Margaret seemed oblivious to Victoria’s distress. They giggled at Mikey’s knock-knock jokes as if all was well.

When the two seniors finally left for an afternoon nap and Mikey was engaged in a Disney movie on television, Ben couldn’t remain silent any longer.

“Why don’t you tell your aunts you’re pregnant, Victoria?” he asked baldly, hating the way she winced at the word.

“How do you know—it isn’t—you don’t understand.” She shoved a handful of dark hair away from her face and picked at invisible threads on her jeans.

“What’s to understand? You’re going to have a baby.” Ben shrugged. “You’re not the first single woman to do that and you won’t be the last. Life happens.”

“Unmarried motherhood doesn’t happen to girls Tillie and Margaret taught to revere God and keep His principles,” she shot back, her voice shaky. “That’s sin.”

“I haven’t been a Christian very long,” Ben said, frowning at her. “But it seems to me that even David, a man after God’s own heart, sinned. And God forgave him.”

Her lack of response made him wonder if Victoria had even heard him. With her arms wrapped around her waist, she rocked slightly back and forth, her white face pinched with sadness and stained with tears. Beautiful but heartbreaking. And sort of remote.

“Victoria?” He touched her shoulder. “What about the baby’s father?”

“He doesn’t want me or the baby.”

“Are you sure?” Ben found himself curious—too curious—about that answer.

“He doesn’t want a child in his life. It would wreck his plan, weigh him down with responsibility for someone other than himself.” She gave a tiny huff of laughter. “It took me five years and a ghastly mistake, but the one thing I finally realized about Derek is that he always ducks responsibility. He doesn’t have the ability to see beyond his own needs.”