Читать книгу Men of Honour: Ready, Set, Jett / When You Dare / Trace of Fever / Savor the Danger / A Perfect Storm / What Chris Wants / Bare It All - Lori Foster - Страница 22

WHILE SIPPING COFFEE and watching her sleep, Dare went over possible scenarios for the day. First on the agenda, he had to decide what to do with Ms. Molly Alexander.

He couldn’t just dump her, because she shouldn’t be alone right now and didn’t seem to have anyone to go to. She refused the police, not that they could be of much help anyway. So, then … what to do with her?

It wasn’t like he could keep her.

He wanted to get back home to check on his girls, and thinking that, he lifted his cell phone and put in a call. Chris Chapey, his personal assistant, answered on the third ring.

“Hey, Dare. I want to hear some good news.”

Dare rolled his eyes. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t get Chris to answer the phone properly. Sure, Chris always checked the caller ID first, so he knew it was Dare, but still … “Alani is with Trace now.”

“Fucking-A. Perfect news.” But then, with more sensitivity: “She’s … okay, isn’t she?”

“Depends on your definition of okay, I guess. But I think she’ll recoup. It’s for certain that Trace won’t let her take another vacation without him—not for a hell of a long time.” Or until Alani had a man of her own to keep her safe.

“Can’t say as I blame him,” Chris said. “I assume that you got through things unscathed?”

He glanced toward Molly, asleep in the bed. A bed they’d shared—in the platonic sense. “More or less.”

“So, when are you going to be home?”

“Not sure yet. I have a—” Suddenly, as if she’d felt his gaze, Molly’s eyes opened. They were puffy from sleeping hard, and a little unfocused—until they locked on his. She again gave him that startled, caught look. “A complication.”

Showing no reaction to that, Molly rolled to her back a moment and yawned, then pushed back the covers and sat up. She gingerly stretched and winced. Beneath the now-wrinkled clothes, Dare noted once again that although she was thin, she still had an abundance of curves.

How the hell had he ever missed that? Not that he’d been checking her out, but it was a little hard to miss now that he had noticed.

Shoulders slumped, Molly sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, just breathing and maybe taking personal stock of aches and pains. He was willing to bet she had plenty of them.

Finally, with a deep sigh, she stood and padded barefoot for the bathroom. He noted some definite curves in the back, too, defined beneath the body-hugging shorts and loose T-shirt.

She looked less wobbly today, so the sleep and food must have done the trick.

When she shut the door, Dare realized that Chris was talking to him and he hadn’t heard a word.

“I need to go.”

Chris snorted. “No being cryptic, boss man. If you’re in trouble—”

“I’m not.”

“Then what’s the complication?”

“Nothing I can’t handle.” He hoped. “Everything will be fine.” Somehow he’d make that true. “I’ll call you later when I finalize my plans.”

Molly emerged from the bathroom, her face damp, her thick, tangled hair everywhere. But today, rather than looking like a wreck, her wild hair just looked … freshly tumbled.

She came over to sniff the coffee, lifted a cup in hopeful question, and Dare nodded.

She mouthed a heartfelt, Thank you.

In the bright sunlight, her brown eyes looked less wary, but the bruising under and around them had deepened.

Shit.

Dare gave his attention back to Chris. “Give the girls some hugs from me.”

“I’m keeping them happy, don’t worry.”

He never did. He trusted Chris with his life—and his girls. “Later.”

Dare closed the phone and eyed Molly. She avoided his gaze, which he found curious. “How do you feel? And don’t sugarcoat it.”

Her lips curved in the briefest smile. “Glad to be alive and free. But also achy, still a little tired. And starved.” She peered at the arrangement of food. “Not to impose, but is any of this up for grabs?”

“I’ve already finished, so help yourself.” He watched her sit and open up all three containers, finding scrambled eggs, bacon and toast.

Her eyes widened, then narrowed with hunger. “It’s an absolute feast.”

“Hardly that.” Her mood this morning threw him. He hadn’t expected her to be … chipper. Or maybe it was more complacent. Either way, he’d been prepared for the shock to take hold.

Instead, she behaved as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

“For me, this is the most delicious-looking food I’ve seen in far too long, so thank you. And don’t worry, I really do have money to repay you for everything. Just keep a tally of it all, if you don’t mind. My math skills have always been lacking and … I don’t have a notepad or pen.” She glanced up at him. “At least, not with me.”

Discolorations in blue, purple, green and black marred her skin from her eyes down to her toes, and she spoke as if the cost of a diner breakfast mattered.

“How long have you been up?” She tasted the eggs, tore open a salt and pepper packet, seasoned them, then tasted again. With a roll of her eyes, she said, “Oh, Nirvana.”

Dare enjoyed her expression of greedy bliss. “I woke a few hours ago.” Still at your side, with you squeezed up against me. He’d awakened with women many times, but never a woman like her, never a woman in her situation.

She’d been dead to the world, and still she clung to him so tightly that he had to pry her loose before sliding out of the bed and away from her. After leaving her, he noted the fading of her warmth against his skin, and how her scent still clung to him.

Disturbing.

“What time is it?” She bit into the bacon and chewed with delight.

“Noon.”

“Wow. Late for you, I bet.” Her gaze flashed up with a hint of humor. “You being such an orderly, organized guy.” She emphasized that with a peek around the room. He’d already made his bed, because he hated the clutter of rumpled blankets and really didn’t want housekeeping around his stuff.

Dare shrugged. Usually he rose before dawn, but he’d needed the rest, too. Leaning forward, he tried for a note of seriousness. “So, Molly, what do we have on the agenda for the day?”

She paused with another bite of bacon almost to her mouth. Her hand dropped back to the table. “Well, I’ve been thinking about that.”

“While you were in the bathroom for, oh … thirty seconds?” The rest of the time she’d either slept or talked. She hadn’t really had time to ponder things.

Her chin lifted. “Actually, since I woke up in your backseat and realized you weren’t with the bad guys, I’ve been considering what to do next.”

Amazing. He believed her, though. He hadn’t known her long, but he’d already figured out that she was that type of no-nonsense, get-it-together, make-a-plan woman. “Come to any conclusions?” He was dying to know.

“That depends.” She fidgeted a moment, then tilted her head at him. “Are you expensive, Dare?”

Now what was she up to? He crossed his arms and sat back. “Very.”

“So, that means you’re really good?”

His eyes narrowed, and he said again, “Very.”

Mulling that over, she nodded acceptance. “I’m not certain what type of work you do, but I know you carry a knife and a pretty big gun, and that you’re darned good at getting in and out of dire situations.”

All true enough.

“I trust what I know of you, and you did rescue me with no incentive other than that it was the right thing to do, so … I was hoping maybe I could hire you?” Very unsure of herself, she ended with a clear question, hoping for his cooperation.

Dare studied her, a little astounded, but also curious. But again, it proved nearly impossible to know what was in that quick mind of hers. So far just about everything she’d said or done had been unexpected.

“To do what, exactly?” If she thought he was a murderer for hire, he’d just have to set her straight. Yes, he’d killed, but only when necessary to protect an innocent. Never in cold blood. Never for money.

He was as law-abiding as the next guy—when he could abide the law.

Leaning forward in her seat, Molly put her elbows on the table and stared him in the eyes. “Someone wanted me hurt, I’m sure of that. Maybe he even wanted me killed. I need to know who he is, or I’ll never be able to relax. Until that person is revealed, I’ll need protection.” Her gaze dipped over his body, her lips rolled in, and she hurried her attention back to his face.

She let out a ragged breath. “God’s truth, Dare, I think you’re a man who could protect anything or anyone if you set your mind to it.”

Damn right—but he wasn’t yet ready to commit himself. There was a lot he didn’t know about Molly Alexander. He started with the most obvious. “You said he. You think a man set you up?”

Her mouth twisted. “Actually, that was just a figure of speech. I didn’t mean to leap to any conclusions. It could be anyone.”

No kidding. “Do you have enemies, Molly?”

She laughed with a near-hysterical edge, but she quickly regrouped and picked up some toast. “All things considered, apparently I do.”

He couldn’t argue that point. The more he’d thought about it, the more her theory made sense. Someone must have wanted her taken, because she wasn’t the young helpless innocent usually grabbed.

But he wanted to hear her reasoning. “What makes you so sure you weren’t just a random grab gone awry?”

“Besides the obvious unsuitability for the standard—being gorgeous, stacked, younger women?” A new edge showed in her demeanor, a renewed fear and anger. “I wasn’t treated the same. Not even close. They leered at the others, saw them as commodities, but they mostly just wanted to taunt me, as if they were allowed liberties with me that were forbidden against the others.”

“The bruises on your face,” Dare remarked aloud, and he had to tamp down his anger. “A bruised woman doesn’t sell for as much.”

She shrugged. “They never once struck the other women in the face. In fact, they might have manhandled them a little, but they didn’t hit them at all.”

“You egged them on.” Dare couldn’t get over that.

“Did Alani tell you that? Well, it’s true, I guess—and it sort of makes me sound nuts, huh?”

“I don’t know. Depends on why you did it, I guess.”

Her hands curled into fists. “They wanted to break me, and I refused. I was afraid that once I did, once I fell apart, they’d go ahead and kill me. Like maybe that’s what they were waiting for.”

She’d crumbled the toast, realized it, and brushed her hands before folding them in her lap. “Believe me, I was terrified, but rather than show them that, I showed them the scorn I felt.”

Again, she amazed him. She’d sized up the situation and rationalized a way to buy herself some time. “Go on.”

“I sometimes overheard them talking. Mostly in Spanish, and my skills are rusty at best, but when one of the guys got really furious with me, another told him that he couldn’t kill me. Yet.”

Dare said nothing as he absorbed that and considered the possibilities. They’d been waiting for something. But what?

“They followed someone else’s instructions.”

“Maybe,” he agreed. Why else would they have kept her instead of selling her or killing her?

She met his gaze. “And then one of them said that …” She trailed off, distressed, angry.

Anticipating her answer, Dare leaned forward. “What?”

Her brows drew together, and she closed her eyes. “That I had surely learned a lesson.”

He dropped back in his chair. Unbelievable. Had someone hired her abductors to torture her with uncertainty, cruel treatment, fear and humiliation? If so, it would have to be someone with a lot of hatred and resentment.

Someone she knew.

But how could one small, average woman incur that much wrath?

“Anyone obvious?” When she didn’t reply, he said, “Come on, Molly, you know I’ll need some specifics before I can be of any real help to you.”

Sighing, she again gave up on the food. “Let’s just say it could be anyone from my father and his associates, to my ex-boyfriend, to a disgruntled reader.”

Her boyfriend? Then the rest of what she’d said registered. “Reader?”

Again she faced him, her shoulders back and her chin up. “I’m a writer.”

“Published?”

She blinked before saying, “Well … yeah.”

An unspoken duh sounded in her words. Dare shook his head. “I’ve never heard of you.”

Something flashed over her features, maybe defensiveness. Had she caught grief for writing?

“You must not read dark, sexy romantic suspense.” She tipped her head, not really proud, but maybe … smug. “My fourth book is being made into a movie. There’s even talk of Ryan Reynolds playing the lead.”

Incredulous, Dare whistled low under his breath. “Son of a bitch. You really can afford me, then?”

She picked up her fork with obvious renewed hunger. “For the breakfast—and with your agreement, a whole lot more.”

MOLLY KNEW SHE’D thrown him with the bombshell about her career. But she couldn’t hide her identity forever. What he said was true: if she wanted his help, and she did, then he’d have to know everything.

In good time.

The food was so delicious that she devoured it all—or at least what she hadn’t destroyed while fretting through her theories. Afterward, she felt fabulous. Well, maybe that was stretching things, but she felt more human than she had in too many days. That hollowness in her gut was now satisfied. She felt stronger, steadier.

Dare had remained silent until she popped the last bite of bacon into her mouth and settled back in her seat with a sigh. “Thank you.”

Flinty blue eyes, bright in the sunshine pouring through the window, scrutinized her. “You won’t be sick?”

She shook her head. “Nope. I feel fine.” And this time, it was true.

“Should I get more? Maybe some cake or pie?”

The courteous offer, in such a mild tone, was at odds with his expression. He looked harder than ever, more capable of deadly force.

She didn’t understand him, but she trusted him. “I’m full, but thank you.”

Surprising her with his lack of questions, he stood and headed for the door. “I already showered and shaved.”

“I slept through that?” Disturbing, but then, she’d been so exhausted…. “I’m usually a very light sleeper.”

“Extenuating circumstances,” he said. “You can have some privacy for … whatever. I’ll be back within the hour.”

He shut the door before she could ask him where he was going. She had the distinct feeling that she’d run him off. He was such an independent, skilled person that being around someone like her, someone so damned needy, would probably suffocate him.

Determined to withhold further complaints, Molly got up and went to the window to look out.

Usually, whenever she admitted to being a writer, the questions started. Where do you get your ideas? How long does it take to write a book? How much do you get paid? How did you get started? She heard them often, sometimes with disdain when people discovered that she wrote for entertainment, not to impress the literary world.

Used to be, people asked her why she hadn’t been on Oprah, or had her books been made into a movie, as if either was something in her control and easily accomplished. But with the recent movie deal, at least one of those questions had been replaced with another: Can I borrow some money?

Nearly everyone she knew wanted into her pocket. Friends she hadn’t known she had showed up with great regularity. And when they didn’t want money, they wanted an inside edge to meeting a celebrity, to hanging with the “in” crowd.

Molly snorted to herself. She hadn’t changed, but everyone now treated her differently.

Pushing open the window, she let in the fresh air. Their room faced the parking lot, and she saw Dare get into his rented van and drive toward Walmart again.

If she looked to the left, she could just see the turbulent ocean as it teased a sandy beach, sending surfers atop waves, and then crashing them down again. People in Windbreakers strolled with their leashed pets. Lovers walked hand in hand.

Molly sighed and decided she could use another shower while Dare was gone. Maybe with enough shampoo and conditioner, she could ease some of the gnarled snags in her hair.

Sometime later, while she still stood under the warm spray, she heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Molly?”

He’d returned sooner than she’d expected—or she’d lingered longer than she meant to. “Be right out,” she called through the door.

“I got you some more clothes, so you don’t have to put the same ones on if you want to change.”

She chewed her lip. Yesterday he’d seen her in no more than a towel, but she hadn’t been capable of presenting herself any differently. Today, feeling stronger, she wanted to be less of an imposition on him.

“Just a second.” She stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around herself and cracked open the door. “You didn’t need to do that.”

His gaze dipped from her face to her barely visible right shoulder, and back up again. Handing in the bag, he said, “There’s more out here, but this ought to get you started. I stuck the toothbrush and toothpaste in there that I bought yesterday, too.”

Biting her lips in a long-standing habit, Molly nodded. “Thanks.”

He put a hand on the door, keeping her from closing it. “You sure you’re okay?”

Why her heart thundered that way, she couldn’t say. She did trust him. But now that she wasn’t so debilitated, everything seemed … different. More intimate somehow. “Almost like my old self.”

His eyes narrowed the smallest bit. “You still look shaky to me.”

A little, but that had more to do with talking to a big, powerful man while wearing only a towel than with her past ordeal. “Not at all.”

“You’re pale.”

Odd, since she felt flushed. “My natural coloring?”

He considered her a moment more and must have decided to let it go. “I’ll be here if you need anything.” He released the door and stepped away.

Breathless with some unidentifiable emotion, Molly closed the door, locked it with an audible click that made her wince, and dropped back against it.

From the moment she’d laid eyes on Dare, she’d been aware of his size, his strong shoulders, bulging biceps and broad chest. For her, his strength equaled safety. He’d proved a capable lifeline when she needed one most.

Now that she could think clearly and those awful shakes had mostly subsided … she saw him as a man.

And what a man.

Why hadn’t she noticed before how … how gorgeous he was? She was alone in a small hotel room with over six feet of sexiness. Windblown brown hair, piercing blue eyes, quiet control … Her heart continued to thunder.

She’d slept with him last night, curled tight along his side for comfort and security….

Oh, God.

Heat flooded her face, and she pressed her hands there. On the phone, he’d mentioned “his girls.” Did that mean daughters? Or maybe romantic involvements? And who had he been talking to? If he was in a relationship, had she inadvertently trespassed?

“Molly?”

Startled, she jumped away from the door. “Yes?”

“Are you going to finish your shower or not?”

Her eyes widened. Could he see through the damn door? Or was he just so attuned to everything and everyone that he heard her utter stillness in the bathroom?

She cleared her throat. “Yes, getting to it right now.” Then she frowned and added, “Turn on the television or something.” She didn’t want him listening to her every movement.

When she heard the TV turn on—loudly—she rummaged through the bag he’d given her.

Toothbrush and toothpaste! Absurdly excited, she ignored the clothes and went scouting through the rest of the items, finding lotion, nail clippers and an emery board, a razor, and better shampoo and conditioner.

God love the man. How could someone so gruff, so … deadly, also be so sensitive?

Thrilled, she climbed back in the shower with much of her stash. Unmindful of wasting water, she cleaned her teeth until her mouth felt fresh again. The shampoo and conditioner had a pleasing scent and went a long way toward making her hair feel less like a rag mop. She even shaved her legs, careful of the scrapes and uglier bruises.

By the time she finished her shower and dried off, her newfound energy had waned. But she wasn’t about to put on the new clothes he’d bought until she slathered on the lotion and clipped her ragged nails.

The clothes were similar to what he’d already brought her, just in different colors. Except for the panties; they remained plain white cotton.

Dressed, refreshed but tuckered out, she opened the door and stepped out to find Dare ignoring the blaring television as he stood to the side of the window, peering out. He looked suspicious of something, or someone.

Her heart tripped. Another threat? No—no, it couldn’t be.

Molly was about to query him when he said, without looking at her, “All done?”

She didn’t want to sit on the bed, so she went to the small table and pulled out a chair. Once again, he’d cleared away their breakfast mess. Dare did have a thing for order and cleanliness.

“I almost feel human again.” What did he see outside that window?

“Good.” He dropped the curtain and stepped back, then glanced at her. “We’re leaving here.”

“We are?”

With a nod, he said, “Today. I’ll see if I can get us a flight home, and if not, we’ll move to another hotel.”

A flight home? His home or hers? And then what?

Nothing had been decided. The threat to her existed as strongly as ever. Shaken and again uncertain, she accepted that something must have happened for him to react like this.

Or maybe he’d felt that spark of interest from her … and he wanted no part of it. Remembering his concern for his girls, Molly started to tremble. Who were they? Dare didn’t notice her reaction as he put in a call to “Chris” and gave instructions that she barely registered.

Was Chris his girlfriend? Or … more? She supposed Chris could be a male friend, or maybe just an employee or colleague.

She should just ask him—but his personal life was no business of hers.

Dare closed the phone, set it on the desk, crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her.

Her mouth went dry … until he said, “I bought the scissors you wanted. But before you use them, I want you to at least try to get the tangles out.”

IT ANNOYED DARE, THE way she insisted that she felt fine. Anyone could see that the remnants of her nightmare still dragged at her. He knew from experience that an emotional drain could be as bad as, sometimes worse than, physical exhaustion.

Silent, withdrawn from him, she ruthlessly tugged the wide-toothed comb through her hair. As much as Dare tried to ignore it, he … couldn’t.

Shoving away from the window and the beat-up red Ford truck he’d been watching, he stalked to her chair, pulled it from the table so he could get behind her, and said, “Let me have it.”

Twisting around to stare up at him, she asked, “What?”

“The comb.” He took it from her hand. “You’re just yanking through the tangles.”

Her eyes widened at him. “Because it’ll take all day otherwise.”

“You need to learn some patience.” Lifting a hank of hair, he started at the bottom and used his fingers to separate the biggest tangles, then eased the comb through, working his way up until that hank of hair was smooth. When he finished, he went on to the next section.

Frozen, too quiet, Molly never objected when the comb snagged and pulled. He needed to get her talking again. Before they left the room, he wanted to know as much about her as he could.

“You mentioned a boyfriend.”

“Ex.”

That implied a conflict—possibly big enough to account for an abduction and deliberate mistreatment? “Tell me what happened.”

She shrugged. “He wanted me to buy him rims for his car. I refused. We argued, and … things just fell apart.”

Unable to imagine that, Dare frowned. “Why would he want you to buy him rims?”

One shoulder lifted. “I’d gotten a big check from the movie deal, so I guess he figured I could afford it.” She tilted her head around to see him. “He wasn’t the only one who thought I should have been bestowing gifts. Actually, just about everyone thought I should share.”

“I don’t know about everyone, but your boyfriend sounds like an ass.”

“Ex.” Her laughter surprised him. “And I guess he is. But I didn’t know that until my career took off. Before that, he was generous and fun. It’s not like he’s a pauper himself. Adrian owns a bar, and it does pretty good.”

With the back of her hair now smooth, Dare moved to her side. “So, just out of the blue, he asked you to buy him things?”

“Sort of.”

He watched her profile as he worked through the tangles and saw her chin tighten in memory.

“We were heading home after lunch, and he pulled into this specialty shop, saying he wanted to look at some things. Car stuff bores me, but I went in and waited around while he and a salesman talked for what felt like forever. Then he came over to me and showed me the rims he wanted.” She shook her head. “I know nothing about rims, so I just oohed and aahed over them, you know?”

Dare nodded. “Patronized him.”

“Well … Yes, I guess.”

Dare didn’t fault her for that. “And?”

“He told me he couldn’t afford them. So I asked why we were there, then, and he got frustrated with me.”

Molly Alexander was an upfront, tell-it-like-it-is kind of woman. Subterfuge would be wasted on her. Imagining it almost made Dare smile. “You weren’t picking up on his cues.”

“Apparently not.” She moved suddenly, saying, “Really, Dare, I could finish this.”

He held the comb out of her reach. “You had your chance.” He liked to finish what he started. And besides, he was sort of enjoying it.

Resigned, Molly crossed her legs and arms and shrugged.

Prompting her, Dare said, “You argued over the rims? There at the shop?”

“More or less. When he flat out said that I could afford them, and he wanted them, I just laughed. I mean, what do I want with rims? It’s not so much that he asked me to buy him things, but how he did it. Just … demanding almost. And then he got furious, causing a big scene.”

Dare shook his head.

“It was ridiculous and embarrassing, and when I told him to knock it off, he stormed out.”

“Must have been an uncomfortable ride home.” Although he figured that in most situations, Molly could hold her own.

She snorted. “I wouldn’t know. I took a cab.”

“He left without you?”

“He was still railing when I left the store to follow him, so I refused to get in the car until he calmed down. Calming down wasn’t his priority, so, yeah, he left me standing there.” She let out a long breath. “And for me, that was that. Later, Adrian tried apologizing, but I’m not big on public humiliation.”

“Few people are.”

“There’d been little things before then, and it all added up. The scene in the car shop was enough for me to realize how his true colors had begun to show once I started making more money with my writing. I made a choice not to be used.”

At least she hadn’t been in love with him, Dare thought. A woman in love didn’t let a few money disagreements, regardless of how unpleasant they might be, end things. “All done.”

She ran a hand over her hair, then looked at the small pile of hair on the table, comprised of the knots they’d pulled free and had to remove from the comb.

“Looks like we killed a rat.”

He almost smiled—and his cell rang. While he answered the call from Chris, Molly tidied up again, then took the brush he’d bought and went into the bathroom. He heard the blow-dryer turn on with a loud whir. She closed the door to spare him the noise.

“What do you have for me, Chris?”

“Your ticket, plus one, leaving SDM in three hours on a private Beechjet with seating for seven. I know that’s quick, but you said ASAP, right? Can you make that okay?”

Chris knew to always lead with the details. “You checked out the pilots?”

“Yup. Squeaky-clean records for both of them.”

“Then, yeah, we’ll be there.”

“One of the pilots gave me his number, so take it down just in case. He said with what you’re paying him, he can be flexible.”

Dare shook his head. Chris took far too much enjoyment in spending his money. After he’d written down the pilot’s name and cell number and stowed the paper in his pocket, Dare decided to clue Chris in. “Just so you know, I’m bringing plus one home with me.”

Chris fell silent, but it didn’t last long. “No shit? A girl?”

“Woman.” Dare again looked out at the parking lot. The truck was gone, but he didn’t trust it. He sensed they were being watched, and he fucking well didn’t like it.

“And you’re bringing her here?”

Yeah, unheard of. He’d kept his home sacrosanct from his business, but…. “It’s complicated.” Molly was nowhere near ready to travel yet. The long trip back to Kentucky would be grueling for her. But right now, it was the only way he knew to keep her safe until he got things figured out. “She’s hiring me to protect her.”

“From what?”

Dare dropped the curtain and looked toward the bathroom door. He pictured her in there, worn out but determined to get her hair dried. She was an enigma with a huge problem.

He shook his head, more at himself than for any other reason. “Honestly, Chris, I wish to hell I knew.”