Читать книгу Tree of Pearls - Louisa Young - Страница 8

I was in the bath when trouble came for me for the third and, pray god, the last time.

My habit in winter when I have nothing better to do is to lie in the bath, keeping warm, reading ancient novels, steamed fat from previous sessions. Comfort reading. I’ve done it since childhood: it makes me feel safe. Georgette Heyer, Catcher in the Rye, Raymond Chandler, Naguib Mahfouz, Madame Bovary. That’s where I was, one Tuesday morning in early December 1997, taking comfort after a time of turbulence; settling down and attending to the correct healing of wounds and to the immense and profound change which had come over my life. Out of all that the past months had thrown at me – and there was plenty, let me tell you – one thing stood out: I had discovered that my daughter had a father.

You may think that unsurprising – that she has one. Or surprising – that I didn’t know. You may have a point. But in my life many things are inside out or upside down. Here in the bath, I lie safe and warm with my hair swirling round me and only the tip of my nose out of the water, and think about them, think about the shape and nature of our life to come.

I raised my head from its underwater reverie because I could hear, through some strange relationship of vibrations between the telephone and the floorboards and the water, the ring of the telephone and the formal tones of a voice on the machine. Through the rush of water down from my hair and over my ears as I rose, I could hear that it was not a voice I knew. This made me a little nervous, because unexpected and unwelcome phone calls had been something of a feature of the recent … turbulence. Not the domestic turbulence. Another part. Anyway, I wouldn’t be getting out of the bath for whoever it was, so I turned on some more hot water, removed one of Lily’s sponge letters of the alphabet (G, purple) from under my arse where it had fallen, and resubsided, putting from my mind echoes of the dangers I had come through. It wasn’t Eddie Bates’s voice, and that’s all that mattered.

I lie, actually. It wasn’t Sa’id el Araby’s either. But I wasn’t even entertaining that thought. (Hey, thought, please don’t go, I’ll put on a floorshow for you …)

*

Three quarters of an hour later I trailed into the study, wrapped in a bath towel, and listened to my messages. My message. Simon Preston Oliver, please could Evangeline Gower return his call without delay, phone number on which to do so. Formal, polite, authoritative. No explanation, no introduction beyond his name. He could have been a fitted-kitchen salesman, except that he obviously wasn’t. Or someone from the accounts department ringing to cut off my electricity. I sniffed and pulled my towel up and went to turn up the heating, and I forgot all about him. I don’t want anything new.

First I’m just going to tell you what you need to know for any of the rest of it to make sense.

I’ll start with Janie, my sister, because I did start with Janie. I only ever had eleven months of my life without her – we were true Irish twins – until she died, and since then I’ve had her memory, and her child. My child now, since her birth and her mother’s death, five years ago. Lily, the light of my life and the most beautiful, kind, intelligent, magical creature God ever made, bar none, and no, that’s not bias.

Janie died in a crash. I used to think I killed her because I was riding the motorcycle she was on the back of, but I accept now that I didn’t. It’s taken a little while to realize that. In fact I’m still so … satisfied … with accepting it that I’ll say it again: I didn’t kill Janie.

Before the crash ruined my leg I was a bellydancer. I loved four things: bellydancing, motorbikes, Harry Makins and Janie. A year or two ago, I found things out about Janie which I don’t so much hold against her any more, though I did then. There’s no reason to withhold it though it’s not my favourite subject.

OK. She was a prostitute and a pornographer. I didn’t know until after she was dead. She lied to me. She used film of me dancing in her dirty movies. She wore my costumes while selling sex to my admirers, pretending to be me. Then she died, and left me alone with all that to deal with.

I’ve put all that down and my heart is not beating faster, my belly is unclouded. I don’t hate her any more.

Harry thought I knew about her … activities, and condoned them. This misunderstanding contributed to his throwing a chair out of the window at me, and me absconding to the Maghreb and Egypt for a couple of years to get over it. That was, oh, about ten years ago now.

Then a year and a half ago Janie’s hitherto absent boyfriend appeared, wanting Lily. He didn’t get her (that’s another story) but in the middle of this – not a good time for my family – a mad bastard called Eddie Bates turned up, with a psychotic crush on me, which had first blossomed without my knowledge twelve years ago, when I was a table-hopping bellydancer in the Arab clubs and Levantine restaurants of the West End of London, and he was a diner, a stage-door Johnnie who never – as far as I knew – approached me. Eddie – I am being deliberately light here, just giving the facts – did me wrong in many ways, and ended up in prison, though not for anything to do with me. Just because he was a rather successful drug baron and vice lord. Harry helped put him away. Harry, who when I used to know him had been a wideboy biker, had grown up into a policeman. Not that I knew, until it was all over.

I’m sorry if this is confusing. It confused me too.

Then Harry told me that Eddie had died in gaol, and I thought I was free. As free as I could be.

But then. Then I started getting curious and unpleasant letters and phone calls. I thought they were from Eddie’s wife, Chrissie. And then – well Eddie wasn’t dead, after all. He was alive, if you please, and in Cairo, having turned evidence on his nasty cronies and won himself in return a secret new life, from which he decided it would be fun to carry on tormenting me. By a peculiarly unpleasant and clever trick he got me out there. I went, and ended up saving him, maybe saving his life, by mistake I can assure you. I believed – and believe – sincerely and with good reason that as a result, he is granting me freedom from his attentions.

All these things seemed more or less resolved by November 1997. I had learnt something about Eddie, a realization and a resolution: I could ignore him. I could deal with him. I wouldn’t want to, but if I had to I could. I had done before. Twice. Three times – god, you see, I lose count. The time he pretended to have kidnapped Lily; the time he did kidnap me; and the time in Cairo. So now, if he wants to tweak my chain, as Sa’id said, so what? I have taken the chain off.

And Janie’s secrets were known and settling in the slow, drifting, mumbling way that revealed secrets do settle, finally joining the pile of family history like autumn leaves. Mum and I had talked.

And Lily, my little darling, my honey-gold curly-haired loud-mouthed sweetheart, had a father. And that was the future.

The father?

Oh.

It’s Harry.

He had slept with Janie, drunk, six years ago, under the impression she was me, apparently. Well after he and I broke up. She and I are (were?) very alike, physically. She’d been in his bed when he got home. Well, yes.

He wasn’t altogether a surprise. He’d told me it might be him. In fact he was something of a relief, given the other contenders – Eddie Bates (one of her regulars); a pimp-cum-policeman called Ben Cooper … but even so, yes. My old love is my child’s father. Exactly.

So all we had to do now was learn how to do it. How to have a father in our lives at all, our lives that had been just us for five years. In our flat. In our daily routines. In our priorities. He was keen, in a fairly tactful way, to do the right thing. The prospect was, quite frankly, terrifying.

But there he was, and he was Harry. Decent, responsible, handsome, funny, long tall Harry. DI Makins. Who I’d known so long. Since he was louche, disreputable, handsome, funny long tall Harry, wideboy biker. The one I used to fight with all the time. The one with my name tattooed on his long, rope-muscled, milk-white right arm.

Is any of this clear? To me it is. This is just the story of my life. I am so accustomed to melodramatic absurdity by now that I forget how strange it must sound to other people. One fruit of it, though, is that I am reluctant to take things at face value; reluctant to believe that every little thing is going to be all right, unless I personally make sure of it. Which is one reason why I am so interested in whether I can just let Harry be Dad in his own way. Trust him, is I think what I am talking about. Not so much whether he is trustworthy as whether I am capable of trust.

The other question, of course, was Harry and me.

Twice, since we parted, he has offered.

Twelve years ago, in that bar in Soho, I’d said: ‘Yes, and then not for a month.’

A year and a half ago after our last bout of chaos, I’d said no.

Two weeks ago I managed maybe.

‘OK,’ he said, his face quite steady, untroubled. ‘OK.’ And ordered a curry instead. And the moment had passed.

I wasn’t even sure it had happened at all.

Waiting for the curry to come he went and looked at Lily as she slept. Then when the silver-foil boxes were laid out on the kitchen table, we sat opposite each other to eat and I just stared at him. Letting it sink in. Lily’s father.

‘What do we do now then?’ he said. ‘If not fuck?’

For a moment I thought I was getting a second chance, but I wasn’t. He was just being … humorous. Cheerful. Open. Sarky.

It’s not that I turn him down because he’s not sexy. Sometimes, when we were together, I used to have to have words with girls who would become irrational in his presence. It was the combination of the cheekbones and the louche cockiness that did it. The cheekbones are, if anything, better, older; the cynical trickster boy has retreated though, in the face of something, as a grown man, which – well, he thinks it’s to do with Gary Cooper. Which side you are on. He decided, at some stage during the time when we weren’t seeing each other, that the villain’s black hat was all very well but he preferred a kind of lonesome maverick white hat. It suits him.

‘We … oh god,’ I said.

You’d think after my adventures I could deal with all sorts of things, but sitting at my kitchen table eating a prawn dhansak with this man I’d known a third of my life was proving to be too much.

He leant across the table and put his cool and gnarled hand on my temple, saying, ‘Sorry, darling. Impossible question.’ His ‘darling’ is more cabbie than Harvey Nichols. Harry’s not posh. He’s from Acton.

‘We eat,’ he said. ‘Let’s just eat.’

So we ate. Then we watched telly. For a while I shot him little sideways looks, to see if he’d changed in the course of the evening. Father of the child. Here and present. Sticking around, one way or another. He had changed, actually. He looked happier.

Then I fell asleep. Later he put me to bed, barefoot but clothed.

Lily came into my bed in the small hours, the child who for five years had been mine and now, suddenly, was his. She talks in her sleep; tonight she wanted me to help her because there were too many bananas. I murmured, ‘Of course I will, honey,’ and she rolled over and wrapped her arms round my neck and put her feet between my knees, and then woke up complaining that my hair was tickling her nose.

I couldn’t get back to sleep. I disentangled myself from my five-year-old octopus of love and wandered into the kitchen. There was Harry asleep on the sofa, all six foot four of him, oddly folded and sprawled, his arms crossed across his chest like an Egyptian mummy clutching his flail. His face was impassive, showing his age. He manages – even his face – to be both scrawny and muscular at the same time. What’s the word? Lean. He has those lines that cowboys have, the deep ones around the mouth, the ones that women take to indicate humour, natural intelligence and the ability to make a woman feel good. Of course he has those qualities too.

We have no streetlights up here, but by the light from the hall I could see, just visible where the sleeve of his ancient t-shirt ended, part of the curling tattooed wave that broke under the prow of the fully rigged HMS Victory on his left bicep, with the guiding compass-point star above it and the name in a furling banner beneath. Every eldest Makins son had had the Victory on his bicep since an early-eighteenth-century Harry Makins had served on board, as powder monkey or something, no one could quite remember what. Harry’s dad had wanted to break the tradition, and forbade all his sons from having any tattoos at all. Harry, with his historical loyalties and his rebellious nature, had celebrated his eighteenth birthday with Victory on his left arm and his twenty-first with the opening line of The Rights of Man like a bracelet round his right. For his twenty-eighth I had given him a tattoo of his choice. He had said he wanted a rose as he was getting soft, but he wouldn’t let me come with him to the parlour and he had come out with my name, damn him, in a curled tattooed banner wrapped around his arm beneath the bracelet of Thomas Paine.

I looked at him for a while as he slept. I used to kiss him, I thought. And shook my head violently, and went back to the child.

*

Lily, god bless her, took it entirely in her stride. As daddies are the men that live with children, so if Harry is her daddy of course he would be there for breakfast. Her logic is simple.

Mine isn’t. The reality of sitting round the breakfast table with them shook me about. Will she want him here for breakfast every day? My sole purpose in life is to look after her, to love her and save her from fear and shock, of which she had quite enough at her birth. She is innocence walking, and I am her minder. I make good. That’s my purpose. I make good for Lily. But for all the time Harry and I have had to wonder about how Harry As Dad, Us With Dad would be – before deciding to do the DNA test, since waiting for the results – for some things there is no possibility of preparation. We can’t know. We have no role models. No instructions. No guidance. Even less than people usually do. But this morning we have a masquerade of domesticity. (I put from my mind an image of a version of man woman child that was briefly here a few weeks before: Sa’id, Lily and I. Sitting about the breakfast table during the tiny moment when it seemed that anything could happen, and be all right.)

Now, here is Harry, having to go to work.

He had woken early and calling my name.

‘I’m here,’ I called, trying to call quietly not to wake her just as I realized she wasn’t in with me. I got up and went through to the kitchen.

Lily was there beside the sofa, blinking and smiling, with her curls all ruffled up and her eyes gleaming. She didn’t even look at me. ‘Dada,’ she said, in the sweetest little voice.

‘Oh god, hello,’ he said, with his hair all ruffled up too and confused amazement in his normally so steady green eyes. He looked back at me, and back at her, and shook his head as if in disbelief and said ‘oh god’ again. I thought Lily would make one of her clever comments about God, like why are you talking to God when you’ve only just met me, or something, but she didn’t. She just stood there in the puddle of her too-long pyjama legs and looked up at him with the sweetest little expression on her face. ‘Dada,’ she said again. Where the hell did she get ‘Dada’ from?

Harry wanted to hug her. He was embarrassed to because he was horizontal, in yesterday’s clothes, and half asleep. His limbs are so long and he didn’t know what to do with them. He is unaccustomed to hugging children. She reached over to him and patted his cheek. He looked at her, staring at her eyes. He sat up and leaned forward, his long back arching. He looked as if he might be going to howl with amazement and tenderness.

‘Hello, you little darling,’ he said. As he said it I realized how he had been holding himself back from her until now, now that his role is accredited.

She curled into herself. ‘Dada,’ she said. Coy as cherry pie. Inarticulate as a two-year-old. But getting her message across just fine.

He pushed back the blankets and swung his legs over the side of the sofa, squinting at his boots and shaking his head. He looked up at me. I had my face in my hand and was thinking about weeping. Or laughing. Something involuntary and physical, anyway.

‘Do you want some breakfast?’ he said to her.

‘First I go to the loo,’ said Lily, ‘and then I have breakfast.’ Ha ha! Letting him know how things are, how things work around here.

‘What do you have?’ he said, standing up, not knowing whether or not he was to go into the bathroom with her.

‘You can come in if you like,’ she said. In he went, and she started to explain about cereal, porridge, pancakes on highdays and holidays, melon that we had on holiday once and a naughty little horse came and tried to eat it.

I sat on the sofa. I had an image of a great big tiny girl’s little finger, with raggy nails and the remains of sparkly pink nail polish from a birthday party, and wrapped spiralled all around the length of it was long tall Harry. There could be worse ways for it to go, I knew. It was … all right. For them to be in love with each other.

The sofa was warm where he had been sleeping, but behind my neck there was a coldness. A sad little coldness, all the sadder for knowing it was absurd. But it was there. If you love each other then what about me? And they are blood. Blood closer than me. It’s Janie’s blood in there with them. Not mine.

I pulled the little feeling round from behind me and placed it square on my lap. ‘Don’t be daft,’ I said to it, not harshly, but it looked me square in the eyes and I knew it had a point, and that I would have to bear it in mind. Sitting there with his warmth under me, thinking about love, I wondered whether, if I had said yes, sex would have crowned us and saved us and thrown us to the top of the mountain whence we would have surveyed our glorious new future, clear-eyed and confident like Soviet youngsters saluting a five-year plan. Maybe. Maybe.

I could hear Lily instructing Harry in how to get her dressed and make her breakfast, and I felt very, very odd.

*

Harry went to work. As men do. Rise, kiss children, and go to work. God but it felt weird. A little version of normality suddenly and weirdly come to sit on my head. There hasn’t been a boyfriend in my life – my domestic life – for years. The last one, actually, was Harry. Then the years of travelling and running wild, then the years of just me and Lily.

Except Sa’id. But I’m not thinking about Sa’id.

And now here is Harry going to work.

As soon as he left, Lily and I looked each other and said, ‘well?’ At least I did. She didn’t. It was as if she knew everything, and didn’t need to talk to me about it. Didn’t need gossip, or discussion, or analysis, or reassurance.

‘Well, sweetheart?’ I asked.

‘What?’ she said.

Part of me yelled out, ‘Jesus fuck, five years of love and devotion and total non-verbal understanding gone, just like that, just because love has gone multilateral …’ A silent part, of course.

‘About the daddy?’ I said. The daddy we’ve been talking about so long, the daddy I promised you, the daddy you longed for and I wasn’t sure I could provide and now I have – what about him?

‘Why are you calling him the daddy? He’s just Daddy. Not the daddy.’

He’s just Daddy. She spoke as if she’s known him all her life.

‘Are you … is he OK? Are you pleased?’

‘Doesn’t matter if he’s OK,’ she said. ‘He’s my daddy so I love him.’

‘Oh,’ I said. How very easy this seems to be for her. How very misleading that impression might be.

‘You know, Mummy,’ she said. ‘Because it was his little sperm so he’s part of me and so we love each other.’

I don’t feel left out and I am not jealous. I’m really not. I can accept that I might feel these things briefly but they’re not … how I really feel. I really feel really happy that she is being so uncannily together about this. And I’m not sure I believe it. But she is looking at me, so straight and clear and young, and I find myself thinking, my god, maybe it is possible that she just is this well-balanced, maybe between her own natural self and my long devotion to her security she is capable of happily and harmoniously swanning into having a father after all.

But swans paddle furiously under the water.

No, go with it girl. Don’t look for grief. If there’s to be any you’ll notice soon enough.

‘Of course,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘You’re still my mummy even if it wasn’t your little egg.’

I was ridiculously pleased to hear it, and we walked to school as if nothing had happened, as if it was still just us, and then I came home and got in the bath.

*

Dressed again after my bath, I was staring out of my study window, looking out over the grey and yellow mouldy plum December skies and the chilling, battening-down rows of west London winter roofs, not applying myself to some negligible piece of work, wondering about Harry. It had been a few weeks since he had produced the official certificate of his right and duty to be around. He leaves nothing here. No detritus for me to clear away, nothing to suggest he’s coming back. Physically, he might as well never have been here. But he does come back. He’s been coming back for a while.

So now we arrange a semi-detached homelife for Lily, from scratch. I was hugely alert to what we could slip into. We needed to talk, and yet when we did there was so little to say. Perhaps we just needed to do. Perhaps I should, as Fontella Bass recommends, ‘Leave it in the Hands of Love’.

The phone rang. I stared at it a bit dopily, then answered. A stranger’s voice, a man, asking for me by my full name. Something put my hackles up. I am a most defensive and protective person. But I was prepared to admit that I was me.

‘This is Simon Preston Oliver,’ he said.

I was none the wiser, and implied it. And then remembered his name from the message.

‘Scotland Yard,’ he said.

Immediately I had a flood of the feeling I get when the school rings: they know parents and their first words are always ‘don’t worry, nothing’s happened to Lily’. I wanted this man to say these words of Harry. Why would Scotland Yard ring me, if not …?

‘Why?’ I said, not very intelligently.

‘I need to talk to you, Ms Gower, and …’

‘Is Harry all right?’ I interrupted.

There was a pause. ‘DI Makins is fine,’ he said.

‘Of course,’ I said. Still hurtling up the wrong track. ‘Isn’t that …’

‘I’m not calling about him, no. I need to talk to you about another matter. I could call on you later this afternoon, or tomorrow …’

I’m not having him here. I had enough of that in the old days with Bent Copper Ben Cooper calling round at all hours trying to blackmail me and ruining my life, before I knew Janie’s secrets and before … oh, before so many things.

‘Why?’ I said again. If it wasn’t about Harry, if Harry was all right, then there was nothing I could possibly want to know about lurking anywhere down this line of talk. This means disruption and I am trying to settle.

‘In person would be better,’ he said, cajolingly, setting my hackles right on edge.

‘Why?’ I said again. Using the weapons of a three-year-old, and leaving him sitting in the silence.

After a while he said, ‘We want to ask you some questions.’

Well, that’s subtly and fundamentally different from wanting to talk to me. But it doesn’t answer my question.

‘What about?’

‘Angeline,’ he said – which was wrong of him, and set my hackles flying from the ramparts. I object to chumminess in people I don’t know, particularly if we are obviously not getting on. I also knew I would have to talk to him. I knew I was being obstructive and silly. But that’s how I felt. He would have to tell me sooner or later, why not now? Why this secretive big-willy stuff? He did remind me of Ben.

‘Just what’s it about?’ I said, interrupting.

I could hear him thinking for a moment, and I heard his decision the moment before the answer popped out.

‘Cairo,’ he said.

Cairo.

El-Qahira, the victorious. People who know it call it Kie-ear-oh, one long swooping melting of vowels in the middle. People who don’t call it Kie Roh. As he did. This was quietly reassuring. It meant that he didn’t know the city or, probably, anyone in it. But the reassurance was small next to my main reaction.

I have no desire to talk about Cairo. There is nothing about Cairo that bodes any joy for me and Lily.

‘I have nothing to say about Cairo,’ I said pompously. Breathing shallow.

‘Well let’s see, shall we? I’ll come to you at five tomorrow,’ he said, and the sod hung up.

I resolved to be in the park.