Читать книгу Walls of Jericho - Lynn Bulock - Страница 9

Claire sat on the side of the bed, wondering what to say. What have I gotten myself into? Was the question a prayer, or just an enquiry for her own spinning brain? She decided it had to be a prayer. She needed all the help she could get, because Ben’s answer was not the one she expected.

“You want to explain that?” Her lips felt slightly numb as she spoke.

Ben looked down at his magazine, then flipped it closed and tossed it to the floor, backing up on the pillow to give her his full attention. She wasn’t sure whether to be gratified or disturbed by the change.

“I know the safe answer would have been better, Claire. But it wouldn’t have been the truth. And we’ve always told each other the truth.” Ben’s blue eyes were frank. That was Ben. He didn’t ever pull his punches.

“If my answer upsets you, it must be because yours is different. Does this mean that you’d do it all again, the same way we did it, without any questions? Even if you knew everything you know now?”

“Ten minutes ago I would have said yes. Of course.” Claire noticed that her feet were cold. And her fingers were, too. She pulled up into a ball on the bed, tucking her toes under the hem of her cotton gown. She must have shivered, because Ben pulled her close.

She felt as if she should pull away, given their discussion. Her husband had just told her that he might not marry her again at nineteen if he had the wisdom of a thirty-five-year-old. But still, this was Ben. He had been part of her life forever, or at least since she was barely fourteen, younger than Trent. “How can you say no?” she asked through lips that were still numb.

He pulled her even closer, and Claire snuggled in to his body. She felt traitorous for seeking comfort from the very man who had upset her, but there could be no one else for her in any situation. “I didn’t. You asked if I’d do it again. And I told you the truth. I don’t know.” He rested his head back on the headboard.

“Why don’t you know?” Claire wasn’t so sure she wanted to find out, but she had to ask.

“Don’t you ever wonder?” His voice sounded almost harsh. “What if we’d waited? What if you’d finished college instead of marrying me and having Trent so quickly? Would we still be here, living in your parents’ old house, in the town we both grew up in? I know I would have kept playing college ball. Maybe even gone pro instead of coming back here to run Dad’s hardware store. Don’t you ever think that maybe we could have done better?”

Claire buried her face in his neck, feeling his arm around her, knowing she could never have done any better than this. How did she tell him that, and still answer his question honestly? They were talking about two different things.

She was asking if he loved her in the same way, if he would go through all the thrills and storms of marriage again, knowing now what no nineteen-year-old could know. He was answering with a practical thought about the rest of their life choices.

To Claire, it was apples and oranges. To Ben, it was more like Golden Delicious versus Granny Smith.

“Claire? Now I’ve got to ask. You still there? It never takes you this long to answer.” He sounded amused and worried at the same time.

“I’m here. And thinking. Maybe if you put it like that, I’d have to answer the same way. Sure, I wonder what things would have been like if we’d waited. But I can’t imagine life without Trent and Kyle.”

“I can. We could afford vacations, have shrimp for dinner instead of hamburger, and I’d drive a convertible—”

Even without looking Claire could tell that her husband was grinning as he spoke. It made her want to poke him in the rib cage.

“But I’d probably hate every minute of it.”

Relief washed over Claire like a wave. “You had me worried for a minute.”

“Sorry. I didn’t intend to.” He kissed her softly, first at the hairline and then on the lips, gently. “You know I don’t like worrying you. You worry too much as it is.”

“Who, me?” Claire batted her eyelashes at him, watching him smile.

“You’re the queen of worriers.” But the words were teasing and familiar, making Claire smile.

She didn’t feel cold anymore. But she was getting sleepy. “Want to turn out the light?”

Ben’s answer was to reach his free arm over to the nightstand and find the lamp. In a moment they were in the dark, with only the crickets and peepers for company.

Did those stupid frogs ever shut up? Ben lay awake in the dark, listening to them. Every spring Claire could hardly wait to open the windows in the bedroom while they slept. For him, it was four to six weeks of aggravation. When the pollen wasn’t killing him, the frogs were keeping him up. Still, Ben didn’t have the heart to ask her to sleep with the windows shut all year round. He got his way most of the time. What were a couple of nights of rocky sleep?

Besides, if he were truly honest with himself, it wasn’t the frogs that were keeping him up tonight. It was Claire’s question, and the look on her face when he answered. For a minute there, he thought she was going to lose it.

This was one of those times when a polite lie would have been better than the truth. But polite lies had never been what he and Claire told each other. Not for things that really counted.

Of course, there were his business worries. But the store was his problem. Definitely not something he needed to share with his wife. A good accountant, maybe. But the conversation they had just had was something different.

Running it through his mind, he was still confused. Even his more complex answer wasn’t what Claire had wanted. What was she really asking, anyway? It was harder to figure out his beautiful wife than to figure out some of his customers at the store—even the ones who came in with half a part missing from something, having no idea what they were looking for.

She had looked so beautiful today. He’d been struck in the church hall, watching her talk to Hank and Gloria, how little she’d changed in twenty years. If he closed his eyes a little he could imagine that the woman across the hall was wearing white satin and his freshly bought ring.

Now there was one of the things he’d do differently if he could. He would have bought Claire a diamond to go with that skinny little gold band. Not that there had been many times when he could have afforded a diamond. Certainly none in the first ten years they were married. And not really now, either.

But she deserved the diamond. That was the kind of thing he was talking about. And if they’d waited to get married, would he really be running the store now? Yeah, probably by now. Thirty-five was ancient in pro football. But surely he would have gotten his chance for a couple of years. Between college and running the store there might have been somebody willing to pay the big bucks.

Claire could have her diamond. There’d be college savings accounts for the boys. Maybe even a new house in one of those subdivisions outside town where the doctors and lawyers all lived, instead of her parents’ house, which was older than him or Claire. Who could say?

So many facets of life might be different if he hadn’t talked Claire into getting married when they were both still teenagers. And how many things would be different if he hadn’t been somebody’s daddy before his twenty-first birthday? Not that he had anybody to blame for that but himself. Trent had been as big a surprise to Claire as he had been to Ben. They both adored him, and Kyle, too. The boys were great. Still, Ben had to wonder what life would be like without kids, or at least without kids so early.

Claire slept peacefully beside him. He listened to her even breathing, felt the soft exhalations near his arm. She was so sweet, so lovely that it didn’t seem like twenty years could have passed since their first date in high school. Wasn’t she still a freshman?

Ben shook his head. No, afraid not. Their oldest son had just finished freshman year. And Ben himself was the guy responsible for putting food on the table to feed two growing boys, and keeping a roof over their heads. No time to lose sleep over daydreams of what might have been.

For a change he decided to really listen to the dumb peeper frogs. Maybe if he listened long enough, they’d bore him to sleep. This late at night, anything was worth a try.

The next morning Claire had to face the fact that her sister was going home to California. “Are you sure you have to go back so soon?” Laurel didn’t look happy about her decision, either. To Claire, Laurel seemed close to tears as she picked up the last suitcase.

“I don’t want to. When we made the reservations it made perfect sense to just come for the long weekend and then go back there,” Laurel said. “I’d forgotten how different it is here.”

“It has to be a change from California.”

Laurel nodded. “In so many ways. When Sam was around it made sense to stay there. I mean, where else does a screenwriter make a living? But now that he’s gone, it just doesn’t make as much sense.”

“You’d have a revolt on your hands if you tried to move back here, though, wouldn’t you?” They looked out to the broad asphalt driveway between the garage and apartment and the main house. Laurel’s gangly son Jeremy was showing his cousins another trick on his skateboard, while Trent and Kyle had their in-line skates on and the hockey equipment out. Neither side appeared to convince the other that their way was better, but both were having fun.

Each taking a suitcase, the women went down the stairs. They put the baggage on the pavement for the kids to load into the car in a few minutes when Ben came back. “You know it. Jer is a California kid. He can’t imagine anyplace else. But I worry about the influences out there, and the schools and everything. I miss my family, and I guess I’m just too practical for California.”

“How’s that?” Claire asked, still watching the boys banter on the driveway.

“We could probably get by on about a third of what we do out there, if we moved back to Missouri. Not that Sam left me hurting for money, but I want to keep everything I can in savings to send Jeremy to college.”

“I hear you. It’s scary to think they’re that close to going, isn’t it?”

“Not that Jeremy appreciates the idea.” Claire could hear the aggravation thick in her sister’s voice. “He says he doesn’t need to go to college to be a pro skateboarder, which is what he wants to do.”

“But think of how much money it would save you. Surely, that’s what he’s thinking of, isn’t it? Trent hasn’t even tried the ‘I don’t need college’ argument. He knows that Ben and I are both determined that he’s going to start—and finish. There’s going to be at least one Jericho with a four-year degree around here.”

Claire felt her sister’s hand on her shoulder. “I always thought that you would be first.”

She looked at Laurel. Her sister wasn’t teasing. “Really? What would I do?”

“I don’t know. Art. Fashion design. Something using all those creative talents. You always did better in school than I did, Claire. It didn’t bother Mom and Dad as much when I dropped out after one year of college. But when you and Ben insisted you were getting married right away, and he was the only one going back to school, I thought Daddy would explode.”

Claire shrugged. “He survived. And so did I. And it really was for the best, anyway. What would I do with a degree?”

“Something. You’ve still got the same wonderful talent and creativity. It shows up in almost everything you touch, whether it’s painting the bathroom or putting together an outfit for Dad’s wedding. And it’s certainly wasted on your family.”

Claire bristled and started to argue. Then she closed her mouth. No sense getting into an argument with Laurel when they only had moments before driving to the airport. Especially when her sister was more than half-right. She was aggravating as only a big sister could be, but on track.

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. And I am about ready to do something different. What about you?”

Claire turned to her sister, surprised to see her eyes glittering with unshed tears. She hadn’t realized that Laurel was that serious about things. “Hey, we’ll both be okay,” she said, gathering her for a hug.

“I know,” Laurel said shakily, returning the hug. She pulled away, wiping one escaping tear off her cheek. “It’s just that everything is so hard sometimes. And I know what I want to do, but not whether I can do it.”

She looked back at the apartment. “Just don’t rent that out right away, will you?”

“I hadn’t planned to. Do you really think you could move back here?” The thought of having both her sisters close enough to visit with on a regular basis was a new and heady thing.

Laurel nodded. “I’m praying for change. And you know how dangerous that is.” Her use of one of their mother’s favorite phrases from their childhood made Claire smile. Ever the optimist, Susan Collins had told her daughters to pray for change, and then count on God to make it happen.

“But expect to be surprised.” Claire could hear her mother’s rich voice. “Because the Lord’s idea of change and ours isn’t always the same.” It hadn’t been in her mom’s case, that was for certain. Still, through six years of struggle with cancer and remission, and ultimately more cancer, Sue had found healing. It had always been there for her spirit, if not for her body in the end.

“Pray for some of that change for me while you’re at it.” Where had those words come from? Claire had surprised herself. Wasn’t she perfectly content with her life just the way it was?

No, she wasn’t. Her life was wonderful and fulfilling, but it was time for a change. Even in the warm June sunshine, the thought made her shiver.

Laurel saw her shudder, and put an arm around her again. It felt so good to have her comforting, annoying older sister this close. Maybe it would be a good idea to have her around all the time.

“We’ll pray for each other,” said Laurel. “For the most wonderful and dangerous changes we can think of. Now where is that husband of yours? It’s an hour drive at least to the airport.”

“Forty-five minutes,” Claire countered. “You forget how he drives. Still, I better go in and call.”

Claire went into the kitchen and punched in the familiar number. “Jericho Hardware,” said a friendly voice. It wasn’t Ben, which gave her hope.

“Hi, Pete. Great. Tell me you answering the phone means that Ben is on his way back here to get to the airport.”

“Uh, not exactly, Mrs. Jericho.”

Claire could feel her spirits fall. Not again. The young clerk sounded like he had bad news, or at least news he was reluctant to break himself.

“Do you want to talk to him?”

“Yes, please,” she said through tight lips. Pete put her on hold for a while. About the time she was ready to hang up, Ben finally came on the line.

“Hi. I’m not there, obviously. Something came up.”

It was all Claire could do to keep herself from scowling or saying something rude. If this weren’t a normal occurrence, she’d be pleasant. But it happened far too often lately. “Oh? Ben, you knew when you left this morning that you were supposed to be coming back to take Laurel and Jeremy.”

He sighed. “I know. But the person I’d set up an important appointment with, for tomorrow, just breezed in the door ten minutes ago. Apparently we got our days mixed up.”

“Can’t you just—” Claire started.

“No. I can’t do anything right now but stay here and be cordial.” Ben wasn’t leaving any room for argument or compromise.

That surprised her. Usually when this happened he tried to find some way to placate her. Not this time.

He went on, still sounding just as firm. “This is too important to do anything else. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Tell Laurel and Jer goodbye for me, okay?”

“Sure.” Claire hung up the phone and looked around the room for her keys to the truck. Great. It probably didn’t even have gas in it—not enough to get to St. Louis, anyway. At least it wasn’t rush hour.

“Looks like we’re on our own,” she told her sister.

Laurel made a face. “Lovely. Just promise me I won’t be explaining anything to the highway patrol. Although, I expect we could get Carrie to fix any ticket you got.”

“Not this month. I’ve already made my quota.” It was worth the teasing just to see the look on her sister’s face. Claire wondered what Laurel would say if she knew that her teasing had an edge of truth. She promised herself to watch the speed all the way to the airport. At least the boys were staying home, so there wouldn’t be anybody along to rat her out.

She called them to the truck to load the suitcases. If she was surrounded by big hulking males, might as well put those strong bodies to good use. No need to do everything herself, even if Ben was leaving her in the lurch. Again, a voice in her mind told her.

“Definitely pray for some change around here,” she told Laurel. “It’s about time.”