Читать книгу Hot Single Docs Collection - Lynne Marshall - Страница 68
ОглавлениеLUCY WAS STILL under Ryan’s spell until the door opened and Alexis rushed out, wrapping Lucy in a bear hug.
“Oh, Lucy, it’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.” Alexis sounded as if she was choked up with happiness.
Shame washed over Lucy as she stiffened in her twin’s embrace. Afraid Alexis would pick up on the slightest vibe, she returned the hug. She didn’t want her sister to know, wouldn’t let her know. She couldn’t hurt her sister.
Alexis released her and looked at Ryan.
Lucy gathered her thoughts enough to say, “Alexis, this is Ryan O’Doherty. A...uh...friend of mine.”
Ryan smiled his killer smile. “Hi, Alexis. It’s nice to meet you. I knew you weren’t identical twins but I still see the family resemblance in the eyes.” The O’Doherty charm was flowing.
Alexis grinned.
Lucy appreciated him picking up the introduction. It gave her time to gather herself.
“Y’all come in.” Alexis turned and opened the door wider.
Ryan’s large warm hand rested on Lucy’s back, a reassuring reminder that he was there for her. He had her back figuratively and literally.
“Your sister has a nice drawl but it isn’t as sweet as yours,” he whispered into her ear before closing the door behind them. As they entered the living area, a smiling Sam was carrying little Emily to meet them. Lucy froze. Ryan almost stumbled into her. Gracefully, he recovered and stood beside her. His hand brushed up then down her back, letting her know that he was aware of her response.
“Lucy, we’re so glad to see you. We thought if you were too busy to come see us we’d just come see you.”
“Hi, uh...Sam.” She faltered with his name, her attention so completely focused on Emily.
“I’m Ryan O’Doherty.”
She barely registered Ryan speaking. The two men shook hands.
Only because she’d lost the warmth of Ryan’s hand did her gaze break away from the baby. She had grown so much and become more beautiful since she’d seen her.
Sam pulled her into a one-armed hug and she returned it quickly. She never wanted to see that unsure look on Alexis’s face again.
Alexis’s attention turned to Ryan. “So, are you the doctor who keeps Lucy so busy that she doesn’t have time to call us?” She moved to stand beside Sam.
Ryan glanced at Lucy and winked. “We’ve been busy.” His look suggested something different than hospital business.
Lucy couldn’t help but give him a small smile. His wink always made her feel as if she belonged. He was trying so hard to ease her out of her worries but the intense jealousy stuck like chewed gum. Her attention turned back to the little cherub in Sam’s arms. She itched to reach for Emily and pull her close to inhale her baby fresh smell. But she couldn’t. It would be too hard to let her go. She stepped away to put some space between her and the child.
“This is Emily,” Sam proudly said to Ryan. “Our baby girl.”
For the first time the deep searing pain she normally felt when Sam made that statement wasn’t as strong. Thankfully the ache was easing. Becoming what it should be. Although everything in her still begged to reach out and take Emily, but she dared not do it.
“Come on in and have a seat.” Alexis directed them to the living area. Two sofas faced each other with a low table between them. “Let me take your coats. We thought we’d just have dinner catered in. It would be so much easier than going out with Emily. That way we can really talk.” She placed the coats over a chair near the door.
“That sounds nice.” Lucy forced out the polite comment as she took a seat on the sofa.
How had she let her feelings get so out of control that she had to make an effort to have a conversation with her sister? She didn’t like it but didn’t know what to do about it. It was as if she and Alexis were old friends trying to find common ground again.
They’d been everything to each other before Emily had come along. Alexis marrying Sam had changed things between them but that had been nothing compared to how they’d been after Emily had arrived. They’d once shared everything but now Lucy hid a crippling ugly secret.
Ryan sat beside her, not too close but near enough that his leg lightly touched her knee. The small contact fortified her.
“Before I settle down for a talk, I need to get Emily a bottle. Hope you like Italian, Ryan. It’s Lucy’s favorite.”
“I shouldn’t be surprised. She lives above an Italian restaurant.”
Alexis looked at Lucy. “Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, I haven’t had a chance to tell you,” Lucy said.
“Well, you’ll have to tell me all about it over dinner. It should be here soon,” Alexis said, before going into the other room.
The doorbell rang. “That’ll be our food,” Sam said. “Hey, Lucy, would you hold Emily while I get that?” He handed the child to her without waiting for a reply.
Could she touch Emily and not break down? She cradled the soft, cuddly baby to her chest with trembling arms.
Sam left them.
She nuzzled Emily’s neck, pulling her close.
“She’s a cutie,” Ryan said. “You’re an exceptional person Lucy Edwards.”
Her heart lightened. He thought she was special. She hadn’t realized how much she’d needed to hear that. Ryan being the one who believed she was incredible made it twice as nice.
Ryan offered his finger to Emily and she clutched it with a chubby hand.
Lucy glanced at Ryan. He watched her intently with a mixture of concern and amazement on his handsome face. Was he judging her reactions?
“How’re you doing?” he asked quietly.
“I’m making it.” She turned to Emily so that she could see the child’s face. Alexis’s features were showcased there, not her own. Something shifted inside her, allowing her heart to let go. She no longer felt like a spurned mother but an aunt. Still, her envy for what Alexis had still festered. She wanted her own child, a husband, family. To belong. To never be pushed out again.
“I’m proud of you.” Ryan gave her a quick kiss on the temple.
Alexis returned. “I see that Emily’s enjoying getting to know her auntie again. Hasn’t she grown?”
She gave them all a bright smile and took Emily from Lucy, who let the baby go with less reluctance than she’d expected. Mercifully, Alexis was so caught up in Emily that she didn’t notice how uncomfortable Lucy was. At least she’d been able to cover it well. Without Ryan’s reassuring presence, she would have broken down and spilled her horrible secret.
“She has grown. Is she a good baby?” Lucy managed to ask, clasping her hands together.
“The best.” Alexis sat, adjusted Emily and put a bottle in her mouth.
When Ryan’s large hand covered hers, Lucy held on tight.
* * *
Ryan was impressed with how well Lucy was handling what he’d come to realize was an extremely difficult situation for her. She was making all the right noises and had even held Emily without breaking into pieces. He was proud of her. She was trying, but the strain showed in the tension around her lips and her rigid posture.
He’d been emotionally empty after his father had died and had kept it together only because his sisters had needed him. He never thought he’d willingly be anyone’s emotional crutch again. Then along had come Lucy with her big blue eyes and quiet ways, and here he was doing everything in his power to support her, encourage her.
She could’ve done it without him. He’d seen her spunk and determination when she’d told him off. It had made him feel like he was important to her when she’d asked him to come along here. She believed she needed him.
Sam brought the food to the table and came back to join them.
“Here. You finish with Emily,” Alexis said, offering the baby to her husband, “and I’ll take care of the food. Lucy, come help me and we can talk.”
Lucy hesitated a second before she scooted away from Ryan to go to the dining table.
Lucy had given the impression she was shy when they’d met but in reality she had a backbone as sturdy as the Brooklyn Bridge and the sweetest way of showing a man that he mattered. She didn’t give half. She gave all.
He glanced away from where Sam was settling in a chair with his daughter to the women moving around the table. As always his attention rested on the gutsy blonde woman. Lucy would be a fierce warrior and protector of anyone she loved. That’s why she cared so deeply for Alexis and for Emily. It was who she was. She expected to receive the same in return. Would accept nothing less. Could he give it? He had no choice but to try, unable to imagine her not being in his life.
“Lucy’s a special person,” Sam said.
Ryan looked at him. Was that a warning? “Yes, she is. Very special.” He glanced in Lucy’s direction a number of times to check on her. The tension in her face had eased. He was sure that having something to focus her mind on helped.
Alexis obviously doted on Lucy. They shared some facial features but that was where the resemblance ended. Where Lucy was tall and unassuming, Alexis was petit and feisty. He liked Alexis but Lucy’s gentle, easy way suited him much better. Even Sam had shown his affection for Lucy in his hug when they had arrived and his smiles in her direction. She had a family who obviously cared for her so why did she feel like she was on the outside?
“Okay, guys, food’s on the table,” called Alexis.
They gathered around the small table. He let his leg touch Lucy’s. Just a reminder that he believed in her.
She gave him a weak smile.
Alexis spent most of the meal tending to Emily, who sat in a seat on the floor beside her mother. Sam watched the mother and child with a look of adoration on his face. Ryan now understood why Lucy felt like an outsider. Alexis and Sam probably had no idea of how they shut others out. Lucy would never tell them. She watched them also as if she couldn’t pull her eyes away.
“Lucy, how do you like that great big old hospital you are working in now?” Sam asked.
“It’s fine.”
“She stays lost half the time,” Ryan remarked smiling at her. “I’ve threatened to send a search party out for her a number of times.”
Lucy grinned but it didn’t reach her eyes.
“Sam, you interested in baseball?” Ryan asked, trying to steer the discussion away from her. Her face showed obvious relief when the conversation turned into a heated discussion about who would win the baseball pennant that fall.
During a lull, Ryan looked at Lucy. Her attention was on her plate as she pushed her food around. She had eaten little.
Alexis must have noticed also because she asked, “Lucy, are you feeling okay?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” Lucy sounded artificially bright.
Just then Emily demanded Alexis’s attention and she let the subject drop.
Sam, watching his wife and child, said, “Lucy, thank you so much for giving us this.”
If Ryan hadn’t been so in tune with Lucy he might have missed her barely perceptible flinch. That was the last thing she needed to hear. Emily was a gift she’d given her sister out of love and the Lucy he knew didn’t want them to feel indebted. Being reminded of what she’d done made her feel uncomfortable. He found her hand under the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She gripped it back as if it were a lifeline.
“This little one has fallen asleep. It’s time for bed,” Alexis said. “Lucy, would you like to help me?”
“Sure,” Lucy said, with little eagerness. Before she left the table she looked at him. He smiled encouragingly.
Ryan liked Alexis and Sam but couldn’t they see how hard this was on Lucy? If Alexis wasn’t so caught up in being a new mother she would notice Lucy was less than excited about being here. Lucy put on the same determined face he’d seen her wear when she was fighting for a patient as she followed Alexis and a drowsy Emily into another room.
He’d never been prouder of anyone. She was fighting an emotional battle like a champion. Heaven help him. He’d fallen in love.
It was a wonderful, scary and totally bewildering feeling. Yet somehow so right.
* * *
Lucy stood motionless in the doorway of the bedroom. Alexis would be destroyed if she ever found out her twin wanted to run.
Why couldn’t she handle this better? Her job was to help people through tough situations and she couldn’t even be rational about her own problems. Known for her calming and forthright encouragement with patients’ families, she was completely irrational where her own issues were concerned. She was such a fraud.
“Would you mind taking her dress off while I get her nightclothes together?” Alexis asked over her shoulder as she laid Emily in a crib. “I had no idea it took so much stuff to travel with someone so small.”
Lucy took a breath. Just knowing Ryan was close had gotten her this far. She stepped to the bed and began to undress Emily. The sleepy-eyed baby looked up at her with complete trust. Unable to stop herself, Lucy leaned down and gave Emily a kiss on her forehead.
She wanted what Alexis had. Not this child, but her own. A family.
Alexis’s bright sunny world was in complete contrast to the dark, lonely one Lucy lived in. Jealousy was a nasty emotion and Lucy wanted it to go away.
“I hate to wake a sleeping baby to change her clothes but I wanted her to look cute when you got here.” Alexis came up beside Lucy, who gave the job of dressing Emily over to her.
Minutes later, as Alexis finished tucking Emily into her crib, Sam entered and came to stand beside the crib. Lucy stepped back, giving him room. He kissed Emily then, putting an arm around Alexis’s shoulders, he kissed her temple. Together they looked down at their sleeping child. It was a poignant family moment.
A moment that Lucy wasn’t a part of. She and Alexis had only had each other for so long, and now Alexis had her own family. Lucy had been pushed out.
Panic, fiery and foul, bubbled in her. Disgust rose in her throat. She had to get out of here. If she didn’t she might burst. I can’t let her know. It might cut that thin thread of a relationship she still had with her sister.
With blurry eyes, she rushed out of the room. Ryan met her, his forehead wrinkled, and his look penetrated her. Why couldn’t she hide anything from him? “We have to go,” she said tightly, reaching for her coat. “I have to go.”
“You can’t just leave,” he whispered. “It’ll hurt your sister’s feelings.” He took hold of her shoulders, stopping her frantic movements.
“If I stay I’ll hurt her more,” she responded in quiet desperation.
Alexis and Sam joined them.
Lucy kept her back to them as she gathered her and Ryan’s coat from the chair. “We have to go. Ryan’s been paged. He has a patient he needs to check on.”
“Can’t you stay, Lucy?” Alexis said. The disappointment in her voice grabbed at Lucy’s heart.
“I have to go with him. We’re part of a special program. We have to see all the patients at the same time. Co-ordinated patient care.” She needed to slow down. Her words were running together.
“Surely you don’t have to make every visit,” Alexis insisted. “We haven’t really gotten to talk. I wanted us to have a real visit.”
“This is a patient in the ER.” Lucy slid her arm inside the sleeve of her coat as Ryan held it. She glanced at Alexis and came undone. The disappointment in her sister’s eyes made her heart clench. She was hurting Alexis, and she couldn’t stop herself. Her feelings were a huge monster rising up to consume her.
“Oh, well, I guess I understand.” Alexis didn’t sound as if she did. “We’ll see you tomorrow, won’t we?”
Ryan shrugged into his jacket and joined Lucy at the door. She looked at him and the worry in his eyes said he was only going along with her lies in order not to upset her sister further. The thin line of his lips said clearly he wasn’t pleased.
As Lucy opened the door she said, “I’ll have to see how it goes at work. I’ll give you a call.” She reached out and managed to give Alexis as brief and soothing a hug as she could manage.
Ryan waited until they were out of the apartment and in the dim light of the street before he asked, “Lucy, what happened?”
“I just couldn’t stay there any longer.”
She started down the street at a quick pace. Even with his long strides he had to work to keep up with her. “Come on, Lucy. Talk to me. I thought you were doing great.”
Releasing a huff of indignation loud enough to draw the attention of others passing by, she said, “No, I wasn’t. That...” she waved a hand in the direction they’d come from “...was my sister. She defended me. Took care of me. Supported and encouraged me all our lives. And me, I can’t even be happy for her.” The last few words came out almost as a sob.
Ryan grabbed her arm, stopping her in the middle of the sidewalk. “Lucy, listen.”
She jerked her arm away and continued walking. “I don’t want to talk about it any more.”
He followed a few steps behind her, letting her work off her anger and frustration. When she’d cooled down he’d hail them a cab. Three blocks later she paused at the cross streets. She looked up at the buildings as if searching for a landmark, then at the street signs, before her head went down and her shoulders slumped. She had no idea which direction to turn. His heart broke for her. She was lost, both emotionally and physically.
The innate need to protect and support this proud woman who gave to and cared for others so wholeheartedly welled up in him. She’d given her sister the supreme gift of a child but couldn’t see that because of the all-consuming dislike she felt for herself for desiring the same things out of life. Being around her had forced him to open up emotionally again. In that way, she’d even given him a gift.
He needed her. He didn’t know how it had happened but it had.
Catching up to her, he pulled her securely against him and wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t struggle. He held her a minute then raised a hand to get the attention of a passing cab driver. She said nothing as they waited for the yellow car to pull to the curb. “Come on, honey. It’s time to go home.”
* * *
Lucy used a determined voice to correct Ryan when he gave his address to the cab driver. “No, I want to go home.” She told the driver her street. He looked at Ryan for confirmation. Ryan nodded.
She allowed him to hold her close, appreciating his strength. How could he possibly stand to be around someone who resented her own sister’s happiness? She didn’t like herself and she couldn’t comprehend how he could either. Ryan was far too fine a man to have anything to do with a person who didn’t have the capacity to love unconditionally.
The drive to her apartment was too short because she didn’t want to lose the feel of being in Ryan’s arms but too long because all she wanted to do was crawl into bed, curl up in a ball and pretend she didn’t exist. As the driver pulled onto her street she said, “Ryan, keep the cab. I’ll be fine going up myself.”
“I’m coming with you.” The tic in his jaw and the tone of his voice said he wouldn’t be dismissed that easily.
Their feet made clomping noises as they climbed the worn wooden stairs to her floor. Ryan’s hand rested at the slope of her back. She was exhausted in mind, body and particularly spirit. When she was unsuccessful at putting her key into the door lock the second time, Ryan took it from her and opened the door. He followed her in and closed the door behind him.
She went to her bed and sank down on it. He came toward her and she looked up. Why didn’t he go home? “I’d like to be alone.”
“Lucy...” He sounded so unsure. “Don’t push me away. I want to help. But I don’t know how.”
“You did what you could by being there with me tonight. There’s nothing more you can do.”
“But you’ve got to work this through. Go back and talk to your sister. If not now, call her in the morning.”
“I can’t.”
Ryan paced to the window and back. “No, that’s not true. It’s that you won’t.” He sounded disgusted.
She jumped up, faced him. “How can you say that? I did what you wanted. I went to see Alexis. Did you see what happened? I couldn’t handle it.”
Ryan’s look didn’t waver as he leaned toward her. “No, I didn’t see that. What I saw was you trying despite your fear. You made the effort. You care about your sister. Emily. Even Sam. Everyone. And they care about you. You may not see it but I do. In fact, you wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t care.”
“I can’t tell her how I feel. She wouldn’t understand. How can I explain what I don’t understand?” She buried her face in her hands. “I’m just too ashamed.”
He let out an exasperated breath. “Doing brain surgery is easier than getting through to you.”
She glared at him. “You making a joke isn’t going to make this one go away, Ryan. You can’t make this all better for me. I’ve decided to stay out of my sister’s life. It’s for the best.”
“This isn’t the real you. Where’s that woman who told me off and made it clear I wasn’t her date at a party? The one so intriguing to me that I couldn’t stay away from her? The one who made me want to get involved no matter how hard I tried not to? The one willing to fight for her patients?”
She sat on the edge of the bed again and looked up at him. “I don’t know. Maybe she never really existed. I’m such a phony anyway. I tell families all the time what they need to do or how to act, and I can’t even get my own life straight. I’m a mess.
“Ryan, you’re a good guy. You cared for your father, your sisters and now I come along and you’re stepping in to support me. I can’t do that to you. I think I just need time alone to figure out my life. I don’t want to ruin yours.”
Ryan stepped back as if she had slapped him, hard. “Lucy, you’re wrong. Way wrong. I swore never to carry the emotional needs of others ever again after my father died. I promised myself I’d never completely open up to my patients or anyone else again and then you came along. I want to be here for you. You’re making a choice to be miserable. Your sister loves you. I care for you, and you won’t accept either.”
She raised her chin “You think Alexis is going to love me after I tell her how I feel?”
“I do. She showed how much she cares just by coming all this way to see you. I saw it when her eyes lit up when she opened the door. She’s concerned for how you are doing. That’s a plus in your life. Don’t throw it away. Sometimes we just have to do some hard things because we love someone. Some really difficult things. Talk to her. Work through this.”
“That’s right, Mr. Bottle-Up-All-Your-Feelings wants me to bare my soul to my sister and hurt her more.”
Ryan stalked toward her stepping into her personal space. “What do you want me to bare? That my father was the strongest man I’ve ever known and that I watched him slowly disappear? That I sat by his bed every minute I wasn’t at school or working? That I saw fear in his eyes that I knew had to match mine? That I became responsible for my sisters during the worst time in our lives? Is that what you want me to share? Is that enough sharing for you? Enough to let you know I care deeply? That I do care about you?”
“Ryan, I just can’t do this now. I don’t know what to think.”
Shaking his head, he looked at her. “You’re a bright, sensitive, caring person, Lucy. Don’t push Alexis away. And don’t push me away.”
“My sister was the one steady thing in my life. How can I feel this way towards her?”
Ryan sat on the bed beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. “I want to be the constant person in your life now. I know this isn’t the perfect time, heck, it’s probably the worst time in the history of mankind to tell you I love you. But there it is. I do. I’m here for you.”
Her heart raced. She stared at him in disbelief. How could he? She was a mess. She didn’t even love herself right now. “Please don’t.” She moved away from him and knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life but she had to.
He took her hand. “I understand you better than you think. I know how tough caring can be. What it’s like to wish the person you love more than anyone else in the world would die quickly for their sake while at the same time wanting to hang onto them for as long as you can. I know what it is like to wish for something you can’t have. Lucy, I’m offering you something you can have.”
“No, Ryan, I can’t let you love me.”
He let go of her hand and stared down at her as if defeated. His beautiful blue eyes held shadows that she’d put there. “You don’t get a choice in that,” he said slowly.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t get it. I don’t know how to love. To really love. I’ve failed my sister. I’m failing you now. How can you love this messed-up, screwed-up me?” He just looked at her with a mixture of astonishment and sadness in his eyes. She studied his face, wanting with all her heart to give him what he asked for. But she couldn’t.
He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Goodbye, Lucy.”
His kisses the night before had been all fire and passion, but the simple caress of his lips on her cheek held a devastating finality that filled her with a grief bone deep.
* * *
Apart from when Ryan had followed his father’s casket down the aisle of the church, walking down the stairs and away from Lucy was the longest journey of Ryan’s existence. For once in his life he’d opened his heart to someone and she’d shoved it back at him.
Lucy wasn’t who he’d thought she was. He wanted the woman who’d shown such spunk when he’d made her mad. The one who’d had the fortitude to carry a child for her sister, the strength to move away from everything she knew to one of the largest cities in the world and to share her pain with him. Why couldn’t he make her see that she had what it took to talk to her sister?
He pushed the door to his condo open. Dumping his wallet and keys on the bar in the kitchen, he climbed the stairs to his room. He stopped in the doorway and looked at the bed.
That morning Lucy had insisted, “We can’t leave it undone. I make my bed every morning.”
“And I have a housekeeper who comes in twice a week.”
When she started shaking out the sheet, he’d taken the other side to help.
As he’d tucked a corner she’d said, “Hey, you can’t just wad that up and put it under there.” She circled the bed, reaching down to pull the material out.
“Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to make a bed,” he’d said, sounding as indignant as possible before he’d grabbed her and rolled her onto the bed. She’d giggled. He’d shared her mirth. He hadn’t laughed so freely since before his father had become sick. Had almost forgotten how good it felt to be alive. Happily alive.
He’d kissed her and that was all it had taken. They’d not taken time to remove their clothes and she hadn’t seemed to mind. In fact, his desperate need for her had seemed to fuel her own. She’d crawled on top and had taken over their lovemaking.
That’s what it had been. Him loving her. He’d not recognized it then but it was clear now. So much so that it hurt to look at the bed, to remember. His body ached from the mere thought of her.
Walking to the dark brown chair that faced the window, he plopped down, put his legs across the matching footstool and crossed his ankles. The lights of the city had lost some of their luster. Scooting his butt forward, he braced his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed tonight.
* * *
Lucy curled under her sheets still fully clothed and pulled her legs to her chest, becoming a ball. She buried her head in a pillow and let the tears flow. It had been horrible when she’d left Alexis and Emily behind and moved to New York. But nothing compared to giving up Ryan.
She’d hurt him. He’d said he loved her and she’d thrown it back in his face. She was unworthy of his love. She missed Ryan’s arms being around her, his strong, calming presence. It had taken him no time to become embedded in her life.
She’d slept next to Ryan for only one night but she already missed his warm body pressed against hers. What did he see in her? She was a mess. Here she was supposed to be helping others and she couldn’t even handle her own life.
How had her world spun so out of control? How could she ever face him at work again? Maybe she should speak to Mr. Matherson and see if she could be reassigned to another neurosurgeon. No, she couldn’t do that. It might damage Ryan’s career if she did. She couldn’t hurt him like that. She’d just have to endure and be the professional she was known to be. But could she stand the pain of seeing him daily?
