Читать книгу Marry Me - Catherine Mann, Lynne Marshall - Страница 13

GABRIEL did a very efficient job of avoiding Lucy for the next couple of days. This was no mean feat based on the fact that Ed seemed to be paying her more attention. Determined to bury her growing feelings for Gabriel and spurred on by the fact that their plan seemed to be working, she was eager to talk to him about the proposal night and in her usual impatient way bombarded him with phone calls trying to arrange just that.

Eventually, with every moment he spent away from her making him more determined to keep out of her way, he’d even begun to convince himself that his new attraction to her was no more than the result of an off-day. It was the shopping trip, he told himself. He’d just been wrong-footed by being forced to focus on her appearance when he’d never had reason to do that before. Hell, as a kid he’d seen her eating mud, hair all over the place, and as an adult staying with him he’d seen her at her worst. That time she’d drunk too much red wine and had spent the night on the bathroom floor throwing up. She’d looked like death the next morning. No, he told himself, he could brush any mad feelings aside. She was still the same old Lucy, no regard for what time of day it was or whether she was disturbing him, simply ringing him when it suited her.

He picked up the phone one morning at eight, believing she would be too tied up at the bakery to call then, so he would be safe. His heart gave an involuntary lurch as he heard her voice.

‘Gabe, anyone would think you’ve been trying to avoid me. Either that or you should sack your secretary. I’ve left getting on for half a dozen messages for you.’

He covered the receiver with his hand and took a deep breath. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ He made a huge effort to sound normal. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been wrapped up in a case, some major hitches, been in constant meetings. I have meant to ring.’ Plausible vague lies, exactly what the situation needed. It seemed to work because she didn’t appear to have heard him, instead sweeping on with her own stream of consciousness in her usual impatient way.

‘Well, never mind. I’ve got hold of you now. It’s Ed!’ She couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice.

‘What about Ed?’ Walked out? Decided to become a monk? Sadly no.

‘The clothes are working! He noticed my new heels right away.’

He grinned ruefully into the phone. ‘Told you.’

‘And I keep catching him stealing sneaky glances at me when he thinks I’m not looking. He’s much more touchy-feely than usual, too. You’re a genius! I should market you to women everywhere!’

Gabe felt a stabbing pain somewhere deep in his gut, not unlike a punch. Miserably he realised this was what jealousy must feel like. It wasn’t an emotion he was used to. The women he dated never evoked enough interest for him to be bothered if another man came along. His mind spun. It wasn’t just a blip, then. Something he could talk himself out of by using willpower. There really had been a shift in his feelings for her. He rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. Problem was, how the hell did he shift them back to where they were supposed to be? Because it was obvious that Lucy didn’t feel the same way. And why should she? He was just good old Gabriel, brother-figure, who was currently masterminding her happy ever after with another guy and who’d apparently just kick-started her relationship.

Wanting to get the conversation over with as quickly as he could, he was uncharacteristically abrupt with her. ‘Lucy, I’ve really got to be somewhere, so can we do this later?’

‘I’m sorry! I always forget how busy you are. I think of you as my personal property.’

He felt a surge of happiness at this remark followed swiftly by despair. What the hell was he going to do?

‘I just wanted to organise getting together,’ she said. ‘You know, to talk through my proposal. I’ve got loads of ideas. Maybe we could make it a lunchtime, though, because Ed’s been talking about taking me out to dinner.’

What, every night? he wanted to snarl at her. He shook his head briefly to try and clear it. ‘Are you sure you really need me, Lucy? I mean, you sound like you’re doing great on your own.’

‘Of course I need you.’ She sounded puzzled and hurt and he experienced a jolt of guilt. ‘I need your views, Gabe. You’ve helped loads already. I know I haven’t been exactly positive about some of your observations, but you know that’s just my way. I’ve taken everything you’ve said on board.’ Then she added cynically, ‘Or are you just too busy for friends? Is that it?’

He pulled himself together with a stupendous effort. He was used to his emotions being pretty constant, not this swinging between jealousy, anger and misery. If love was this much grief, he decided he had been thoroughly justified in choosing to give it a miss all this time.

‘Don’t be silly,’ he said, as lightly as he could. ‘Like I said, it’s just been busy.’ He realised he couldn’t avoid seeing her. His only hope was to carry on as normal and hope these feelings would just wear off. In fact seeing her might help. Maybe he was building the whole thing up in his mind. ‘How about tomorrow?’ he suggested. ‘I’ll meet you at Smith’s for a sandwich.’

‘Great. Can you make it about two?’

He gritted his teeth in exasperation. ‘Do you always have to eat so late? Can’t you have lunch at twelve or one like normal people?’

‘I can’t help it,’ she countered. ‘Twelve until one is our busiest time at the shop. We need more than one person to make it run properly. If we make it two, I can leave Sophie in charge and not have to rush back.’

‘OK, OK, two it is.’ There was no point arguing with her.

He replaced the receiver with a feeling of trepidation.

Lucy put the phone down feeling reassured. Her feelings were focused exactly where they should be. It was just a simple matter of keeping your mind in the right place. She’d made a stand to herself by telling Gabriel in no uncertain terms how wonderfully her relationship plans were going. After all, she reasoned, if she focused enough on Ed there wouldn’t be time for feelings for anyone else to develop, especially stupid feelings for Gabriel, which could never come to anything. Things with Ed really did seem to have been boosted. Surely that was a good sign. She could make Ed sit up and take notice after two years and that had to stand them in good stead for the future. She could even look at these irrational feelings for Gabriel as a test of her love for Ed. If she could get over this then nothing could shake them once they were committed.

She ignored the small voice inside that told her she was just scared of change. Understandable really after the shifting sand of her childhood. Scared of losing Ed and the secure life she’d built with them both in it, where she knew when she went to sleep what would happen when she woke up again. If she wasn’t deliriously in love with him, she certainly loved him for the life and stability they had together. Her mother had loved her father with desperate passion and look where it had got her. No, she was certain. Love that lasted was built on a lot more than lust. And she needed Gabriel as a friend to talk to and lean on in times of trouble. Mess with that, Lucy, the voice said, and everything teeters on the precipice. Follow these mad feelings and end up losing Ed, and then after three weeks, or maybe a month if you’re lucky, commitment phobic Gabe will be just about ready to quit, and you can lose him, too. Because it would never be the same between her and Gabriel again—that was the one thing she knew beyond question. That kind of elephant never left the room.

Plus the fact, she reassured herself, Gabe showed no more sign of reciprocating her feelings now than he had when he was eighteen, so she would most likely make a fool of herself as well. He obviously hadn’t given her a second thought this week—she’d had to practically stalk him to get a phone conversation. The best way to put this whole mess behind her would be to direct all her energy at Ed, who she knew loved her and wanted to be with her and who was showing loads more enthusiasm for their relationship than he had in months. She should be making the most of that. Once he’d said yes and they were engaged, everything would be fine, she was sure of it.

It was a perfect winter’s day as she walked through the streets from her shop to meet Gabriel at Smith’s. This was a quaint little coffee shop in one of the side streets just off the main city centre. She and Gabriel met there often because it was roughly halfway between his office and her shop. The cakes and pastries were always delicious, and Lucy always enjoyed comparing them to those she made in her own bakery. She always judged coffee shops and restaurants by their food; she couldn’t seem to stop herself. A dry Danish pastry or a soggy eclair had the instant ability to turn her off an establishment for good. The sun was shining as she walked and the air was crisp and clear. It reminded Lucy of the last day like that, when she’d had lunch at Gabriel’s parents’ house. She thought of them fondly. Any nostalgia she might have about her childhood had them and their home wrapped up in it.

She wondered sometimes how much further and how much more she might have achieved in life if she’d had an upbringing that hadn’t demanded she dive headlong into adult responsibility while she was still in reality just a child. But then on the other hand she was so proud of how far she had come. The fact she’d done it in spite of all that her parents had thrown at her made her achievements all the sweeter.

She allowed herself to think of her parents for a moment. She’d found them creeping into her thoughts more and more frequently these past few days. They had never married, despite the fact it was still really the done thing when she was a child. When things were good and they were getting on sometimes they would talk about it. She remembered her mother even looking at booking the ceremony once and she had been beside herself with excitement. But it never came to anything. It was just forgotten about, never mentioned again. All her schoolfriends had married parents and she had longed to be the same as them. In her child’s mind she had built it up to be the answer to all their problems. If only her parents were married they would get along properly and be happy. The fights would stop. Of course as an adult now she knew that wasn’t the way things worked. But she still saw marriage as a magical, wonderful thing, a way of cementing a stable relationship. In her mind she knew this wasn’t rational, but all the same she had always known she wanted to be married and have a family of her own one day.

She checked her watch and grinned to herself. Late again. Luckily for her she knew Gabriel well enough by now to simply factor in his lousy timekeeping. She didn’t expect him for half an hour after the time agreed. As it was, today he arrived only twenty minutes late, looking tired and a little harassed, she thought, but impeccably dressed as ever in a beautifully cut dark blue suit that made his grey-blue eyes seem more intense than ever. He pulled up a chair next to her.

‘Do you want anything to eat?’ She picked up the menu and scanned it.

He shook his head. ‘I’ve already eaten, like the rest of the human race. Lunchtime for me was an hour and a half ago.’ She wasn’t used to him being short with her and she looked at him, puzzled. Had she done something to upset him? As she looked he checked his watch.

‘Are you in a rush, Gabe?’

He looked up at her distractedly. ‘No, why?’

‘No reason,’ she said, with a hint of irritation. ‘Except that you’ve only just arrived for our lunch date, but you aren’t actually planning to eat anything and now you’re acting like you need to leave again.’

As she watched him he seemed to shake himself out of his mood and he smiled at her apologetically. ‘Sorry. It’s been a bit of a manic week.’

She smiled a little. ‘It’s OK. You don’t seem yourself at the moment. I guess this case is taking it out of you.’

He nodded and that feeling of confusion increased. Her conversations with Gabe were never normally stilted like this. Their usual affectionate bickering was a world away from this distracted style of talking. They were interrupted by the waitress, who took their order, Gabriel pointedly asking only for coffee as she defiantly chose a sandwich with side salad. Silence ensued again when the girl left.

‘Right, then,’ she said, a little uncertainly, when he didn’t speak. ‘Let me tell you my plans for proposing to Ed. I need you to be totally honest. Don’t spare my feelings.’

He gave an odd little half-smile. ‘Are you sure you want my total honesty?’

‘Of course.’

‘Go on, then.’

He was behaving really strangely. She wondered whether she should just scrap the planned discussion and pester him into talking about whatever was bothering him. After the way he had opened up the other night about Alison, she was tempted to try. But in a public place like this she didn’t think he would thank her for digging into his thoughts again. If he didn’t want to talk he had a stubborn streak that meant he would first clam up and then get angry. Plus the fact she was determined to keep the whole conversation centred on Ed and lock Gabriel well and truly into the role of supportive friend. She had her own agenda here and the best thing to do was surely press on and not to be diverted.

‘OK.’ She fished a notebook out of her handbag and ignored his raised eyebrows. Before he had the chance to mock the fact that she had actually put something in writing she began skimming her notes. ‘Here’s what I’m thinking. Book out our favourite restaurant—you know, the Italian place on the square?’

She glanced up at him. He pulled a dubious face but didn’t comment.

‘Ask all our best friends to come along and get there before us. You’d be invited of course—I’d need you there as moral support.’ She tapped him pointedly on the arm with her pen. ‘Then we arrive at the prearranged time.’ Her voice got louder as she warmed to her subject and several people in the café glanced over. She ignored them. ‘Of course, he’ll realise all his mates are there and wonder what’s going on, and I’ll get down on one knee and ask him to marry me. Then we can all have a big celebratory meal and have a fantastic evening! What do you think? Does that work from a male point of view? I thought including our friends would be a good move.’

As she spoke his facial expression had become more and more sceptical, but she refused to be silenced and rushed on with her usual enthusiasm. Still, by the end of her description she had to admit she’d been hoping for a bit more encouragement than this, and to be honest it was taking the wind out of her sails a bit.

‘OK, you said you wanted me to be honest and I’ll tell you what I think,’ he told her. ‘Just about everything that could be wrong in that scenario, is.’

She looked at him with barely concealed annoyance. ‘Why?’

Gabriel sat back and folded his arms. ‘Firstly, inviting all his mates along is the worst thing you could do. Basically what you’re doing is embarrassing him. No guy wants to be put on the spot like that. You have to realise you’re taking over his role by doing this. Taking over the male role. He will for ever be ribbed by his mates about being under the thumb. Your thumb, to be specific. Trust me, even if your girlfriend is in charge, you want the world to think that you are. It’s an unwritten rule.’

There seemed to be a whole book of unwritten rules by which the average man lived, according to Gabriel.

‘So go on, then, enlighten me,’ she said sarcastically. ‘What does your average guy want?’

‘Well, he wants to feel like he’s the one in charge. He chooses when he makes you his wife and he chooses how he does that.’ He leaned in conspiratorially as if imparting a great secret, as if he might suddenly be lynched by a gang of average men if he were overheard handing over this information to the other side. ‘You’re messing with the natural order of things here, Lucy, and you need to tread carefully.’

She bit her tongue as the waitress appeared with their order. As soon as they were alone again she leaned in towards him. ‘The natural order of things? I’m talking about proposing to my boyfriend, not time travel, for goodness’ sake.’

‘I just meant you need to do it in such a way as it makes him feel like he’s got the upper hand.’

‘You mean, make him think it was his idea all along.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Well, how the hell is that possible when the words “will you marry me?” are going to be coming out of my mouth and not his?’

‘Your approach needs to be different. Submissive. As if you’re asking him an enormous favour. You could include that in the words you choose. Maybe say something like, “I would be honoured if you would consider being my husband” or “I feel my life is worth nothing without you.”’

Lucy stuck two fingers in her mouth and made vomiting sounds.

Gabriel raised an impatient eyebrow and looked at her as if she were a naughty toddler. ‘A little class would be good,’ he remarked. ‘I don’t suggest you take this attitude with him or all you’ll end up with is a resounding “no”.’

She sighed and rubbed the corners of her eyes wearily with a thumb and forefinger. ‘I don’t know, Gabe. I’m not sure I want to be his doormat just to get him to agree to marry me. I was thinking he would be delighted to be asked and see it as a massive compliment, not some challenge to his manhood.’

‘That’s because you’re a woman and that’s how you’d feel if he proposed to you. Men don’t think like you do. How many times do I have to tell you?’

She decided to shift the subject a little. ‘OK, well, let’s come back to the exact wording of the thing. What about the location? Are you saying it’s fine to invite everyone who knows us as long as I portray myself in the subservient role, caveman style, or am I just better off asking him when it’s just the two of us?’

‘Much as I would be sorry not to witness you playing the role of submissive cavewoman to Ed’s captain caveman, you’ll have far more chance of success if you ask him on his own. If you invite along those Neanderthal football mates that I met, you’ll definitely shoot yourself in the foot. All you’ll achieve is to make him feel pushed into a corner. He can’t say no to you because a) he can’t be seen to be so cruel in public and b) he won’t want to scupper what you’ve set up to be a massive party.’

She shook her head. ‘But that’s good, isn’t it? He will be forced to say yes.’

‘But for all the wrong reasons. If you push him into it you are just as likely for him to backpedal the moment the party’s over. At best he might resent you for putting him on the spot and that’s hardly the best start for a marriage made in heaven, is it?’

She sighed. ‘I suppose not.’ She sipped her coffee moodily. ‘Give me the perfect scenario, then, Einstein, and I’ll try and work with that.’

A frown crossed his face and she saw him rearrange his features to hide it. It was so brief that she almost missed it. She couldn’t place what it meant, but then apparently it meant nothing because he carried on as before.

‘To maximise your chances of a yes, if you’re asking the average man to marry you, you need to look hot as hell and you need to do it somewhere quiet without friends or family present, and last but not least you need to do it before you have sex. Definitely not afterwards.’

Lucy almost choked on her coffee. At the mention of sex from Gabe when she felt so mixed up about him she felt a blush creep up slowly from her neck and fought it with all her might. She took a bite of her sandwich to buy time and steady herself, looking down in the hope that the blush would subside and he wouldn’t notice. When she felt able she spoke in what she hoped was her normal voice.

‘Just as a matter of interest, why not afterwards?’ she ventured. ‘I would have thought that was the perfect time to do it. When you’re all loved up and everything’s wonderful.’

Gabriel patted her hand sympathetically and she felt as if electric shocks raced through her fingers at his touch. The thought struck her abruptly that she wasn’t sure she could remember a time when she’d jumped like that at Ed’s touch, even when they’d first met. She tried to concentrate hard on the conversation.

‘Like I keep saying, Lu, you need to start thinking like a man. Before you’ve had sex you hold all the cards, you have the power, he’ll hang on your every word. Afterwards, if you manage to get him to stay awake, anything you say will seem less important to him than going to sleep. It’s basic biology.’

Lucy made a disgusted face. ‘You lot are emotionally backward,’ she complained.

Gabriel laughed out loud. ‘We’re just different, that’s all. If men thought the same way as women Ed would have asked you to marry him months ago. Don’t you think that makes life seem dull?’

‘No! I think it makes perfect sense!’

Gabriel looked at his watch again and she felt her temper slip a notch.

‘Gabe, what is your problem? You seem to be desperate to avoid me at the moment and it’s getting on my nerves. Is it too much to ask for you to focus for half an hour on one conversation with me?’

He didn’t quite meet her eyes. ‘Just busy, you know,’ he said vaguely. ‘I need to make a move.’ He made as if to stand up, then for some reason he clearly thought better of it and sat back down. He looked flustered and uncomfortable and she was on the brink of asking him why when he leaned in unexpectedly and covered her hand with his. Her heart leapt involuntarily inside her chest and her pulse increased.

‘Lucy, I really think you should reconsider all this, you know,’ he said urgently. Her mouth felt suddenly as dry as sandpaper. Just what was he going to say?

‘What do you mean?’ She tried her best to keep her voice calm, although she felt oddly as if she might start shaking at any moment.

‘I’m your friend, Lucy. I’m going to be totally honest with you. You might not like it but I can’t help that.’

Her heartbeat seemed to be getting louder. She could hear it inside her head.

He looked into her eyes. ‘I think you want to get married and settle down because you didn’t have a settled childhood. You want to build your own little happy ever after. The fact that you’re surrounded by Ed’s mates in a social circle all playing happy families makes you want it even more. I can understand that, but I think you need to be sure it’s what you really want, for the right reasons.’

She looked at him, puzzled. Whatever she’d expected him to say, it wasn’t this. ‘What exactly are you suggesting?’

He took a deep breath. ‘I think you should talk to your parents.’

The words fell on her like rocks. She stood up before she even knew that was what she was going to do. Her chair fell backwards with a clatter at the force of her movement. How could he? How hard it had been to start again without them. After the years she’d spent cutting them painfully out of her life. Managing by herself. And he’d been there through all that. All the times he’d backed her up, given her strength in her conviction that it was the right thing to do, that they would hold her back and drag her back down and that she could make a life for herself, she really could. She was suffused by confusion and cold anger.

She wiped her lips with a trembling hand. ‘I can’t believe you are suggesting I actually talk to them about this. My mother the three-times-wed, most irresponsible, self-centred woman in the universe. My father the lush. Just what the hell makes you think either of them is qualified to advise me on how to successfully live my life?’

‘I’m not saying they are. It just seems to me you’re so hung up on this dream of two-point-four kids and a dog that you’re losing sight of the fact that that doesn’t automatically make you happy. This is because of your parents—any amateur psychologist could see that.’

‘Even if it is, why is that so wrong? With a childhood like mine I certainly know what I’m not going to do and that’s pretty much everything they did!’ Her temper was completely out of control now and she was distantly aware that she was shouting.

Gabriel kept his voice calm and soothing, but to her it just sounded patronising. ‘Lu, you had no security as a kid. That’s why you’re craving it now.’ He opened his mouth to continue but she cut him off.

‘You’ve obviously taken temporary leave of your senses,’ she snapped. She snatched her bag from the floor and then rounded on him. ‘I asked for your help, Gabriel. Your help. All I wanted was some pointers on what might make a guy tick, some ideas on how I might propose in a fun way that Ed would like. I didn’t ask for a critique of my life as I know it and I certainly didn’t expect the suggestion that I undo all the changes I’ve made for the better. After everything they put me through. And everything I’ve done to put it right. You’re meant to be my friend. Some friend!’

‘Lucy…’ His voice was shocked but she ignored it and turned to walk towards the door, leaving him standing at the table looking after her. ‘Lucy, wait!’

She turned back towards him, oblivious to the interested stares from the other customers and the silence that had fallen as they turned to watch and listen. ‘Just stay away from me!’

The door slammed behind her as she stormed from the café.