Читать книгу A Season of Hopes and Dreams - Lynsey James - Страница 9

Chapter One

The story I’m about to tell you starts with the clatter of a letterbox.

My letterbox, to be precise.

I spring up from the sofa as soon as I hear it. Today will be the day, I say to myself, the day everything finally falls into place. I race down the hall to the front door, almost slipping on the wooden floor, and gather up the post waiting for me on the doormat. I excitedly flick past all the boring stuff like gas and phone bills until I reach the letter I’m looking for. In the top-right-hand corner are the words Little Stars Dance Studio.

Yes, yes, yes!

I slide my finger under the flap, but pause before opening it. This could be the moment my biggest dream is about to come true and I’m not sure if I’m ready. Are you ever really ready for the big moments in your life?

I close my eyes for a second and visualise the words I want to see: we’d like to invite you for an interview. Those eight words will bring me a step closer to teaching dance, like I’ve always wanted to do. It’s the umpteenth trainee position I’ve applied for, but I have a good feeling about this one. It’ll let me study for my teaching qualification while building up my experience and earning money. It’s my dream job.

There’s only one way to find out what the letter says. I rip it open and unfurl it, my insides jumping with anticipation. I have a good feeling about this letter and although I’ve had the same feeling with so many others, I’m hopeful that this time will be different.

Except it isn’t.

In just a few seconds, my dream of being a dance teacher is dashed once again. It’s another “thanks, but no thanks” letter.

Ouch.

There’s an old song that goes a little something like this: every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

It’s hard to remember that when you’ve just been rejected from your dream job, though.

I heave a deep sigh as my eyes scan the letter again. Key words and phrases jump out at me: lack of experience, stronger candidates, good luck with your future endeavours. I’ve seen them all before, but that doesn’t mean they hurt any less this time round.

Dear Miss Jones,

On behalf of Little Stars Dance School, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to apply for our Trainee Dance Teacher vacancy. Unfortunately, we are unable to progress your application any further at this time. This is a challenging, dynamic role and we felt that other candidates offered stronger dance backgrounds. Also, your lack of teaching experience may mean you’re not suited to such a demanding role at the moment. It might be an idea to build up your experience before applying for further roles. Good luck in your future endeavours.

Yours sincerely,

Lynne Penman

With a heavy heart, I shove the rejection letter into my desk drawer and throw my head into my hands. Although Little Stars is the latest in a long line of dance studios to turn me down, I can’t help feeling deflated. With every “thanks, but no thanks” rejection I get, my dream of being a dance teacher moves that little bit further away. A tiny spark of hope rises in my chest every time I send off an application, as I allow myself to believe this latest job will be “the one”. The optimism may seem strange, maybe even silly, but it’s been my dream for so long I can’t give up on it. Sadly, this time, as with all the other times, it wasn’t meant to be.

For now at least, it seems I won’t be Cleo Jones, dance teacher extraordinaire.

*

You know the saying “misery loves company”?

Well, it was practically made for my mum.

I go over to my parents’ house to fill them in on my latest dance school rejection and, from the moment my eyes meet my mum’s, I can tell she’s dying to say “I told you so”. She’s perched on the sofa with her patented “I told you so” expression firmly in place: arms folded, brow furrowed and a disapproving look in her beady blue eyes.

‘Let me guess,’ she says with a heavy sigh, ‘it was another no.’

I swallow back the tears threatening to completely engulf me, and manage a nod. ‘How’d you guess?’

At this point, most mums would envelop you in a hug, offer you a cup of tea, and tell you everything’s going to be OK. Not my mum, though: instead, she folds her arms, furrows her brow and shakes her head.

‘I said it wasn’t a good idea to apply for any more dancing jobs, didn’t I? I said you were wasting your time, and now look! You need to give up on being a dance teacher, Cleo; it’s obviously not going to happen and you know why.’

She fixes me with a pointed look and I take a sharp breath inwards. ‘I know, Mum. You don’t have to remind me about my accident every five minutes. I was in a car crash and I broke my leg in two places; I’m not likely to forget that, am I? Remember what the doctor said, though: teaching’s still an option, I just can’t dance professionally.’

She rolls her eyes and mutters something about my burying my head in the sand and refusing to face facts. I bite my tongue and ball my hands into fists as I try to keep my cool. Mum’s known how to press my buttons for the last twenty-six years. Our eyes lock and the tension crackles and hisses between us. Sooner or later, one of us will snap.

Just as things are about to get heated, Dad ambles into the living room, bringing his trademark cheerful disposition with him. It’s a welcome relief from the tense atmosphere developing between Mum and me.

‘Everything OK?’ he asks. His smile falters a little when he sees my face. ‘Oh dear, another no for the dance teacher job then?’

Before I can answer, Mum jumps in. ‘What do you think? Of course it was a no! She hasn’t danced since that bloody accident; who’s going to hire her? She needs to give up and find something else she wants to do.’

I ball my hands into fists and grit my teeth. ‘She is still here, in case you hadn’t noticed!’

Dad shoots Mum a look that says “cut out the I-told-you-so nonsense now”. ‘Why don’t you go and put the kettle on, Nina? And see if we’ve got any of that Victoria sponge left in the fridge.’

Almost imperceptibly, she rolls her eyes. She’s learned how to do it so Dad doesn’t spot her, but I’ve been on to her for years. The mention of cake sets alarm bells ringing in my head, though I do my utmost to remain calm. As long as I say no, calmly yet firmly, it’ll be OK.

‘No cake for me, thanks,’ I say, trying my best to sound normal. ‘Got my Carb Counters meeting tomorrow night.’

‘And you wouldn’t want to upset the lovely Marjorie.’ Mum’s voice is dripping with sarcasm. ‘One slice won’t hurt, for goodness’ sake.’

Our eyes lock and the atmosphere prickles with things we’d both like to say to each other. There’s an unspoken animosity between us that sprung up one day and decided to stay. She might think one slice of cake won’t do any harm, but I know better. I know the damage “just one slice” can inflict. I feel fear curl its long, tapered fingers around me as my thoughts begin to spiral. If I have “just one slice”, what if I’m not able to stop there? Maybe I’ll end up undoing a whole year’s worth of good work.

‘Honestly, Mum, I’m fine. In fact, I should probably get home; I’ve got an early start tomorrow and the house is an absolute wreck. I-I’ll be round for dinner this week, OK?’

I make a mad dash for the door before either of them can stop me. I’m down the path and across the village green in minutes, my beautiful little piece of Silverdale looming large on the horizon. As soon as I’m home, the fear will stop. I can control things there, in my tiny slice of heaven.

I crash through the door and my first port of call is my bedroom, namely the shoebox on top of my wardrobe. I snatch the lid off and throw it carelessly to the floor, revealing my extra-secret stash of chocolate. Everything I need to take the pain away is in this tatty old box.

Then I stop.

Nestled on top of the bags of sweets is a folded piece of paper. I recognise it instantly and take it out to look at it. I hold it in my hands like it’s made of glass, all thoughts of bingeing melting away.

‘Haven’t seen you for a long time,’ I say softly as I unfold it.

Cleo Jones’s Ultimate Bucket List

Become a world-famous dancer

Move to New York City

Perform in the West End AND on Broadway!

Visit every country in the world

Learn a new language

Go bungee-jumping

Swim with dolphins

Do something utterly extraordinary

Snog someone famous

Fall hopelessly in love

Looking at the list brings a lump to my throat. I haven’t looked at it much in the twelve years since I made it; it was written just before the accident that changed everything. Back when I felt like anything was possible, that all my dreams were within touching distance. Now, more than a decade later, I haven’t accomplished anything on the list. My ultimate dream of being a dancer has moved that little bit further away today, and I almost just undid a year’s worth of good work. And for what? For some junk food that’ll make me feel sick and sluggish later?

Two thumbs up for Cleo Jones.

Then again, I reason, like my mum said, I’ve had a horrible day. Maybe one tiny treat won’t hurt. Just a little one, though…

I pick up the box again and pull out a huge bag of chocolate buttons, my absolute favourite. The bag’s almost too easy to tear open and when I reach in to grab a handful, I don’t even think about it. Chocolate’s been clinically proven to make you feel better, so really this is medicinal, right? My mouth waters at the sight of them, imagining how sweet and creamy they’ll taste. In just a few seconds, everything will seem so much better. My dreams won’t seem so broken and I’ll be happy, if only for a little while.

I grab my “ultimate bucket list” and look at it as I stuff my handful of buttons into my mouth, savouring the rich, sweet taste.

Where did those big dreams go?

Where did I go?