Читать книгу Trusting Yourself - M. J. Ryan - Страница 19

You probably don't remember it, but “no” was one of the most fabulous discoveries of your childhood.

—Martha Beck

It was Friday evening. Teresa was on the phone with me, lamenting that she had to spend Saturday baking a dozen cookies for her daughter's dance recital, chauffeuring her son's soccer team to the game even though it was not her turn, and hosting a friend's birthday party that evening. In each circumstance, she had been asked to do these things and felt compelled to say yes. “I just have such a hard time saying no. And I hate baking,” she wailed.

Boy, do I know a lot of people who struggle with this issue. Folks enduring this affliction are perpetually overwhelmed and overtired and often end up either not able to fulfill all the obligations they've committed to, which leaves others angry and them feeling guilty and inadequate, or so exhausted that they can find no joy in what they do.

This inability, I've come to see, really springs from a lack of self-trust. If you feel you are fundamentally unworthy and have constantly to prove yourself, if you don't feel it is acceptable to have limits and boundaries, if you believe you can't survive the disapproval of others, then you will have trouble saying, “I'm sorry, I can't do that. Try me again another time.”

When we trust ourselves, we know our limits, express them to others, and survive disapproval if it should occur. We know deep in our bones that we can't possibly please “all of the people all of the time,” as Abraham Lincoln so wisely counseled, so we understand that occasionally we will disappoint others. And we are secure enough in ourselves to court that disapproval if what is being asked goes beyond our capacity or desire.

When we believe in ourselves, we don't have to prove anything to anyone about our worthiness of love or attention or time off. We rely on ourselves to be the arbiter of what we're willing to do at any given moment and how much is too much. We're not interested in competing with Mrs. Jacobs, who not only baked six dozen cookies, but personalized them with each child's name. We know what our needs and priorities are and make sure we're included on our to-do lists.