Читать книгу Pretender to the Throne - Maisey Yates - Страница 11

CHAPTER FOUR

HE’D MADE HER feel self-conscious about her dress. More than that, his words had sliced through her like a knife, hitting her square in a heart she’d assumed would be invulnerable to such things.

I used to be beautiful. Things change.

Yes, they certainly did.

She was realistic about the situation with her face. Fifteen years of living with it, and there was no other option. It had been hard. She’d been a woman defined by her looks, by her position in the public eye, and in one moment, it had all changed.

She was still a woman defined by her looks. But people didn’t like what they saw.

The press called her disfigured. The former beauty. The walking dead.

Going out into the town had meant a chance she’d get her photo taken, and that meant a chance she’d appear in the news the next day.

It had driven her deeper into her own darkness. Into isolation. It had been hell. And she’d had to escape.

Finding a way to a new life had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. Her family hadn’t known what to do with her, they hadn’t known how to help her. Their existence had been shaken, too. Their promised position as in-laws to the royal family vanished.

In the end, they’d all moved to Greece. Her mother, father and sisters. But Layna had stayed. And what she’d weathered should have made her immune to things like Xander’s comments.

She was thirty-three. She wasn’t a child. She knew now that life wasn’t defined by dresses, balls and beauty. She did know it. So curse Xander for making her feel insecure. For making her feel like she should make an effort to look pretty when she met him for dinner.

Those things, they didn’t matter. She had changed, and at the end of the day, she liked herself better now. At least now she didn’t think the only way to live was by shopping the day away before going to a ball and pretending to be bored by all of it.

In some ways, she had more freedom now. If something made her feel joy, she had no problem showing it. Her face made it impossible for her to blend in, impossible for people to do anything but judge her. So why worry about trying to seem cool and unaffected? There was no reason at all.

“I’m glad you could make it.”

Layna paused at the entrance to the grand dining room. Another unholy mash-up between her life then and now. The expansive banquet table held no one but Xander. In the past, there would have been fifty dignitaries in attendance. And Layna would have worn her best dress. Xander would have worn a tie. They would have sat beside each other.

He was wearing a black suit jacket and a crisp white shirt open at the collar, revealing a wedge of golden skin and a dark dusting of hair.

She tried to remember if he’d had chest hair during their engagement. He certainly hadn’t been as broad or muscular. He’d been lean. Soft-faced and handsome.

His face was more angular now, his jaw more pronounced thanks to the black stubble there. And his eyes, those eyes were so much sharper.

He was a man now.

“I’m not late,” she said, walking slowly into the room. She wasn’t sure if she should walk up to where he was, at the head of the table, and sit near him or not.

“No, but I was still wondering if you would bother to join me.”

“I said I would. So I did.”

“You aren’t a soft girl, are you, Layna?”

“Have I ever been, Xander?”

A half smile curved his lips and it sent a strange, tightening sensation through her stomach. “No. Now that you mention it, you never were. Though you used to look like you might be.”

“All that blond hair dye and the pink gowns. I suspect it was deceiving.”

“Maybe to some. I remember, though, standing out on the balcony with you while you looked at the other guests.”

So did she. Making snide observations about how Lady So-and-so had worn that gown to a previous event, and how Madame Blah-blah-blah’s hair looked like a bird had chosen to nest in it.

Yes, she’d had opinions on everyone’s looks. Specifically their shortcomings. The irony of that still burned.

“Yes, well, I was young. I had a lot of growing up to do. And I’ve had a lot of years to do it.”

“And have you?” He leaned back in his chair, an arm rested on the table, an insolent expression on his face.

“Of course.”

“See, I thought you might be playing hide-and-seek.”

She stiffened and walked toward his end of the table and sat down, leaving an empty place between them. “What about you?”

“That’s certainly what I’m doing. But I’ve been found, and I am now ‘it,’ as they say. Means I have to face all this.”

“You sound about as thrilled as a man facing the gallows.”

Several servants entered with food on trays, laid out in front of them grandly, their glasses filled with wine.

“Are you permitted?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yes. So long as it’s not to excess. And anyway, I haven’t taken my vows yet, remember?”

He nodded slowly. “I do. That is significant.”

“It is.” The servants uncovered the platters and began to dish portions of rice, quail and vegetables onto her plate. She was surprised by how hungry she was. She hadn’t eaten all day and she hadn’t felt it. Because she’d been too filled up with nerves to do much of anything but worry.

“Why haven’t you?”

Her face heated. “I haven’t been permitted to take them yet.”

“So it isn’t your choice?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m committed.” She hesitated to say the words because they felt false somehow. Especially after her revelation just before she left the convent. That part of her still wanted something from this life. From this palace. From Xander. She pushed her doubts away. “I was miserable before I went to the convent. I had no idea what to do with myself, no idea what I was supposed to...do with my life. Everything changed for me after.”

“After I left,” he said.

The servants cleared the room and they were left alone in the vast dining area. Layna looked out the windows, into the darkness, trying to find a point to focus on, something to anchor her to earth. Something to make her feel like the world hadn’t changed entirely in the past twelve hours.

It was night out. There were still stars. She was still breathing.

“After you left,” she said. “And then after the attack.”

“I didn’t think of you when I left,” he said.

She laughed, and she surprised herself with her own bitterness. She’d done nothing but think about him. Worry for him. Pine for him. She’d lied a bit when she’d said he hadn’t broken her heart. As much as she didn’t believe she’d truly been in love with him, she’d cared.

Her heart and her future had been bound up in him. He’d been the man she’d imagined going to bed with at night. The man she’d thought she would have children with. The man who would make her a queen.

And then he’d gone, and taken with him her dreams. Her purpose.

Followed closely by the attack that took so many other things...gaining traction again had been nearly impossible.

“I didn’t imagine you had.”

“It was easier not to. But now I want to know.”

“It was your father who told me you’d gone,” she said. “And he asked that I return the ring.”

“Did he?” Xander asked, his voice soft, deadly sounding.

“Yes. It was part of the Drakos family crown jewels, I could hardly keep it.”

“Well, I’m sure it was badly missed in that dusty cabinet they keep it all in,” he said, his tone dry.

“Are you really offended on my behalf?” she said, her throat tightening, anger pouring through her, hot and fast. “A bit hypocritical since you were the one who left.”

“My leaving had nothing to do with you.”

“No, as you said, you never thought of me again.”

“I did. I thought of you after. It’s true that when I ran, I only thought of me, and I am sorry for that. But later, I thought of you. I couldn’t have been a husband to you, not under those circumstances.”

She took a bite of the rice and the rich flavor knocked out some of her anger. She did not eat food like this at the convent. Even considering the unfortunate nature of the conversation, the food was amazing. As was the wine.

She let silence fall between them while she enjoyed her meal. She made a mistake when she looked up, and her eyes caught his. And she couldn’t look away. Everything in her went taut, her breath pausing, her heart slamming forward. All she could do was stare at him.

He was so familiar. A face she tried never to remember. That perfect golden skin, the dark brown eyes fringed with thick black lashes. Lips that promised heaven when he smiled, and made a woman imagine he could take her to a beautiful sort of hell with a kiss.

All of that was so familiar.

But the lines around his mouth were harder now. Marks by his eyes showed the ghosts of his smiles.

He had been beautiful at twenty-one. At thirty-six he was no less stunning.

Time had not been quite so kind to her. And anyway, she had absolutely no business looking at him like she was. No business memorizing the new lines on his face. It was like she’d been in a coma, and she was slowly waking up. Slowly seeing new things. Or, remembering old things. She didn’t like it. She was starting to remember why she’d worked so hard to forget.

“I wasn’t meant to be your wife,” she said, looking back at her food.

“You don’t think?”

“Clearly not. I found a new calling. The place I’m supposed to be.”

“You think you’re better off hiding in the mountains than you are as the queen of Kyonos?”

She’d always thought she would be a good queen. But with a girl’s insight. She’d loved the idea of the status and power. That everyone else was so jealous of her for having caught Xander’s eye, or, more honestly, the eye of his parents.

Now she understood it had been her father’s merit more than her own that had earned her the consideration. At the time it hadn’t mattered. She’d only thought how beautiful she would look wearing the crown.

But now, ironically, that the position was no longer on the table, she saw all the good she could do. All that needed to be done to fix her country.

Prince Stavros had done an admirable job with it, more than admirable, but there were still things to be done on a humanitarian level, and as someone who had done nothing but serve for the past ten years she was well familiar with what tasks needed to be tackled head-on.

Nice that she knew all that. Now that there was nothing she could do about it. That would be for the woman who married Xander. And that woman would not be her.

A twinge of anger hit her in the chest, burned like a pinprick and spread outward. This had been her future. And she was sitting in it now, not a part of it.

She looked back up and saw him watching her, and it hit her then. What she’d lost. They would have been married for nearly fifteen years by now. There would have been children. She wouldn’t be scarred.

It did no good to dwell on the past. It did no good to turn over what-ifs. But it was so hard when your biggest what-if was sitting across from you eating dinner, like he might have done if you’d married him way back then.

Yes, it was a whole lot harder not to what-if in that situation. Easier when cloistered in a convent, away from any part of the life she’d once lived. Impossible here and now.

“I wasn’t meant to be queen,” she said, her tone strong, a sharp contrast to what she actually felt.

“Perhaps I wasn’t meant to leave.” His words burned through her. Because he had left. It didn’t matter what should have happened, only what had.

“Why bother turning it over, Xander? It’s what happened. You did leave. And things have changed. We didn’t freeze in time here while you were gone like I’m sure you imagined we did. We went on. Things have happened, things that can’t be undone. I would have been...a silly and selfish princess back then anyway. And now...now it just couldn’t be.”

“It’s hard not to turn it over here, though, isn’t it?”

She put her palms flat on the table, her heart pounding, blood rushing through her ears. “Why did you come back? Really. I mean...what changed? You left, and no one ever thought you would be back, but here you are now, and you’re dragging me into it, so I want to know why.”

He shook his head, didn’t say anything. He only stared out the windows into the darkness outside.

“Answer me, Xander,” she said. “I have a right to know why you’ve crashed back into my life.”

“Because there was nothing out there,” he said. “No answers. It fixed nothing. If Stavros wanted the throne, if it didn’t throw Eva’s future into disarray, I would never have come back. But I don’t do any good by being gone. I’m not sure I’ll do much good being back. I’m not sure I’m even capable of doing good. I think that where I’m concerned, all of the bad might run too deep.” When he said it like that, she believed he might be right. “But I came back, because if I didn’t it would stay broken. And now that I’m here, it might all remain that way, but at least it’s my broken mess and not theirs.”

“You love them, don’t you?”

“I don’t love easily,” he said, his voice rough. “But I would die for them.”

“That’s something.”

“A sliver of humanity?”

“Yes,” she said, taking a deep breath. “What am I doing here, Xander? You’ve given me a reason. The press. But I have to tell you, I’m not sure I believe it.”

“It’s part of it,” he said.

“I need all of it.”

“Do you want an honest answer?”

“If you know how to give one.”

“I don’t lie, Layna, it’s the one sin I don’t indulge in. Do you know why?”

She put her fork down. “I’m on the edge of my seat.”

“Because people lie to protect themselves. To make people like them. To hide what they’ve done because they’re ashamed. I have no shame, and I don’t care if people like me. My sins are public property.”

“Then give me an honest answer.”

“I thought I might marry you,” he said, his tone conversational, light. As though he’d mentioned that it was a clear night and the food was lovely, and not that he’d been considering asking her to be his wife.

“You did?” she asked, her lips numb, her entire body numb suddenly, from fingertips on down.

A wife. Xander’s wife.

It was impossible. And she didn’t want it anyway. Her life was in the convent, it was serving people and living simply. It was shunning the frivolous things in the world. Denying passions and finding contentment in the small things. In the things that were worthy.

It was this palace. This man. They washed those old memories in brilliant colors, where for years they’d always been faded.

And now she could see again, so clearly, how lovely it had all been. She could taste the excitement of it. That secret ache bloomed, flourished, let her dream. Let her see the glitter, the sparkle and what might be for one beautiful moment.

But it only lasted for a moment. Until a root of bitter anger rose up and choked out the bloom.

“Obviously,” he continued, “that can’t happen now.”

She felt the sting of his words like a slap. “Obviously not. What would people think if you took me as a wife?”

“I only meant because you’ve chosen to forego marriage by joining a convent. Had I found you anywhere else I would have stuck to my original plan and proposed on the spot.”

She bit down hard and tried not to say what she was thinking. Tried. And failed. “I would have told you to go to hell. On the spot,” she said.

“You haven’t changed as much as I initially thought.”

She stood up. “That’s where you’re wrong. Everything’s changed. I’ve changed, my whole life has changed.”

He stood and started to walk toward her, dark eyes pinned to hers. “No, Layna, see I don’t think you’ve changed as much as you think you have. When I look at you, I can so easily see the girl you were. You were blond then.”

“Because I used to dye it.”

“I suspected. But it did suit you.”

“It’s pointless vanity,” she said, waving her hand.

“How is it pointless if you enjoy it? It can still be vanity, but it doesn’t mean it’s pointless.”

“Yes it does. But make your point and be done.”

He took another step toward her and her heart climbed up into her throat and lodged itself there. “You had fire. Beneath that airhead, mean-girl surface, you had more to you than anyone guessed. You were a little flame ready to become a wild fire.”

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve changed now and...”

“No. You’re still doing it. You’re still hiding who you are beneath something else. Beneath a shield. The flame is still there, you just want to hide it. Up in the mountains.”

“It’s not my fire I’m hiding. It’s my face. And if you want to pretend it doesn’t matter then I’m going to tell you right now, Xander, no matter what you said before, you are a liar.” Rage rattled through her, fueled her, spurred her on.

It hit her, as the force of it threatened to consume her, that of all the emotions she’d felt since her attack, she’d never been angry. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. She’d hit rock-bottom with those. Then she’d found a sort of steady tranquility in her existence at the convent.

But she’d never been angry.

Just now she was so furious she thought she might break apart with it. “Look at me,” she said, “really look. Can you imagine me on newspapers and magazines? The face for our country? Can you imagine me trying to go to parties as if nothing had happened? Trying to continue on as if I was the same Layna as before? That’s why I went to the convent. Because there it didn’t matter if my face was different. There it’s practically a virtue and here...here it’s just not. I’m ugly, Xander, and whether or not I accept myself there will always be people who want to point it out. I’ve never seen a reason for putting myself through it.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets, his eyes hard. “It will be commented on. I won’t lie about that. But do you think people will resent your scars or my abandonment more?”

“Don’t tell me you’re honestly still considering me as queen material.”

“I was very interested by the fact that you haven’t yet taken your vows.”

“My intent remains the same, whether or not I’ve taken final vows.”

He reached out, took a piece of her hair between his thumb and forefinger. She froze. She hadn’t been touched by a man in longer than she could remember. Male doctors were the last ones, she was certain. And then she hadn’t registered the touch in any significant way.

But Xander had never been easy to ignore. Now, with his hand on her hair, just her hair, a flood of memories assaulted her. The catalog of moments when Xander had touched her in the past opened, forcing her to remember.

His hand over hers, or low on her back. An arm around her waist. His warm palm on her cheek as his lips nearly brushed hers.

If they had married then, they would have kissed thousands of times by now. But as it was, they had never kissed once.

“But nothing is final,” he said.

He lowered his hand, releasing her hair, and sanity flooded in a wave. She stepped back, blinking, that fresh and newfound anger coming to her rescue.

“Yes, Xander, everything is final. I have made my decision, like you made yours. I’ll help you in any way I can, but don’t insult me by pretending, even for a second, that you would consider making me your wife. Don’t consider that I might allow it.”

She turned and walked out of the room and when she hit the halls she suddenly realized that she was gasping for breath. She put a hand on her chest and blinked hard, fighting tears, fighting panic.

Xander was reaching into places inside of her no one had touched in so long, she’d forgotten they were there. Longings and regrets she’d buried beneath a mountain of all that lovely contentment she’d learned to cultivate from the sisters at the convent.

Xander made her restless. This palace made her remember. It made her want things....

She shook her head. No. She wouldn’t let this happen. She wouldn’t be shaken. She would help him. If only to help her country, her people.

But she wouldn’t forget who she’d become. Who Xander’s actions had forced her to become.