Читать книгу The Gathering Night - Margaret Elphinstone - Страница 6

And so my mother became Go-Between.

I realise now that it started when Bakar was lost. I didn’t understand at first what was happening. It was only when Esti was born that Nekané really began to change. When my daughter was born I lost my mother – that’s what Nekané becoming Go-Between did to me.

Esti was born in Thaw Moon. We had hardly any meat. Haizea told you how we chopped and ground lily-roots every day, and baked them in the ashes. We were getting mussels and crabs and limpets, wading into the cold sea at slack tide to pick them off the rocks underwater. Two nights before Esti was born the traps were full of lobsters. We roasted them in ashes of oakwood until the blue shells turned red. It was a good enough feast for Thaw Moon, and maybe it gave Esti the strength to come into the world. She took all night to come. Amets and my father – as you know, his name isn’t in the world now – had gone hunting upriver. We were alone in the winter house – just me and my mother and Haizea, and the sound of the River. The River sings many songs at River Mouth Camp, sometimes loud and angry, and sometimes in the gentlest of whispers. On the night of Esti’s birth the River sang with its whole throat. It told of snow melting in the hills, of water under the earth stirring deep roots, of white water filling empty streambeds, of overflowing banks and flooded marshes. In Thaw Moon the River sings of its own strength, and it’s death for People or Animals to meddle with it.

When Esti arrived no one recognised her. I knew who my mother hoped it would be, though she hadn’t said anything about it. My mother didn’t hide her disappointment when she saw that my baby was a girl. Haizea cut the cord with her own knife. It’s good when the youngest does that. It makes a bond, and it’s right for a child to have someone younger than her own mother bonded to her. There were barely ten Years between Haizea and Esti, and see what came of it: they’ve never let anyone part them. Haizea never thought that Esti should be anyone other than who she is.

My little girl lay across my stomach whimpering, taking her first breaths into her new body. I wanted to reach for her, but I knew what had to happen first. Haizea and I waited, and the little one twitched and breathed against my skin. At last my mother took the baby in her hands and turned her over. I watched my mother’s face in the firelight. She looked into my baby’s eyes. A pine log flared in the hearth. Outside the rain fell softly. I could see Nekané didn’t recognise my daughter. All she said was, ‘The child says, “I am not him. I am not him.”’ And so my Esti brought grief with her, because she wasn’t the one my mother had hoped for.

My daughter had no name for two days. You mothers, you’ll know what those two days were like for me. If she hadn’t been recognised on the third day we’d have had to cast her out. Amets and my father had not returned. The wind howled and gusts of sleet blew in from the sea. Between the showers the Sun came out, but it was pale and filled with water. I couldn’t go beyond the threshold because I had my baby in a sling. I dared not take her under the open sky when she had no name. My mother didn’t look into her eyes again.

And then, just before sunset, the men returned. I heard voices outside: my mother’s, Amets’, my father’s, Amets’ again. Then Amets came into the winter house. He handed his wet cloak to Haizea, and looked across at me. I’d been sewing a foxfur into the back of my tunic to make a carrying pouch for the baby against my skin. I’d laid the fur down to feed the child, and when Amets came in I was holding her naked against my shoulder. I thought Amets might be angry that I was making preparations for my baby even though she had no name. Amets met my eyes.

He took his daughter from my arms. She lay still between his hands. He looked into her eyes. She felt safe. Amets said to his little daughter, ‘I didn’t recognise you at first, grandmother. I last saw you long ago, far away under the Sunless Sky. You are Esti. You’ve come again to bring sweetness into our lives.’

Because Amets recognised his daughter she was able to live. As the days grew longer she grew with them. She’d always be a newcomer among the Auk People because she had a name that was new to us. But she was welcome, just as Amets was welcome when he came to Gathering Camp looking for a wife. And now Esti is a name belonging to our family as well.

But all the while my mother was becoming Go-Between and I was losing her.

I hated it. But if she hadn’t, I don’t think you Auk People would be sitting round this fire listening to us now. That’s why this story we’re telling you is so important. Listen, and you’ll hear how fiercely the spirits tested the Auk People. You’ll see how close we came to being broken apart for ever.

But when my mother went Go-Between it was hard. Usually women who live to be grandmothers want to help with a new baby. Itsaso, you’re always complaining that your mother wants to help too much! I think you’re lucky. Even a woman who doesn’t like her daughter often wants to love her grandchild. My mother became more distant than ever. Even if she was present in body she was often far away from us. And sometimes even in the body she had to travel, so we saw little of her.