Читать книгу The Drowning Girl - Margaret Leroy - Страница 10

CHAPTER 4

On Saturday something cheering happens. Even the timing is perfect—because Sylvie and I are about to set off for Karen’s: if he’d rung a moment later, we’d have been gone. This timing is a good omen.

‘Now, am I speaking to Grace Reynolds?’

A man’s voice—light, pleasant, with a smile in it.

‘Yes,’ I tell him, a fragile hopefulness flaring up in me.

‘Grace, it’s Matt. We met at that weird evening at Crystals, remember?’

‘Of course I remember.’

‘Grace, to get to the point—I’d love to take you out to dinner. If you’d like that.’

‘I’d like it a lot,’ I tell him.

‘Great.’ He sounds relieved, as though it matters.

We fix the time, the place—next Thursday, and we will go to Welford Place. It’s a restaurant by the river I’ve sometimes driven past; it used to be a gentlemen’s club. Quite different from the Alouette, I guess: no red-checked cloths or accordian music or menus scrawled on a board. I imagine silkily ingratiating waiters, and a silver trolley that’s heaped with indulgent desserts.

I can’t recall if I told him about Sylvie; it’s probably best to make sure.

‘I’ll have to fix a babysitter. For my little girl,’ I tell him.

‘Of course, Grace. Look, just ring if there’s a problem.’

I put down the phone and stand there for a moment. I remind myself of his white linen shirt and the hair falling into his eyes; I remind myself I liked him. I have a distinct, thrilled sense of newness. This is all so easy, so straightforward—both of us unattached, and I told him about Sylvie and he didn’t seem to mind.

It’s a gorgeous afternoon, honeyed sunlight mellowing everything. I decide we will walk to Karen’s; it isn’t that far. Sylvie brings her Shaun the Sheep rucksack, with some of her Barbies inside. We talk about the things we pass: a glove that someone has dropped in the road, that looks from a distance like a small dead animal; a caterpillar that Sylvie spots on the pavement, no longer than her thumbnail and the fresh, bright green of limes.

‘We must be very careful when we come back,’ says Sylvie. ‘We mustn’t tread on the caterpillar.’

In the tree-lined road where Karen lives, there’s a cat that sits in a circle of sun.

‘The cat has yellow eyes,’ says Sylvie. ‘Look, Grace.’

She strokes the cat with a gentle, scrupulous touch, and it rubs against her, purring hugely.

‘He likes me, Grace,’ she says.

I watch her as she pets the cat. Just like a normal child.

At Karen’s, the girls go up to Lennie’s room. They’ll probably play their favourite hospital game with Lennie’s Barbies—this always seems to involve a lot of amputation and bandaging. We sit in the kitchen, where there’s a scent of baking and citrus, and Karen’s Aga gives out a welcome warmth. Leo and Josh have gone sailing today, as they usually do on Saturdays. You can hear the liquid sound of chatter and laughter from Lennie’s room—Karen has left the kitchen door open. I notice this, and briefly wonder whether she leaves the door ajar when other, more predictable children come to play.

Karen complains about homework. Josh has been given an alarming Maths project to finish by Monday morning.

‘It’s the poor old parents who have to do it as usual,’ she says. ‘Why can’t they just give us a break for once?’

She puts the coffee pot to perk on the hob.

During the half-term holiday, she tells me, Josh’s homework project was to make a model castle. Karen found cereal packets and paint, and he put together something with a vaguely medieval look, though the turrets kept collapsing. But when she dropped him off at school at the end of the holiday, there were far more fathers than usual accompanying their children, and all of them carrying the most complicated constructions, one complete with a miniature cannon that fired.

‘All Josh’s mates laughed at him and said his castle was crap,’ she says. ‘What’s the point? It’s nothing to do with kids actually learning stuff, it’s just competitive parenting…’

Karen’s coffee has a kick to it. I drink gratefully. She takes muffins out of the Aga and puts them to cool on a rack.

‘Let’s have one now,’ she says, ‘before the little vultures get at them.’

The cakes are still hot to the touch, and taste of butter and orange, with a glittery crust of vanilla sugar on top.

I tell her about my phone call, and her eyes are bright and excited. I’m touched she’s so pleased for me.

‘And you’ve been out with exactly how many guys since being ditched by the Rat?’ It’s her usual name for Dominic.

‘Nobody else. Not properly,’ I tell her.

She has a satisfied smile.

‘You’re ready, you see. It’s like I always said. You’re ready to move on now. Guys can pick up on that.’

Karen is one of those people who live in an ordered universe: her world is like a tidy house where everything matches and fits—where you meet the right man once you’ve achieved some special state of preparedness. Which I always feel leaves out that whole scary, unnerving randomness of who you meet when: of what happens. But just for now, I like the theory. It makes me feel it’s all meant to be.

‘I’ll babysit,’ she tells me.

I hug her.

‘You’re an angel. Thank you.’

‘Well—it’s important,’ she says. ‘A fresh start. Someone completely new. Just what the doctor ordered. And he’s taking you where?’

‘To Welford Place.’

‘Oh.’ She fixes me with a rather analytical gaze. ‘It’s classy, Grace, you need to look the part.’

‘Karen, what are you trying to tell me exactly?’

Her eyes move across me. Today I’m wearing jade fishnets, a little black skirt, cowboy boots from Oxfam and a cardigan I knitted from some wool I found in the corner shop, which I loved because it’s the exact sooty blue of ripe bilberries.

‘You always look lovely,’ she says placatingly. ‘It’s just that it’s all a bit kooky. He does what, your Matt?’

‘I can’t remember exactly. Something financial.’

‘Well, then. I think you ought to come with me.’

I follow her upstairs. As we pass Lennie’s room, we glance in through the door. It all seems happy. They’re busy with Lennie’s toy cooker: they seem to be cooking a naked Barbie in a saucepan, and Lennie has a plastic knife in her hand. Both girls are smiling gleefully.

Karen’s bedroom has a scent of rose geranium, and a sleigh bed covered in white with crocheted flowers. On the dressing table are silver hairbrushes, handed down from her mother, and family photographs in leather frames. It all speaks of continuity, of her sense of where she belongs. I envy her this sense of connection: it looks so solid, so comforting.

She opens her wardrobe and rifles through her clothes. Karen likes classic things—trench coats, silk shirts, cashmere. She pulls out something pale blue, with a sheen—a satiny blouse, with long full sleeves and buttons made of pearl. She holds it against my face to see if the colour will suit me. I feel it’s all wrong for me—too cool, too grown-up—but the feel of it is wonderful, the fabric smooth and fluid against my skin.

‘Well, go on,’ she says. ‘Try it.’

I pull off my cardigan and put it on. It’s low in front, in spite of the demureness of the sleeves, and cut to pull your breasts together: I’m surprised to see I have a proper cleavage. Karen puts her hands on my shoulders and turns me towards the mirror. We look at my reflection.

‘Mmm,’ she says. ‘I like it. And you could put your hair up.’

‘I always wear it down.’

‘Why?’

‘Oh, I don’t know—because I always have done probably.’

She gives me a sceptical look. I feel my face go hot.

‘OK. I confess. It’s because it’s how Dominic likes it.’

‘Liked it. He’s in the past, Grace.’ She wags her finger, with mock severity. ‘Remember: no more father figures,’ she says.

I told Karen once about my father. Just the outline—well, there isn’t much to tell. I told her how I remembered him—how big he seemed, and his warm smell, and the thrill I’d felt when he’d carry me round the streets on his shoulders, and I couldn’t imagine what it was like always to view the world from such a height. And my mother just saying, one day, when I was three, ‘Your father’s gone’—and not knowing what she meant by that, thinking she meant he’d gone but would come back again; so for years when I heard a taxi stopping in the street I’d rush to the window, a little bud of hopefulness opening up inside me. Karen was fascinated. ‘Well, there you are, then,’ she said—convinced that my passion for Dominic is all tied up with this loss, that it’s all about recovering my lost father. She’s probably right, but knowing doesn’t help much; I can’t untie it.

She sweeps up my hair in a twist at the back of my neck, fixes it with a sparkly clip from her dressing table. I look somehow more definite—as though I’m more clearly drawn in.

‘Fab,’ says Karen. ‘Kind of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. And maybe some earrings—just little ones…’

I grin at my reflection, the cleavage, the new hair. It’s fun, this dressing-up. I half notice and then dismiss the sudden silence from Lennie’s room. I feel a light fizzy excitement.

She opens up her jewel box. A ruby glows with a dull rich light. I watch her careful fingers move the jewels aside.

‘I’ve got some sweet pearl earrings somewhere…’

There’s a sudden scream from the playroom, a rush of steps on the landing, a bang as the door is thrown back. Lennie erupts into the room, flings herself on her mother. Her face is blotched with furious red. She’s sobbing, outraged, she’s crying too passionately to speak. I think, Oh God, what’s happened? What did Sylvie do?

I can see across the landing through the open door. Sylvie is still in Lennie’s room, wrapping a Barbie in a blanket. She has her back to us. She seems quite unconcerned.

Karen kneels by Lennie, holds her.

‘Was it something that happened, sweetheart? Did you hurt yourself?’

Lennie’s breath comes in shaky gasps.

‘She says I’m not Lennie.’ The words tumble out through her tears. ‘But I am, Mum, I am.’

Karen strokes Lennie’s hair away from her wet, bright face. She’s frowning.

‘Of course you’re Lennie,’ she says.

‘She says I’m not,’ says Lennie again.

‘Sylvie said that?’

Lennie nods.

‘Sylvie does say funny things sometimes,’ says Karen. ‘You know that…’

I go across to the playroom.

‘Sylvie, what happened? What did you say?’

She isn’t looking at me. She’s preoccupied with the doll, extravagantly solicitous, wrapping the blanket close around it with fastidious care. Her face is a mask. She’s humming very quietly.

‘You’ve got to tell me,’ I say.

I reach out, hold her face between my hands, so she can’t escape me, so she has to look at me. Her skin is surprisingly cool for a child who’s been playing indoors.

‘What did you say to Lennie? Did you tell her that isn’t her name?’

She shrugs.

‘She’s not,’ she says. ‘Not really. She’s not my Lennie.’

She jerks her head, slips from my hands.

‘Lennie’s really upset, can’t you see that?’ I say. ‘I want you to tell her you’re sorry.’

Sylvie says nothing. Her back is turned to me now. She’s busy with the Barbie, running her finger round its face in a detailed little enactment of maternal tenderness.

‘Sylvie, will you say sorry?’

‘She’s not my Lennie,’ she says again.

I feel a pulse of anger. Just for an instant I could hit her—for her detachment, her coolness, the way she eludes me, the way she slides from my grasp.

‘All right. We’re going home then,’ I say.

She puts down the doll that she was tending with such deliberate care—just dumps it on the floor at her feet, as though she has no interest in it. This was meant to be her punishment, to show my disapproval, but it’s as if she’s glad to leave. Without being asked, she heads downstairs to find her coat and shoes.

I go back to Karen’s bedroom.

‘Karen, I’m so so sorry. I think we’d better go now.’

Karen’s face is tightly closed, holding everything in.

‘Really, you don’t have to,’ she says.

‘I think we should,’ I say.

I’m still wearing the blue silk blouse. I can’t take it off with Lennie there.

‘We’ll be downstairs,’ says Karen. ‘Remember to take the clip too.’

I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I’m not so sure now that Karen’s clothes suit me: the paleness of the fabric makes my face looks hard and tired. The gloss has gone from the day.

When I go downstairs, Sylvie is ready and waiting to leave, she has her shoes and coat on. She has her back to Karen and Lennie, her face quite still, no feeling in it, her eyes fixed on the door. Lennie has stopped crying now, but she’s pressed into her mother, frowning at Sylvie’s back, with Karen’s skirt clenched fiercely in her fist. It’s happening again: I’m leaving Karen’s house embarrassed and ashamed.