Читать книгу Ties That Bind - Marie Bostwick - Страница 13

I have to go to the bathroom. I really, really do.

If Tim were here, he’d give me a hard time for not remembering to go before I left. But why would I? It was always his job to remind me. Well, not his job exactly, but he always did remind me and I came to depend on him for that. And so many other things. Funny the things I miss about him, even now. Funny to think I’d ever miss being teased for having a bladder the size of a thimble.

I could have gone when I stopped for gas near Sturbridge, but the line to get into the ladies’ room ran out the door. Why can’t people who design buildings figure out that women need twice as many toilets as men? It’s all a matter of clothing complications and personal plumbing. Don’t architects take anatomy in college? Anyway, I didn’t stand in line and wait because I was afraid I’d be late to meet this person … what was her name?

I’d written it down on a scrap of paper and stuck it in my coat pocket before I left, but repeated groping through my pockets unearthed only an ATM receipt, a business card for my gynecologist, a used tissue, and three cherry-menthol cough drops. I have a cold.

I have to go to the bathroom and I have a cold and, for the life of me, I can’t recall the name of the very first person I’ll meet from my very first congregation. This does not bode well. Why can’t I remember? I’m usually so good with names.

I’m nervous, that’s why. Who wouldn’t be? Getting your first pulpit is as good a reason as any for a case of nerves, especially under these circumstances.

What is that woman’s name? I know it starts with an “M.” Mary? Marion? Margaret? That’s it. Margaret. I think it was Margaret … or something like that. No, it was Margaret. Definitely. This is no time to start second-guessing myself.

But it’s hard not to. I’ve been waiting for a church of my own for so long. And I don’t just mean the months since I finished seminary, months spent living at my parents’ house while meeting with and being rejected by various pastoral search committees. I’ve been waiting for this moment, or rather been drawn to it, for most of my adult life.

The calling to ministry is exactly that, a calling, a thing you respond to not because you want to but because you have to. That’s how it was for me. When I was little, people always used to pat me on the head and say, “So, are you going to be a minister like your dad when you grow up? Are you going into the family business?”

I never came right out and said, “No way!”—pastors’ kids tend to learn the art of diplomacy at an early age—but that’s what I was thinking. I knew exactly what responding to the call to ministry entailed. As a child, I wanted nothing to do with it.

What I did want was money in the bank, a nice car, bright red with a convertible top with an enormous dog who would sit in the backseat, marriage and a family, at least two kids and preferably three, a big home with one bathroom for every bedroom plus one more for show, and my name on the deed. No more parsonages for me.

Everything started off according to plan. I received a scholarship to James Madison University, beginning in the business school because I figured that was the surest path to getting a balanced checkbook and the deed to a house, hating it, transferring to marketing, then communications before making peace with my inclination to the helping professions and landing in the department of social work.

So I wouldn’t have a big bankbook or a big house, but at least I’d have a paycheck, chart my own course, and be doing something meaningful. At least I’d avoided the religion department. That had to count for something, right?

Wrong.

I liked social work, but something was missing. I tried changing jobs. If working with seniors wasn’t filling my cup, then maybe helping hospital patients would, or working with kids. Each job was satisfying in its own way, but it wasn’t enough. The thing that kept me up at nights was the fact that, according to various rules and policies, I was not supposed to talk to my clients about the one thing many of them needed most—God. Sometimes I did it anyway and it got me in trouble. Once it got me fired.

In my heart, I knew it was coming but, even so, when the principal, Janice DeCarlo, called me into her office and told me she had to let me go, it was a shock.

“You know I hate doing it, Phil.” Janice always called me Phil. “You’re the best social worker we’ve ever had, but I can’t keep pretending to look the other way ….”

“I know. You’re right. I’ll be more careful.”

Janice smiled and shook her head. “No, you won’t. You were praying with Brent Ragozine right outside the library. Don’t say anything. Or make promises we both know you can’t keep. Your instincts are good,” she said, handing me a letter of dismissal, “but you’re in the wrong place. Go do what you’re meant to do. Be a minister.”

I took the letter, folded it in half, and laid it on my lap. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I am,” she said, rising from her chair and coming around to my side of the desk. “You may not realize it, Phil, but you’re actually having the best day of your life.”

Janice was right. The calling to ministry had always been in me. Finally admitting it came as a relief.

But why did the call to my first church have to come right before Christmas? And why to Bob Tucker’s church? I’ve heard him speak. He and Dad go way back. The man can preach the paint off the wall. He’ll be a hard act to follow. As the only child of Reverend Philip Clarkson, I already know all about bringing up the rear.

I wondered if the search committee knew about my dad. Probably. I’ve met with seven pastoral search committees since May. In each case, the first thing they said to me after “Please, sit down” was “Your father is a wonderful speaker!”

Translation? “Your father is a wonderful speaker, so we figured you must be too. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, right?”

Yes and no. There is so much I share with Dad—a love of the outdoors and good music, a tendency to tear up during sad movies, and a deep, abiding love of and desire to serve God. But I am not an apple from the Clarkson tree. I’m adopted. My parents, Philip and Joyce, look like an ad for Scandinavian Airlines—tall, blond, and Nordic—whereas I am short, dark, and Hispanic. My birth mother was Puerto Rican. Judging from the tight curls in my hair, my father may have been African American, but no one knows. Every adoptive child grows up wondering why their birth parents gave them up, but I was able to work through most of that. My career in social work helped me understand that, sometimes, the most loving and sacrificial choice a woman in dire circumstances can make is to release her child to the care of someone else. And, growing up in a caring, stable, faith-filled home helped too. My parents and I do not share even one drop of the same blood, but they love me like their own, and that has made all the difference for me.

Another thing my parents, specifically my father, do not share with me is exactly what all those search committees were looking for—an inspired gift of oratory. He has it. I don’t. That’s why I’ve been passed over for so many pulpits.

But finally, I’ve got a church and six months to prove myself. Dad assures me my preaching will improve with time and practice, but Dad is a very reassuring sort of guy. Very supportive. Almost too supportive, if such a thing is possible. Dad and Mom always told me that I could do anything I set my mind to. It’s a totally appropriate parental response when talking to a five-year-old, but after her teens, a person is looking for a more realistic assessment of her abilities and talents. It’s simply not possible for everybody to be good at everything, is it?

They’re good parents. The best. I’m lucky to have them. And I’m lucky that this position opened up without time for the folks in New Bern to take me for a test run before deciding to sign on the dotted line. If I’d had to guest preach before getting the offer, would I have found myself driving south just two days before Christmas, my car-top luggage rack loaded down like Santa’s sleigh, carrying everything I would need for a six-month sojourn in New Bern, Connecticut? I doubt it. God moves in mysterious ways.

But as I popped another cough drop into my mouth, I couldn’t help but wonder what God had in mind, giving me a cold just before my preaching debut? Then I remembered Second Chronicles 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I looked in the rearview mirror, caught sight of Clementine, who was half-asleep, head lolling against the backseat, and smiled, the way I always do when I look at her, the last gift Tim gave me before he died. I wonder if he knew how much she would come to mean to me? That the necessity of caring for Clementine would be the thing that would roust me out of my mourning and force me to rejoin the human race. I bet he did.

“I know what he’d say if he were here. He’d say, ‘Gee, Pippa, if God is looking for a way to display heavenly strength through human weakness, who better than you to demonstrate the principle?’” I laughed, hearing his voice in my head, and looked in the rearview mirror again. “What do you say, Clemmie? Think he’s right?”

She opened her big brown eyes, yawned, and sneezed, which, in Clem-speak, means she agrees 100 percent.

I made good time. In fact, I arrived fifteen minutes ahead of schedule.

It was tempting to park my car downtown and stroll across the snow-covered Green and the sidewalks, peer into the shop windows of my new community and the faces of the people I had come to serve, but I decided to save that for another time. The bathroom situation was getting urgent. It was a charming little village, though—picturesque, homespun, and frosted white, a picture postcard for Christmas in New England. I was sure I was going to like it here.

I pulled up to the church, tempted to park in the spot that said “Reserved for Pastor,” but that seemed a little presumptuous, so I found a spot on the street. I pulled on the parking brake and turned off the ignition before climbing out of my red 2001 Jetta convertible, one of the few components of my original life plan that survived more or less intact. Of course, my fantasy car had sleeker lines, fewer miles on the odometer, and a more reliable heater, but I like my car.

And I like my new church!

It’s a beauty, a tall and typically New England structure, simple and symmetrical and covered in white clapboard. It stands at the western end of the Green, a solid and constant presence, built to withstand age and the winter blast, inviting without being intimidating, roomy enough to admit all who care to enter, just as it should be.

I stood on the sidewalk and craned my neck so I could see all the way to the top of the steeple, then closed my eyes to offer a prayer of thanks for my journey, a plea for blessings upon my new congregation, and for strength made perfect in weakness. It was, of necessity, a short prayer. I left Clementine asleep in the backseat while I searched for a bathroom. The church doors were locked, but the parsonage was open.

No one responded when I carefully opened the door and called hello, thinking Margaret Whatever-Her-Name-Was might have arrived first. It felt strange to enter without being invited, but I was desperate.

The foyer had wide pine planks on the floor that led to a narrow hallway. The first door I opened was a coat closet, the second a guest bathroom, recently remodeled with white subway tile. After washing and drying my hands, I decided to take a quick tour of my new home.

It was as pretty inside as it was out. The kitchen was compact but serviceable, with white cabinets, black and white linoleum, and a tiled backsplash that looked original but had new white grout that made it look fresh. The paint throughout the house was pristine and the carpeting smelled new. I would have to keep a close eye on Clementine.

There was a lovely formal dining room I doubted I’d ever use. The living room was nice too, but the furniture was more casual with big overstuffed chairs and sofas upholstered in cabbage rose chintz. A little fussy for my taste, but pleasant enough. The study was lined with painted wooden shelves filled with Bibles, concordances, commentaries, lexicons, study guides, and various theological works as well as a good selection of novels, biographies, and mysteries. A desk stood near the window, dark wood with claw and ball feet and a faux-leather desk chair, the kind you get at those big office supply stores. It looked comfortable, but at odds with the antiques. Besides that, the only furniture in the study was a floor lamp, a side table, and two brown and burgundy striped club chairs placed at a conversational angle in front of a fireplace. It was a small room but cozy. This would be my refuge of choice on chilly winter evenings.

I wanted to go upstairs and see the bedrooms, but the woman from the church was due to arrive any minute. Peering out the front window, I saw Clementine’s head visible in the backseat. I ran outside and unlocked the car. “Come on, Clemmie! Hop on out and have a look around. What do you think?”

She climbed out of the car, looked left and right, and then sneezed vigorously.

“I know. Pretty nice, huh? Look at this yard. Plenty of room to play out here.”

She sneezed again and started pacing back and forth across the snowy lawn, tramping down a path. I laughed. She does this every time. Just as Clementine found her spot, I heard the sound of footsteps followed by a yelp of surprise and a crash.

Turning, I spotted a tall, blond woman sprawled on the sidewalk. A splash of red against the white snow startled me, making me think she’d been seriously injured. But when I ran to her side, I saw a broken casserole dish lying on the sidewalk. The red gore was only spilled tomato sauce.

I squatted down next to the woman. “Bet that hurt. Anything broken?”

“No,” she replied and then looked down. “Nothing besides my dish. My pride is a little bruised, though.”

While the woman climbed off the ground, Clementine arrived on the scene, sniffed the ground, and began wolfing down the spilled casserole.

“Clementine!” I scolded. “Stop that!”

“It’s okay. It was supposed to be dinner for our new minister.” The woman shrugged. “Somebody might as well enjoy it.”

“Oh! Then you must be Margaret,” I said with a smile, extending my hand.

She frowned and pressed her lips together. “Margot,” she corrected me and shook my hand. “Margot Matthews.”

I smacked myself on the forehead. “That’s right! Margot. We’ve been expecting you.”

Margot’s eyes went wide. She blinked twice, looked at me, then Clementine, then back to me. “You were? I mean … Yes. You were.”

“Are you all right?” I asked, wondering if she’d hit her head when she fell.

“Oh, yes. I’m fine.” She pressed her lips together again, looking down as she patted Clementine on the head. “I just didn’t realize that Reverend Clarkson had a dog.” She paused, then looked at me with a deliberate smile. “Or a wife.”

I grinned, finally understanding her reaction. “I don’t,” I said with a laugh. “I mean, I’m Reverend Clarkson. Reverend Philippa Clarkson. And this is Clementine,” I said, looking down at Clemmie, who had finished her snack and was sitting on her haunches, licking the last traces of tomato sauce from her muzzle. “She’s big enough to be a horse, but she’s actually an English mastiff. Both of us are unmarried. Well … I’m a widow.”

Margot’s eyes grew even wider. “Philippa Clarkson? Not Philip? You’re our new interim minister?”

“That’s what the contract said. I hope that’s still okay with everyone.”

Margot frowned again, but only for a moment. “Of course,” she said firmly. “Why shouldn’t it be?”

She put out her hand for me to shake again. “It’s nice to meet you, Reverend. Welcome to New Bern. I’m sure you’ll be meeting everyone soon, but with Christmas so close, I’m all that was available in the way of a welcoming committee. But I’m afraid I’m not doing a very good job,” she said, looking down at the broken dish.

“That’s all right. I had a cheeseburger on the road. But I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea about now, and a briefing about the church and town. Do you have time?”

“Of course, Reverend. Happy to.”

“Please, call me Philippa. I know I have to get used to the title eventually, but every time someone says ‘Reverend Clarkson,’ I start looking for my dad.”

“All right, Philippa,” she said with a smile. “I can do that.”