Читать книгу A Dad At Last - Marie Ferrarella, Marie Ferrarella - Страница 10

CONNOR FELT like hell.

He probably looked it, too, he surmised, making his way down the back stairs. It was early, and the others, he assumed, were still asleep. Just as well. He preferred it that way. Fewer people to interact with. He wasn’t exactly at his social best at the moment.

He hadn’t gotten more than a thimbleful of sleep before he’d given up and gotten out of bed. There was so much on his mind, so many emotions running rampant through him, demanding to be addressed, that when his body had finally surrendered to exhaustion, the sleep that had come to him had been fitful, leaving Connor more tired, if possible, when he awoke than when he’d finally fallen asleep.

He was no fresher this morning than he had been hours before. And therefore, he concluded, he was in no better condition to make decisions now than then. Worse, if he were being honest.

So when he stumbled down the stairs, led by instinct to the kitchen and, he hoped, mud-strong coffee set on a timer, and came across Lacy and Chase instead, the reaction that suddenly came over him was not one he fully trusted. Likely, it had more to do with his physical state than his emotional one.

But it was the emotional one that was responding.

A feeling of awe and something Connor couldn’t quite put a name to filled him, pushing its way to every corner of his being like late morning sunshine seeking to chase out the last remnants of the night’s shadows.

Lacy, her back to him, was feeding the baby. Connor leaned his shoulder against the doorjamb and quietly watched this tiny, shining moment of motherhood in action.

He’d always kept his own counsel, playing everything so close to the chest, it was almost completely undetected by the average person who passed through his life. No one could ever have accused Connor of being an emotional man. He had always believed that emotions got in the way of things. To give in to them undermined your stamina, your resolve. The way to face life was stoically, shouldering responsibilities that came along and moving ahead one day at a time. If that sort of philosophy made the road lonely, at least the terrain was negotiable. And, ultimately, that was the most important thing.

But this, whatever “this” was, didn’t fit into his way of life. This feeling didn’t even have a name, at least not one he was willing to affix to it. But it had breadth and texture and substance nonetheless, looming suddenly rather large in his world.

And it had to do not only with the small being who had come into his life less than twelve hours ago, but with Lacy, as well.

Connor straightened, trying desperately to straighten his thinking, as well. This thing he was struggling with was just responsibility under a different guise, nothing more, he told himself. That was what was nagging at him, defying definition. Just an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

After all, he’d never been a father before. Fatherhood brought with it a wealth of obligations. Not the least of which was an obligation to the child’s mother.

Lacy.

He knew he had to do the right thing, by her and by the child. It was wrestling with what exactly the right thing was that was troubling him.

And no wonder. He was forty-five years old, a hell of a time to have his world upended and find himself a father for the first time.

Damn, a revelation like that, especially without warning, would have thrown a bigger man than him off, Connor reasoned.

Lacy didn’t bother looking over her shoulder. Instead, she finally asked, “Are you going to hover by the doorway all morning, or are you going to come in and take a look at your son in the daylight?”

Feeling slightly foolish, like a man caught where he shouldn’t be, Connor cleared his throat as he walked into the kitchen. “You knew I was there?”

Her mouth curved. She’d sensed his presence even before Connor had reached the bottom of the stairs.

Funny how someone who had been such a huge part of her life once had vanished from her mind for those long, lonely months she’d spent groping for her lost memory. Lacy would have sworn that nothing would have been able to erase Connor O’Hara from her thoughts. Maybe he wasn’t as indelibly imprinted there as she’d once believed. She hadn’t even recognized him when he’d first come into the diner.

As she looked back now, that astounded her, amnesia or no amnesia. So much of her heart had been and still was tangled up with Connor.

It always would be, she thought, now that she had Chase.

Spooning some more cereal past her son’s very messy lips, she smiled. This felt so right. She blessed all the books on early child rearing she’d devoured once she knew of her condition. At least there would be no awkwardness with her son the way there was with his father.

She glanced over her shoulder at Connor. He looked as if he hadn’t slept. Was that because of her? Or was it just because of everything that had happened last night?

She told herself not to nurse any false hopes. She’d been that route before and been sorely disappointed. “You’re not exactly invisible, you know. Why didn’t you just come into the kitchen? There’s certainly room enough.”

There was room enough in the kitchen for a minor convention. Megan—his mother, he amended—liked it that way, he’d heard. Enough room for everyone in the family to gather and bring a friend if they felt like it. Megan considered the kitchen the heart of the house. As if such things were possible, he thought, dismissing the notion as foolish.

Connor shrugged. “You seemed busy with Chase, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Letting Chase feed himself a finger of toast, she turned to look at Connor squarely. God, but she did love this man, no matter what. She knew she always would. But that was her problem, not his.

“You’re not,” she told him briskly, then softened. He did look like thirty miles of bad road, but even so, he was as handsome as they came. “He’s yours as well as mine. He wouldn’t be here right now if not for you—twice over,” she added, her mouth curving in a whimsical smile.

Last night had been a team effort. There was no way he could have gotten Chase away safely if not for Jake, Michael and Garrett.

“I didn’t do that much. The others— Oh.” The full impact of her words finally hit him. She meant fathering Chase. “Yes, well…”

His voice trailed off, led away by fragments of memory that drifted in then faded again, incomplete. He paused, grappling with questions, with things that needed clearing up.

The time, he decided, was probably never going to be more right than now. If he didn’t ask, the opportunity would only drift further and further away from him.

He moved so that he was beside her and could see her face when she spoke.

Connor shoved his hands into his jeans. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She raised her eyes to look at him. “About Chase. Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant when you found out, and that the baby you were carrying was mine?” Against his will, he remembered the single night they’d shared. How soft, how delicate she’d felt in his arms. Like a dream that had descended to earth for the duration of dusk to dawn.

Her hand tightening on the spoon, Lacy unconsciously raised her chin. She pretended to be completely engrossed in feeding Chase, coaxing another spoonful of food between his lips. “I didn’t want you to think I wanted anything from you.”

“I could have helped you with the bills—”

Her face clouded. Didn’t he understand what she was saying? It wasn’t his money she’d wanted or needed. It was his love. And that she couldn’t have, so the rest never mattered.

“I didn’t want that.”

He pulled a chair around, straddling it so that he faced her. She wasn’t making any sense. “Yet you left the baby on the steps of the hospital because you couldn’t take care of him.”

She flinched at the accusation in his voice. It was something she’d berated herself for a hundred times over.

“I’ll never forgive myself for that.” Her voice was solemn, hollow. “But it was one unpardonable moment of weakness, because Janelle was after me and I was afraid she’d hurt the baby.” She bit her lip. She’d been desperate, with nowhere to turn, her back to the wall. “Still, there was no excuse for doing it that way.”

Frustrated, he dragged his hand through his hair. That wasn’t the point. The torment in her eyes sparked his guilt. Damn it, it wasn’t his intention to make her blame herself. “I didn’t mean—God knows you paid for that.”

“Not enough.” Lacy blinked back tears that had suddenly risen to her eyes. She could have lost Chase forever. She looked at the face of her son. The wide, happy grin was smeared with custard-colored cereal. With the edge of his bib, she wiped the stains away. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life making it up to him—if I can.”

Damn it, why wasn’t this coming out right? He wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything, just trying to get to the bottom of her reasoning, or what passed for it. “Aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?”

But she shook her head, refusing to accept absolution. “If something had happened to him, I couldn’t be hard enough to make up for that—”

He sighed. They were veering off track. “Lacy— I had a right to know.”

Her eyes met his for a moment before she began feeding Chase again.

“Yes, you did,” she replied quietly. “I know that now and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I didn’t want to spring a baby on you, not after what you’d told me. If you recall, at the time you said things like we weren’t right for each other and that I deserved someone who could give me a family. Something you made quite clear you weren’t willing to do. That’s why I believed that letter Janelle gave me, claiming you wrote it. The one that gave me the brush-off.”

“This isn’t about Janelle. She duped both of us, not to mention the family and she’s going to be made to pay for everything she’s done. I wouldn’t have left you a note, but in a way…”

“In a way?” She prodded him, feeling the heat of anger rising within her.

This wasn’t coming out right. Talking wasn’t his long suit. He was just thinking of Lacy. “Forty-five’s a little old to start all over again.”

Age was just a number to her. Other factors meant so much more. “Only if you want it to be. Twenty-five’s old if the circumstances arrange themselves that way.”

She was trying not to let her temper get the best of her, but it was becoming very hard not to give in. Connor had deliberately turned his back on something wonderful because of a number.

“The trick is not to let it be. The real trick is to want something so much that age or any other obstacle has nothing to do with it and isn’t allowed to get in your way.” She shrugged, telling herself it didn’t matter. Knowing she was lying. “You didn’t want any of this.”

What he’d professed he’d wanted had no bearing on what was now a reality. “Still, it—he,” Connor amended, annoyed with himself at the slip, “is here and I have a responsibility—”

Responsibility. It took everything she had not to scream. “God, you couldn’t have come up with a colder word if you tried, do you know that?”

Women were creatures Connor knew he just couldn’t begin to fathom. He was better off with horses. At least there were manuals about dealing with horses. “What cold word? What are you talking about? The father of a child has certain responsibilities to that child—”

Lacy fought tears. He didn’t have the vaguest idea what it took to be a father. What hurt was that he didn’t realize it. There was no point in getting angry, she thought. What was involved was beyond his comprehension.

“Not any you’d understand,” she said dully.

She was rambling again. He caught her hand as she was about to give Chase the last bit of the cereal. “What?”

Her eyes on his, she waited him out. He released her hand. “You’re talking money, aren’t you?”

Exasperation threatened to undo the calm exterior he was trying to maintain for the sake of the baby. “Yes, I’m talking money.”

She started to say something, then thought better of it. It was like trying to explain the nuances of a piano keyboard to a man who was utterly tone-deaf. “No, thank you.”

She was a little too quick to turn her back on his offer. It galled him.

“And just how do you intend to pay for his food? His clothing? His education when the time comes?” Connor demanded, his voice rising. “The tooth fairy isn’t going to magically make it happen. Only money takes care of things like that—and I have money.”

And apparently nothing else, Lacy thought. She looked at him, sorrow deep in her eyes.

He didn’t know whether to be insulted or not. He settled for annoyed. “What?”

Lacy pressed her lips together, shaking her head slightly. “Nothing. It’s just that for a little while back there, when I saw you walking from the car with our son in your arms, I thought you had something else to offer.”

More fool she was for thinking so, she upbraided herself. When was she going to learn that she’d had a happier outcome than most? Her baby was alive and well and so was she. That was the most she could hope for. Happy endings only existed in fairy tales, and Connor had made it very clear what he thought of things like that.

He blew out an angry breath. “Can’t barter with ‘something else.’” Connor wanted her to see reason. Was that too much to ask? “Money is what counts in this world.”

An iciness slipped over her heart. Had she been so blind? So wrong about the man Connor O’Hara really was? “Do you really believe that?”

“Yes.” He wasn’t a slave to money and it wasn’t his god, but he knew what the world was like, what happened to people who couldn’t pay. They did without and grew bitter in the end. Look what the desire for money had driven Janelle to do.

If he only knew how much it hurt to hear him say things like that, Lacy thought. She’d been right to leave his ranch when she found out she was pregnant. There was no love in Connor’s heart, no compassion. And those values she wanted passed on to her son.

Very quietly, she slipped the spoon into the bowl, then wiped the last of his breakfast from Chase’s face. “Then I guess there’s not much difference between you and Janelle, is there?”

Now what was she talking about? He swore silently, feeling he couldn’t follow the conversation without a road map. Here he was, trying to make sure that Chase and she were provided for, and she was behaving as if he was trying to have her stoned in the town square as an undesirable. “I wouldn’t try to steal it.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You’re much too honorable for that.” And that was just the problem. She didn’t want him being honorable, she wanted him being passionate, being moved that he had living, flesh-and-blood proof that he existed, that he could love.

She supposed she was being naive again. Just like the last time.

Connor resented the way she twisted what he was trying to say and do. “Why do you make honorable sound as if it’s a dirty word?”

Megan picked that moment to sweep into the kitchen, curtailing the conversation.

Drawn by the sound of Connor’s and Lacy’s raised voices, she’d debated turning and leaving, then had decided against it. The two had been through a great deal, both separately and together. By all rights, their emotions probably bore an acute resemblance to Swiss cheese by now. What they needed as they stood there swiping at each other was not a referee, but time out. Time to heal.

She intended to give it to them.

“Hello, I thought I’d find you here,” she said to Lacy. “But not you.” That had been for Connor. Looking from one to the other, she deliberately kept her expression blank. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No,” Connor growled, turning away from them toward the counter. A coffee urn, filled to the brim, stood to the side, all but forgotten in the heat of the moment. “I just came down for coffee.”

“Me, too,” Megan told him cheerfully, determined to keep the peace. She took three cups and saucers out of the cupboard, lining them up on the counter. “Can’t seem to begin my day without at least two cups.” Pressing the spigot, she filled the first cup to the rim. “Used to be one, but the body slows down with age.” Megan sighed appropriately, then smiled at her firstborn. “Although I’m determined to fight it all the way.”

She set down the first cup and filled the second, glancing over her shoulder at Chase as she did so. Even the tiny scrap of a look caused her heart to tighten. She dearly loved the little boy. In a small way, having him with her these past months made up for missing out on Connor’s first year.

“I missed looking in on him during the night.”

There was nothing but everlasting gratitude in Lacy’s heart toward Megan Maitland. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for Chase.”

Megan waved away the words, embarrassed. “No need to thank me, especially since he’s family.” The birthmark crescent on Chase’s tummy had been proof enough for Megan. It was reminiscent of the one that had been in the same area on Connor’s father. Although birthmarks weren’t necessarily inherited, this one was too unique to question.

It was Lacy’s turn to be somewhat embarrassed. No matter what the circumstances, she still owed Megan a great deal. “Yes, but still—”

“Thanks aren’t necessary,” Megan repeated, her eyes kind as they washed over Lacy. “For any of it. So—” she handed Connor a cup and then gave one to Lacy before picking up her own “—any plans yet?”

Taking a sip, Megan kept her eyes on the younger woman. She’d all but made up her mind about Lacy, deciding that she was one of the good ones. A little defensive perhaps, but who could blame her? The girl had had more than her share of bad breaks. But all that was going to change.

Lacy shook her head. So much had happened, she was having trouble assimilating it all. “Catching my breath first.”

Megan smiled, her eyes shifting to her son. Connor didn’t look too happy. His brooding expression reminded her so much of Clyde, the ranch hand who had captured her heart at seventeen, only to desert her when she needed him most. But for all that, there was no denying that he had been exquisite to look at.

“Always a wise thing to do,” she said to Lacy.

Lacy took Chase’s bib off and set it on the table. The high chair’s small tray was far too messy. “And then I guess I’ll be taking him home with me.”

Megan’s heart felt as if it had stopped midbeat, though she tried to give no indication. “And home would be…?”

Lacy picked up a sponge and cleaned off the tray, lifting Chase’s splayed hands one at a time to finish the job. Cereal and the fruit she’d added to the mix were on his fingers, evidence of his enthusiastic attempts at feeding himself. She thought Megan knew where she lived. “Why, the room I have now at the boarding house.”

Megan released the breath she’d been holding. It had already been established that Lacy was Chase’s mother. She’d taken the simple lab test eagerly. Fighting for custody of the baby wasn’t in her, but Megan’s heart would have broken if she drastically lost Chase out of her everyday life. “Thank God, I was afraid you meant someplace else.” She saw that Lacy didn’t follow her. “Where you came from originally.”

Lacy shook her head, deliberately not looking in Connor’s direction. The ranch was gone. “I’ve no reason to go back.”

Even if Connor planned on returning to the area, she added silently. Whatever had brought him to Austin and the Maitlands was probably only temporary, and when it was over, he’d go back. And she would remain here, making a life for herself and her son.

She tried to ignore the sharp prick she felt in her heart.

Megan could feel the tension in the room. There was so much she wanted to say to Lacy. To both of them. But that would be getting ahead of herself. It was all set for this evening. No matter how upside down everything until now had been, this one revelation had to proceed according to the order she’d decided on.

Still, she felt impatience goading her. Trying to distract herself, she looked at Lacy, then nodded at Chase. “May I?”

If I could give my son a grandmother, Lacy thought, the woman would be one exactly like Megan Maitland. “Of course.”

Megan slowly lifted Chase from his high chair. He greeted her efforts with a wide grin. A sweetness pressed against her chest as she held him to her.

Her grandson.

She still could hardly believe it was true.

Turning to Lacy, she placed a hand on the young woman’s arm. “All I ask is that you make no decisions about anything until tonight.”

That sounded very mysterious. Without meaning to, Lacy glanced in Connor’s direction. There was nothing in his expression to enlighten her. “Tonight?”

Megan patted Chase on the back, rubbing in small concentric circles. With so much on her mind, Lacy had obviously forgotten, she thought. “I’m having the family over for an informal dinner. To celebrate Chase’s recovery.” She saw the light dawn on Lacy’s face. “And I have a few things to announce.” Only one of which was important to her, she added silently. But she didn’t want to give away any more than was necessary. “Also, I want to hear all the details that were glossed over last night.” She looked at Connor. “Everything,” she emphasized.

What was she driving at? he wondered. She already knew everything that seemed pertinent. Petey was dead and Janelle was behind bars. What more was there?

“Such as?” His tone was naturally wary.

“Such as there are pieces missing from this puzzle. Important pieces.” Megan saw by the look on his face that he wanted her to be more specific. But she didn’t want to launch into that now. She wanted to wait until they were all together. “But I’ll contain my curiosity until tonight.” She turned to Lacy. Though none of what Lacy had gone through this past year was her fault, she wanted to make things up to the girl. “Right now, I think we need to get this big boy changed and ready to go.”

“Go? Go where?” Lacy asked.

“Shopping,” Megan replied brightly. She held Chase in the air, and the baby gurgled, shoving his fist into his mouth. The drool that followed told Megan another tooth was coming in soon. “I think in honor of his being officially recognized as a Maitland, he needs to get additions to his wardrobe befitting his station in life.” Laughing, she inclined her head toward Lacy. “Humor me, I feel like lavishing money and attention on him—and his mother.”

Lacy wasn’t about to accept charity, not even from someone as nice as Megan. “Oh, no, that’s not necessary. You’ve already bought so much for Chase, I—”

Megan wasn’t about to put up with excuses. “The only thing that’s necessary,” Megan told her, cutting Lacy off, “is for you to pack away your pride and say yes. Pride’s all well and good in its place, but it’s a poor substitute for having things. Take it from a woman who knows.” She saw the skeptical look on Lacy’s face. “There was a time that church mice thought of me as being poorer than they were.”

Lacy couldn’t believe that Megan had experienced anything less than living in the lap of luxury. “You?”

“Me.” A tinge of pride entered Megan’s voice. “When I married William Maitland, his family thought he’d taken leave of his senses and that I would drag him down.” Her smile was sunny, almost transforming her into the young woman who had caught William’s eye and heart. “I turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him and his stodgy family.” Megan winked at both of them. “Or so he liked to tell me. Now come along, no more excuses or dragging your feet.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“There, that’s what I like to hear. Complete compliance.” She glanced over her shoulder at Connor just before she and Lacy left the room with Chase. “You could stand to learn a thing or two from this girl, Connor.”

He already had, he thought, watching them leave. And that was just the problem.