Читать книгу Medical Romance January 2017 Books 1 -6 - Marion Lennox - Страница 17

CHAPTER EIGHT

SHE WOKE. THE sun was streaming into Tom’s bedroom and when she opened her eyes she could see the light glinting on the sapphire surface of the sea. She was in Tom’s arms and she’d never felt this way in her life.

She’d thought marriage to Paul had been good. For a short time, before Paul’s love of adventure had eclipsed his desire for her, she’d loved their marriage. She’d believed she was loved.

But she’d never felt like this. She lay spooned in Tom’s arms and she felt the world settle. This was her place. This was where she was meant to be. Bliss.

But...this was where she’d vowed never to be again.

And bliss or not, her stupid mantra surfaced, uncalled for, unwanted, but it was there all the same. Head, not heart. What had happened last night?

Bliss had happened and it had taken every single piece of sense from her head and dissolved it, until all she’d felt was joy.

And joy was a fleeting, cheating thing. Hadn’t she learned that?

But joy was now. She closed her eyes again and pushed away the sense of panic. Surely all that mattered was that she was being held by Tom. This was the man who’d been there for her when she’d needed him most. He’d seen her at her most vulnerable. He’d held her while she’d sobbed and then, as she’d finally tugged herself out of despair, he’d made her laugh again.

He was her lover.

He shouldn’t be her lover. That appalling little voice was breaking the moment, ruining the feeling of utter contentment. She lay spooned in Tom’s arms, skin against skin, and it felt so right... It felt so wonderful...

Go away, she told her stupid beetle of a mantra, and the mantra backed off a little and tucked itself into a dark corner of her brain.

It was the best she could do. She couldn’t wrench it out entirely.

But she wanted to give herself up entirely to this man. She wanted to think happy ever after. She wanted the whole fantasy.

But the beetle was still asking questions. How many women had he had in this bed? How many more would share it in the future?

She stirred and his hold on her tightened, strong, warm, possessive. ‘Good morning, my love,’ he whispered, his voice muffled by her hair, and she felt like screaming at her beetle. Go away, go away, go away.

She’d gone this far. Why not embrace this moment? She turned within his arms and felt herself melt again. She was where she wanted to be more than anything else in the world.

She was home.

I don’t think so, the beetle told her, and she knew it spoke the truth. But for now... Please let me believe it as truth.

And she did. Sort of. Her body turned to his again and it felt right. It felt perfect.

She was so in love.

She was so in trouble.

* * *

Tasha was different.

He’d never felt this way with a woman before.

She was his friend. He felt as if he’d known her forever. He felt as if he knew her through and through, and making love with her had been inevitable.

He loved her.

Until last night he would have said he loved her as a friend, nothing more. Or maybe he was lying. Maybe he’d wanted her for a very long time but he hadn’t acknowledged it until now.

But there was no choice but to acknowledge it now. The way he felt...

Was it possible that he could trust himself to commit?

Was it possible that Tasha was the one?

And there it was, a thunderbolt of knowledge so deep it almost knocked him sideways. He’d never thought he could be faithful to a woman, but he’d never met Tasha.

With Tasha all bets were off. Family history be damned. He could be faithful. He would be faithful and suddenly, fiercely, he knew it at a level so deep that the years of doubt fell away.

He’d teach her to trust, he thought. If he could learn the lesson then so could she.

But for now... Enough of the introspection, he told himself as he gathered her against him yet again. He had this woman in his arms and that was all that mattered.

He asked for nothing more in the world.

But then the world broke in.

* * *

Susie...

Theirs had been a fleeting relationship, not even consummated. She’d been fun. She’d now found a man she wanted a permanent relationship with, and that was fine by him. They were still friends.

But why was she on his veranda at this hour?

‘Tom. Yoo-hoo... Tom, love, are you awake? It’s Susie. Sorry, sweetheart, I understand you should be resting but you know I left my shawl here? Donald’s taking me away for the weekend and I need it.’

* * *

If there was anything surer to bring Tasha’s mantra beetle out of its dark corner, this was it.

Susie. A woman from Tom’s past.

Only how did she know she was from his past?

Because he’d told her? Because she trusted Tom?

Maybe she did—but, oh, the level of faith she had to have...

She didn’t have enough.

Tom hauled on a pair of pants while Tasha lay back and cringed and the gorgeous feeling of being cherished turned to smut.

He opened his wardrobe and grabbed a shawl, which made her feel even worse.

This was innocent, she told herself. This was Tom’s past life and it had nothing to do with her, but head was suddenly ruling heart in no uncertain terms. It was fear. It wasn’t logical but she was a coward, and she knew it.

Tom had walked out onto the veranda. He was speaking briefly to Susie, but she wasn’t listening. Fear had her hauling on knickers, bra, jeans and windcheater, and by the time he came back to the bedroom she was dressed.

‘Tasha...’ He came straight to her. He must be able to see the fear on her face. She couldn’t disguise it from herself, much less him. ‘Love, it’s not what it seems. Susie left her shawl here months ago, before the accident. Hilda must have packed it into the wardrobe. I saw it when I came home from hospital but I didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. She asked me about it last week. I told her where it was but then I forgot again. Then...to be honest...Tasha, I haven’t been thinking of Susie. You’ve been here...’

‘Your latest conquest,’ she muttered. ‘How can I have been so dumb?’

‘Tasha...’

‘Leave it, Tom,’ she said roughly. She felt sick. Betrayed.

Not betrayed by Tom, though. He’d broken no promises. She was even sure that he was speaking the truth.

The betrayal she felt was worse. She’d betrayed herself, her own beliefs, her own hard-earned self.

‘I never slept with Susie,’ he said flatly.

‘Tom, I believe you. I’m sorry. The conquest jibe was unfair. I do know you better than that. But you’re my friend, Tom, not my lover, and risking that by fancying myself in love with you is just plain dumb. It scares me. It makes me feel out of control and I’ve vowed never to go down that path again.’

And then she took a deep breath and said what had to be said. What her mantra dictated she had to say.

‘Tom, I’ll be grateful for you forever. Please, if possible I’ll always be your friend, but because there’s this attraction between us then the friendship has to be at a distance. We both know that. So I’ll stay in Cray Point until you can drive again. I’ll stay until you don’t need to do rehab every day, but I won’t stay here.’

‘That’s crazy.’

‘Cats make me sneeze,’ she said, striving desperately for lightness, and then she decided to say it like it was. ‘But they don’t break my heart, and if I stay here that’s what I’m risking. I never meant you to be my lover and I don’t want that.’

‘I didn’t think I wanted it either.’ His voice was serious, troubled, and she saw real concern for her in his gaze. It was almost her undoing.

But the feeling she’d had as he’d tugged Susie’s shawl from the wardrobe was one she’d never wanted to feel again. Okay, she believed him. Susie was simply an ex who’d left her shawl here, but it had opened a chasm in her heart that had been ripped open the moment she’d heard Paul on the phone to the other woman.

She hadn’t wanted to believe it. She’d asked Paul calmly who he’d been on the phone to. Honesty in marriage, she’d thought, and she’d expected a confession.

And then he’d lied, and she’d known he’d lied. She knew Tom was speaking the truth now, but lies or truth, that chasm was still there. To trust herself...

No. She was self-contained. What had started with Paul had torn her heart. She’d got over his deceit and his death—sort of—and then she’d thrown her hat into the ring again in the loving business and she’d tried to have a baby. And that had ripped her heart almost out of her body.

What was she doing, thinking she could start again?

She couldn’t.

She had an appointment with the IVF clinic in six weeks. The prospect had been so huge it had terrified her, but the seed of hope had flared and grown.

And now...one night of passion and one stupid shawl had shown her how stupid that hope was. She couldn’t be brave. She’d had the brave crushed out of her.

She had no courage left.

‘Tasha, you look terrified.’ Tom was watching her, worried for her, reaching for her, but she backed away.

‘I’m not. At least, I’m not as long as I can get away. Tom, you’ve been the best friend but now... I don’t want this to go further and in your heart I don’t think you do either. I’m sorry, Tom, but it’s you or the cats, and it’s time I was sensible. I choose cats.’

‘I’m scared, too,’ he said, almost as if he hadn’t heard her, and she blinked.

‘I said I wasn’t.’

‘I know you are. Like me. We’re peas in a pod. Tasha, I’ve spent my life thinking guys who married and remained faithful for the rest of their lives had some sort of gene that was missing in my family.’ He took a deep breath. ‘It turns out I was wrong. It turns out it was just that I hadn’t met the right woman.’

It should have made her melt, but how could she? She was holding herself rigidly under control, clinging to the knowledge of past hurt. ‘I’m not that woman,’ she managed.

‘You’ve been burned. First by my idiot half-brother. Second by the loss of Emily, though the loss of your parents has to be in the mix there as well. You don’t trust love, just as I didn’t. But it’s past tense, Tasha. I trust it now. You can choose to trust me or not...’

‘How can I do that?’

Silence. The room was deathly still. It was as if the weight of the world was right above their heads, ready to descend.

Tasha was feeling ill.

Trust. Her heart was crying for it, longing for it, aching for it as if there was a void in there that only trust could fill.

She could take this one step...

And fall into the arms of Tom Blake. And try for another baby.

And let the whole disastrous cycle start again.

And her heart clenched. She could almost feel it shrivel at the thought of what could lie ahead if she fell into the arms of this man.

She’d hurt so much...

Cats.

‘I’m...I’m leaving,’ she whispered. ‘Please, Tom, don’t try and stop me. If you keep pressuring I won’t be able to stay at Hilda and Rhonda’s. I’ll have to go away completely.’

‘Are you so afraid?’

And finally she gave him the truth. ‘Yes,’ she said, openly and honestly. ‘Yes, I am.’

‘You can’t take a chance on me?’

‘I can’t take any more chances. I’m being sensible.’

‘So sensible means we stay alone for ever?’

‘I know how much it hurts...’

‘So you’ll teach me?’ Anger was obvious now, raw and exposed. ‘I’ve finally met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but she’s scared I might betray her.’

‘Tom...’

‘I wouldn’t,’ he said fiercely. ‘I won’t. But of course you’re right, I have no evidence to back that with. You’ve judged me on my father and on Paul...’

‘I’m not...’

‘There’s no need to go on,’ he snapped. ‘You’ve said enough. I care about you, Tasha, but I have nothing more than my word to prove it. So I can’t prove it. We’ll leave it there, then. We’ll work out the nuts and bolts of how we plan the workload later. You’ve made your choice. Go and live with cats.’