Читать книгу Killing Cupid - Mark Edwards, Mark Edwards - Страница 7

Wednesday 10.30pm

I’ve got to take out my contact lenses, they’re sticking. I hate those moments between taking out my lenses and finding my glasses – I feel so myopic and helpless. I gave myself a real fright last night: I’d removed my lenses in the bathroom then realised my specs were beside the laptop in the living room. When I went out into the hall to get them, a figure loomed up at me. I jumped out of my skin and nearly screamed – before I realised I’d been scared by my own blurry reflection in the hall mirror.

‘Come on, Siobhan,’ I said under my breath. ‘Sort yourself out.’

Talking to myself again… But I guess I’m still not used to living alone. I get jittery at night, when the walls make strange sounds, or voices float in from outside. Or when Biggles suddenly thumps down on the duvet, mewing, as if he’s somehow fallen off the ceiling. It’s pathetic, I know, to be so afraid of nothing. The product of an overly fertile imagination and too many TV crime reconstructions, I fear. And that’s no excuse for my astounding ability to mislay my possessions, which is the other thing currently bugging me.

It was bad enough when I left my keys in the front door for hours the other week – Mum’s speciality: ringing me up nearly in tears, wailing that she’s torn the house apart and can’t find them anywhere, until I ask her if she’s checked the door. So for me to then go and do it too – oh help, I’m turning into my mother.

Found my glasses. They were in my coat pocket.

Anyway, the writing class… I didn’t think it would be so scary. I mean, I’ve done readings and things before, but somehow having the responsibility for your own students is much more terrifying, even if it is just an evening class at the local college I wonder what they thought of me? I tried to project an air of authority and confidence, even though my fingernails were carving curves into my palms.

‘OK, I think it would be a good idea if we all introduced ourselves,’ I said, feeling sorry for them already. I know it’s necessary, but it’s always so excruciating. Somebody once described it as the Creeping Death. You sit there and wait, trying to mentally rehearse what to say, as your turn creeps closer… At least as the teacher, I could go first.

I was about to begin, but I caught the eye of one of the two guys present. He was slouching right at the back, like a schoolboy, two rows behind everyone else. It made me want to laugh, the way he was half-grinning at me, sort of smug and ‘Hey, look at me, aren’t I a rebel?’

What a prat, I thought, and made him come forward to join the group. He skulked a bit nearer, giving me what he obviously thought was a smouldering look, but which actually just looked as if he was swallowing a belch. Although when I studied him more closely, I saw he wasn’t bad looking.

I gave them my carefully prepared spiel, trying to make it sound spontaneous:

‘Hi, I’m Siobhan, this is the first creative writing class I’ve taught, so please be gentle.’ They all laughed softly, which helped me relax into it a bit more. ‘I live locally; I’m thirty-five…’

‘Any children?’ asked an elderly woman at the front.

‘No kids, no husband, just a cat,’ I said, too willing to offer information. As if they cared about the cat! I’m amazed I didn’t volunteer to tell them about my chosen method of contraception and that I hate anchovies…

I couldn’t resist telling them that I’m a writer – although that is relevant, so I didn’t feel bad about it. Told them I’d had a novel published a few years ago. I suppose I was hoping at least one of them might have heard of me, but they all looked blank, so I ploughed on:

‘… and now I do bits and pieces of freelance journalism, mostly for women’s magazines. I play tennis and have a weakness for 80s music…’

‘Oh, this is hard!’ I simpered out loud, willing myself to shut up. ‘Someone else go now?’ Before I start telling you about that nasty yeast infection I had last month, or the flying ants nesting behind my kitchen units…

The others took their turns. There was Barbara, a retired dentist’s assistant; Jane, a city worker in an expensive suit; Mary, a middle-aged woman with two grown-up sons; Kathy, who told us straight away that she was a lesbian, mainly – I guessed – because she thought it would shock the more mainstream women who went before her. She had a glint in her eye that appealed to me – in a non-lesbian way, I hasten to add.

Then came Brian. He kept scratching his head, and colossal flakes of dandruff were frosting the shoulders of his leather jacket. The poor guy also had a slight stammer and the charming habit of rubbing his nose then wiping his hands on his trousers. He was really giving me the eye, too. Ugh. And he told us he writes fantasy novels. Uugh.

Then it was the Rebel’s turn. His name was Alex, and he wasn’t exactly forthcoming.

‘I work for Bookjungle.com,’ he said, ‘selling other people’s books and wishing I was writing my own. That’s it.’

So, only six of them. But it might be fine. Jane was great, really sparky – I bet her writing’s good. And the gay one, Kathy, seemed quite interesting. Alex acts like he’s allergic to all of the other students, sitting as far away from the rest of them as possible and wrinkling his nose whenever they speak.

No decent men, though. I must say I did have a small fantasy about some gorgeous late-thirties guy with devastatingly sharp prose and a wicked smile, whilst also being sensitive and modest… Alas, I fear that both my male students will be purveyors of the ‘aren’t I wonderful’ school of writing. The blokes so often are. Throw in some tepid one-liners – or in Brian’s case, six thousand headless Snark warriors – and they think they’ve got a best-seller on their hands.

Poor scrofulous Brian – he was probably christened ‘Poor Brian’, bless him. I’m sure he’s a sweetheart really, for all the ogling and acne. Not that Alex was much better. Thinks he’s the dog’s bollocks. He was ogling me too, but in that way men sometimes do when they don’t remotely fancy you, they just want you to fancy them.

Anyway, I told them they had to keep journals, and that I wanted them to start by writing up a recent, important conversation. Alex asked if I would look at what they’d written, so I said, ‘No, it’s private. You can write anything you like. You can even write about me, if you want.’

It was a joke, but Alex jotted something in his notepad, eyebrows raised. He’d better not, the little bastard.

By the time I’d talked them all through the wretched paperwork that the college requires – register, assessment forms, syllabus etc – it was nearly time to go. The class ended on a bit of a downer for me, with the question I’d been dreading ever since mentioning I was a writer: Mary asked me when the next book was coming out.

Like some kind of production line. I couldn’t bear to explain that I only got a one book deal, and they never renewed my contract. I know I’m going to have to admit it at some point, when we get to talking about submissions to agents and so on; but for now I just told her it was coming along slowly. ‘That difficult second novel… ’ Clichéd, but true.

Thursday

I feel so low this morning. I never realised it before, but the thing I hate most about being on my own is waking up alone. I miss Phil’s body in the bed with me. I miss him when I get up in the night for a drink of water, then go back to bed and he’s not there to wrap my cold legs around. I loved the solidity of his chest, heavy with sleep, almost burning hot. His skin always felt somehow softer when he was asleep, and his breathing was steady and comforting, in a way that Biggles’s fluttery little cat breaths never are.

Later. Went for a soya milk decaf at the High Street Starbucks – I just had the urge for one – and who do I bloody well bump into? Phil, of course. He was just passing the door as I came out.

‘I thought you were boycotting Starbucks,’ he said.

‘I am,’ I said, and we both stared at the coffee in my hand. He can still make me feel so inferior. ‘I am, on principle. And The Gap. It’s my own little anti-capitalist stand. It’s just that since I’m detoxing, I’m off dairy, and they don’t do soya cappuccinos at the Italian coffee shop.’

Phil just smiled in that rather patronising way of his, and I thought, no wonder I only miss him when he’s asleep. He’s far too smug when he’s awake. Asleep, snug; awake, smug.

To change the subject, I asked him how Lynn was. I guess I must have been desperate to change the subject.

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘We’re going away to Portugal next week.’

I had an instant flash of them on a beach with pale sand, Phil rubbing suntan lotion into Lynn’s back. Hopefully they’ll get so sunburned they won’t be able to have sex. Still, sunburn fades, doesn’t it? Unlike… oh, bugger it, Siobhan, stop. Be strong. Bring back that image of Phil with sunburn. That’s it. Now picture yourself slapping it.