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Introduction by Maureen Dunbar (2000)

My first meeting with Mark Wheeller was at the Oaklands Community School in Southampton. The reason for my visit was to decide whether or not to place my trust in him and allow him to write a play based on my book Catherine, the story of my daughter’s fight with anorexia nervosa. No one, I thought, could convey the torment and agony of those seven years of illness.

Talking to Mark, I knew instinctively that here was a man I could say a total “Yes” to, I knew I would trust him implicitly. I could see too, how his young drama group drew inspiration from their gifted teacher.

I have followed the progress of Hard to Swallow from its earliest beginnings. I have never failed to be moved by the sensitive performances and also by the certain knowledge that Catherine’s story has helped so many people and opened channels that did not exist before her death.

People have asked me whether I found putting pen to paper to be therapeutic – I can only say no, I did not. It was agonising. Agonising because I could see all the mistakes, the terrible mess, much more clearly in hindsight – the mistakes of doctors and my own mistakes in particular. The frustration, anger and despair that I felt many times during Catherine’s illness were magnified in me as I wrote. The whole exercise was extremely painful. I wrote the book in tears.

For me the burden of grief was enormous because of the additional suffering I had caused Catherine by insisting on many occasions that she should go into hospital for treatment. When she first became ill, I had never heard of anorexia, neither had Catherine. Nobody I knew had heard of it either. During the seven long years of Catherine’s illness I was always expecting doctors to come up with an answer, no one really explained what was happening to her, no one recommended books for me to read, and family counselling was never suggested. Only in writing about Catherine, after her death, did I see how wrong the treatment had been for her. How naive I had been in expecting an answer – where there was no answer. While she was alive, I was so busy trying to help, support and understand Catherine, trying to get help and treatment for her, that I was unable to stand back, try to appraise the situation and be objective.

All of these things I understood as I wrote – IN HINDSIGHT. The picture in my mind was of one huge tragic mess. The pain and grief I felt as I wrote was inexpressible. But, gradually, as I continued to put my feelings on paper, I also saw more clearly how things might have been different had I known more and also had I followed my own heart. This only added to my guilt. These thoughts and feelings, I believe, were in the deep recesses of my mind but because I had been so desperate in my search for an answer to Catherine’s illness, I had never allowed them to surface – only in writing was this able to happen.

Simon, my eldest son, by encouraging me to write Catherine’s story, gave me a very positive thing to do, though an extremely difficult, emotional and agonising one. Catherine’s wish was that her life and death should help others. The fruits of the book have been tremendous. Many parents have written to me and said how much better they understand their children who have this frightful illness. Anorexics have told me how much more aware they are of their families’ suffering. Professionals have said they have learnt what not to do. One person wrote “Catherine has disturbed the waters of our lives and made us look into the integrity of our relationships”. So the book, which I initially believed could not help anyone because Catherine’s was not a success story, has helped hundreds of people. Most especially, it has helped many to come to terms with their illness and removed guilt when they do not have the power to change. It has sometimes acted as a jolt to some with anorexia and aided them to start climbing the ladder to recovery.

The play Hard to Swallow has added in no small measure to all that is good and constructive as a result of my dear Catherine’s death. My trust in Mark has been richly rewarded.

Maureen Dunbar

2000